Ah. Now that that is out of the way, onward.
This evening, as I was brushing out and braiding a wig I purchased the other day from WalMart (still unsure if it will actually be used in this year's Halloween costume) I was having one of my imaginary conversations. The topic being why I never want to hear the words "you look amazing/beautiful/pretty/cute (insert word of choice)" from the men that break my heart because, let's face it, it is really painful to be told you are "everything I could want" and then be rejected for the exact same reasons (apparently, it is possible). However, as I was getting all my feeling on the subject out into the void I came to a realization, an epiphany if you will, as to why it hasn't worked with the guys who, at the end of the day, DO want me and have made their stance perfectly clear on the idea that I am the one they want to wake up to for the rest of their lives.
Basically, I came to the realization that the reason it hasn't worked with them is because they want to possess me. Wait, what? Don't you mean they want to be in a relationship with you? No. Possess. And this is what I mean--I am okay with someone expressing jealousy over my spending time with others but when it happens after any portion of time I spend with others? And furthermore when it is followed up with, "I know I can't control what you do BECAUSE (emphasis added) we're not officially together..." Wait. Hold up.
What makes these people think they will be able to dictate who I can and cannot spend time with once we're dating? Why do they feel the need to "control" me? I grant that every one is entitled to their opinion of others and they are more than welcome to express concern over how much time I spend with my friends (especially, I suppose, those of the opposite sex) but I fully intend to make time for my friends pre-relationship if they in turn are willing to make time for me.
I think that is one of the reasons I end up falling for the people I do because they constantly encourage me (maybe a little too much at times) to spend time with my other friends. Why? Because, as much as they like to spend time with me and have my undivided attention, they realize they shouldn't be the center of my life and world.
I have a feeling some persons out there will call me a liar but the idea of giving up my independence terrifies me. The idea that I won't be able to make plans without checking everything with my significant other makes me at least a little sick. Sure, there are times (sometimes a full week or so at a time) where they are the only person I really care to be around (being an introvert at heart, I believe, does that to a person) but that won't always be the case. There are a few select men in my life that I fully intend to continue healthy friendships with after the whole marriage shenanigan and you better believe I don't aim to marry someone who cannot be mature enough to share my time with them without going into a jealous, huffy-and-puffy, pouting, rage.
Yes. I want someone to want me one day. Someone who will want my attention as often as I can give it. But I also want someone who will set me free from this idea that I will be theirs to "control" and possess once I "finally" submit myself to being their girlfriend and finally wife.
I am sorry... but I am not sorry that I do not want you to put me on a pedestal out of reach of everyone I have every enjoyed spending time with, giving care to, and generally being in relationships with. I am not Rapunzel and heaven forbid you go all Mother Gothel on me. Because, let's face it, that's just creepy... plus, I really don't have a lot of hair to begin with. ;)
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