Wow.
Where has this year gone? It is hard to believe that I have been living here in Utah for 14 months. It is even harder to believe that it has already been 5 months since I last saw my parents and siblings and grandmas and aunts and cousins... and pets.
But... how wonderful it is to be able to meet the end of the year and say that I am happy in spite of it all. I know that my family is well. My mother has lost over 30 lbs in the last few months. My little brother set an amazing example of self-possession and bearing such a heavy burden as having to testify in court against one who he once deemed friend. My youngest sister was able to get a kitten in place of one of the best house cats we have ever had who needed to be put down a few months prior to Christmas.
I gather the rest of my family is happy, busy and content as well. What wonderful examples I have been given!
I miss them but as it is sung, "God be with you til we meet again." And I believe He shall be.
This evening brought a phone call to me. The start was shaky. I felt pangs in my heart but I have learned that all hope is not lost. So here I shall be, continuing to live my life as always but at least with something to look forward to. If nothing else, I see a wonderful friendship developing ahead of me and for those who know me best, I need friends. Especially out here in the frozen desert. Haha! How I loathe the snow and the enforced time inside doors so that I might be able to greet the spring with all my phalanges in tact and, yes, even my nose.
As I spoke with my friend, I was reminded intensely of my love of family-- and not just my own although I will admit especially my own. As I spoke of my parents, I repeated how much I wished he could meet them just so I would not have to explain my love of them. Not because I do not wish to explain my love... I just seem to be unable to find the words encompassing enough of my feelings toward them.
This past year I have learned quite a bit about my mother at the least and am thankful that they are my parents so that I may continue to learn about them and continue to get to know them. The sacrifices they have made for me and my siblings awe me and compel me to strive each day to be more deserving of their sacrifice of time and, more often than I would like to admit, patience with their first daughter.
I am grateful that they had at least one child ahead of me, even a boy. I am especially grateful Jerry is a boy. Why? For the sake of self respect. Yes, yes. We fight... oftener when we lived together than we do now but there was no mistaking his love for me as his sister. He had learned this love from our parents and I think hardly a day passed when he would not reaffirm at the very least at the end of the day how much he loved and thought of me.
This especially helped upon the entering into high school. Although I did not attract a lot of attention, it was enough to have my brother's hackles raised now and again in defense of my integrity. I laugh now to think of the times he defended my honor when I did not believe that he needed to.
I recall one such time when a boy from his grade was giving me a little extra attention and conversing with me. One conversation I had with this boy led to the topic of my dressing standard. Personally in high school I very much liked to dress to please no one but myself. I wore comfortable clothes even if from time to time they were a little over large on me. This boy, however, thought I might need a little advice on the topic and spoke in a rather beating-around-the-bush way thus: he informed me that if I were to wear clothing a little more conforming to the world's standard (perhaps a tank top from time to time or shorts now and again) that I would attract a lot more attention from the boys around me. What did this translate to in my mind? Merely that the boy was letting me know that there were at least a handful of guys, if not himself, that found me cute at the very least. I was flattered but assure you that I did not even consider the change of my dressing standard for the smallest moment.
I found it entertaining and thus told my brother about the conversation. I was mortified at the time but now I laugh heartily. It was in the time of myspace and Jerry promptly logged on and told the boy off... with stronger language than I had ever seen my brother use in my defense. Fierce he was and although the boy "shrugged it off" I was never spoken to again by any such boy at the school. Respect or fear? I have no idea but who knew my second knight in shining armor (second only to my father) would be my older brother?
I have never questioned their love for me. Thus, in this home of such strong and enveloping love, I never felt the need to throw myself in the paths of men during my high school years in hopes of filling the void that I am afraid too many young women are faced with in this day and age. How ungrateful I would be if I chose to forget this for one moment.
I am also thankful for my younger brother. Another thing I admitted to my friend is my seeming reliance on the energy I get from hugs. Tommy always gave me hugs when I was home. I wish I would have taken the majority of them more willingly than I did because now I realize how much I looked forward to the time he would take to express his boundless love for me through his hugs. I am not going to lie, there were a few times when I thought he needed to buck up and be a man but... in hindsight if he would have been the boy I had thought he should try to be I would have lost even more sweet and tender moments with him.
Not everyone gets the experience of having both an older and a younger brother and on top of that a father who is loving, kind, patient and takes an interest in their life. And for this, I have the utmost gratitude for.
31 December 2012
28 December 2012
Of Clothes and Nonsense...
Okay. Prepare to be amazed.
For the last few months, I have been seeing a lot of people losing weight. A friend of mine posted the other day that she is finally down to a size 6 pant/dress. As excited as I was by her success, I looked at her picture and thought, "You know... we look about the same size... why am I two sizes bigger than her?"
Now, by no stretch of the imagination do I think I am overweight. Honest. But I kept feeling bad ever time I thought about it.
Well, I was doing my laundry today and seeing as I have been on the hunt for pants to buy and having to try a pant size down from my regular size, I was going through my pants and checking out the sizes. Then I picked up a skirt my parents bought for me just last Christmas. It says it is a size 10 and I started thinking about how I could probably go down a size (maybe two seeing as it was a little big on me even last year). And you know what I realized?
The pants I have are size 11. The skirt is a size 10. But, what I neglected to realize in my quiet thoughts is this--- my pants are from the Junior section. The skirt... is from the misses section. I as comparing my size 11 in Juniors to my friend's size 6 in misses. My jaw literally dropped and I nearly smacked myself in the forehead upon this realization.
Ridiculous. I know. But you have no idea how much better I feel about myself. My mind has been blown.
But to be completely honest, I am happy. Not only with my body image but my life in general. I am single, dating, making friends, taking a class, working, fulfilling my church calling. I am happy and content and thankful for the love and support I get from my family, friends and Heavenly Father. Life is good.
Thanks for reading.
For the last few months, I have been seeing a lot of people losing weight. A friend of mine posted the other day that she is finally down to a size 6 pant/dress. As excited as I was by her success, I looked at her picture and thought, "You know... we look about the same size... why am I two sizes bigger than her?"
Now, by no stretch of the imagination do I think I am overweight. Honest. But I kept feeling bad ever time I thought about it.
Well, I was doing my laundry today and seeing as I have been on the hunt for pants to buy and having to try a pant size down from my regular size, I was going through my pants and checking out the sizes. Then I picked up a skirt my parents bought for me just last Christmas. It says it is a size 10 and I started thinking about how I could probably go down a size (maybe two seeing as it was a little big on me even last year). And you know what I realized?
The pants I have are size 11. The skirt is a size 10. But, what I neglected to realize in my quiet thoughts is this--- my pants are from the Junior section. The skirt... is from the misses section. I as comparing my size 11 in Juniors to my friend's size 6 in misses. My jaw literally dropped and I nearly smacked myself in the forehead upon this realization.
Ridiculous. I know. But you have no idea how much better I feel about myself. My mind has been blown.
But to be completely honest, I am happy. Not only with my body image but my life in general. I am single, dating, making friends, taking a class, working, fulfilling my church calling. I am happy and content and thankful for the love and support I get from my family, friends and Heavenly Father. Life is good.
Thanks for reading.
26 December 2012
Christmas and Singlehood
Merry Christmas!
It seems really too crazy that we are only 5 days from the New Year. It was rather heart-warming this Christmas season, this being my second Christmas in a row spent away from home, to know just how many people there are within just a few miles and minutes away from me that care enough about me to invite me to their homes for Christmas celebrations and festivities. I felt terrible about waiting until what seemed like the very last minute possible to decide exactly where and with whom I would spending Christmas but I am so thankful to those invitations and to those who might have been inconvenienced at any time due to my indecision.
However, I finally chose to go to a friend of mine's home in Bountiful. Now, as with every time I go to a friend's house to meet their family for the first time, I was as nervous as a fox in a hen house. How wonderful it was when I was picked up by my friend's cousin to drive halfway there and find someone to reassure me with words and stories about how fantastic this family was that I was going to meet.
Then when the first thing said to me after introductions was to make myself at home in the house I had walked into (which was very beautifully constructed and decorated, by the way) I felt myself defrost internally. Even though I was at first left to converse solely with his father, I immediately felt at ease.
I am completely convinced the Lord had a hand in this-- to be treated as kindly as I was although I could do nothing more for them than give them one more mouth to fill (and even another gift or two to be taken)... it is truly comforting to know how far the Lord's hand reaches from my home to make me feel at home if but for a moment in the house of friends who share the same belief.
And what a sweet and tender experience to be allowed to be among the family when their son who is currently on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called home to talk to them after having been out for just about 6 months. So much testimony was shared and I although I felt rather acutely of my homesickness having just called my own family at home, I was so very grateful to feel the love in their home. It did not hurt, of course, that he approved of my being there and also gave me a mission to be a good friend to his brother until further notice.
This family also has a most wonderful tradition! Christmas morning before eating themselves, they always go to a certain homeless shelter near their home and fix breakfast for those who might happen to stop by the shelter that day. I was given the task of cooking scrambled eggs and made 3 full skillets of them. The sincere gratitude of the patrons that day was something to behold. A young boy came to the counter after having eaten (he was just about 2 years old) and thanked us most enthusiastically and it warmed my heart.
I am so thankful for those gifts I was given this year. Thoughtful they were and I am glad of them. It did surprise me, however, when I got not one but three gifts and a stocking from this dear family. Without even knowing me, they bought a sweater/scarf ensemble, the color of which was quite different from any I am accustomed to but very beautiful and the perfect size! They gave me a warm BYU (go team!) sweatshirt along with some fun toe socks. A bottle of some of my favorite soda attached to a bag of popcorn made me smile as well as the individual's size of Martinelli's, a candy cane, two rolls of Life Savers hard candy, sweet petal lotion, Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash, bubble gum balls in one of those candy cane shaped containers and even the stocking itself which they purchased for this occasion.
Although it wasn't the last present I opened, it was the one that surprised me most because it was the first of the two unexpected gifts. After having served at the homeless shelter, we went to his mother's parents' home for breakfast (which was an interesting egg and shrimp casserole that I wish I could have fit more of into my tummy). After breakfast, their family tradition is to open gifts with everyone. But not just any gifts-- it is kind of like a Secret Santa thing between all the cousins and then the gifts from grandchildren to grandparents and children to parents and then grandparents to children and grandchildren. How fun it was to see all the looks on the children's faces when they opened their gifts, I was quite content sitting beside my friend and looking on.
But I was pulled to the front by his sister who handed me a gift from the family and I was referred to as, more or less, an honorary cousin. Opening the gift revealed a blanket. I would have to say that it was a symbol of all I felt the last two days. It was soft and warm, much like my feelings and heart during this time of year that is hard to find oneself away from family.
On a fun note, I also got to do something else I had never done before. That is right. I, Cassidy, was aloud to wield a snow-blower. After Christmas Eve dinner (another delicious and surprisingly warm and welcoming family affair during which we shared our musical talents and even I, the guest, was given the invitation to sing for them), since it had been snowing practically all day, we needed to clear the driveway for the sake of safe parking and such. So I was in charge of getting as much as the top snow loosened off the drive with the lawnmower-like snow-blower. My hands were an amazing shade of pink by the end but, oh, was it worth it! (A side note- I even got to choose the Christmas Eve movie and I chose the Polar Express!)
In much shorter terms, I had a beautiful blast of an experience the last two days and I am thankful I made the choice and am also thankful the Lord moved the hearts of this family to take me in to their home during such a busy time of their year.
So. I remember just a few blog posts ago promising I would never talk of boys again until something happened... well...
Haha! Okay, so nothing has changed as far as my status goes but one of the gifts I received from my parents was a talk on CD by John Bytheway entitled What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single: How to Do Life as a Young Adult. I will admit that I was a tad embarrassed to open this in front of the family I had just become acquainted with but I listened to it just a little while ago and you know what? It was brilliant! Not only was it full of humor, the way Brother Bytheway is apt to be when he speaks to young adults (and the youth as well), but it was full of great quotes from apostles and other authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints along with his opinions and also scripture references from all the standard works (yes, even the Bible was used for those outside the Church). I would most definitely recommend it to any of my other single friends (and even those who are not my friends, haha).
It started out with a metaphor Brother Bytheway came up with himself. It goes roughly like this: a single, unattached, adult is sitting at a piano. Before them sits a duet. It is titled "Marriage". Looking at the piece, you can tell it will be most beautiful. Yet, it is a duet and thus needs two people, and 4 hands to play. As the would be player sits there, someone approaches and asks, "Why are you not playing the song?" The response: "I would, but unless someone chooses to play it with me, I cannot." The someone replies with some remark along the lines of the player just not trying hard enough, or lacking faith, or even (dare they say it) the player is being "too picky". And then... they walk away. Others follow in suit, say much the same thing with their "all knowing" opinions and walk away.
