Nothing hurts worse than feeling unwanted. Than feeling that a person would rather see anyone but you. That you do not even count as an option in their mind, now or ever.
You know that feeling? The feeling that surrounds your heart and feels like helium but instead of buoying your heart and spirits it feels as though it would suffocate you if you would give in? I find that although I might not be new to this particular feeling, it has been a long time since I have felt it so acutely.
No one wants to feel unwanted--but more particularly no one wants to have to draw the conclusion themselves that they are not wanted. If you would rather not have a person spend time thinking about you and hoping to do something with you... tell them. Do not give them the false hope that inevitably lifts them up higher than their safety net will allow them to fall into unhurt.
It is a strange thing to feel "unwanted". Being raised in the family I was blessed with, there was never a moment at the end of the day when I felt that my parents wished they had never had me, that my siblings were not happy that I was their sister--even if we had quarreled all day long.
The worst thing about feeling "unwanted" is the fact that no one ever says that they do not want you. In this sense, actions DO speak louder than words, particularly when hardly a word has been spoken.
Worse still is the feeling of the ongoing roller coaster ride where one day you feel as close as you may ever get with a person and then the next day you feel as though they would do anything to avoid you.
If I have ever made you feel that way, I want to apologize. It is not right. It is not fair. And no one should have to feel this way especially because of me.
My second plea this evening is this:
Please. Do not tell a person that you avoid them so you will not hurt them. That in and of itself will hurt them.
Now, reading this I can see how one could perceive it as conflicting what I have said formerly but this is what I mean by the latter part:
I apply this to dating. And thus I will continue to apply it for the ease of understanding. Do not convince yourself that you are sparing a person's feelings when you say that you would rather not even try to be in a relationship with them because you are afraid that you cannot commit.
I personally would rather hurt and be able to say, "At least we tried," rather than hurt and think about the never-ending rounds of "but what if?".
I am not a patient person by nature and yet it takes a great deal to make me give up. But I never want to give up without saying at least that I tried. Please. Do not make me give up. Do not force me to despair and say with an expression full of melancholy, "I couldn't... even if I tried."
If I adore you, I would pray that you would not take it for granted. If I lose sleep over you, if I have to force myself not to contact you within a day, if I pretend that it does not affect me in the least...
If, if, IF...
What if I had never said anything in the first place?
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