I just watched Frozen for the first time in forever (and no, I'm not letting go), and as I was thinking (because what woman stops thinking to watch a movie?) I discovered that I was having conflicting feelings towards the character of Hans (spoiler alert, he's the jerk villain at the end). I mean, sure, there is that fan theory wherein people have wondered if Hans' sudden change in feelings toward Anna was the trolls' doing, but if we're being honest, he was the villain without the trolls help.
However, the interesting thing with Hans' villainhood is the fact that he was so good at acting as though he truly loved Anna (the whole "love at first sight" strain of fantasy) and the thing that gave me pause during this particular viewing was that maybe Hans really did love Anna but he loved the power marrying her could bring him more.
Now, once everything is said and done and the movie wraps with all that sisterly love, it is obvious that Hans was preying on Anna's desperation to feel loved. I know I'm not the only woman (or person in general, for that matter) who gasped when Hans revealed himself to the dying Anna and thought, "How dare he!?" But in real life, aren't there people who do "dare" to do the exact same thing to others? (Though, I don't believe an actual kingdom is on the table.)
This brought to mind this thought: is he (or she) a Hans? Or a Kristoff?
With Hans people, you are never certain whether the person you see today is really them or not. They know how to act, they know how to prod your thoughts and emotions in a direction that makes you think that you would rather die than live without them! But at the end of the day, why do they do it? Well, friends, I believe Hans people are those that love the idea of you. But at the end of the day, when they are called upon to be owners of the actual feeling that should spur the two of you together, there is something else they love more--in the case of a last-in-line-for-the-crown prince it's power. In Hans people, might I move to say that it is their love of their own independence? Not having to "answer" to anyone. Perhaps they desire their solitude and their ability to say, "You know? Not today."
With Kristoff people, those are the ones that you may not have an instant connection with (though, admittedly, I think it's fine to be attracted to the person within the first day of knowing them--not that I would marry in a day) but at the end of the day, they are in love with YOU. Not the idea. Not some crazy fantasy they have concocted, but you. Crazy, imperfect, sometimes "unlovable" you. They don't complete you but rather encourage you to be a better person. They allow you to make your mistakes, catching you if you fall.
If he seems "perfect", wait. Give it time. If you give your "courtship" enough time, then you will root out the true Hans'. Don't get ahead of yourself. You have the rest of your life to be with your Kristoff but you need to make sure he is who you think he is before you get serious with them. They will have flaws just like you do. We don't marry perfection but potential, says Elder Robert D. Hales of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
From personal experience, I have had too many Hans' in my life where when it came down to brass tacks, I found their hearts lied truly with something that I could never give them, whether I wanted to or not. And that realization, my friends, is what makes all the difference because it helps the healing process because, let's face it, for every Hans there isn't a Kristoff and often times you will not meet them at the same time. So let the relief sink in that you have dodged another Hans, grieve for a day if you feel you must, then (ready for it?) let it go.
03 April 2016
20 March 2016
But I'm Not Like "Most" People
Most people take Facebook fasts. However, I see that I have an ever-increasing problem with how much I use texting on my cellphone to talk about important things. Things that should be spoken of face to face or at least through a call.
So, this week, I am putting my phone in Airplane mode (I still need it to make sure I wake up on time in the morning, after all) and thus, the only way I will be available will be through Facebook and my email (which you should be able to find on Facebook). Seeing as not a whole lot of you text me on a frequent basis, I don't honestly see this being a problem for you. I just need a little time to clear my thoughts and hopefully break my habit of texting in place of talking. I may be a writer, but not everyone is--in fact that majority of people aren't writers so this will also be a way to remind myself of how "most people" communicate.
Love you all muchly.
Love,
Me
So, this week, I am putting my phone in Airplane mode (I still need it to make sure I wake up on time in the morning, after all) and thus, the only way I will be available will be through Facebook and my email (which you should be able to find on Facebook). Seeing as not a whole lot of you text me on a frequent basis, I don't honestly see this being a problem for you. I just need a little time to clear my thoughts and hopefully break my habit of texting in place of talking. I may be a writer, but not everyone is--in fact that majority of people aren't writers so this will also be a way to remind myself of how "most people" communicate.
