Another Writing Exercise

"Write about the one thing you never expected him to say." Ah Pinterest, what fun we'll have. Ha.

We walked away from the music and dancing to a quiet spot, neither of us saying a word. I couldn't say what was going on in his head, which box he was thinking in, but my mind was going a mile a minute. Was I walking too close to him? Too far away? Why did my stomach have to spin in somersaults? Should I speak first or wait quietly until he spoke? Was it colder out here than it had been all summer? Did I have enough milk in the fridge to get through the weekend?
He came to what I perceived as an abrupt stop although once I resurfaced from my increasingly sporadic thoughts I saw it made sense to stop seeing as we had crossed the street and any further would put us in the dark of the trees. But my mind flicked to the next series of thoughts--did he mean for us to sit on the bench? How close was too close? How far was too far? How? What? Where? When? Why?
I sat in a jerky motion down on the bench sitting neither in the center of the bench nor on either extreme end. Let him decide what to do or how close to sit. He sat at the extreme end and my heart plummeted into my stomach. Should I move further away? Should I...?
"Amelia." He spoke softly but it sounded loud and he easily had all of my attention... or at least all except the niggling thoughts that kept my heart from rising to its rightful position. "How was your day?" I blinked and quickly looked down at my hands when his gray eyes lifted to look at me directly.
What did he mean? How was my day? How else could my day have gone while I was hoping and simultaneously dreading the moment we were in right then? My day had been horrible, dragging, and I still had the residual headache of having to focus on my work at the office while still running through "what if" scenarios in my mind!
"It was fine, I guess," I answered a beat late. I could feel his gaze on my face, the narrowing of his eyes as his eyebrows drew down in his usual concern when he knew I wasn't telling him the truth. He didn't push it, however--had I wanted him to?-- and gave a soft, "Oh, that's good."
The silence reigned uncomfortably again. I shifted and he stayed aggravatingly still. Wasn't he the least bit nervous about this conversation?
"How was your day, Ewan?" I inquired stiltedly. I had made the mistake of looking at him and when he looked back (was that relief in his eyes?) I was stuck. His eyes were bluer than the usual cool gray.
"Busy, as usual. A little stressful but what else is new?" he asked rhetorically. I slowly nodded wishing to look away but not wanting to miss seeing his face even though I had just seen it a few days before. His smile faded and he let his gaze turn up to the sky and I sighed softly being released from the spell. I worried at my lip. Why was talking so hard? I knew what needed to be asked... he knew what needed to be said... couldn't we just be over this already?
We both started to speak at once and chuckled in embarrassment. "You first," he offered and I nodded though I stayed silent for another minute or two that felt like an eternity.
"What are we?" I finally managed to ask not strong enough to look at him so I considered my shoes pushing at the cement. I knew what he was going to say already... he'd said as much in the text he'd sent a few weeks prior but, glutton for punishment that I am, I had to hear him say it aloud. I needed him to tell me we were "friends" and see it in his eyes... see that all the admiration and near-adoration he had once regarded me with was gone. I needed to see that he was resolved and that I had no place in his world except for as his friend or, more painfully still, his pseudo-sister.
When he didn't respond, I finally peeled my gaze from the ground to look at him and the sight squeezed painfully at my heart that had somehow found its way back to my rib-cage. How long had that look been trained on me?
I loved him. I still loved him. His eyes, his nose, his expressive mouth... I even loved his ears. I'm sure my expression was pitiable as I stood up from the bench and paced a few steps away. I had to or else give way to the instinctual action to kiss him. I stopped under an oak, picking at its bark as I cast a cautious look over my shoulder. Ewan continued to look at the air I had just vacated, his brow furrowed as he thought of the best words to express himself... as he always did.
"Please, Ewan..." My voice came out softer than I had intended as if afraid to call attention to myself again. After a moment, he looked up at me and I took a tentative step toward him before faltering and wrapping my arms around myself. It was definitely colder.
"I just need to hear it from you, Ewan." He opened his mouth to speak but closed it as he looked down and I shook my arms out in frustration before pulling them through my hair. When he still wasn't forthcoming with the words I knew he was going to say I turned to look at him. My body warred with me. Every fiber of my being wanted to reach out and tell him that he didn't need to say it. That I understood. That it was fine. That I would be fine. But I was determined to let my brain win this war.
"Repeat after me, then, if nothing else, Ewan," I barely managed to contain all the waspishness that had been building over the past weeks but my tone must have still woke him up to my nearing breakdown. "I just want to be friends. Nothing more. Now your turn," I urged, my gaze imploring him to say it and be done with it.
His face crumpled into a defeated expression before he shook his head and stood up, a tentative smile upon his lips. To my horror, he took the last few steps to close the space between us. I jerked back but not quickly enough before his hands grasped my upper arms, firmly but not painfully.
"I can't." The words were simple but I still returned them with, "What?"
"I can't repeat those words to you, Amelia," he clarified, the smile becoming softer in its more pronounced state.
I couldn't speak, my head shaking in negative as I tried to step away but he followed my step allowing his hands to take my face gently so he was sure I was looking at him. "Let me try again," he said with a soft laugh--self-deprecating perhaps? "I can't because it would be a lie...not just to you but to myself." My face crumpled and I tried to pull away, to hide my face but the tears were already slipping from the corners of my eyes and he held my face steadily. "Don't hide from me, silly girl," he spoke tenderly as I pulled weakly at his hands.
"Why are you doing this?" I cried, not able to comprehend what he had said as holding any truth. My hands curled into the front of his shirt, my brain telling me to push him away, punch him, slap him--DO SOMETHING to make him let go! But the rest of me? He heard the rest of me as he pulled me in, holding my head against his chest.
"Because I am selfish, remember?"
The words caused me to hiccup a laugh in the midst of the tears and I felt his smile through my hair as he kissed it.
"I thought that it would be easy if I just stayed away... but not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you, Amelia. Believe me. I don't even want to say I could forget you. I just hope you can one day forgive me." My head was spinning and not just from being so close to him that I forgot to breathe as I always. "However," he said after a while of silence in which I sniffled unattractively. I pulled back at his "however" and prepared for the worst. What a horrid word.... "however"...
My opinion of it must have showed on my face because he laughed with his eyebrow quirked up and his lips pursing to the side before he spoke. "However, I still don't think we should dive straight into a relationship... but we will have our time together...once each week at least," and when I started to shake my head, he grabbed my chin firmly and looked at me seriously, "or else you can punch me."
I rolled my eyes at him causing him to laugh as I realized just how close he was and I could feel his laughing breath fan my face. I pursed my lips and pulled slightly back feeling my resolve crumbling. Heaven knew I wasn't going to allow myself to kiss him first but then, after a slight hesitation from him during which he looked at my wary gaze, I didn't have to for he brushed his lips against mine and he might as well have sucker punched me. My breath whooshed from my lungs and for a moment the past weeks didn't matter.
Too soon, as always, he stepped away from me not before pushing my hair away from my face and caressing my cheek as though to assure himself that I was still there.
"Should we go back?" he asked with his pursed lips that hid the smug smile I had always berated him for. I rolled my eyes again and kissing him lightly on the cheek, I danced away and toward the music once more with a look of challenge thrown over my shoulder. He shook his head but followed catching up to place an arm about my waist as we walked back together.