I loved this metaphor because of its use of the piano and duets because it is something I understand and completely relate to.
How many times have I or others I know been approached and asked why we are not married? I probably could not count the many of times on my two hands. The wonderful thing about the first part of Brother Bytheway's talk is the realization he gives that marriage is not something we can do alone (it is one of the few ordinances of gospel in which we need another person to fulfill the commandment). It truly does not matter how many times you fast and pray to find out who the one you end up with will be if they do not use their own agency to choose you in the end, too.
He continues on to talk about how we should not sit in our rooms all day and bemoan our singlehood. Find happiness in being single! Show the world that you can be interesting by yourself! (Funny how my parents have been telling me this all my life... heh) It is not attractive to sit around and talk about being single with every breath and every conversation. Go out and live your life. Give yourself opportunities by being around people and having contact with new people so that you have not wasted your time in your sadness.
Another point he made was how it is never a question of "Did I miss my chance?" but rather simply relying on God's timing and His knowing of what you need a given time of your life. Heavenly Father is always mindful of His children and will guide you if you let Him. You have to stop worrying about what you cannot control and simply work with what you can. Be a better person. Improve upon yourself every day. Find those things that might not be as attractive (in Brother Bytheway's example a lack of listening to what people are saying directly to you) and learn how you can change them and become a better you.
In short, if you are doing all that you can to just be you and grow the way the Lord wishes for you to do since you chose to come to this earth, it will work out. But of course, there is the little matter of agency. Not only the agency of those who you would marry but yourself as well.
The last part I want to comment on is the section where Brother Bytheway talked of finally finding the person you marry. Many people say that you must have a confirmation from the Lord if you are to marry someone. Therefore some pray about the person they have found and rely upon the Lord to give them a definitive yes or no... but his belief, which I also share is this: that you must study the decision out in your own mind first, make the choice and then lay it before the Lord. Sometimes you will not get a definitive yes. But who knows? I have heard it both ways.
The Lord has given us the agency. We choose. We choose whom we marry. The Lord does not choose for us. And although that is a terrifying thought, at the same time it brings me comfort. I don't have to rely on a guy to tell me it is right because I can get my own confirmation. However, along with this choice we need to think about the people that we are dating. You have heard of the saying "you are what you eat". Well, applying it here, you marry who you date. True words, right?
If you know that you don't want to marry a particular guy, do not date him. Sometimes I find myself going on dates to see if it could work out but I have always kept my head and made this promise to myself: if I do not feel that I could marry them (even if it is a shallow reason) I will not continue to date them. Not even casually. It may hurt them when I say no when we're "only at the beginning" but is not that better than continuing the game and hurting them even more in the long run? I don't find any use in it. Honesty should be the first thing on your mind when you go to date someone. If you don't really feel it, then don't do it! What do I mean? If there is no meaning behind holding their hand or giving them a kiss then do not do it. It might not be such a big deal to you but we are always communicating even in the silence.
Of course I do not expect everyone to be honest but at the same time, I do catch myself on the verge of being dishonest in my feelings and therefore am continually striving to be better and more honest in my affections. I do not know if there is anyone that I have really hurt recently in the realm of dating but if there is, I apologize and hope that you would see me as I am. Striving just as everyone else is to be a better person.
Lastly... to my future husband. I love you and hope, pray and strive so that once we choose one another I might not let you down.
And again, I am grateful to all those who have supported me this last year and especially recently with gifts of love, time and friendship. It truly means the world to me.
It seems really too crazy that we are only 5 days from the New Year. It was rather heart-warming this Christmas season, this being my second Christmas in a row spent away from home, to know just how many people there are within just a few miles and minutes away from me that care enough about me to invite me to their homes for Christmas celebrations and festivities. I felt terrible about waiting until what seemed like the very last minute possible to decide exactly where and with whom I would spending Christmas but I am so thankful to those invitations and to those who might have been inconvenienced at any time due to my indecision.
However, I finally chose to go to a friend of mine's home in Bountiful. Now, as with every time I go to a friend's house to meet their family for the first time, I was as nervous as a fox in a hen house. How wonderful it was when I was picked up by my friend's cousin to drive halfway there and find someone to reassure me with words and stories about how fantastic this family was that I was going to meet.
Then when the first thing said to me after introductions was to make myself at home in the house I had walked into (which was very beautifully constructed and decorated, by the way) I felt myself defrost internally. Even though I was at first left to converse solely with his father, I immediately felt at ease.
I am completely convinced the Lord had a hand in this-- to be treated as kindly as I was although I could do nothing more for them than give them one more mouth to fill (and even another gift or two to be taken)... it is truly comforting to know how far the Lord's hand reaches from my home to make me feel at home if but for a moment in the house of friends who share the same belief.
And what a sweet and tender experience to be allowed to be among the family when their son who is currently on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called home to talk to them after having been out for just about 6 months. So much testimony was shared and I although I felt rather acutely of my homesickness having just called my own family at home, I was so very grateful to feel the love in their home. It did not hurt, of course, that he approved of my being there and also gave me a mission to be a good friend to his brother until further notice.
This family also has a most wonderful tradition! Christmas morning before eating themselves, they always go to a certain homeless shelter near their home and fix breakfast for those who might happen to stop by the shelter that day. I was given the task of cooking scrambled eggs and made 3 full skillets of them. The sincere gratitude of the patrons that day was something to behold. A young boy came to the counter after having eaten (he was just about 2 years old) and thanked us most enthusiastically and it warmed my heart.
I am so thankful for those gifts I was given this year. Thoughtful they were and I am glad of them. It did surprise me, however, when I got not one but three gifts and a stocking from this dear family. Without even knowing me, they bought a sweater/scarf ensemble, the color of which was quite different from any I am accustomed to but very beautiful and the perfect size! They gave me a warm BYU (go team!) sweatshirt along with some fun toe socks. A bottle of some of my favorite soda attached to a bag of popcorn made me smile as well as the individual's size of Martinelli's, a candy cane, two rolls of Life Savers hard candy, sweet petal lotion, Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash, bubble gum balls in one of those candy cane shaped containers and even the stocking itself which they purchased for this occasion.
Although it wasn't the last present I opened, it was the one that surprised me most because it was the first of the two unexpected gifts. After having served at the homeless shelter, we went to his mother's parents' home for breakfast (which was an interesting egg and shrimp casserole that I wish I could have fit more of into my tummy). After breakfast, their family tradition is to open gifts with everyone. But not just any gifts-- it is kind of like a Secret Santa thing between all the cousins and then the gifts from grandchildren to grandparents and children to parents and then grandparents to children and grandchildren. How fun it was to see all the looks on the children's faces when they opened their gifts, I was quite content sitting beside my friend and looking on.
But I was pulled to the front by his sister who handed me a gift from the family and I was referred to as, more or less, an honorary cousin. Opening the gift revealed a blanket. I would have to say that it was a symbol of all I felt the last two days. It was soft and warm, much like my feelings and heart during this time of year that is hard to find oneself away from family.
On a fun note, I also got to do something else I had never done before. That is right. I, Cassidy, was aloud to wield a snow-blower. After Christmas Eve dinner (another delicious and surprisingly warm and welcoming family affair during which we shared our musical talents and even I, the guest, was given the invitation to sing for them), since it had been snowing practically all day, we needed to clear the driveway for the sake of safe parking and such. So I was in charge of getting as much as the top snow loosened off the drive with the lawnmower-like snow-blower. My hands were an amazing shade of pink by the end but, oh, was it worth it! (A side note- I even got to choose the Christmas Eve movie and I chose the Polar Express!)
In much shorter terms, I had a beautiful blast of an experience the last two days and I am thankful I made the choice and am also thankful the Lord moved the hearts of this family to take me in to their home during such a busy time of their year.
So. I remember just a few blog posts ago promising I would never talk of boys again until something happened... well...
Haha! Okay, so nothing has changed as far as my status goes but one of the gifts I received from my parents was a talk on CD by John Bytheway entitled What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single: How to Do Life as a Young Adult. I will admit that I was a tad embarrassed to open this in front of the family I had just become acquainted with but I listened to it just a little while ago and you know what? It was brilliant! Not only was it full of humor, the way Brother Bytheway is apt to be when he speaks to young adults (and the youth as well), but it was full of great quotes from apostles and other authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints along with his opinions and also scripture references from all the standard works (yes, even the Bible was used for those outside the Church). I would most definitely recommend it to any of my other single friends (and even those who are not my friends, haha).
It started out with a metaphor Brother Bytheway came up with himself. It goes roughly like this: a single, unattached, adult is sitting at a piano. Before them sits a duet. It is titled "Marriage". Looking at the piece, you can tell it will be most beautiful. Yet, it is a duet and thus needs two people, and 4 hands to play. As the would be player sits there, someone approaches and asks, "Why are you not playing the song?" The response: "I would, but unless someone chooses to play it with me, I cannot." The someone replies with some remark along the lines of the player just not trying hard enough, or lacking faith, or even (dare they say it) the player is being "too picky". And then... they walk away. Others follow in suit, say much the same thing with their "all knowing" opinions and walk away.
I loved this metaphor because of its use of the piano and duets because it is something I understand and completely relate to.
How many times have I or others I know been approached and asked why we are not married? I probably could not count the many of times on my two hands. The wonderful thing about the first part of Brother Bytheway's talk is the realization he gives that marriage is not something we can do alone (it is one of the few ordinances of gospel in which we need another person to fulfill the commandment). It truly does not matter how many times you fast and pray to find out who the one you end up with will be if they do not use their own agency to choose you in the end, too.
He continues on to talk about how we should not sit in our rooms all day and bemoan our singlehood. Find happiness in being single! Show the world that you can be interesting by yourself! (Funny how my parents have been telling me this all my life... heh) It is not attractive to sit around and talk about being single with every breath and every conversation. Go out and live your life. Give yourself opportunities by being around people and having contact with new people so that you have not wasted your time in your sadness.
Another point he made was how it is never a question of "Did I miss my chance?" but rather simply relying on God's timing and His knowing of what you need a given time of your life. Heavenly Father is always mindful of His children and will guide you if you let Him. You have to stop worrying about what you cannot control and simply work with what you can. Be a better person. Improve upon yourself every day. Find those things that might not be as attractive (in Brother Bytheway's example a lack of listening to what people are saying directly to you) and learn how you can change them and become a better you.
In short, if you are doing all that you can to just be you and grow the way the Lord wishes for you to do since you chose to come to this earth, it will work out. But of course, there is the little matter of agency. Not only the agency of those who you would marry but yourself as well.
The last part I want to comment on is the section where Brother Bytheway talked of finally finding the person you marry. Many people say that you must have a confirmation from the Lord if you are to marry someone. Therefore some pray about the person they have found and rely upon the Lord to give them a definitive yes or no... but his belief, which I also share is this: that you must study the decision out in your own mind first, make the choice and then lay it before the Lord. Sometimes you will not get a definitive yes. But who knows? I have heard it both ways.
The Lord has given us the agency. We choose. We choose whom we marry. The Lord does not choose for us. And although that is a terrifying thought, at the same time it brings me comfort. I don't have to rely on a guy to tell me it is right because I can get my own confirmation. However, along with this choice we need to think about the people that we are dating. You have heard of the saying "you are what you eat". Well, applying it here, you marry who you date. True words, right?
If you know that you don't want to marry a particular guy, do not date him. Sometimes I find myself going on dates to see if it could work out but I have always kept my head and made this promise to myself: if I do not feel that I could marry them (even if it is a shallow reason) I will not continue to date them. Not even casually. It may hurt them when I say no when we're "only at the beginning" but is not that better than continuing the game and hurting them even more in the long run? I don't find any use in it. Honesty should be the first thing on your mind when you go to date someone. If you don't really feel it, then don't do it! What do I mean? If there is no meaning behind holding their hand or giving them a kiss then do not do it. It might not be such a big deal to you but we are always communicating even in the silence.
Of course I do not expect everyone to be honest but at the same time, I do catch myself on the verge of being dishonest in my feelings and therefore am continually striving to be better and more honest in my affections. I do not know if there is anyone that I have really hurt recently in the realm of dating but if there is, I apologize and hope that you would see me as I am. Striving just as everyone else is to be a better person.
Lastly... to my future husband. I love you and hope, pray and strive so that once we choose one another I might not let you down.
And again, I am grateful to all those who have supported me this last year and especially recently with gifts of love, time and friendship. It truly means the world to me.