Love you all muchly.
Love,
Me
A Little Patience, Understanding, and Sadness
I made a discovery of myself this past week that I honestly probably already had an inkling about, but it is this--if I am not properly engaged and busy, I give myself too much time and energy to overthink things. I overthink myself into a black hole of self-pity and start to imagine that I am an annoyance to all.
I have been told multiple times that that is not the case, but nevertheless, if I do all of the "talking" or instigating of conversation, then I start to get truly depressed and annoyed at myself for needing so much validation from others. Generally a happy person, many find it odd that I feel the need for validation but it's there, just as it is in everyone else.
I watched Inside Out for the first time at the beginning of this past week and the character of Sadness felt akin to the metaphorical "spirit animal". Sadness is interesting because she is the one "emotion" that is seen as purely negative. However, by the end of the movie, you find that it's often Sadness that triggers the events that bring the most Joy.
It shows that it is important to feel ones Sadness and is just as important to validate the Sadness and hurt that others feel before they can truly be healed and move on to feeling the other emotions as they come.
There is a particular scene where the main character's imaginary friend is hurt by the loss of his rocket and how he now cannot see how he and his friend will ever have their great adventures. He starts crying (candy tears, of course) and Joy is trying to think of all the ways to cheer him up by referencing things that generally bring him happiness and, well, joy. But the longer he sits crying the more aggravated she gets with him. And that is where Sadness steps in. She sits down next to him and validates his tears. That must be very sad, she remarks, and you must be feeling hurt right now. She gives him the opportunity to acknowledge aloud that he is hurt and sad and then allows him to cry a while longer as they hug. Once this moment happens, he is able to pick himself back up and they continue on their way.
During one of my downward spirals this past week, I worked myself into such a frantic state that I jumped aboard a bus and zipped over to my friend's house without giving very much warning at all (perhaps a 5 minute prelude text to the actions that followed). I was feeling hurt because I didn't think that he was responding as quickly as he should if he truly cared when honestly he had simply fallen asleep (previous happenings being that he was supremely busy and not a great text-communicator to begin with).
Just to top of my craziness, I also had a cold and found myself walking up the hill and up three floors to get to his door. So, sniffling due to two kinds of cold and self-pity, I crawled into his arms, completely exhausted from this roller coaster I had subjected myself to and instead of him immediately trying to cheer me up, he pulled me close and gave me time to talk about it. He gave validation to how I had been feeling and made sure I felt right again before prompting the smile that comes naturally when I am around him.
I don't have many people to open up to like this, especially not close to what I call "home" currently. So...if you are one of them, I apologize in advance for the childishness and perhaps "clingy" nature that I give in to. It is because you have shown me that I can trust you with even a little piece of my heart and I guess, in short, I am afraid to lose that.
I don't want to lose you. No matter what happens from here on in.
I am clumsy and insecure. I have been hurt more times than I can count. If I cry, it's usually self-induced because, as previously stated, my mind is overactive and I just need to be reminded now and again that you don't mind. And maybe, one day, I will finally be strong enough and sure enough of myself to be a strength to others who come along my path with the same weakness in their heart and soul.
Therefore, please, be patient with me until I understand. And I will always remain, faithfully, your loyal and loving friend.
I have been told multiple times that that is not the case, but nevertheless, if I do all of the "talking" or instigating of conversation, then I start to get truly depressed and annoyed at myself for needing so much validation from others. Generally a happy person, many find it odd that I feel the need for validation but it's there, just as it is in everyone else.
I watched Inside Out for the first time at the beginning of this past week and the character of Sadness felt akin to the metaphorical "spirit animal". Sadness is interesting because she is the one "emotion" that is seen as purely negative. However, by the end of the movie, you find that it's often Sadness that triggers the events that bring the most Joy.
