Adulthood

Life. It's no walk in the park.
There are triumphs and tragedies. Moments of heartbreak and moments where your heart soars.
You learn how to live on your own, work for people that you may like and some that you may not.

Lately as those who read my blogs will know I have been striving to break through a haze, if you will, of anxiety and depression. I was meeting with a counselor for about two months when I was informed that he was not the type that was certified to prescribe medication. But in my last appointment with him, he came to the conclusion that the main reason behind my struggles was probably a chemical imbalance.
So, recently (as in one week ago this coming Monday), I went in to a family doctor, told him what I have been struggling with  along with my symptoms and the counselor's conclusions and BAM! Prescription was given and I have been taking medication every night since. It is having an effect but at this point (it not even being a full week) I'm not entirely sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But hey, I'm one step closer and that's a happy thought.

The other thing that I have been learning lately is this simple but horrible fact: you cannot please everyone. People are going to be hurt by things you do and say. Other people will be overjoyed and delighted by the mere appearance of your smile.
I have made many friends over the past short months and we all have different temperaments and views on how things should be. We've had our disagreements. I have hurt people with a few of my decisions, some have hurt me.
Some have brought me much joy--and some I hope to bring joy to in the near future.
May we all grow up together and realize that mistakes will be made, feelings will be hurt, love will be discovered, and one day it will all make sense--all of our trials and jubilation will make sense.

Love,
Me

Hipster and Peeved

Okay, so not really.
It's been a couple days and I was looking at the list on pinterest and saw these two questions...

What are your views on mainstream music?
and
What are your five main pet peeves?

Clearly, these two topics were meant to be written together (or not so clearly... I may just be bored and need something to do and seeing as the first will take hardly any time at all...). Anyway. Let's address the first question, shall we? (And if you didn't read the last two words like Billy Crystal playing Mike Wizowski, I question your childhood.)

What are my views on mainstream music?
Well, I suppose one would need to know what "mainstream" is nowadays... I don't really listen to the radio all that much but I realize that a few of the artists that used to be deemed only listened to by the "hipsters" are now becoming more popular and widely recognized by the rest of the world.
SO. My opinion? Music is music. If I like it, I'll listen to it. If I don't, I won't. Regardless of how popular or unpopular it may be. That about sums it up.

Moving on.

What are five of my pet peeves?
Good question.
1) Miscommunication. Lack thereof or just misunderstanding really kills me. I am rather straightforward and I recognize that there are some things that people choose not to communicate for one reason or another but if you're trying to work with me in any way, if you could be clear and concise, that would be most fantastic.

2) Rude children. And grownups. But I guess it really bothers me when children are rude because I can see how they are already headed straight toward being rude adults. I cannot express how shocking it is to me when I hear children demand sweets and such from their parents or expect their parents to know that they needed a ride when, imagine that, they had a bout of miscommunication just that morning. It's just sad.

3) Their, they're, and there. Need I say more? (That applies to all of those misused homophones.)

4) People who don't know how to chew gum. Chew like you have a secret, friends. Not like your first cousin is a cow.

5) When people aren't self-aware. If you want me to expound on that you'll have to ask me yourself. Ha.

And that's it for today. Hope you found this slice of my mind... entertaining.

Love,
Me

Aaaaall My Exes...

...don't live in Texas. 

Actually, I have no idea where they live but what are you going to do?

There is, indeed, a point to the title of this post. The fifth idea on the pinterest list is as follows:

Things I want to say to an ex.

Well, what do you say? 

Hello, how are you doing? 

I guess I would say that I am glad for the time we did have but I understand exactly why we wouldn't have worked out in the long run. You were perfect for me for that one breath of time but I am glad that you let me go when you did so that I could continue growing in this crazy, wonderful, sometimes disappointing, but completely worth it life. 

I still care about you, as I will for every person who deems me worthy of receiving a piece of their heart to hold no matter how briefly. And I wish you luck and happiness in the years to come. You have yet to find your princess and I my prince but I know that the Lord has great plans in store for each of us. 

Thank you for giving me place in your story and for being a part of mine. 

Love,

Me

Ever Wondered What I Do in a Day?

This will probably be my most boring blog post of all time. I apologize in advance.

For this topic, I have been told to bullet my whole day. So here goes...