15 December 2012
Thoughts and Stuff
So, school has come to an end, finals are over and done with and now I look ahead to three weeks of academic break. For the sake of holding on to my student status, I have signed up for a dance class this next winter but seeing as I am merely on the waiting list, I still have three weeks to decide whether I will actually pursue this class.
That aside...
I got the chance to go with my friends to their grandparents' home (for support, you see... it was my friend's first time meeting the family and seeing as she is dating the younger brother, I was invited to "save face"... not too bad, seeing as I got a meal in exchange and a less lonely first day of break). There was quite a bit of the family to meet and it was fun to discover that... it was not awkward for me to be there. I mean usually when one goes to such an occasion, you feel all out of sorts but not so. Which made it easier for me to pay attention to those I was talking to.
At one time after the meal, a group of us were sitting in the living room and the topic turned to the miracles of God and how in times of war there tend to be more than our fare share of protection from above.
The grandpa shared a few miraculous stories with us and as I paid close attention to his story, I also watched his mannerisms and the set of his face, the pace of his words and even the way he would stop for a breath to settle into the next sentence.
It struck me. This man reminded me of my own granddad (meaning the grandpa on my mother's side) and it was a rather poignant moment.
You see... my granddad is not a member of the Church, never has been. The unfortunate deterioration of time and drinking has not worn well on him and it breaks my heart to feel distance between us that did not use to be there. But having served in the military as well as this other grandfather, I stopped to wonder... does he have stories like this? Would he pick up on such stories? And lastly, would he attribute the outcomes to the grace of God?
Looking at my friend's grandpa this is what I was struck with: this could have been my granddad if he had been a member.
To be honest, I have not given up entirely on the hope that he might eventually find interest and seek more earnestly after the Church but I fear it will not be in this life. I love visiting my granddad but I wish that I could hear such stories of war seen in the light of hope, faith and Christ as I saw in this grandpa. The testimony that he plainly bore in spirit, tone and even the plain words he used to express his belief was beautiful and mighty to behold.
It showed me the importance of my faith not just now but later in my life. Will my grandchildren be able to gather around me and hear of the faith and hope in my life stories through to tough times or will my testimony fall into disrepair?
With Christmas just around the corner, my heart is most quickly turned toward the "reason for the season", to quote the ol' cliche. And I want to say that I am most thankful for my belief in Jesus Christ and in His ultimate sacrifice that gives us the opportunity to live with Him and our Heavenly Father once more. I am also thankful for this belief and, yes, even knowledge especially when things such as the Connecticut shooting occur. I certainly pray for those families who have lost their little ones, for the comfort and strength to continue living. But I know that the Lord has gathered those little ones close to Him and they will experience His everlasting peace and happiness. They came here for what they needed most and will continue to grow under His eyes.
I bear this testimony to you. In the name of the Father's Begotten Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
That aside...
I got the chance to go with my friends to their grandparents' home (for support, you see... it was my friend's first time meeting the family and seeing as she is dating the younger brother, I was invited to "save face"... not too bad, seeing as I got a meal in exchange and a less lonely first day of break). There was quite a bit of the family to meet and it was fun to discover that... it was not awkward for me to be there. I mean usually when one goes to such an occasion, you feel all out of sorts but not so. Which made it easier for me to pay attention to those I was talking to.
At one time after the meal, a group of us were sitting in the living room and the topic turned to the miracles of God and how in times of war there tend to be more than our fare share of protection from above.
The grandpa shared a few miraculous stories with us and as I paid close attention to his story, I also watched his mannerisms and the set of his face, the pace of his words and even the way he would stop for a breath to settle into the next sentence.
It struck me. This man reminded me of my own granddad (meaning the grandpa on my mother's side) and it was a rather poignant moment.
You see... my granddad is not a member of the Church, never has been. The unfortunate deterioration of time and drinking has not worn well on him and it breaks my heart to feel distance between us that did not use to be there. But having served in the military as well as this other grandfather, I stopped to wonder... does he have stories like this? Would he pick up on such stories? And lastly, would he attribute the outcomes to the grace of God?
Looking at my friend's grandpa this is what I was struck with: this could have been my granddad if he had been a member.
To be honest, I have not given up entirely on the hope that he might eventually find interest and seek more earnestly after the Church but I fear it will not be in this life. I love visiting my granddad but I wish that I could hear such stories of war seen in the light of hope, faith and Christ as I saw in this grandpa. The testimony that he plainly bore in spirit, tone and even the plain words he used to express his belief was beautiful and mighty to behold.
It showed me the importance of my faith not just now but later in my life. Will my grandchildren be able to gather around me and hear of the faith and hope in my life stories through to tough times or will my testimony fall into disrepair?
With Christmas just around the corner, my heart is most quickly turned toward the "reason for the season", to quote the ol' cliche. And I want to say that I am most thankful for my belief in Jesus Christ and in His ultimate sacrifice that gives us the opportunity to live with Him and our Heavenly Father once more. I am also thankful for this belief and, yes, even knowledge especially when things such as the Connecticut shooting occur. I certainly pray for those families who have lost their little ones, for the comfort and strength to continue living. But I know that the Lord has gathered those little ones close to Him and they will experience His everlasting peace and happiness. They came here for what they needed most and will continue to grow under His eyes.
I bear this testimony to you. In the name of the Father's Begotten Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
03 December 2012
Not Much Here but the Rain
New month. I want to try a new font. Why? Because I can.
Welcome to December! How crazy is it that this year has flown by so fast? I cannot understand how time seems to slip faster and faster as I get older. Do you not remember when summer seemed forever? And counting down the days of December until Christmas was nigh unbearable?
It is scary, to be honest. This is the only life I can remember because of all that veil business before I was born and it makes my heart contract in pain to think of what will come next. I know all will be well but how does one get used to the idea of eternity? Think on it too much and your brain starts to spin and hurt and feel as though it just might have the flu.
It is crazy how much we look forward to events, taking it for granted that we will have another day to live. That we will always have time to postpone plans and adventures for some future tomorrow. It makes a person not want to miss a thing. On the other hand, if you are too worried about missing life, you end up missing it through all the worry. I guess the answer to this is all too cliche: live your life to the fullest everyday. But what is the fullest?
It probably changes from person to person much like truth or comfortable temperatures. So what does it mean to me?
I am not entirely sure but perhaps I can start answering this question little by little, starting with answering this question-- what is my idea of a perfect day?
Weather:
A nice 55-60 degrees Fahrenheit, cloudy with 85% chance of rain. Not too cold but just enough so to encourage a sweater and thick socks.
When would I wake?:
I have noticed that any day that I have woken up at 9 AM seems to end up being a good day, no matter when I went to bed the previous evening.
How would the day progress?:
Having awoken at 9 AM, I would probably pick up my scriptures, read a chapter and then move on to reading whatever other good piece of literature I had sitting beside my bed. Pulling myself out of bed in my warm pajamas, I would throw on a bathrobe for extra measure before hunting up the makings of French toast (complete with powdered sugar) and bacon, a glass of milk on the side.
After eating, I would hand wash the cooking tools, placing the plate, etc, in the dishwasher. I would gather the clothes I had picked up the morning before a take a warm shower, even taking the time to shave my legs. Seeing as on my perfect day my hair would be long again, I would brush through it and throw it into a bun. Maybe do makeup... but just maybe.
I would then make myself a cup of cocoa, wrap up in a blanket and with my lap top on my lap, I would write. I would write and write and write until I could absolutely write no more (which usually happens after 2 or so hours so I can stop to think about what should happen next), after which I would play on the piano for a refreshing time.
I suppose it would be roughly 3 PM at this point and, in an ideal time, it would be time to go to work-- from 3 PM to 8 PM. At either a restaurant or a book store.
After work, I would probably grab a bite to eat before heading over to various friend's apartments to chat amicably about how the day went and what our plans were for the weekend. We might even get a small group together to go to a Cocoa Bean Cafe for desserts after which (again in a perfect day) my love-interest of the time would suggest that we go for a walk. It would have finally started pouring encouraging us to bring an umbrella and walk arm in arm talking about everything and nothing with moments of companionable silence.
He would drop me off at my door by midnight or midnight 30, perhaps kiss my head during a hug and say he would see me the next day.
Yes. I daresay this would be my perfect day. However, if I had a day off, some of that afternoon time would be devoted to movies and naps and more visiting with friends and loved ones.
Welcome to December! How crazy is it that this year has flown by so fast? I cannot understand how time seems to slip faster and faster as I get older. Do you not remember when summer seemed forever? And counting down the days of December until Christmas was nigh unbearable?
It is scary, to be honest. This is the only life I can remember because of all that veil business before I was born and it makes my heart contract in pain to think of what will come next. I know all will be well but how does one get used to the idea of eternity? Think on it too much and your brain starts to spin and hurt and feel as though it just might have the flu.
It is crazy how much we look forward to events, taking it for granted that we will have another day to live. That we will always have time to postpone plans and adventures for some future tomorrow. It makes a person not want to miss a thing. On the other hand, if you are too worried about missing life, you end up missing it through all the worry. I guess the answer to this is all too cliche: live your life to the fullest everyday. But what is the fullest?
It probably changes from person to person much like truth or comfortable temperatures. So what does it mean to me?
I am not entirely sure but perhaps I can start answering this question little by little, starting with answering this question-- what is my idea of a perfect day?
Weather:
A nice 55-60 degrees Fahrenheit, cloudy with 85% chance of rain. Not too cold but just enough so to encourage a sweater and thick socks.
When would I wake?:
I have noticed that any day that I have woken up at 9 AM seems to end up being a good day, no matter when I went to bed the previous evening.
How would the day progress?:
Having awoken at 9 AM, I would probably pick up my scriptures, read a chapter and then move on to reading whatever other good piece of literature I had sitting beside my bed. Pulling myself out of bed in my warm pajamas, I would throw on a bathrobe for extra measure before hunting up the makings of French toast (complete with powdered sugar) and bacon, a glass of milk on the side.
After eating, I would hand wash the cooking tools, placing the plate, etc, in the dishwasher. I would gather the clothes I had picked up the morning before a take a warm shower, even taking the time to shave my legs. Seeing as on my perfect day my hair would be long again, I would brush through it and throw it into a bun. Maybe do makeup... but just maybe.
I would then make myself a cup of cocoa, wrap up in a blanket and with my lap top on my lap, I would write. I would write and write and write until I could absolutely write no more (which usually happens after 2 or so hours so I can stop to think about what should happen next), after which I would play on the piano for a refreshing time.
I suppose it would be roughly 3 PM at this point and, in an ideal time, it would be time to go to work-- from 3 PM to 8 PM. At either a restaurant or a book store.
After work, I would probably grab a bite to eat before heading over to various friend's apartments to chat amicably about how the day went and what our plans were for the weekend. We might even get a small group together to go to a Cocoa Bean Cafe for desserts after which (again in a perfect day) my love-interest of the time would suggest that we go for a walk. It would have finally started pouring encouraging us to bring an umbrella and walk arm in arm talking about everything and nothing with moments of companionable silence.
He would drop me off at my door by midnight or midnight 30, perhaps kiss my head during a hug and say he would see me the next day.
Yes. I daresay this would be my perfect day. However, if I had a day off, some of that afternoon time would be devoted to movies and naps and more visiting with friends and loved ones.
01 December 2012
10 Things
List ten things you would hope to be remembered for...
Wow. Well this has a plethora of possibilities. I will try to be realistic but it is a strange hour of the morning so I can make no promises. Haha!
1. My willingness to listen without judging. Honestly, I find it amusing how many people come and talk to me about their deep thoughts and hurts. I do not know what causes them to open up to me (which makes it hard to answer them when they ask why they would tell me when they do not normally share such things with others...) but whatever it is, I am grateful that I have it. It gives me the feeling of... purpose.
2. My writing. I am constantly working on something it would seem even though it is not always the same piece. To be completely truthful, I have at least 20 stories (if not more) floating about my computer memory and also saved on my little memory stick (I cannot as of right now remember what it is called... a jump drive?). I know people like my writing, the way I write and my ideas... it is simply a matter of sticking to the project and finishing a great work. Perhaps one of these days...
3. The good things I have said rather than the less thoughtful words that might slip from my tongue. I mean, lately there have often been times when I remember things that my parents or ecclesiastical leaders have said that have built me up or reminded me to stay on the right path. Although I might remember a few choice words that I would have wished never to have heard from my parents, they are not the first ones to cross my mind when someone asks me about my parents. Believe it or not (Mom), when this question comes up a flood of the good memories come and I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with such influence in my life that I can draw experience from for later when I may not know what else to do.
