Tomorrow is going to be pretty busy and seeing as my mind won't shut off any time soon anyhow, I figure I might as well put up the next of the 30 Things.
What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
How does one really choose what the hardest thing is? They all look equally big or small depending on when they happened and how long they took to get over. Something that seemed hard at the time might not be such a big deal any more.
Other experiences are too personal to share on such a wide scale (although I admittedly only get 10-30 views on my blog posts) and are too close to other people's hearts to share so easily without the permission of the other party.
So I rephrase the above question as such:
What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced and are willing to share?
I would answer with "Life" but that seems to great a cop out. Therefore I will narrow it down to life after home. While at home, although the world didn't revolve around me, at least I knew there was someone I could go to within a few seconds thought to divulge my stories to. I always had a sibling who was willing to listen (a blessing that I seem to have taken for granted) and then there were my parents that as long as I made time and they weren't too busy, I could talk to them if I so desired. Every day I was reminded of my family's support through family prayer and family dinner. Thanks to Tommy, I never went a day without someone at least wanting to show affection (whether I allowed it or not was a different matter entirely... another thing I should have been nicer about).
Some may read this and say, "Just call them!" I don't find talking on the phone easy. I don't find it personal enough and it only seems to compound my longing to be there. The reason I like interacting with people is the expressions they make and the sounds of their voices left pure and clear, not muddled by miles upon miles of phone wire (although I am thankful for such when there is something that must be said immediately... such as Happy Birthday and other such oddments of celebratory speech).
It is so much less confusing when you can see their faces and hear their voices. Misunderstandings, though not completely improbable, are less frequent and if there is a misunderstanding it rarely snowballs up into anything bigger than a brief explanation and a hug of apology can't resolve.
I won't romanticize living at home too much, however, because now that I have had a taste of living on my own, there is only so much time I can devote to living with the family again. Not because I love them any less but merely because there is the new sense of independence that is instilled in my being and just the obvious fact that I move about in my life differently by myself than I am expected to do around the family. But it is very comforting to go back and visit (we have found that 2 weeks is just enough, one week being too short and 3 weeks... well, I'm just short of stir crazy by the end of it).
But the realization that comes with living on your own is that loneliness is easily found, solitude being answered more quickly even without being called for. I know I am never alone for God is with me but not being quite at that level of spirituality, I suppose, I still crave the companionship of friends and loved ones. This causes, and blesses, me to look forward with faith and hope that He will bless me with a family of my own one day that can take away the ache of loneliness and bring about the fulfillment that one can only experience when you finally put your knowledge of families and such into building one of your own.
So I guess the hardest experience I have ever known isn't summed up in "life after home" but in one word alone: loneliness. That is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I have experienced it on many levels and planes especially in these past three years. Some are evident to any one who knows me on a friend level and others are only known to those whom I am compelled by the spirit to share with privately.
I am thankful for those people in my life who take a little time out of their busy schedules to alleviate this sometimes overwhelming loneliness. I am not one who enjoys pity but I do appreciate the understanding that some, often special, people have and who observe quietly before simply serving. I hope that I might become more like them so that my battles with loneliness will be fewer and farther in between.
Well, I have an audition for Disney in the morning and I am thankful to have a best friend who is mindful of my needs and willing to help where she can. For better or worse, afterwards I will be able to spend time with her regardless of the outcome of the auditions and then I will be whisked away to Heber City by Colin to watch Les Mis and if I remember correctly, grab a tasty bite! It will be a good day all in all I believe. Thanks for you support!
Ironically, next time I will tell you about what my dream job is and why!
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