-Said goodbye to my friends at 1 AM
-Fell asleep to Christmas music
-Hit the snooze button three times because I had no desire to get up this morning (I kinda felt ill anyway)
-Woke up to get the verdict on cleaning checks
-Was told to go back to bed by cleaning check lady (apparently, I must have looked pretty awful)
-Went back to sleep
-Woke up with a sparse half hour to get ready for work
-Got a ride to the store
-Got some "breakfast"
-Got quarters for laundry
-Walked the rest of the way to work
-Helped stuff some red folders
-Been eating almonds and pinning and now blogging

Excitement, I assure you. What am I going to do this evening?
Probably...

-Walk home
-Eat some sort of dinner
-Do laundry (while watching a movie yet to be decided)
-Fall asleep

I have one heck of an exciting life, you see, but I guess it doesn't always have to have bells and whistles. I hope you enjoyed this installment of my blog because I sure didn't.
Have a splendid day!

Love,
Me

A Book I Love

Gah! I saw this topic was right under the one I wrote about yesterday and honestly wanted to skip yesterday's topic so I could cover this one instead but then I figured, I will write about all of them anyway so why not work on a little patience on the way?
A book I love... it took all of a split second for it to come to my mind and the book or rather trilogy that I love would have to be the Lord of the Rings (there are others, mind you, but at this moment let's just stick to this one).
My love for this book goes all the way back to, that's right, the 5th grade. And, let's be honest, it started with the movie. I recall going to see the Fellowship of the Ring at the tender age of 11. I had turned 11 a few weeks prior and my best friend at the time was having her 11th birthday party and wanted to see the first installment of the trilogy.
My parents hesitated seeing as it was PG-13 and I was still a good couple years away from that life mark but with the help of my friend's mother, they were convinced to let me go and so I did. The first 10 minutes of the movie, I clung to my friend's had so tightly (and she to mine) that our palms were sweaty and I was beginning to rethink my demands to be treated as a mature individual by my parents.
Aside from the fact that I was completely terrified of the orcs, I fell in love with the story and couldn't wait for the next one to come out. However, much to my chagrin, I had dreams, nay, nightmares... for the next 2 months filled with filthy orcses (in the words of Gollum). And by parental decree, I was not allowed to rewatch the Fellowship of the Ring or go to see the following installments until I was older and had demonstrated that I was no longer a scaredy cat.
What was I to do? Everyone else was going to know what happened next before I did! I was to be left behind, hearing what happened through spoilers without getting to experience the pleasure of the brilliant cinematography and life breathed in imagination by Peter Jackson (who, I believe, is a kindred spirit of mine).
Well, dear friends, there I was, sitting in Mr. Aiken's math class when I glanced at the bookshelf to my left from which I had borrowed many a book before, and fate illuminated my despair. Sitting in front of my eyes was the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. My fingers trembled as I reached out for the Fellowship (as my hand always does when I find a book I have been wishing to read) and with it, I walked over to the clipboard he had for us to "check out" books on, wrote down the title with my name and immediately walked back to my seat, cracked the book open and had my heart stolen forever by the words and imagination and world that was Tolkien's Middle Earth.
Tolkien's writing lit a fire in my heart (and as I would soon discover, my fingers for I started writing pretty soon thereafter) and I devoured the Fellowship of the Ring, barely breathing between it and the Two Towers and not even sparing a glance at any other book before reading the Return of the King.
My imagination was captured not solely by the lives of the characters therein, but the landscapes that were painted on the canvas of my mind, the poetry and songs sung and recited by the elves and the hobbits and even the ents. I laughed, I cried, lived and died with these characters--my friends.
I have read this trilogy alone 3 or 4 times over. I even wrote a biography on Tolkien my 8th grade year of middle school while everyone else was writing on Ghandi or Rosa Parks. Frankly, I took a great deal of pleasure in the knowledge that I knew exactly how everything went and ended before the Two Towers movie made it out into the theaters.