4. My hugs. I love hugs. I love to give hugs just about as much as I love to receive them. Why? Oh, it is a rather simple thing. Because I know how good I feel when someone stops to take the time to embrace me (even when I am having a good day and do not particularly NEED the uplift) I want to "spread the love" so to speak. It was rather confusing a few months back when a certain person I knew complained that my hugs were simply too much. I never really thought that one would need to change their hugs from person to person. I mean, sure, there are some people that I give more meaningful hugs to than others but I never would have thought that I would be told that my hugs were too overwhelming. Well, to each his own I suppose. But most others I hug love my hugs and I am good with that.
5. My constant smile. "Do your best not to frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile." I am not sure who said that but I remember hearing or reading it once in the eighth grade and it has stuck with me ever since. Not to say that I am always smiling for I have down days just like everyone else, but how much easier it is to smile and how much more uplifting it is when you trigger smiles in those around you! Side story-- I always found it funny in my Leadership class back in high school how, on those days when I was not displaying my usual sunny smile, my teacher would take one look at me, ask if I was okay and promptly tell me that I could take it easy that day and continue down the line of students making assignments for this or that (this also was the case whenever Maria was not in attendance but you know...). So apparently, when I smile I look healthier and of a better mood. Weird, I know. Haha! But really, I love the feeling that comes through smiling at others and getting a response that is in kind with what you have given. It simply makes the world go 'round.
6. My love of Christmas and all things pertaining to the season that surrounds the holiday. Sure, Scrooge may have made history with his "Bah, humbug!" ways but how much better would it be to be known for loving Christmas always? Not letting oneself be completely let down if the traditions that you have grown up with are not seen to, or if you did not get what you "wanted" for Christmas. To be sure, I love all the gift giving and cookie frosting and family time that usually happens around this time of year but I pray that I never lose sight of the real "reason for the season". Really. Think of it. Without Christ having been born, we would not have Christmas (or if we did, I doubt it would have quite the same spirit around it). Every one with a birthday (which of course means everyone, period) is worth celebrating and how fitting that on this one birthday of the year, that celebrates the birth of the One who came to Earth and gave it all, we would celebrate it by giving gifts to each other and not just to one person. It is an act of service, I think, and in doing such we are serving Christ if we are doing our giving in love and the Spirit of Christ(mas). I cannot express to you how much it pains me to not have enough to give to everyone I love but I know that someday, somehow I will have the means and at that time I hope to give my all, my whole heart along with those thoughts and gifts.
7. My cookies. Laugh if you will but I know that some of my favorite memories of my Grandma (my dad's mom) are of the times she would make food for my family and me. For example: when we would be in Arcata/Eureka for a Sunday, after we went to church, we would go to her's and Grandpa's home and could pretty much bank on the fact that she had made a fresh loaf of white bread on which she would put generous helpings of egg salad and cut them in half for us. It was a simple thing but the love in it is what made it so memorable. I love my Grandma and miss her. She always remembered that I did not especially like Snickers (although everyone else in the family loved them) and thus when she and Grandpa would come to visit she would bring a bag of Snickers and a bag of Milkyways. "Remember that Cassidy gets the most Milkyways," she would always say before putting the bags on the table for us to omnom on to our hearts' content (or at least until Mom drew the line). It truly broke my little 11 year old heart (if I remember the time correctly) the first time Grandpa came to visit after Grandma's passing. He brought one bag of candy and remembered that "everyone" loved Snickers. He tried so hard to fill both his own shoes and those left by Grandma that I could not turn down the offered candy making sure to eat two or three in his sight and thank him for them. (Eventually I acclimated and started to like Snickers.) I cannot wait to see them again.
8. My tender heart. I know, kind of opposite of the whole smiling thing but still. I am kind of ridiculously fragile at times. This does not always lead to tears but once my trust is broken or my good thoughts of a person are marred it is kind of hard to get back on good terms with me simply because I do not like to be hurt by the same person more than once (seeing as being hurt once is once too many). But of all my weaknesses, this would be the one I would not be so ashamed of people remembering.
9. My family. Why? Because, I would like to think that by the end of my days I would still have a good relationship with all my loved ones and have people know how much I love them and the reasons that I love them aside from their being the closest people to me.
10. My testimony.
Wow. Well this has a plethora of possibilities. I will try to be realistic but it is a strange hour of the morning so I can make no promises. Haha!
1. My willingness to listen without judging. Honestly, I find it amusing how many people come and talk to me about their deep thoughts and hurts. I do not know what causes them to open up to me (which makes it hard to answer them when they ask why they would tell me when they do not normally share such things with others...) but whatever it is, I am grateful that I have it. It gives me the feeling of... purpose.
2. My writing. I am constantly working on something it would seem even though it is not always the same piece. To be completely truthful, I have at least 20 stories (if not more) floating about my computer memory and also saved on my little memory stick (I cannot as of right now remember what it is called... a jump drive?). I know people like my writing, the way I write and my ideas... it is simply a matter of sticking to the project and finishing a great work. Perhaps one of these days...
3. The good things I have said rather than the less thoughtful words that might slip from my tongue. I mean, lately there have often been times when I remember things that my parents or ecclesiastical leaders have said that have built me up or reminded me to stay on the right path. Although I might remember a few choice words that I would have wished never to have heard from my parents, they are not the first ones to cross my mind when someone asks me about my parents. Believe it or not (Mom), when this question comes up a flood of the good memories come and I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with such influence in my life that I can draw experience from for later when I may not know what else to do.
4. My hugs. I love hugs. I love to give hugs just about as much as I love to receive them. Why? Oh, it is a rather simple thing. Because I know how good I feel when someone stops to take the time to embrace me (even when I am having a good day and do not particularly NEED the uplift) I want to "spread the love" so to speak. It was rather confusing a few months back when a certain person I knew complained that my hugs were simply too much. I never really thought that one would need to change their hugs from person to person. I mean, sure, there are some people that I give more meaningful hugs to than others but I never would have thought that I would be told that my hugs were too overwhelming. Well, to each his own I suppose. But most others I hug love my hugs and I am good with that.
5. My constant smile. "Do your best not to frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile." I am not sure who said that but I remember hearing or reading it once in the eighth grade and it has stuck with me ever since. Not to say that I am always smiling for I have down days just like everyone else, but how much easier it is to smile and how much more uplifting it is when you trigger smiles in those around you! Side story-- I always found it funny in my Leadership class back in high school how, on those days when I was not displaying my usual sunny smile, my teacher would take one look at me, ask if I was okay and promptly tell me that I could take it easy that day and continue down the line of students making assignments for this or that (this also was the case whenever Maria was not in attendance but you know...). So apparently, when I smile I look healthier and of a better mood. Weird, I know. Haha! But really, I love the feeling that comes through smiling at others and getting a response that is in kind with what you have given. It simply makes the world go 'round.
6. My love of Christmas and all things pertaining to the season that surrounds the holiday. Sure, Scrooge may have made history with his "Bah, humbug!" ways but how much better would it be to be known for loving Christmas always? Not letting oneself be completely let down if the traditions that you have grown up with are not seen to, or if you did not get what you "wanted" for Christmas. To be sure, I love all the gift giving and cookie frosting and family time that usually happens around this time of year but I pray that I never lose sight of the real "reason for the season". Really. Think of it. Without Christ having been born, we would not have Christmas (or if we did, I doubt it would have quite the same spirit around it). Every one with a birthday (which of course means everyone, period) is worth celebrating and how fitting that on this one birthday of the year, that celebrates the birth of the One who came to Earth and gave it all, we would celebrate it by giving gifts to each other and not just to one person. It is an act of service, I think, and in doing such we are serving Christ if we are doing our giving in love and the Spirit of Christ(mas). I cannot express to you how much it pains me to not have enough to give to everyone I love but I know that someday, somehow I will have the means and at that time I hope to give my all, my whole heart along with those thoughts and gifts.
7. My cookies. Laugh if you will but I know that some of my favorite memories of my Grandma (my dad's mom) are of the times she would make food for my family and me. For example: when we would be in Arcata/Eureka for a Sunday, after we went to church, we would go to her's and Grandpa's home and could pretty much bank on the fact that she had made a fresh loaf of white bread on which she would put generous helpings of egg salad and cut them in half for us. It was a simple thing but the love in it is what made it so memorable. I love my Grandma and miss her. She always remembered that I did not especially like Snickers (although everyone else in the family loved them) and thus when she and Grandpa would come to visit she would bring a bag of Snickers and a bag of Milkyways. "Remember that Cassidy gets the most Milkyways," she would always say before putting the bags on the table for us to omnom on to our hearts' content (or at least until Mom drew the line). It truly broke my little 11 year old heart (if I remember the time correctly) the first time Grandpa came to visit after Grandma's passing. He brought one bag of candy and remembered that "everyone" loved Snickers. He tried so hard to fill both his own shoes and those left by Grandma that I could not turn down the offered candy making sure to eat two or three in his sight and thank him for them. (Eventually I acclimated and started to like Snickers.) I cannot wait to see them again.
8. My tender heart. I know, kind of opposite of the whole smiling thing but still. I am kind of ridiculously fragile at times. This does not always lead to tears but once my trust is broken or my good thoughts of a person are marred it is kind of hard to get back on good terms with me simply because I do not like to be hurt by the same person more than once (seeing as being hurt once is once too many). But of all my weaknesses, this would be the one I would not be so ashamed of people remembering.
9. My family. Why? Because, I would like to think that by the end of my days I would still have a good relationship with all my loved ones and have people know how much I love them and the reasons that I love them aside from their being the closest people to me.
10. My testimony.
30 November 2012
Oh Ho Ho!
It is quite something when you realize that, although you do not write everyday in your blog, that simply because you have a set of questions to answer the posts come along more quickly and willingly than when you simply sit down to write what is immediately going on in your life. Or at least that is how it is for me.
I never thought that I would grow up to be such a private person as far as my life goes. I mean, some days it feels like I am telling the whole world my problems but then I sit back and reassess things and realize that there are certain people I tell certain things to and that is that. Believe it or not, my desire to ASK has grown quite a lot and my desire to TALK has decreased (although I cannot say it has quite diminished for I do like to have my share of the conversation [thought of Pride and Prejudice just now...]).
Sure, I probably do not ask all the questions that most people would expect me to when I first meet people (my mom was always curious as to why I did not know how many siblings my friends had or what their parents did for a living, et cetera... it aggravated her sometimes, haha) but I often have to restrain myself from positively peppering them. Then, of course, there are those few who seem to keep my conversational ball rolling and I simply cannot suppress the tide of ideas and opinions I want to convey.
Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent, lets make an acute turn to the topic of the day.
What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
My reasoning.
Although, this is probably true among everyone. The way I come about establishing my conclusions and opinions on various subjects is a very... vexing matter. Even to me and I have to live with myself. I say this because it is not simply my head telling me what to do but my heart and, yes, even my gut feelings. The choices I make are not always easy to explain and most often than not I would rather keep my decision making process to myself. Perhaps this is so that others cannot find fault in me and tell me how I should "look at it" or whatever you want to call it.
I know at times it is important to let people in on what you are thinking and I really do try now and again to let them in. But often, if I want your opinion on a subject or situation, I will ask for it. I understand that this is not always the most comfortable or ideal situation for those around me but I am my own person and am prone to be weak and make mistakes.
I am grateful when people see me struggle and put their two cents in and I often take the advice and use it where I deem applicable but there are those times when I feel that I have made the right choice and I will fight for it.
Sure this may come off as prideful at times but I figure if that is truly the case, God will hedge up the way somewhere so that I can see the error of my ways and try again and work on things properly, being always mindful of His will and wishes for me.
But aside from my reasoning...
My heart.
I remember my mom once saying how thankful she was to certain persons being in my life and bracing me up, protecting me from those who would hurt me because my random moments of tenderheartedness. (Wow, that is a long word.)
I am one of those people who, if I find someone I want to love, gives their all into making it work. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the man who can handle that much devotion (haha) but I figure whoever it is will have a great capacity to receive love just as I have a great capacity to give love.
Some see me as naive for being so willing to love people and at times I would have to agree with them because there have been a good handful of times when it just has not worked out for one reason or another and I am left heartbroken afterward until I pull myself together and remind myself that it is simply another bend in the road of life and one day there will be no more corners in certain aspects of my life.
My favorite love song of all time would have to be as follows:
When I fall in love, it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart, it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment that I see that
You feel that way too
Is when I'll fall in love with you
So here is to you, young lovers, wherever you are. Do not give up hope. All things will work out in the end if you are willing to take the risk.
