Anything Can Happen...

I watched The Holiday for the first time last night and then watched it again this afternoon around going to my acting class. What a wonderful movie! It truly is inspiring, I think, and reaffirms that things don't always work out the way we expect them to especially in regards to the love front. 
Sometimes we find ourselves so wrapped up in loving someone and being stuck in an unrequited love that we almost miss the chances at true love that are staring us in the face. Things happen to us that totally strip us bare and break us apart and we just need to stand up after giving ourselves a little down time and look life bravely in the face once more and try again.
It is hard to do, I know, but it isn't impossible. I will admit to still having a prick of feeling in my heart when I come into contact with those men that I have loved and feel I will more than likely continue to love until the end of time. But I find joy in my day elsewhere, in the things I accomplish, in my acting, through my love of music and passion for the cinema. 
The other evening while I was at work (custodial at a library for those of you who don't know) I was going through my mind and singing aloud whatever song came to the surface. A Primary hymn filled my mind and I quickly grasped it and started to sing. 
"Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree
I'm glad that I live in the beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me."
I am so blessed that I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel. I may see things that are painful, I may hear words that break my heart, and my heart may feel as though it would explode at any moment because of the sadness I feel but there are so many things to see, hear and feel that are lovely and kind and warm that it definitely tips the scale toward the positive. 
I am thankful for those things that are not as pleasant as I would like them to be because they help me to appreciate the good in the world. 
Even the relationship I have with my parents helps me to see through the day the good and bad that may come my way.  And that is the 3rd of the 30 Things that I am to share with you.

Describe your relationship with your parents:
My parents and I have a rather intricate relationship. I will not make it seem like it is all roses. We have our misunderstandings and feuds and such. We have definitely been butting heads a lot more now that I am out in the world than when I was at home, ironically enough. In their desire to see me succeed, they look for a lot more communication of those things that go on in my daily life than I ever really shared with them when I was at home. I was pretty quiet while living with them, going about my days without too much depth of conversation unless something came up that I felt I just couldn't handle by myself.
There were many times where I would ask my father for a blessing when I felt too sick, physically or in my heart, to continue. He was my support in such things that required a person who would simply sit with you. I didn't ask for much advice from him growing up but I knew he was there if I needed him. Took it for granted even.
My mother is who I went to whenever I had guy problems. Pretty standard really. Whenever I needed advice on friends, I also turned to my mom. I always felt she knew what I needed to hear and had adequate "experience" in that area so that I could be sure that she knew what she was talking about. I took it for granted that conversing with her would always be as easy and non-complicated as this.
Upon moving out to school (for the second time, mind you) things went a little south. The first couple of months weren't too bad. My parents were covering rent for me and with my part time job and the work I had done for the last year and a half, I lived quite comfortably. However, summer came and the probation of my parents paying for my rent came to an end and I was looking for a new job or at least a second part time job. 
It didn't pan out the way I had hoped (and definitely not as my parents felt it should have). The beginning of this month came quickly and suddenly, rent was due and payday wasn't until the last day of rent without late fees... in my desperation to be sure I would not be sunk, I asked my parents for a little extra help so that I would have a cushion, promising that I would pay them back as soon as I possibly could. 
Guns were out and misunderstanding was fully underway as I felt rather attacked by some communication from my mother that perfectly illustrated their disappointment with my progress in life. Being highly provoked, I shot back with my own email signing myself off with my parents if need be. It was a long email and I couldn't be sure if all my feeling was accurately transferred into the words. Within 24 hours, I received an equally long response from my mom. 
I felt as though we had finally understood one another until the ending thoughts of her email. She opened up to me and spoke of her earlier years, post-parents-divorce and more or less, pre-Les-Schwab work. It was safe to say I had never heard of these struggles. It gave me more appreciation for the way my parents worry about me. Our ordeals aren't exactly the same. We both understand that. There are still things that I feel prickly about (I think we all have those little qualms at the very least) but I do wish such stories had been shared with me earlier in life.

I understand how hard it is to relate such details of one's life to others, especially those that we love. I don't like relating the more painful and delicate details of my life to my family because I want their unconditional love without the possibility of them changing their views to drastically because of pot holes I have stepped into and misjudgements that I have made. 
However, at the very least, when they are ready, just a little bit at a time I will open up to them so they know I know what I am talking about. If they still don't listen to me, at least they will know my pain and why I don't want them to go through the same harshness that I have come face to face with. 
I love my parents. I know our misunderstandings over the past couple years aren't all their fault or all mine. But as each child is different, so are the dynamics of your relationships with your children. Of course, that doesn't mean you love one more or less than the others but the way you handle and talk and teach them tends to be different. I know, I know. I am no authority on child-rearing, but I have been watching and taking careful mental notes on what I would like to keep from my parents and the parents around me for my own family and what things I would like to completely change or throw out the window. 
I know at the end of the day that my parents love me it is simply hard to see at times, just like it is hard to see how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us from day to day--especially on those days that we feel the most alone and cry out for a hand to hold and someone to tell us that tomorrow will be a better and brighter day as long as we proceed from now with hope and a love of the life we have. 

We need to be constantly striving to improve ourselves and whenever we fall off the band wagon, we must find a way to get back on. Now and again, we need someone above us to give us a lift up by the hand, someone to guide us back to the fold so that one day we will be the ones to help others who have fallen and strayed. 
I sincerely hope that here in the next few months that my relationship with my parents can grow to a sturdier and surer bond. That we might share our thoughts with love and tender compassion so that we no longer have to walk in the dark on toward the future on our own. I do not want to be left alone. 

I have been reading this book lately, however, that reminded me that I must learn to be independent before I can be truly interdependent. To think of others and act more selflessly. For that is when I will be the most deserving of the Lord's blessing and the companionship that I hope to share in one day with the man the Lord has prepared for me. However, during this walk toward self-improvement, I find a need to continue being happy and content in the now. For you cannot wait, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf says, for the end of the journey to enjoy the road that leads up to it. So here I am. Looking to enjoy the journey, look forward with hope, and learn to be content in and of myself.