Now, everyone has their favorite characters. So how about I address this?
My first favorite character is Peregrin (Pippin) Took. The youngest of the four hobbits, he is also the most naive and childlike of them. I honestly believe that he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he volunteered to be part of the fellowship. I believe I identified a lot with him as a kid and watching the movies now, I am thankful for the portrayal that Billy Boyd gave because I don't think anyone would have done better. I love Pippin because of his vulnerability and also because, even at the end, after all he has been through he is the same. A little older, a little wiser (and thanks to the Entish spring a little taller) he still has the faith of a child, believing in the words of Gandalf and striving to save and be there for the ones he loves, always giving, not sparing.
As I've grown older, I have fallen more in love with the characters of Eowyn and Faramir and I don't think I could like one without mentioning and adoring the other. I'll start with Eowyn... firstly, she is my favorite favorite favorite female in the whole of the Lord of the Rings. (I'm glad that Peter Jackson gave Arwen more of a role but I will address that in a bit.) She wants to show people that she isn't some fragile doll to be kept on a pillow away from the pain, anguish, hardships of her people. She fears a gilded cage! She wants to be of use, go to battle, support her lord, and in the end prove herself. She was completely friend-zoned by Aragorn (and rightly so because he already had the love of his life) but she didn't stop caring for him and his well-being which is something I completely relate to! However, even though her "first love" or whatever didn't pan out, she kept moving forward. She kept to her goals and aspirations and was splendidly put into the path of Faramir. Perfect.
Faramir--ah, how his character broke my heart. Denethor was so blind to how amazing his younger son was. I was a little put out when Peter Jackson made it seem like he wavered when Frodo revealed the purpose of his and Sam's travels and the fact that he had the One Ring because in the book he sent Frodo through. He was a good person, with pure intentions, who longed and yearned for the love of his father. And I would like to believe that he was the perfect match for Eowyn--from what Tolkien wrote of him, he would not have put her in a cage. He would honor her, most assuredly, but no fragile flower had he stumbled upon. After all, she took out that ringwraith without hesitation (broke her arm in the process but hey so did Pippin when he tried to distract the ringwraith from killing Eowyn as she grieved over Theoden).
And now to throw ya'll for a loop. One of my favorite characters was one who was not in the movies (or if he was he had a far different role than in the book). Glorfindel. He didn't have a huge role but he was the one who saved Frodo from the wraiths--you know that awesome horse-riding scene that introduced Arwen in the movie? Yeah, that was his scene and he was the first elf I fell in love with in the book. (I may have even written a small fanfiction my 6th grade year wherein he was the long-lost father of my character... oh yes.)

What more can I say? I could probably go on for a while more but then again, what would I tell you if you ever questioned me about it in person?
But I will leave you with a quote because how else would one end a blog entry about their favorite book than with one of their favorite quotes?

"All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."

Love,
Me

Something I Feel Strongly About...

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be working off a list of 30 topics that I found on Pinterest to jump start my blogging again for a blog that updates on a more regular basis.

Subject number two is as follows:

Something You Feel Strongly About--

Well, I feel strongly about a great number of things but I will try and restrict myself to one (perhaps a couple... we'll see how fired up I get, I suppose).

I will start by saying this... why must we always end up hurting each other? The Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, "If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." How can you know what you will do will harm a person?
I often find that when we think we are doing the most good for another person, that is when we hurt them the most. Sometimes you say something thinking it good and sound advice, or that it is a compliment when the person receiving it might be in the throes of a battle greater than you could ever begin to understand and instead of helping them, it harms them. It releases a beautiful looking glass, so to speak, of what you see in them, the reflection that you perceive of them, but the looking glass gets caught up in the whirlwind and storms and shatters against their perception of reality at the given time. The shards are then catapulted at high velocities into their eyes, minds, and hearts.
I will use personal examples because they are the only things that are truly mine to share. Now, understand that I realize in my more sensible and sound mental state that what is being said or done is said or done by those around me with the thought to do good. But I am not currently in the soundest state of mind that I would like to be or have been in the past or will be in the future.

Example #1
A few days ago, a dear friend of mine made the decision that they should, essentially, ignore me for a while so that, in their understanding, I would realize that I was being too dependent on that person and to encourage, no, force me to depend on myself. Where this would usually be a healthy idea and kind of the person what did my warped senses perceive it as?
I saw it as them calling me clingy and weak. That I was forcing my company upon them when they "clearly" did not want me anywhere near them. This being the same friend who told me they loved me and would be there if ever I needed someone to talk to. This friend is somewhat of a kindred spirit in my eyes, someone who has been through hell and back again--who I saw as someone who might be able to lift me up when I'm down. Heaven knows I have had my share of downswings as of late but how was I to know how selfish I was being?
I have poured my heart out to them a number of times--but they have problems of their own. Struggles of their own. And I try to lay to much on their shoulders in hopes of lightening my own load.