I never thought that I would grow up to be such a private person as far as my life goes. I mean, some days it feels like I am telling the whole world my problems but then I sit back and reassess things and realize that there are certain people I tell certain things to and that is that. Believe it or not, my desire to ASK has grown quite a lot and my desire to TALK has decreased (although I cannot say it has quite diminished for I do like to have my share of the conversation [thought of Pride and Prejudice just now...]).
Sure, I probably do not ask all the questions that most people would expect me to when I first meet people (my mom was always curious as to why I did not know how many siblings my friends had or what their parents did for a living, et cetera... it aggravated her sometimes, haha) but I often have to restrain myself from positively peppering them. Then, of course, there are those few who seem to keep my conversational ball rolling and I simply cannot suppress the tide of ideas and opinions I want to convey.
Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent, lets make an acute turn to the topic of the day.
What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
My reasoning.
Although, this is probably true among everyone. The way I come about establishing my conclusions and opinions on various subjects is a very... vexing matter. Even to me and I have to live with myself. I say this because it is not simply my head telling me what to do but my heart and, yes, even my gut feelings. The choices I make are not always easy to explain and most often than not I would rather keep my decision making process to myself. Perhaps this is so that others cannot find fault in me and tell me how I should "look at it" or whatever you want to call it.
I know at times it is important to let people in on what you are thinking and I really do try now and again to let them in. But often, if I want your opinion on a subject or situation, I will ask for it. I understand that this is not always the most comfortable or ideal situation for those around me but I am my own person and am prone to be weak and make mistakes.
I am grateful when people see me struggle and put their two cents in and I often take the advice and use it where I deem applicable but there are those times when I feel that I have made the right choice and I will fight for it.
Sure this may come off as prideful at times but I figure if that is truly the case, God will hedge up the way somewhere so that I can see the error of my ways and try again and work on things properly, being always mindful of His will and wishes for me.
But aside from my reasoning...
My heart.
I remember my mom once saying how thankful she was to certain persons being in my life and bracing me up, protecting me from those who would hurt me because my random moments of tenderheartedness. (Wow, that is a long word.)
I am one of those people who, if I find someone I want to love, gives their all into making it work. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the man who can handle that much devotion (haha) but I figure whoever it is will have a great capacity to receive love just as I have a great capacity to give love.
Some see me as naive for being so willing to love people and at times I would have to agree with them because there have been a good handful of times when it just has not worked out for one reason or another and I am left heartbroken afterward until I pull myself together and remind myself that it is simply another bend in the road of life and one day there will be no more corners in certain aspects of my life.
My favorite love song of all time would have to be as follows:
When I fall in love, it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart, it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment that I see that
You feel that way too
Is when I'll fall in love with you
So here is to you, young lovers, wherever you are. Do not give up hope. All things will work out in the end if you are willing to take the risk.
28 November 2012
Of Love and Christmas
What is your love language?
So, yes, I decided that I would actually go to Google and looked up the actual Love Language Profile quiz so that I could see where I am currently. My results are as follows:
11 Quality Time
6 Physical Touch
5 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
As I read the preview description, I read that 12 is the highest score you can get on any one of the love languages so to find that I had an 11 was actually pretty exciting to me. I really encourage anyone to go and take the quiz just because it is so interesting.
Anyway, back to my personal love language-- Quality Time. This is the site's description:
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
I cannot believe how accurate this is in describing me! In all of my experiences with relationships (romantic and not), I have always been surprised and sometimes truly hurt when a person says that they cannot give me what I need. When asked to elaborate, no one really cares to and it makes me wonder if it is the way I act. I am a rather touchy feely person (although, just so you know, in the description of Physical Touch as a love language these people aren't necessarily touchy) and welcome hugs from just about anyone. (Except for in acting class... I have no idea why, but it bothers me for people to touch me while I am acting... perhaps because there is a committed audience...?)
In other words, when I enjoy a person's company or their personality, I tend to show them and I suppose for some people this might translate into something they personally cannot handle more of-- perhaps because they are inexperienced/never been kissed or are simply not comfortable with touch.
But I must admit that whenever someone tells me upfront that they cannot give what I apparently "need" I always follow it up with this, "It really doesn't take that much to make me happy. Just a little time in your day, even if it's just 5 minutes where you talk to me and actually pay attention..."
You would not believe what a difference this makes!
On a side note, about two years ago now, I was talking with my Aunt Rene and was taken off guard when, after she had asked a question, she would look at me directly and really make a concentrated effort to listen to my answer. At first, I was a little uncomfortable under the assessing gaze but stopping to think about it, I realized I really appreciated and loved that undivided attention. (I have even taken to the habit in my conversations with others.)
I love spending time with people one on one because it helps me get a feel for who they really are. I mean, it is great to see them in group situations as well, but there are some questions that really pique my curiosity that are better asked when only the two of you are listening to the answer. When I ask questions, I try to ask them in such a way that the answerer won't feel pressured into answering them. Why? Because there are some questions I, too, wish I didn't have to answer either because it is a private thing or I simply do not know the answer. But I do love answering questions. I ask hoping that they will reciprocate and ask me to answer their curiosities as they have answered mine.
Sometime last week, I actually had a date planned. I cannot tell you how excited I was and how much I looked forward to it. Even after I was told that the boy just wanted to be friends, I figured we would still go with simply the intent of becoming better friends. Quite frankly, the absolute cancelling of a date is incredibly damaging to my spirits. It is one thing to postpone it because at least then, the anticipation I had for the first planning can only become bigger and more glowing for when the date finally comes.
But no. This was cancelled. No words of, "maybe next week" accompanied his half apology. What was worse? The fact that although he said he would be willing to talk it out, he had already made up his mind and it would have been a waste of my time because he had no intention of listening to me.
When someone simply flat out decides not to listen to me... it makes me wonder what kind of person they were to begin with. Did they really like me? Or did they simply like the idea?
Anyway, the point here is this: if you want to show your love for me, take some time out of your day (or perhaps for those truly busy people, your week) to spend some one on one time with me. No distractions. Listen. And I will put a plug in here according to my personal preference, talk to me. I want to hear about you! How things are going. For those I don't know well, your likes and dislikes. If I reach out to you in any way it is because I want to know you, talk to you, see you. I never reach out to people at random in hopes that you will pass just a few minutes with me.
Take the quiz yourself and tell me what your love language is so that I can properly speak to you.
On a completely different note (but then somehow relatable, I am sure)-- November is almost over and dovetailing into December. To be honest, I am just like a kid at this time of year. I think about all the things that I want/need and compile a list so that anyone who wants to can give me a gift to basically convey the love they had for me throughout the year.
However, I also cannot wait for the day when I can truly reciprocate to my loved ones. It kills me, being out here on my own but not having enough to buy and send Christmas presents to my family and closest friends.
This year, however, it isn't really a list of wants but rather needs. Yes, there will be some articles of clothing asked for but believe you me, it is because other articles are being worn out, etc. But here it is. A look into my life according to what I would be most thankful to receive this year if I am to receive anything.
1. Money. Why? Groceries and other things like medicine that need to be purchased at the grocery store.
2. Pants. Why? Incredibly, although I am not growing, pants don't last forever and tend to wear where they cannot be fixed. (Last time I checked, I am size 10 in Juniors... however I have lost a little weight lately so I may go try on some of the usual pants I get to see if I am still a 10.)
3. Zip-up hoodie in neutral color (either black, grey or white). Why? As much as I love my hot pink pullover hoodie... it doesn't match everything if you understand me.
4. Layering tank tops. Why? Just like pants, I may not be growing, but they get worn out. Medium.
5. Words of encouragement. Why? It's kind of tough out here.
That is really it for my needs. A small want would be make-up--specifically brown eye-liner but hey, I can get by with black if I need to.
Yep. That is it.
I love you for reading this and taking a personal interest in the goings on in my life and mind. Thank you.
So, yes, I decided that I would actually go to Google and looked up the actual Love Language Profile quiz so that I could see where I am currently. My results are as follows:
11 Quality Time
6 Physical Touch
5 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
As I read the preview description, I read that 12 is the highest score you can get on any one of the love languages so to find that I had an 11 was actually pretty exciting to me. I really encourage anyone to go and take the quiz just because it is so interesting.
Anyway, back to my personal love language-- Quality Time. This is the site's description:
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
I cannot believe how accurate this is in describing me! In all of my experiences with relationships (romantic and not), I have always been surprised and sometimes truly hurt when a person says that they cannot give me what I need. When asked to elaborate, no one really cares to and it makes me wonder if it is the way I act. I am a rather touchy feely person (although, just so you know, in the description of Physical Touch as a love language these people aren't necessarily touchy) and welcome hugs from just about anyone. (Except for in acting class... I have no idea why, but it bothers me for people to touch me while I am acting... perhaps because there is a committed audience...?)
In other words, when I enjoy a person's company or their personality, I tend to show them and I suppose for some people this might translate into something they personally cannot handle more of-- perhaps because they are inexperienced/never been kissed or are simply not comfortable with touch.
But I must admit that whenever someone tells me upfront that they cannot give what I apparently "need" I always follow it up with this, "It really doesn't take that much to make me happy. Just a little time in your day, even if it's just 5 minutes where you talk to me and actually pay attention..."
You would not believe what a difference this makes!
On a side note, about two years ago now, I was talking with my Aunt Rene and was taken off guard when, after she had asked a question, she would look at me directly and really make a concentrated effort to listen to my answer. At first, I was a little uncomfortable under the assessing gaze but stopping to think about it, I realized I really appreciated and loved that undivided attention. (I have even taken to the habit in my conversations with others.)
I love spending time with people one on one because it helps me get a feel for who they really are. I mean, it is great to see them in group situations as well, but there are some questions that really pique my curiosity that are better asked when only the two of you are listening to the answer. When I ask questions, I try to ask them in such a way that the answerer won't feel pressured into answering them. Why? Because there are some questions I, too, wish I didn't have to answer either because it is a private thing or I simply do not know the answer. But I do love answering questions. I ask hoping that they will reciprocate and ask me to answer their curiosities as they have answered mine.
Sometime last week, I actually had a date planned. I cannot tell you how excited I was and how much I looked forward to it. Even after I was told that the boy just wanted to be friends, I figured we would still go with simply the intent of becoming better friends. Quite frankly, the absolute cancelling of a date is incredibly damaging to my spirits. It is one thing to postpone it because at least then, the anticipation I had for the first planning can only become bigger and more glowing for when the date finally comes.
But no. This was cancelled. No words of, "maybe next week" accompanied his half apology. What was worse? The fact that although he said he would be willing to talk it out, he had already made up his mind and it would have been a waste of my time because he had no intention of listening to me.
When someone simply flat out decides not to listen to me... it makes me wonder what kind of person they were to begin with. Did they really like me? Or did they simply like the idea?
Anyway, the point here is this: if you want to show your love for me, take some time out of your day (or perhaps for those truly busy people, your week) to spend some one on one time with me. No distractions. Listen. And I will put a plug in here according to my personal preference, talk to me. I want to hear about you! How things are going. For those I don't know well, your likes and dislikes. If I reach out to you in any way it is because I want to know you, talk to you, see you. I never reach out to people at random in hopes that you will pass just a few minutes with me.
Take the quiz yourself and tell me what your love language is so that I can properly speak to you.
On a completely different note (but then somehow relatable, I am sure)-- November is almost over and dovetailing into December. To be honest, I am just like a kid at this time of year. I think about all the things that I want/need and compile a list so that anyone who wants to can give me a gift to basically convey the love they had for me throughout the year.
However, I also cannot wait for the day when I can truly reciprocate to my loved ones. It kills me, being out here on my own but not having enough to buy and send Christmas presents to my family and closest friends.
This year, however, it isn't really a list of wants but rather needs. Yes, there will be some articles of clothing asked for but believe you me, it is because other articles are being worn out, etc. But here it is. A look into my life according to what I would be most thankful to receive this year if I am to receive anything.
1. Money. Why? Groceries and other things like medicine that need to be purchased at the grocery store.
2. Pants. Why? Incredibly, although I am not growing, pants don't last forever and tend to wear where they cannot be fixed. (Last time I checked, I am size 10 in Juniors... however I have lost a little weight lately so I may go try on some of the usual pants I get to see if I am still a 10.)
3. Zip-up hoodie in neutral color (either black, grey or white). Why? As much as I love my hot pink pullover hoodie... it doesn't match everything if you understand me.
4. Layering tank tops. Why? Just like pants, I may not be growing, but they get worn out. Medium.
5. Words of encouragement. Why? It's kind of tough out here.
That is really it for my needs. A small want would be make-up--specifically brown eye-liner but hey, I can get by with black if I need to.
Yep. That is it.
I love you for reading this and taking a personal interest in the goings on in my life and mind. Thank you.