It shows that it is important to feel ones Sadness and is just as important to validate the Sadness and hurt that others feel before they can truly be healed and move on to feeling the other emotions as they come.
There is a particular scene where the main character's imaginary friend is hurt by the loss of his rocket and how he now cannot see how he and his friend will ever have their great adventures. He starts crying (candy tears, of course) and Joy is trying to think of all the ways to cheer him up by referencing things that generally bring him happiness and, well, joy. But the longer he sits crying the more aggravated she gets with him. And that is where Sadness steps in. She sits down next to him and validates his tears. That must be very sad, she remarks, and you must be feeling hurt right now. She gives him the opportunity to acknowledge aloud that he is hurt and sad and then allows him to cry a while longer as they hug. Once this moment happens, he is able to pick himself back up and they continue on their way.
During one of my downward spirals this past week, I worked myself into such a frantic state that I jumped aboard a bus and zipped over to my friend's house without giving very much warning at all (perhaps a 5 minute prelude text to the actions that followed). I was feeling hurt because I didn't think that he was responding as quickly as he should if he truly cared when honestly he had simply fallen asleep (previous happenings being that he was supremely busy and not a great text-communicator to begin with).
Just to top of my craziness, I also had a cold and found myself walking up the hill and up three floors to get to his door. So, sniffling due to two kinds of cold and self-pity, I crawled into his arms, completely exhausted from this roller coaster I had subjected myself to and instead of him immediately trying to cheer me up, he pulled me close and gave me time to talk about it. He gave validation to how I had been feeling and made sure I felt right again before prompting the smile that comes naturally when I am around him.
I don't have many people to open up to like this, especially not close to what I call "home" currently. So...if you are one of them, I apologize in advance for the childishness and perhaps "clingy" nature that I give in to. It is because you have shown me that I can trust you with even a little piece of my heart and I guess, in short, I am afraid to lose that.
I don't want to lose you. No matter what happens from here on in.
I am clumsy and insecure. I have been hurt more times than I can count. If I cry, it's usually self-induced because, as previously stated, my mind is overactive and I just need to be reminded now and again that you don't mind. And maybe, one day, I will finally be strong enough and sure enough of myself to be a strength to others who come along my path with the same weakness in their heart and soul.
Therefore, please, be patient with me until I understand. And I will always remain, faithfully, your loyal and loving friend.
28 January 2016
Apparently
...candles only come in packs of 24. I am sure I made this same observation just about a year ago while buying candles for my last birthday cake but the fact was reinforced earlier this week when I bought the biggest pack of candles (24) that I could find at the grocer's for my birthday cake.
As I look toward my 25th year, I have so much to be grateful for. I have always been thankful for my family but lately I have realized the circumstances that I have been blessed with are truly blessings and I have long taken them for granted. I have both of my parents who set such a wonderful example of what a married couple should be like. They do have their disagreements from time to time, but I have never doubted their love for each other and their desire to work together to raise children who know that they are loved.
I have an older brother who I have watched through school and fighting through adulthood who married a wonderful woman that now works with him to raise their child (soon to be childREN). He's ambitious and strong and he has worked so hard for all that he has and continues to set an example of a successful take off for the rest of our siblings and myself.
I have three, very different, younger siblings who have showed their own examples of strength. A sister who has served a mission and now aims for a college education; a brother who is preparing to serve a mission in a tough environment; and another sister who has fought through her own difficulties and continues to push on and not give up on herself and right to happiness.
This year has landmarks and new horizons for us all to explore and though it's intimidating, I know that our love and regard for one another is often what gets us through the day.
As many of you know, I have struggled to get back into school after falling below half-enrollment to a complete hiatus from the institution. But I am there, finally pursuing a goal. I found a school environment that I can feel confident and comfortable in. I pushed to get my residency status corrected (dropping my beginning debt to the government monies from roughly $5000 to under $200, easily payable during the summer). I have even taken my math class head on (a subject that I vowed to never take again upon graduating high school) and have so far been keeping up with the teacher's speedy covering of the material.
