So firstly, I just want to say how much I love my little sister, Mikkaila, who is on her mission for the church. I did the math, and in two weeks she will be 1/3 of the way done with her mission (not that I will tell her that because if she wants to know she'll probably have it figured out already). I love how she takes what I write to her every week and responds just the way I need her to. Sometimes I wonder if she knows something I don't (which is entirely possible) but whatever it is, I'll let her keep it to herself until she gets back.
So it has been kind of great lately in the fact that although I haven't been getting tons of sleep, I am definitely getting back to myself. This is evident in the fact that it takes very little to make me smile or feel genuinely happy (i.e. a butterfly crossing my path or a sudden downpour of rain). However with this realization comes the realization that what I have been feeling has been a lot closer to true feeling than it has in the past year. For example, when I am brought to tears it is because I truly feel it deserves to be cried over and not simply because I spilled a little milk on the counter. Likewise, when I appreciate someone it is because I feel they truly deserve a place in my life rather than, "oh, he gave me attention! Let me lavish my attention on him!" No. If I am texting you, wanting to spend time with you... it's because I want you in my life, believe it or not.
I have been told by people in the past that they were purposefully avoiding me--which translated into their ignoring me--saying that it was for my good.
Now, I am pretty sure I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I don't respond well to being ignored. There are three levels of hurt in the texting world and I list them in order of how badly they hurt from least to greatest (not to be confused with greatest to least).
1. Words--whether they be on purpose or if what you're trying to say just doesn't translate into written form very well (seeing as one is denied the opportunity to see your expression or hear the inflection of your words). They can cause hurt, yes, but you are still communicating to an extent.
2. Confirmation--also known as the words that you eventually send to explain why you haven't been responding. I don't mean when you say that you were with friends/family/doctors/class--but when you say that you would rather carry a certain conversation on in person so as to avoid hurt number one. But most of the suspicions for the reason you have been ignoring me have been confirmed and, though it hurts, at least I know what is going on in your mind... more or less.
3. The Act of Ignoring--I am anxiety girl... able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound. I am also very apt at assuming that I have said something/done something horribly wrong in your eyes and that I, in fact, deserve to be ignored or you have something to tell me that is going to break my heart, etc, etc, etc.
Does this make sense? I know I am overzealous and have way more affection and love to give than some people neither expect or are used to or, perhaps, even want. It's a curse really.
I was brought up in a home where I was loved and knew it. Always. I never had to doubt. My younger brother was the type to insist upon goodnight kisses and hugs every day and it sort of rubbed off on me. And now every time I go home, me and my younger sister are quite cuddly. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes with the package.
I am an overzealous, detail-oriented, cuddle bug with more affection than I know what to do with. I think everyone deserves to be loved. If you are important to me, I will remember details about you, dates that are important to you. You will feel important.
Is there anything I have missed?
(This occurred to me the other day and I finally had a moment to write it up... it's something that has been on my mind for a few months now. XD)
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