26 November 2012
Of Bodies and Gratitude
What is your favorite part of your body and why?
I am going to cheat on this question and name a couple of my favorite parts.
My feet. Jumping, dancing, strolling along the street. Especially dancing. I find such joy in dancing, grace somehow finds me and there are just so many things you can convey with the movement. I can dance with a partner or I can dance alone. I don't think I will ever be able to fully express my love of dance in the written word.
My hands. Without which I wouldn't be able to play the piano, I wouldn't be able to write, I wouldn't be able to hold the hands of those I love. They are also one of the pieces of me that came from my mom. The same long and slightly crooked fingers, my hands have character without being a hindrance to those things I love to do.
My eyes. I am thankful the Lord gave me a working pair. I get to experience the blessing of seeing the world in all of its color and majesty-- from the intricate workings of trees and their leaves to the colorful symmetry of a butterfly's wings. Although there are many bad sights in this world there is so much more beauty to outweigh it from nature to the smiles on the faces of people passing by. "Friends shaking hands, saying, 'How do you do?' They're really saying, 'I love you.'" I love that I can see these things and also the reaction that others have when I smile at them unexpectedly. Plus, a good friend once described my brown eyes as golden with a hint of green, like a summer day. It was rather poetic and I will never forget it.
That aside--- my lips that I can work into a smile to show that I am well pleased with the body I have. It may not be perfect, but it's exactly what I need to live this life and my loving Father is the one who gave it to me.
I am going to cheat on this question and name a couple of my favorite parts.
My feet. Jumping, dancing, strolling along the street. Especially dancing. I find such joy in dancing, grace somehow finds me and there are just so many things you can convey with the movement. I can dance with a partner or I can dance alone. I don't think I will ever be able to fully express my love of dance in the written word.
My hands. Without which I wouldn't be able to play the piano, I wouldn't be able to write, I wouldn't be able to hold the hands of those I love. They are also one of the pieces of me that came from my mom. The same long and slightly crooked fingers, my hands have character without being a hindrance to those things I love to do.
My eyes. I am thankful the Lord gave me a working pair. I get to experience the blessing of seeing the world in all of its color and majesty-- from the intricate workings of trees and their leaves to the colorful symmetry of a butterfly's wings. Although there are many bad sights in this world there is so much more beauty to outweigh it from nature to the smiles on the faces of people passing by. "Friends shaking hands, saying, 'How do you do?' They're really saying, 'I love you.'" I love that I can see these things and also the reaction that others have when I smile at them unexpectedly. Plus, a good friend once described my brown eyes as golden with a hint of green, like a summer day. It was rather poetic and I will never forget it.
That aside--- my lips that I can work into a smile to show that I am well pleased with the body I have. It may not be perfect, but it's exactly what I need to live this life and my loving Father is the one who gave it to me.
20 November 2012
Patience, Airplanes and Notions
"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Oh, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, I dearly hope you are right. I mean, sure, I have experienced such a fruit from the bitterest of patience but is it always true? I suppose it probably is although we can never be sure what seed we have sewn until it grows and produces the fruit-- for both apples and pears are sweet.
So what has called my attention to patience? Oh, just about everything that goes on in my life, to be honest. From school to work, from my calling to my more personal relationships... I cannot help but feel that more oftener than not, each of these are up in the air simultaneously and I have to find the best possible way and order in which to catch them lest the heaviest fall faster than I anticipate and thus miss the mark.
I am finding, however, that more and more people seem to be excelling at this virtue especially in regards to me. It warms me from within when someone takes the time to talk things out with me regarding one thing or another so that I might do better in my service and can also understand the direction in which they are traveling and have invited me to partake in.
I have been told to work on my patience and work I have although some may not see the fruits of my labors. Trust me, they are great and I am glad to see where I have come from and who I have the gumption and possibility of being in the end.
Now that I have had my rant, this weekend was a tad long but worth it. One of my best friends got married to the man of her dreams and I am glad to see what life has in store for them. I also had the chance to catch up with an old high school friend of mine and share in some news that was a long time coming.
Someone was definitely looking out for me when as I was attempting to get through airport security that I had remembered to pack my student ID (though, since I would not be working, I had no expected use for it). Turns out that this time they actually caught and told me that my license had expired earlier on this year. The first time going through... oooh the lady was mean. I felt so very, very small as she explained to my "simpleton" self that it was a big problem. I was prompted to ask if my college student ID would do... it did and, after sternly and coldly telling me I ought to get an updated ID, she let me through.
The guy on the way back smiled kindly when I asked if my student ID would help and he told me it was good of me to have both for without both he would not have been able to let me on but again reminded me that I should probably take care of it as soon as I could.
So yes... I need to get to the DMV even if I have to ride the wild bus.
Aside from that little... glitch... it went quite well and I feel that it was just what I needed before plunging into the coming Utah winter. Do not misunderstand, I am still not looking forward to all the snow and cold ahead of me but it will be a little more bearable since I got a small break from the bubble, if you will.
Now onto the question that I do not feel like answering, in all honesty, but will anyway-- What popular notion do you think the world has the most wrong?
That "we were born this way" or in other words "God made me this way on purpose". It may work for some things (aka actual mental or physical disorders) but I disagree when it comes to same gender attraction. Now I am not saying that there isn't a predisposition in some of us to lean more toward our gender rather than the opposite, but it is a choice whether you act on it or not.
Some people have a tendency to obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, and other addictions but it all depends on your choice. Now, beyond the choice you make, that is your own agency working for you and I hope it makes you happy in some way, but it is not something you "just are". It is either something you are willing to fight against or something that you give into because it is simply easier that way.
I do have gay friends, I will admit, but I do believe it is their choice out of their predisposition. Because I have heard and seen those who have chosen to fight against it and find their own happiness either on their own or with a spouse of the opposite gender and a family of their own.
A few heavy thoughts and word, I realize, but I am not ashamed of what I have said.
Oh, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, I dearly hope you are right. I mean, sure, I have experienced such a fruit from the bitterest of patience but is it always true? I suppose it probably is although we can never be sure what seed we have sewn until it grows and produces the fruit-- for both apples and pears are sweet.
So what has called my attention to patience? Oh, just about everything that goes on in my life, to be honest. From school to work, from my calling to my more personal relationships... I cannot help but feel that more oftener than not, each of these are up in the air simultaneously and I have to find the best possible way and order in which to catch them lest the heaviest fall faster than I anticipate and thus miss the mark.
I am finding, however, that more and more people seem to be excelling at this virtue especially in regards to me. It warms me from within when someone takes the time to talk things out with me regarding one thing or another so that I might do better in my service and can also understand the direction in which they are traveling and have invited me to partake in.
I have been told to work on my patience and work I have although some may not see the fruits of my labors. Trust me, they are great and I am glad to see where I have come from and who I have the gumption and possibility of being in the end.
Now that I have had my rant, this weekend was a tad long but worth it. One of my best friends got married to the man of her dreams and I am glad to see what life has in store for them. I also had the chance to catch up with an old high school friend of mine and share in some news that was a long time coming.
Someone was definitely looking out for me when as I was attempting to get through airport security that I had remembered to pack my student ID (though, since I would not be working, I had no expected use for it). Turns out that this time they actually caught and told me that my license had expired earlier on this year. The first time going through... oooh the lady was mean. I felt so very, very small as she explained to my "simpleton" self that it was a big problem. I was prompted to ask if my college student ID would do... it did and, after sternly and coldly telling me I ought to get an updated ID, she let me through.
The guy on the way back smiled kindly when I asked if my student ID would help and he told me it was good of me to have both for without both he would not have been able to let me on but again reminded me that I should probably take care of it as soon as I could.
So yes... I need to get to the DMV even if I have to ride the wild bus.
Aside from that little... glitch... it went quite well and I feel that it was just what I needed before plunging into the coming Utah winter. Do not misunderstand, I am still not looking forward to all the snow and cold ahead of me but it will be a little more bearable since I got a small break from the bubble, if you will.
Now onto the question that I do not feel like answering, in all honesty, but will anyway-- What popular notion do you think the world has the most wrong?
That "we were born this way" or in other words "God made me this way on purpose". It may work for some things (aka actual mental or physical disorders) but I disagree when it comes to same gender attraction. Now I am not saying that there isn't a predisposition in some of us to lean more toward our gender rather than the opposite, but it is a choice whether you act on it or not.
Some people have a tendency to obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, and other addictions but it all depends on your choice. Now, beyond the choice you make, that is your own agency working for you and I hope it makes you happy in some way, but it is not something you "just are". It is either something you are willing to fight against or something that you give into because it is simply easier that way.
I do have gay friends, I will admit, but I do believe it is their choice out of their predisposition. Because I have heard and seen those who have chosen to fight against it and find their own happiness either on their own or with a spouse of the opposite gender and a family of their own.
A few heavy thoughts and word, I realize, but I am not ashamed of what I have said.
15 November 2012
Weddings, Corgis and Dancing
I am totally excited for this weekend! One of my best friends of all my life time is getting married on Friday (tomorrow) to her best male friend. Plus it will be nice to get out of the Utah bubble for a few days before the holidays hit and I am socked in with snow. I love having things to look forward to and so I am glad to know I have a date to look forward to when I get back to Provo... it makes the coming back a whole lot more bearable, don't you think?
However he didn't tell me what we would be doing because it is to be a surprise... good thing I like surprises.
Speaking of weddings and such of loved ones, my parents are celebrating their anniversary this weekend (my friend is getting married on their actual anniversary, which is cute, I think... not planned of course. I would have planned it that way personally... haha!) 27 years of marriage! Congratulations to my parents! I never realized that they didn't have my brother until about 2 years after they got married but hey, you learn something new everyday!
Their song is I Can't Help Falling in Love With You by the one and only Elvis Presley. Great song, if you ask me. Pandora has played it for me at least 15 times in the last two days. It must be a sign... of what, I have no idea!
Curses... I was going to write something here but I checked my facebook for a second and totally lost it... must have been a lie, as my mother always says. Oh yeah! (Yes, I did just sit here for 5 minutes hoping I would remember...) School is almost out! I cannot believe how quickly this semester has flown by! When I get back there will only be about 15 days of school left until our (strangely long) three week winter holidays. And I just checked... out of those 15 days... I only have three days of instruction left. How on earth can that be? I have no idea. It just feels like there is so much more that I can get out of this class but it's already ending before it began.
(Random note: if ever I get a dog, I want a corgi. No joke. They are the cutest dogs!)
I suppose I should get to the question of the day, no? Seeing as I'll be leaving for the airport in about an hour and a half.
So here it is---
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
I find it funny how it asks what we would eat! Not why we would want to eat with them. So, not having to explain myself...
I would want to have dinner with Jane Austen.
And we wouldn't just eat the food of those days (which from what I have seen is much like that of today... maybe a little less seasoned...?) but we would got to one of those town dances she was always writing about. What witty banter we might come up with regarding the couples or the size of the room, or those strange but attractive gentlemen in the corner.
That is about it! I cannot imagine my having enough time on the computer between now and Monday to write again so... until Monday (perhaps Tuesday). Have a splendiforous weekend and be safe!
Ciao :}
However he didn't tell me what we would be doing because it is to be a surprise... good thing I like surprises.
Speaking of weddings and such of loved ones, my parents are celebrating their anniversary this weekend (my friend is getting married on their actual anniversary, which is cute, I think... not planned of course. I would have planned it that way personally... haha!) 27 years of marriage! Congratulations to my parents! I never realized that they didn't have my brother until about 2 years after they got married but hey, you learn something new everyday!
Their song is I Can't Help Falling in Love With You by the one and only Elvis Presley. Great song, if you ask me. Pandora has played it for me at least 15 times in the last two days. It must be a sign... of what, I have no idea!
Curses... I was going to write something here but I checked my facebook for a second and totally lost it... must have been a lie, as my mother always says. Oh yeah! (Yes, I did just sit here for 5 minutes hoping I would remember...) School is almost out! I cannot believe how quickly this semester has flown by! When I get back there will only be about 15 days of school left until our (strangely long) three week winter holidays. And I just checked... out of those 15 days... I only have three days of instruction left. How on earth can that be? I have no idea. It just feels like there is so much more that I can get out of this class but it's already ending before it began.
(Random note: if ever I get a dog, I want a corgi. No joke. They are the cutest dogs!)
I suppose I should get to the question of the day, no? Seeing as I'll be leaving for the airport in about an hour and a half.
So here it is---
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
I find it funny how it asks what we would eat! Not why we would want to eat with them. So, not having to explain myself...
I would want to have dinner with Jane Austen.