Admittedly, I have far less time to do my writing than I had before school began but I suppose in that there is the blessing of wanting to write as much as possible even if the mood is having a hard time striking...
I will try to do some more writing exercises here (the little short blurbs that I have done before). But until then, know that I am happy, healthy, and striving to become an even better adult this year than I was last year.
Cheers.
As I look toward my 25th year, I have so much to be grateful for. I have always been thankful for my family but lately I have realized the circumstances that I have been blessed with are truly blessings and I have long taken them for granted. I have both of my parents who set such a wonderful example of what a married couple should be like. They do have their disagreements from time to time, but I have never doubted their love for each other and their desire to work together to raise children who know that they are loved.
I have an older brother who I have watched through school and fighting through adulthood who married a wonderful woman that now works with him to raise their child (soon to be childREN). He's ambitious and strong and he has worked so hard for all that he has and continues to set an example of a successful take off for the rest of our siblings and myself.
I have three, very different, younger siblings who have showed their own examples of strength. A sister who has served a mission and now aims for a college education; a brother who is preparing to serve a mission in a tough environment; and another sister who has fought through her own difficulties and continues to push on and not give up on herself and right to happiness.
This year has landmarks and new horizons for us all to explore and though it's intimidating, I know that our love and regard for one another is often what gets us through the day.
As many of you know, I have struggled to get back into school after falling below half-enrollment to a complete hiatus from the institution. But I am there, finally pursuing a goal. I found a school environment that I can feel confident and comfortable in. I pushed to get my residency status corrected (dropping my beginning debt to the government monies from roughly $5000 to under $200, easily payable during the summer). I have even taken my math class head on (a subject that I vowed to never take again upon graduating high school) and have so far been keeping up with the teacher's speedy covering of the material.
Admittedly, I have far less time to do my writing than I had before school began but I suppose in that there is the blessing of wanting to write as much as possible even if the mood is having a hard time striking...
I will try to do some more writing exercises here (the little short blurbs that I have done before). But until then, know that I am happy, healthy, and striving to become an even better adult this year than I was last year.
Cheers.
30 September 2015
Have Courage and Be Kind
The latest version of Cinderella put out by Disney Studios is, by far, the best movie to have come out in the last year. Not because of the picturesque landscapes, the amazing attention to detail, or even the luxuriously elaborate costuming (though all of these are good things to note). But rather because of the main theme in the movie that is introduced by Ella's dying mother who imparts the following wisdom to her young child:
"Have courage and be kind."
This quote has been on my mind ever since I first saw the movie just a few months back and how appropriately timed it has been but how very unfortunate that hardly anyone paid it attention! There is so much going around these days that causes discontent, disagreement, and sometimes outright violence. The whisperings of the Father of Contention is pulling the strings like an expert puppet master and easily pits us one against the other, neighbor against neighbor, parents against children, race against race.
He has fooled us all into believing that one another is the enemy. How wrong that is! We have gone from praying for equality, understanding, and rights to demanding them! Yelling, screaming, cursing for them.
Honestly, I also struggle with being kind to everyone but I would like to think that I at least have courage--and that, that is a start. It takes courage to be kind in this world that has made it so easy to sling mud at one another, to bare teeth and brandish claws because we were raised differently and have different values and views of the world.
I will not apologize for the things that I have shared because they reflect my views. I do not see the "fairness" of being told to be apologetic that I don't stand for gay marriage and other points of barbed conversational topics when those with the opposing view are allowed to boldly declare theirs and be applauded.
I will treat all with the kindness that I have always done--but that does not mean giving in to demands just because the voices are louder than mine. Is it kindness giving a temperamental child whatever they want in hopes that they will stop making a scene? No. It merely gives them more drive and reason to scream whenever they want the newest toy or the piece of candy some other child has been given.
So, have courage to speak your mind. But find the gentlest way or kindest way. And if you cannot do that, at least don't shove it into someone else's face and throat until they agree that your ways of thinking and opinions are the only valid ones.
16 September 2015
Travel
Life has been quite the interesting experience lately.
