101

The cold autumn air bit my cheeks as I walked out of the arts building. A glance up at the sky revealed hardly any cloud cover so it would not rain at the very least on the walk home. Sighing softly, I took the first dizzying step homeward, a sentimental song sounding from the phone I held close to my chest. My mind wandered as I walked past trees with heart shaped leaves, the colors thereof varying from spring green to burnished gold, the last rays of sunlight catching their edges. 

I brushed the cold metal of the cross walk button and stood, joined by a stranger to await the "go" signal. He took off before the light turned green, my eyebrows furrowing in disapproval. "Does he want to be killed?" I asked myself, waiting properly for my turn to cross without danger of being hit by a car. 

I passed a corporate building, glancing in as I usually did when passing the glass and briefly acknowledged a newbie worker with a pleasant face--the worker with his hair swept into a low ponytail absent. This thought busied my thoughts as I waited to be able to cross the street, this time at a non-monitored crosswalk. A car stopped to allow my crossing, and I obligingly picked up my pace to jog across doing my best not to keep the passengers longer than needed. 

That is when it registered that the car coming from the other direction was still rolling forward, slowly compared to the usual traffic, but rolling nonetheless. Hadn't they seen me? Of course they must have--I kept up my jogging pace... but they kept rolling. 

I half-managed cry strangled from my throat as my momentum carried me into the path of the white car that had still managed to be unaware of my presence in the middle of the road. They stopped after my feet managed to carry me in an arc around their front bumper. 

Hand to my heart, I did not dare look back. I did not want to see their accusing faces focusing in on my stupid and reckless expression. My steps wobbled as I walked further down the street my breathing uneven as one's breathing is in such a situation. 

The struggles of the past week suddenly loomed in my mind as I considered what might have happened had I not maneuvered as quickly in evasion of the car or if they had continued in spite of my best but less smart of efforts. 

Why didn't I just allow myself to be hit? I wasn't in the wrong. It would have been the big bad car's fault not the idiot bird who flew into their way. 

Tears, trembling frown, and self-reprimanding thoughts followed like a storm cloud over my head the rest of the way home. How could I possibly consider having continued on the path and allowing myself to be hurt? At the expense of those around me? Monetary/emotional expense?

Curled up in bed, I worry at my lower lip. "Save me," echoes in the hollowness of my heart. "Help me..."