And we wouldn't just eat the food of those days (which from what I have seen is much like that of today... maybe a little less seasoned...?) but we would got to one of those town dances she was always writing about. What witty banter we might come up with regarding the couples or the size of the room, or those strange but attractive gentlemen in the corner.
That is about it! I cannot imagine my having enough time on the computer between now and Monday to write again so... until Monday (perhaps Tuesday). Have a splendiforous weekend and be safe!
Ciao :}
12 November 2012
Finally...
Okay. I am finally returning to the 30 Things questions and with a quick peek back at the original blog post... we are on number 24 (almost wrote "numero" for some reason...) which reads like this:
Describe your family dynamic of your childhood versus your family dynamic now.
This is a rather strange one in my opinion seeing as I don't consciously think about what my family dynamic is on a regular basis.
But I suppose thinking about my childhood days, I was more likely to communicate clearly with my parents rather than my siblings. Of course, my clarity is rather relative for, to be honest, no one would be aware I was stressed about this thing or another until it was "too late" and I had a mental break down. However, when I needed advice I would, nine times out of ten, go directly to Mom. If I needed comforting without words I would go to Dad. If I wanted to be a pest, I would seek out my siblings--most often my older brother.
I am sure that my dynamic with Jerry was probably one of the most confusing, bi-polar relationships this world has ever seen. (Okay... maybe I exaggerate but moving on...) During the day, we were often mortal enemies, both the antagonist and protagonist in our turns. Cats vs dogs. Utah vs BYU. Sweet vs Sour! Maybe not that last one... but you get the picture right? Very square peg, very round hole as it were.
However, the moment you would turn off the lights I would often go and sleep on the floor in his room or, in later years, switch beds with Tommy and we would talk and talk and talk... we would talk, I suppose, very much like we did when we were young and sleeping in a bunk bed, Mikkaila just born and Tommy on the way. I don't know when it changed to a moonlight serenade, but it did and we were very akin to crickets and cicadas. I remember we would rationalize that if we stayed up until midnight on a Sunday then it would be Monday morning... in other words, it would be okay to play the Nintendo (or whatever version thereof that we had at that time).
Christmas Eve, we would often gather all 5 of us together into one room (something which we did almost three years ago now, this time joined by Sarah, my sister-in-law) and sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, after Santa had come of course, Jerry would be the first to wake and sneak to the stockings and he would inevitably wake me up so I could share his joy of the loot and encourage me to also look through my stocking.
Now, although we do not talk often, we talk about important things and calmly so... unless he cannot stand it any longer and throws a jab my way that I parry... like we did when we were teenagers but thankfully it doesn't seem to get as full blown now as it did then. Weird what growing up will do to you.
My three younger siblings in my earlier days were often cute to me but usually just a nuisance. I am sure I felt they were some type of squatter, coming in to steal my land. It is rather interesting to think of now because now there is nothing I would like better than to be in the same house (or, less drastic measures, the same town) as them so I could watch them grow up and mature.
We definitely get cuddlier as we grow older (although Tommy hasn't changed much at all in that regard... we're simply finally catching up with his loving nature and Mikkaila seems to be clinging to the standoff-ish but soon... very soon). I love when I go home and there is a race to see who can hug me first. But I daresay, Alex hugs me the most when I am home, often just sitting beside me with her arms about me (and of course I reciprocate or that would be just unnecessarily mean and awkward...) and I am thankful for it.
As a whole, I was close to my family then and I am close to my family now. The dynamic and direction of the closeness may have changed over the years (especially now that I am not physically close to them although my physical appearance continues to be) but it will forever be true, I believe, that we are close and love one another very much... even if we don't communicate it well or as clearly or properly as we would like.
Now that I have written a lengthy description as per the question's wishes, I see what an interesting query this is. I would love to see it from the perception of my parents or even any of my siblings (for some reason, especially Alex... maybe because I'm toward the top of the "food chain" whilst she sits at the bottom).
Lastly... I realize that my dynamic as a big sister hasn't really ever changed. I'm sure in some things I am still looked to as an example (whether that be good or bad is probably varied) but I will always be Mom and Dad's first baby girl. And you know what? I am okay with that.
Describe your family dynamic of your childhood versus your family dynamic now.
This is a rather strange one in my opinion seeing as I don't consciously think about what my family dynamic is on a regular basis.
But I suppose thinking about my childhood days, I was more likely to communicate clearly with my parents rather than my siblings. Of course, my clarity is rather relative for, to be honest, no one would be aware I was stressed about this thing or another until it was "too late" and I had a mental break down. However, when I needed advice I would, nine times out of ten, go directly to Mom. If I needed comforting without words I would go to Dad. If I wanted to be a pest, I would seek out my siblings--most often my older brother.
I am sure that my dynamic with Jerry was probably one of the most confusing, bi-polar relationships this world has ever seen. (Okay... maybe I exaggerate but moving on...) During the day, we were often mortal enemies, both the antagonist and protagonist in our turns. Cats vs dogs. Utah vs BYU. Sweet vs Sour! Maybe not that last one... but you get the picture right? Very square peg, very round hole as it were.
However, the moment you would turn off the lights I would often go and sleep on the floor in his room or, in later years, switch beds with Tommy and we would talk and talk and talk... we would talk, I suppose, very much like we did when we were young and sleeping in a bunk bed, Mikkaila just born and Tommy on the way. I don't know when it changed to a moonlight serenade, but it did and we were very akin to crickets and cicadas. I remember we would rationalize that if we stayed up until midnight on a Sunday then it would be Monday morning... in other words, it would be okay to play the Nintendo (or whatever version thereof that we had at that time).
Christmas Eve, we would often gather all 5 of us together into one room (something which we did almost three years ago now, this time joined by Sarah, my sister-in-law) and sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, after Santa had come of course, Jerry would be the first to wake and sneak to the stockings and he would inevitably wake me up so I could share his joy of the loot and encourage me to also look through my stocking.
Now, although we do not talk often, we talk about important things and calmly so... unless he cannot stand it any longer and throws a jab my way that I parry... like we did when we were teenagers but thankfully it doesn't seem to get as full blown now as it did then. Weird what growing up will do to you.
My three younger siblings in my earlier days were often cute to me but usually just a nuisance. I am sure I felt they were some type of squatter, coming in to steal my land. It is rather interesting to think of now because now there is nothing I would like better than to be in the same house (or, less drastic measures, the same town) as them so I could watch them grow up and mature.
We definitely get cuddlier as we grow older (although Tommy hasn't changed much at all in that regard... we're simply finally catching up with his loving nature and Mikkaila seems to be clinging to the standoff-ish but soon... very soon). I love when I go home and there is a race to see who can hug me first. But I daresay, Alex hugs me the most when I am home, often just sitting beside me with her arms about me (and of course I reciprocate or that would be just unnecessarily mean and awkward...) and I am thankful for it.
As a whole, I was close to my family then and I am close to my family now. The dynamic and direction of the closeness may have changed over the years (especially now that I am not physically close to them although my physical appearance continues to be) but it will forever be true, I believe, that we are close and love one another very much... even if we don't communicate it well or as clearly or properly as we would like.
Now that I have written a lengthy description as per the question's wishes, I see what an interesting query this is. I would love to see it from the perception of my parents or even any of my siblings (for some reason, especially Alex... maybe because I'm toward the top of the "food chain" whilst she sits at the bottom).
Lastly... I realize that my dynamic as a big sister hasn't really ever changed. I'm sure in some things I am still looked to as an example (whether that be good or bad is probably varied) but I will always be Mom and Dad's first baby girl. And you know what? I am okay with that.
11 November 2012
Gratitude... It is November, After All
It being November, I have seen many a status reading of the gratitude of my friends toward those things that they feel they are most blessed with in their lives. A great exercise, I suppose. Especially seeing as if you do something consistently for a month it becomes habit-- I wonder if those who are participating in this current facebook trend will find it easier as the year continues past November to point out and consciously be grateful for blessings that come to them from day to day...
I for one have not been participating. Not because I am not grateful but merely because it does not really occur to me to tell the facebook world what I am thankful for from day to day. Not to knock on those who are participating. I say, power to you! Keep up the good work! It is simply not something that I see as pertinent for me to join in on. However, this post being dedicated to "gratitude", I will wrap it up with a list of things that I have taken note of in my life that I am thankful for.
But before I get to that I want to share my feelings of gratitude for one particular blessing-- that is, the blessing of Christ's Atonement for man. I was reading just now in 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon and a particular verse stuck out to me because I had highlighted it in some earlier year when it had first touched me. In short, it spoke of how the Lord has given us a way out of sin and out of the clutches of our demons so that we might know of His love and come unto Him. Without the Atonement, which gives us the opportunity to confess our sins and repent, then I and I suppose a few others out there would be totally lost. To be completely honest, I cannot even imagine the capacity of love Christ had to be able to give Himself fully unto the Father's will and sacrifice His life for us but I am grateful.
I am so thankful for the endless forgiveness that is available for me to take part in each day. Yes. I make mistakes. Every day. But that is okay as long as I am working toward being better and fixing those mistakes. It does not matter so much that you have made the mistake but rather what you do after that makes the difference.
Of the following things, I am most thankful:
"Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."
--Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude for the Goodness of God"
I for one have not been participating. Not because I am not grateful but merely because it does not really occur to me to tell the facebook world what I am thankful for from day to day. Not to knock on those who are participating. I say, power to you! Keep up the good work! It is simply not something that I see as pertinent for me to join in on. However, this post being dedicated to "gratitude", I will wrap it up with a list of things that I have taken note of in my life that I am thankful for.
But before I get to that I want to share my feelings of gratitude for one particular blessing-- that is, the blessing of Christ's Atonement for man. I was reading just now in 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon and a particular verse stuck out to me because I had highlighted it in some earlier year when it had first touched me. In short, it spoke of how the Lord has given us a way out of sin and out of the clutches of our demons so that we might know of His love and come unto Him. Without the Atonement, which gives us the opportunity to confess our sins and repent, then I and I suppose a few others out there would be totally lost. To be completely honest, I cannot even imagine the capacity of love Christ had to be able to give Himself fully unto the Father's will and sacrifice His life for us but I am grateful.
I am so thankful for the endless forgiveness that is available for me to take part in each day. Yes. I make mistakes. Every day. But that is okay as long as I am working toward being better and fixing those mistakes. It does not matter so much that you have made the mistake but rather what you do after that makes the difference.
Of the following things, I am most thankful:
- my family
- my friends
- my current job
- the fact that I was able to take at least one class this semester
- I got tickets to go to a Vocal Point Concert for free- and learned some valuable views there
- the snow cleared up before having to drive to Lehi this evening
- my relatively good health
- my talents
- my sight
- my hearing
- my ability to speak and communicate
- all the blankets I have received in past years--they are highly useful during Utah winters
- the examples of my "older sisters"
- the love that I have been able to enjoy and share
- running water that can be warm for showers and cool to slake thirst
- those moments of impeccable clarity that the Lord gives to my situation now and again
- the temple
- laughter
- hugs
- books
- sweaters and scarves
- shoes
- the ability I have to hold my peace/think of what I am going to say before spouting off
- music
- opportunities for growth even if they hurt at the moment
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas
"Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."
--Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude for the Goodness of God"
10 November 2012
Choose to Be Happy, Plan to Live with Joy
Welcome back!
So, I am going to take a different tack than I have been the last few posts (which I have been drawing from a list of 3o questions that are to help you get to know me, etc [aka, read some of my prior posts if you have no idea of what I speak and would like to know]). Instead of answering the next question, I would like to write on what has been weighing heavily on my mind the last couple of weeks (among other things to be certain, I am a woman after all).
What is this topic you ask? It is most simply this: how do I go about my life patiently waiting on the Lord's timing in respect to my eternal marriage?
The simplest answer I have been given is to not wait but rather continue on my way, planning my life, my studies, my general growth around me. It is not for me to worry at this point how I am going to fit a man into my plans. Not everything goes as we plan in the long run but it doesn't hurt to make plans. If needed, the Lord will help us change our plans to incorporate the one He has planned for us.
As I was looking for quotes to apply to the next question I am to answer (which will probably be in the next post) I stumbled upon a cornucopia of quotes said by Gordon B. Hinckley, the 15th prophet of the present day Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Oh, how I love President Hinckley! As most men that get to his age, he was very wise in the ways of life, the heart and goals. The first quote I stumbled upon that caused me to choose to write on this topic this morning is this:
“Through all of living have much joy and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
It really does seem like I don't enjoy life as much as when I am laughing and finding joy in those things and experiences and friends that I do have rather than worrying about what is to come next (or not going to come, whatever the case may be). Of course, there is a time and place to "worry" about the future but those are the times when I make my decisions on how I am going to approach the future.