Full of ups and downs, blessings and lessons--I hardly know where to begin.
This past week, I had the opportunity to go home to Oregon and see my family. My younger sister just returned from her 18-month LDS mission in Canada and it had been some time since I had gotten to see my brothers (I had the opportunity to see my parents and youngest sister halfway through the summer as well as my sister-in-law and nephew multiple times over the past few months). It was a welcome change of pace, honestly, though there was a mild trial in the way of my heart...though I suppose that story will have to wait for another time.
If you know me at all, you know I absolutely abhor traveling by plane. Especially when I am traveling solo. My anxiety flourishes during these times and thus, anything that anyone can do to lower that stress level is a welcome relief.
My travel to Oregon went as smoothly and pleasantly as one could hope for having been offered a ride to the airport from a coworker (at 5 AM, mind you) and though I had hardly slept the night before (a grand total of one hour on the couch downstairs), I was happily picked up by my mother and after some delicious food and a grocery run, we made it home to the rest of the family (which includes three cats and an old but no less enthusiastic dog).
As trips of that nature always tend to be, it was much too short and passage of time before I was on my way back to Medford to the dratted plane. But perhaps I should dial back to the night before when I remembered that I had not yet found a ride home from the SLC airport.
Another note about me is how much I dislike putting people out of their way to do any service for me--especially if I don't know them. But seeing as how I had just moved in to a new ward and had had experiences of such service from people in the past, I thought what have I got to lose?
So, I posted an inquiry for someone to come get me after what I was already sure would be a frazzling day of travel from the SLC airport so that I wouldn't have to stress about getting me and my belongings onto a train (because, yes, I am very much aware of the service of TRAX but know that a ride on it AFTER a day of flight would be trying fate). Not 15 minutes after I had posted, I got a bite! I thought how wonderful that there is someone so quick to see and fill a need in the ward!
Not so. I am sure he saw himself as helpful as he suggested I ride TRAX. Not home but to the airport. I may have left my sarcasm get the better of me and my frustration must have bled through my response to him as I pointed out that I had asked for someone who wasn't just willing but ABLE (keyword, in my opinion) to give me a lift. How was I to expect that sarcasm would be thrown right back at me not from only this first male, but a second one as well? And, thank you Facebook, for giving us the power to "like" one another's comments to further infuriate (or perhaps a better description for this instance would be humiliate?) the original poster.
This probably wouldn't have struck me as so harsh had someone also taken my side in this.... Facebook banter. But no. There I was, 111 views from other members of the page later without a friend to look to.
Yes, this post has been a bit of a rant, I'll own, but I don't think I have ever been in a more unhelpful, mean-spirited, anti-service-oriented ward in all my single adult life.
So thank you for showing me that I, too, am a "meaningful" and "important" addition to the ward. I am glad I wasn't left guessing.
So this was just a gentle prelude to the following day wherein I was too late to check-in for my flight (even though I heard them calling for late-boarders over the intercom). So a trip I should have started at 1 PM was pushed back to about 5 PM. Then instead of chilling in the PDX, I had to rush myself over to the next gate (clear across the airport) while also picking up something to snack on because I wouldn't have time for an actual meal (nor, I suppose, would be stomach have held it because of the turbulence endured on the plane).
Finally landing in SLC, 3.5 hours later than the original plan, my cousin (wonderful people, those cousins) picked me up and took me home where I pretty much crawled immediately into bed and passed out not too much after.
Anxiety, stress... yes. I wouldn't expect anything different from travel.
Full of ups and downs, blessings and lessons--I hardly know where to begin.
This past week, I had the opportunity to go home to Oregon and see my family. My younger sister just returned from her 18-month LDS mission in Canada and it had been some time since I had gotten to see my brothers (I had the opportunity to see my parents and youngest sister halfway through the summer as well as my sister-in-law and nephew multiple times over the past few months). It was a welcome change of pace, honestly, though there was a mild trial in the way of my heart...though I suppose that story will have to wait for another time.
