Of Past Trips and Conversations--Application

After almost a full year, I finally went home this past week. 
I went as a surprise for my younger sister who was graduating on Saturday and though there were a few close calls, my cover was not blown in the end and it was all a grand success. It was wonderful not just because I got to help celebrate such an occasion, but my older brother was also there (though he was initially there for business and would continue on at home a little longer after I left). 
My brother and I are just like any other pair of siblings--getting on each others' nerves, knowing what buttons to push to elicit the most extreme reactions, etc. But I am grateful to know that at the end of the day, we love one another and that is what truly matters. We are certainly still ironing out the ways of stepping around those words that will make us fight but love is the base. 
One of my evenings there, we sat up talking and once my parents were in bed, he switched the topic to what he must have been planning for a while up until that point to speak to me about. 
As with every young adult, I am trying to find my way in this world but the more I go in the direction that I think will lead me to the end all be all of happiness the more I feel that I am simply banging my head against the wall. 
It irritates me to look back at high school and see how much I achieved and how easy it seemed at the time. And now, school, college, is the biggest struggle I have but even when I succeed little by little, it brings no real sense of peace... rather a grim sense of accomplishment that I am that much closer to the milestone I believe everyone expects me to achieve. 
I don't know about you, but I despise myself for living this way and yet it is the path directly in front of me so why shouldn't I traverse it?
My brother combated this idea with another: not why not traverse it but WHY? Stop thinking of the reasons I should not choose something different and think of WHY I am so bullheaded in my pursuit of this path if it brings no satisfaction into my heart.
Forget everyone else and their expectations and urgings and turn inward, just this once.
He asked me why I, as Cassidy, am trying to follow this path and behind those words I felt the current whether he meant to put it there or not of why am I trying to follow this path when it is obviously not working and merely causing a hiccup-like progression in my life?

After thinking about it, I finally came up with an answer that might not be all encompassing but is at least a start. It is because I have been brought up and taught that we must seek learning, be an educated people. The scripture that comes to mind can be found in the Doctrine and Covenants from the scriptures I as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints read--section 88:118:

 "...yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith."

This bit has always intrigued me but I wasn't ever sure what it meant. What I am starting to realize is it means exactly what it says; "seek" learning and knowledge by your study and faith. This encourages the idea in my mind that as long as I am continually learning and growing in wisdom and knowledge and leaning to the Lord's understanding when I fall short, then who says it has to be within the strict institution of a college campus?

Just a note here, I am not bagging on college or any other sort of "higher institution" and I especially believe in the words of my mother when she told me that I should attend high school as if I were to go to college, because at least then, if my attempt to move on with life without college should fail, I will have taken the classes and tests needed to recommend me to those who have the charge to admit students into the school.

A lot of unnecessary grief has been laced in my relationship with my parents over the issue of my living alone and supporting myself. But we have talked about it and over time, I believe we have come to a sort of balance that will only increase in sturdiness over time. 


(I am continuing this post after about a year and a half.)

I am not currently taking classes at the Y. Rather, I am solely working at the Covey Center and working on becoming truly solid in my independence. As I have written a couple times, I discovered my depression and I wonder if that isn't another reason why the whole institution wasn't working out or even if it added to my reasons to suffer. 
Regardless, I am here. Working and coming up on my one year mark at the Covey. I am slowly coming to the realization that I need to work more on my spirituality and growth in my testimony than in anything else that I could possibly pursue at this time. 
So that is what I am doing. I am reading the Book of Mormon, again, along with some manuals that are intended to prepare me for future covenants with the Lord, whether I face the covenants alone or with the man that the Lord has prepared for me.
So. I'm working on me. Becoming the woman the Lord intended me to be. College has been put on hold. Testimony is being kicked into gear. I am on my way to healing the hurts of the past 4 years and doing my best. 

Wish me luck!