A year or so ago, I was counseling with my Bishop about life in general and making goals and decisions, setting plans for my future. Something that he said has stuck with me ever since. He said, "As long as the decisions and choices you make are working within the parameters of the Lord's commandments and expectations of you, then you can't go wrong." I often struggle with making clear and decisive goals because of my own subconscious bombarding me with the fear of failure or that I will make a choice not within the bounds of the Lord's approval.
I have been taught time and again that one is supposed to make a decision, as well-informed as possible, before presenting it to Heavenly Father for approval. In other words, do not expect to go to the Lord and have Him tell you exactly which choice and path to follow. This isn't to say that He won't give more specific direction from time to time, however we were sent to this earth to practice and use our agency, free will, to make our own decisions and go through life.
Of course, there may come a time in my life when I will have to sit down and decide whether or not to marry the man who comes into my life and wishes to marry me. This, too, I feel is a decision that we must make on our own. After which "we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal." (Bruce R. McConkie, a past general authority of the Church) I know that this will be the way I go about such a decision because I do believe in McConkie's view which is as follows: “The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.”---the right person comes first, and I have witnessed the difference it makes to decide and ask the Lord rather than decide and move headstrong into the union without consulting the Lord.
I think President Hinckley's counsel on what man women should look for when he said the following---
“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.”
This instills in me the hope and faith that if a righteous man that fits the above description finds me and thinks on me enough to want to marry me and I then choose to agree to marriage, the Lord will not deny me as long as I am living as correctly as I know how. All things work out in the end... even if that end lies in the life after this.
To be honest, concerning most happenings and trials/troubles in my life, I usually turn to my parents to ask their advice when I feel at a crossroads in my mind. However, this time I turned to my aunt.
My parents were married when my mother was 19-- almost three years younger than I am right now. If I am right in my reckoning, she had already had my brother and I was on the way when she hit my age. Aside from the experiences she has heard of, she doesn't have the personal experience with the trial I feel I am going through right now. And of course, I am glad that she did not have to go through this particular feeling, for she had already endured much by the time she was my age.
Now, by no means do I find joy in the fact that my aunt is yet unmarried but I do joy in the fact that she is my aunt and that I have such an example of strength. I love her so much and I do not think I could ever express how much I appreciate the advice she has given me since the time I could really communicate with her and ask her of things of a spiritual and personal nature.
Rather haltingly (for I am sure it could be read in the way I wrote) I asked her how I was to handle my current situation. All around me my closest friends are getting engaged, married and having babies. Now, for most people, this is not a big deal but being a member of a church that so encourages marriage and where most people don't blink an eye when a girl gets married at 19, it seems a little more pointed and jagged when people look at you at the age of 21 and wonder (oft times aloud) why you don't at least have a serious boyfriend.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by quite a few friends and family who are considerate of this and remind me, (again) often, that I am still young and have plenty of time to enjoy life before leaping into marriage.
However, I still dread coming face to face with those who have known me most of my life at weddings and other such social functions where one is usually at least with a date and having to answer their questions of my current single status while we should be focusing solely on the happiness of those who have found their companion. I am sure half of them are only teasing, a good-natured poke, but nonetheless, it still hurts.
Why does it hurt? Why must I take it as such a personal offense instead of turning the jokes the other way and asking after their general health?
My aunt wrote something, that I at least found to be rather profound. It had to do with my feelings toward all of my friends getting married. She said that it isn't because we aren't happy for them but because we are sad for ourselves. However, the thought then came to her mind that we can be one or the other, we cannot be both. Therefore, we have to choose. It isn't a choice that we make once, but many times through our lives. Just like other principles taught by the gospel such as "will I read my scriptures today?", "did I think to pray this morning/night?", the principles of happiness are completely in our control.
It is our choice whether we will be happy or go through this life feeling sorry for ourselves.
“I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.” -Gordon B Hinckley
(Of course, I am sure the above quote could pertain to men as well but I really appreciate how directed it was at the women of the church.)
So, with the choice before me, what will it be?
Will I be happy and rejoice in the unions of my friends with those they will love for the rest of eternity?
Or will I be sad, bitter, and self-pitying about the Lord's timing and how it is working in my life?
Again, in the words of President Hinckley, "You can be smart and happy or you can be stupid and miserable. It's your choice." Therefore, I will choose to be happy. I know somewhere down the road I will probably need to make this choice again but that's okay. I am only 21 going on 22. I am still growing up. Until it becomes a seamless part of my life, I will make the choice every morning to stop waiting for HIM to show up and simply work on making myself a better person, working to support myself, work towards my own personal goals that can only make me a better person if I work within the Lord's will and parameters.
However, as a close to this blog, I feel I must work every bit of this subject out of my system. That's right. I am about to tell you the check list of qualities I will use to make my decisions when a serious minded man comes along and asks me to take a chance on him. Granted some of these might seem silly, but in my "limited" experience, they are each important for one reason or another. After this, I will do my best to write no more on this subject unless prompted to.
Lastly, these are in no particular order and some I will save to the last, not because they are the last to cross my mind but simply because... I can.
-patient
-kind
-good listener
-trusts me to support and listen to him
-considerate
-gentlemanly (opens car and building doors, walks on the street side, etc)
-does not scare me as he drives
So, I am going to take a different tack than I have been the last few posts (which I have been drawing from a list of 3o questions that are to help you get to know me, etc [aka, read some of my prior posts if you have no idea of what I speak and would like to know]). Instead of answering the next question, I would like to write on what has been weighing heavily on my mind the last couple of weeks (among other things to be certain, I am a woman after all).
What is this topic you ask? It is most simply this: how do I go about my life patiently waiting on the Lord's timing in respect to my eternal marriage?
The simplest answer I have been given is to not wait but rather continue on my way, planning my life, my studies, my general growth around me. It is not for me to worry at this point how I am going to fit a man into my plans. Not everything goes as we plan in the long run but it doesn't hurt to make plans. If needed, the Lord will help us change our plans to incorporate the one He has planned for us.
As I was looking for quotes to apply to the next question I am to answer (which will probably be in the next post) I stumbled upon a cornucopia of quotes said by Gordon B. Hinckley, the 15th prophet of the present day Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Oh, how I love President Hinckley! As most men that get to his age, he was very wise in the ways of life, the heart and goals. The first quote I stumbled upon that caused me to choose to write on this topic this morning is this:
“Through all of living have much joy and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
It really does seem like I don't enjoy life as much as when I am laughing and finding joy in those things and experiences and friends that I do have rather than worrying about what is to come next (or not going to come, whatever the case may be). Of course, there is a time and place to "worry" about the future but those are the times when I make my decisions on how I am going to approach the future.
A year or so ago, I was counseling with my Bishop about life in general and making goals and decisions, setting plans for my future. Something that he said has stuck with me ever since. He said, "As long as the decisions and choices you make are working within the parameters of the Lord's commandments and expectations of you, then you can't go wrong." I often struggle with making clear and decisive goals because of my own subconscious bombarding me with the fear of failure or that I will make a choice not within the bounds of the Lord's approval.
I have been taught time and again that one is supposed to make a decision, as well-informed as possible, before presenting it to Heavenly Father for approval. In other words, do not expect to go to the Lord and have Him tell you exactly which choice and path to follow. This isn't to say that He won't give more specific direction from time to time, however we were sent to this earth to practice and use our agency, free will, to make our own decisions and go through life.
Of course, there may come a time in my life when I will have to sit down and decide whether or not to marry the man who comes into my life and wishes to marry me. This, too, I feel is a decision that we must make on our own. After which "we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal." (Bruce R. McConkie, a past general authority of the Church) I know that this will be the way I go about such a decision because I do believe in McConkie's view which is as follows: “The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.”---the right person comes first, and I have witnessed the difference it makes to decide and ask the Lord rather than decide and move headstrong into the union without consulting the Lord.
I think President Hinckley's counsel on what man women should look for when he said the following---
“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.”
This instills in me the hope and faith that if a righteous man that fits the above description finds me and thinks on me enough to want to marry me and I then choose to agree to marriage, the Lord will not deny me as long as I am living as correctly as I know how. All things work out in the end... even if that end lies in the life after this.
To be honest, concerning most happenings and trials/troubles in my life, I usually turn to my parents to ask their advice when I feel at a crossroads in my mind. However, this time I turned to my aunt.
My parents were married when my mother was 19-- almost three years younger than I am right now. If I am right in my reckoning, she had already had my brother and I was on the way when she hit my age. Aside from the experiences she has heard of, she doesn't have the personal experience with the trial I feel I am going through right now. And of course, I am glad that she did not have to go through this particular feeling, for she had already endured much by the time she was my age.
Now, by no means do I find joy in the fact that my aunt is yet unmarried but I do joy in the fact that she is my aunt and that I have such an example of strength. I love her so much and I do not think I could ever express how much I appreciate the advice she has given me since the time I could really communicate with her and ask her of things of a spiritual and personal nature.
Rather haltingly (for I am sure it could be read in the way I wrote) I asked her how I was to handle my current situation. All around me my closest friends are getting engaged, married and having babies. Now, for most people, this is not a big deal but being a member of a church that so encourages marriage and where most people don't blink an eye when a girl gets married at 19, it seems a little more pointed and jagged when people look at you at the age of 21 and wonder (oft times aloud) why you don't at least have a serious boyfriend.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by quite a few friends and family who are considerate of this and remind me, (again) often, that I am still young and have plenty of time to enjoy life before leaping into marriage.
However, I still dread coming face to face with those who have known me most of my life at weddings and other such social functions where one is usually at least with a date and having to answer their questions of my current single status while we should be focusing solely on the happiness of those who have found their companion. I am sure half of them are only teasing, a good-natured poke, but nonetheless, it still hurts.
Why does it hurt? Why must I take it as such a personal offense instead of turning the jokes the other way and asking after their general health?
My aunt wrote something, that I at least found to be rather profound. It had to do with my feelings toward all of my friends getting married. She said that it isn't because we aren't happy for them but because we are sad for ourselves. However, the thought then came to her mind that we can be one or the other, we cannot be both. Therefore, we have to choose. It isn't a choice that we make once, but many times through our lives. Just like other principles taught by the gospel such as "will I read my scriptures today?", "did I think to pray this morning/night?", the principles of happiness are completely in our control.
It is our choice whether we will be happy or go through this life feeling sorry for ourselves.
“I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.” -Gordon B Hinckley
(Of course, I am sure the above quote could pertain to men as well but I really appreciate how directed it was at the women of the church.)
So, with the choice before me, what will it be?
Will I be happy and rejoice in the unions of my friends with those they will love for the rest of eternity?
Or will I be sad, bitter, and self-pitying about the Lord's timing and how it is working in my life?
Again, in the words of President Hinckley, "You can be smart and happy or you can be stupid and miserable. It's your choice." Therefore, I will choose to be happy. I know somewhere down the road I will probably need to make this choice again but that's okay. I am only 21 going on 22. I am still growing up. Until it becomes a seamless part of my life, I will make the choice every morning to stop waiting for HIM to show up and simply work on making myself a better person, working to support myself, work towards my own personal goals that can only make me a better person if I work within the Lord's will and parameters.
However, as a close to this blog, I feel I must work every bit of this subject out of my system. That's right. I am about to tell you the check list of qualities I will use to make my decisions when a serious minded man comes along and asks me to take a chance on him. Granted some of these might seem silly, but in my "limited" experience, they are each important for one reason or another. After this, I will do my best to write no more on this subject unless prompted to.
Lastly, these are in no particular order and some I will save to the last, not because they are the last to cross my mind but simply because... I can.
-patient
-kind
-good listener
-trusts me to support and listen to him
-considerate
-gentlemanly (opens car and building doors, walks on the street side, etc)
-does not scare me as he drives
my father may be a... crazier driver than my mom, but I have never questioned the safety of my life even though we have been in a big crash (circumstances were quite beyond his control)
-does not cause sick nerves (I don't mind butterflies)
-willing to communicate if something bothers him
-cuddly, will hug me until I am satisfied
-comforting--will not run even if I cry
-strong
-safe
-sure
-smart
-intelligent (yes, they are different...)
-willing to watch certain movies with me (I will reciprocate as long as it is within church standards)
-a good cook, even if it's just one specialty
-"take care" of spiders... even if he is afraid of them too
-willing to be spontaneous, but plans the important times
-thoughtful
-respect
-has direction
-passionate in what he does
-has an appreciation for music, books, theater
-encouraging
-uplifting
-comfortable silences
-meaningful talking
-a good standing, Priesthood holder in the church
-a strong testimony
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