If you know me at all, you know I absolutely abhor traveling by plane. Especially when I am traveling solo. My anxiety flourishes during these times and thus, anything that anyone can do to lower that stress level is a welcome relief.
My travel to Oregon went as smoothly and pleasantly as one could hope for having been offered a ride to the airport from a coworker (at 5 AM, mind you) and though I had hardly slept the night before (a grand total of one hour on the couch downstairs), I was happily picked up by my mother and after some delicious food and a grocery run, we made it home to the rest of the family (which includes three cats and an old but no less enthusiastic dog).
As trips of that nature always tend to be, it was much too short and passage of time before I was on my way back to Medford to the dratted plane. But perhaps I should dial back to the night before when I remembered that I had not yet found a ride home from the SLC airport.
Another note about me is how much I dislike putting people out of their way to do any service for me--especially if I don't know them. But seeing as how I had just moved in to a new ward and had had experiences of such service from people in the past, I thought what have I got to lose?
So, I posted an inquiry for someone to come get me after what I was already sure would be a frazzling day of travel from the SLC airport so that I wouldn't have to stress about getting me and my belongings onto a train (because, yes, I am very much aware of the service of TRAX but know that a ride on it AFTER a day of flight would be trying fate). Not 15 minutes after I had posted, I got a bite! I thought how wonderful that there is someone so quick to see and fill a need in the ward!
Not so. I am sure he saw himself as helpful as he suggested I ride TRAX. Not home but to the airport. I may have left my sarcasm get the better of me and my frustration must have bled through my response to him as I pointed out that I had asked for someone who wasn't just willing but ABLE (keyword, in my opinion) to give me a lift. How was I to expect that sarcasm would be thrown right back at me not from only this first male, but a second one as well? And, thank you Facebook, for giving us the power to "like" one another's comments to further infuriate (or perhaps a better description for this instance would be humiliate?) the original poster.
This probably wouldn't have struck me as so harsh had someone also taken my side in this.... Facebook banter. But no. There I was, 111 views from other members of the page later without a friend to look to.
Yes, this post has been a bit of a rant, I'll own, but I don't think I have ever been in a more unhelpful, mean-spirited, anti-service-oriented ward in all my single adult life.
So thank you for showing me that I, too, am a "meaningful" and "important" addition to the ward. I am glad I wasn't left guessing.
So this was just a gentle prelude to the following day wherein I was too late to check-in for my flight (even though I heard them calling for late-boarders over the intercom). So a trip I should have started at 1 PM was pushed back to about 5 PM. Then instead of chilling in the PDX, I had to rush myself over to the next gate (clear across the airport) while also picking up something to snack on because I wouldn't have time for an actual meal (nor, I suppose, would be stomach have held it because of the turbulence endured on the plane).
Finally landing in SLC, 3.5 hours later than the original plan, my cousin (wonderful people, those cousins) picked me up and took me home where I pretty much crawled immediately into bed and passed out not too much after.
Anxiety, stress... yes. I wouldn't expect anything different from travel.
15 July 2015
Plans and Pain
As many of you have probably picked up on through the perusing of my Facebook feed, I am looking to start a new adventure in the little city of Orem. Why? Well, that would be the mystery a few of you have been facing but it is simply this: I am working on transferring to Utah Valley University. I have talked to quite a few people about the move and the vast majority have spoken very positively on the subject.
I have been attending Brigham Young University here in Provo off and on since I graduated high school 6 years ago in California and I am overdue for a change of scene and pace. However, because of this (and not having spent my time wisely over the past few years and thus being without a car) I have to find not only a place to live but a new job as well.
Thankfully, because of the end of the summer being close at hand, jobs are going to be pretty easy to come by (I've already started a couple applications to places I should be able to fit into) but housing is a completely different beast.
I have put in a few inquiries into different housing situations and it is truly disheartening when the place that would fit best is the one place that isn't communicating back. However, I do still have a handful of weeks to find a new home so I am glad that I made this decision when I did.