Example #2
Another even dearer friend of mine felt it their duty to tell me all of the good points they saw in me--the parts of me that they wished to emulate in their own lives.
I ask you to understand for a moment that I am not seeing myself in the light. No. In fact, it is rather dark where I am. And the idea that there could be any beauty in me when all is said and done, once I finally emerge from the darkness that has encompassed me these last few months, is beyond my ken--something I yearn for, ache for... but as of the moment, my whole being refuses to see it. And in this pain is inflicted. Further pain is inflicted then in knowing that I have torn down in front of their very eyes the beautiful drawing they have rendered of me by not springing from the chasm I have fallen down with a smile on my face and light in my eyes.

Now, honestly, if these had occurred about a year ago to the first, I probably would have shrugged, been just mildly hurt, but been on my bonny way in a matter of ten minutes, fifteen tops! To the second, I might have laughed, perhaps a blush, and a thank you.
I was talking to my mother last night and something she said really hit home with me. She told me that this is not me. I, Cassidy, have been eclipsed by something dark and harsh. All of my reactions, all of the things that have happened to me lately have been amplified at such a severe level that my emotions and all they entail are essentially spinning out of my control. All I have been able to do lately it would seem is stand by in abject horror at my interactions with the people I hold dear. I am in a constant state of apology lately and I wish I had a better excuse than the one I give.
But such as my current circumstances are all I can do at this point is ask that you please have patience with me. I am sorry for my short temper. I am sorry if I seem unstable and less able to hold my own and stand on my two feet.
Tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow I will smile. Tomorrow I will be able to stand without crying into your shoulder. But if you cannot wait for tomorrow. If you cannot have patience with me. Then I beg of you, don't stand within range of my blast zone and I won't seek you out.

So in summation, the "something" I feel strongly about is being aware of what you do, what you say to those around you--be as aware as you can be of their current situation and don't be completely surprised or angry or upset if they don't respond in the way you imagine they would/should. Do your best to do no harm--especially to those that you love or hope to keep close when tomorrow comes.

Pinterest Journaling (Hence Blogging) Ideas

When I first started this blog, I used a list of ideas I got from Pinterest and since I've been having such a hard time writing lately, I found another list of 30 topics to talk about. So, here is number one:

Five Ways to Win My Heart

Now this is a tricky thing in general because it seems to vary from man to man--what about them inevitably draws me in and, in the end, wins my heart. Therefore I will list the five that first come to my thoughts for this evening (and maybe more if you are lucky and I am still not tired by the time I figure out the fifth one). So...without further ado...

#1 Remember conversations we have had.
This is a big one. Why? Because it shows that you are actually trying to get to know me and understand what makes me tick and if that also means you remember my favorite snack/food/drink/flowers and other such tidbits to use down the road to cheer me up on a down day, all the better.

#2 Vocabulary
If you have a vast word bank and use the words within it properly and intelligently, it speaks to my writing/English nerd heart.

#3 Getting along with my family
Be it cousins or the legit "shared the same house for years" family, it will always win my heart if you can get along with my family--especially to the point of being able to tease one another and play games together during the holidays.

#4 Silly time
Not just allowing me to be silly but being silly with me--and on the other end, knowing when to be serious with me. I hate being laughed at when I'm serious about something--it hurts.

#5 Honesty
I tend to be blunt and very upfront about who I am and what I want--all I ask is that you return my honesty with your own. Manipulation/cloak and dagger routines are not my favorite.

Bonus #1 Opening doors
Especially when I am getting into your car. It really makes me feel special when you take the time to walk around the car with me just to make sure I get comfortably into your vehicle.

Bonus #2 Sharing your talents
If you have a talent, I want to know about it! Even if it's just playing the kazoo or something. It's even better when we can participate in the same talent--dancing or music. Quoting of Disney movies endlessly? Yes.

Bonus #3 Allowing me to cry
I cannot express how wonderful it is for me to be able to cry in front of you and have you just pull me into your chest. No shushing sounds or asking me not to cry but letting me cry it out and just being there for me--heaven knows I'll be there for you when you cry.

Bonus #4 Allowing me to see you cry
All that nonsense about a "man card" or whatever? Yeah, I don't put stock in it. In fact, it bothers me if I don't at least see some emotion from you even if it isn't all the way into tears. But when you feel comfortable with me insomuch that you can cry while I hold you? It warms my heart.

Bonus #5 Talk
Just talk to me. Ask questions. Let me ask questions. And THEN we can sit in companionable silence while we soak in the company of one another and digest the new tidbits of information we have presented to one another.

I'm sure there are others but I think I may just be able to go to sleep.

(Bonus #6 No judging when it comes to my choice in movies and music... especially the fact that I listen to Christmas music year round.)