I just wanted to thank you all for your support over the past couple days. Honestly, Sunday was one of the worst days I have had in weeks and I am not entirely certain what caused it. I have been more diligent than ever in the taking of my prescription and thus my sudden downswing took me by surprise.
It started with a horrible nightmare that disturbed my early-to-bed attempt awaking me in a rather distraught state 3 hours before I had planned. Instead of the usual ability to shrug it off, roll over and fall asleep, I was awake for 2 hours not quite feeling myself.
When I finally fell asleep, I awoke with only 20 minutes to get myself presentable and to church to be there on time... I was late.
Nothing drags me down more than being in a place where I am usually all smiles and not being able to dredge up even the semblance of a believable smile. I apologize to those who might have been trying to cheer me up without realizing what was going on with me. There are very few times where I absolutely refuse to smile but it is in those instances where if I smile, I will cry.
So thank you for being patient and loving toward me.
I cannot express how much the relationship between me and my family means to me. I am especially thankful this past weekend for the bond I have with my mother. A few years ago, I admit, we went through a rough patch trying to figure out this new dynamic of living but I am glad that we learned enough of each other to find a way past it so that I can talk to her like I do.
She walked through my day with me to see if there was anything more I could do and talking through the nightmare with her brought the tears that I had been holding in since waking which led to being able to take the refreshing nap that I need to get back to myself.
I haven't expressed it very much lately, but I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Alma 7:12
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
He knows my pain. He knows your pain. And He suffered so that He might know exactly how to heal us and help us to know that we are not alone.
Again. Thank you for all your love and support as I go through this transitional time in my life. I am trying to become the woman my Lord would have me be and also be a woman that I and my loved ones can be proud of.
Love,
Me
I have been attending Brigham Young University here in Provo off and on since I graduated high school 6 years ago in California and I am overdue for a change of scene and pace. However, because of this (and not having spent my time wisely over the past few years and thus being without a car) I have to find not only a place to live but a new job as well.
Thankfully, because of the end of the summer being close at hand, jobs are going to be pretty easy to come by (I've already started a couple applications to places I should be able to fit into) but housing is a completely different beast.
I have put in a few inquiries into different housing situations and it is truly disheartening when the place that would fit best is the one place that isn't communicating back. However, I do still have a handful of weeks to find a new home so I am glad that I made this decision when I did.
I just wanted to thank you all for your support over the past couple days. Honestly, Sunday was one of the worst days I have had in weeks and I am not entirely certain what caused it. I have been more diligent than ever in the taking of my prescription and thus my sudden downswing took me by surprise.
It started with a horrible nightmare that disturbed my early-to-bed attempt awaking me in a rather distraught state 3 hours before I had planned. Instead of the usual ability to shrug it off, roll over and fall asleep, I was awake for 2 hours not quite feeling myself.
When I finally fell asleep, I awoke with only 20 minutes to get myself presentable and to church to be there on time... I was late.
Nothing drags me down more than being in a place where I am usually all smiles and not being able to dredge up even the semblance of a believable smile. I apologize to those who might have been trying to cheer me up without realizing what was going on with me. There are very few times where I absolutely refuse to smile but it is in those instances where if I smile, I will cry.
So thank you for being patient and loving toward me.
I cannot express how much the relationship between me and my family means to me. I am especially thankful this past weekend for the bond I have with my mother. A few years ago, I admit, we went through a rough patch trying to figure out this new dynamic of living but I am glad that we learned enough of each other to find a way past it so that I can talk to her like I do.
She walked through my day with me to see if there was anything more I could do and talking through the nightmare with her brought the tears that I had been holding in since waking which led to being able to take the refreshing nap that I need to get back to myself.
I haven't expressed it very much lately, but I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Alma 7:12
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
He knows my pain. He knows your pain. And He suffered so that He might know exactly how to heal us and help us to know that we are not alone.
Again. Thank you for all your love and support as I go through this transitional time in my life. I am trying to become the woman my Lord would have me be and also be a woman that I and my loved ones can be proud of.
Love,
Me
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