Wow.
Where has this year gone? It is hard to believe that I have been living here in Utah for 14 months. It is even harder to believe that it has already been 5 months since I last saw my parents and siblings and grandmas and aunts and cousins... and pets.
But... how wonderful it is to be able to meet the end of the year and say that I am happy in spite of it all. I know that my family is well. My mother has lost over 30 lbs in the last few months. My little brother set an amazing example of self-possession and bearing such a heavy burden as having to testify in court against one who he once deemed friend. My youngest sister was able to get a kitten in place of one of the best house cats we have ever had who needed to be put down a few months prior to Christmas.
I gather the rest of my family is happy, busy and content as well. What wonderful examples I have been given!
I miss them but as it is sung, "God be with you til we meet again." And I believe He shall be.
This evening brought a phone call to me. The start was shaky. I felt pangs in my heart but I have learned that all hope is not lost. So here I shall be, continuing to live my life as always but at least with something to look forward to. If nothing else, I see a wonderful friendship developing ahead of me and for those who know me best, I need friends. Especially out here in the frozen desert. Haha! How I loathe the snow and the enforced time inside doors so that I might be able to greet the spring with all my phalanges in tact and, yes, even my nose.
As I spoke with my friend, I was reminded intensely of my love of family-- and not just my own although I will admit especially my own. As I spoke of my parents, I repeated how much I wished he could meet them just so I would not have to explain my love of them. Not because I do not wish to explain my love... I just seem to be unable to find the words encompassing enough of my feelings toward them.
This past year I have learned quite a bit about my mother at the least and am thankful that they are my parents so that I may continue to learn about them and continue to get to know them. The sacrifices they have made for me and my siblings awe me and compel me to strive each day to be more deserving of their sacrifice of time and, more often than I would like to admit, patience with their first daughter.
I am grateful that they had at least one child ahead of me, even a boy. I am especially grateful Jerry is a boy. Why? For the sake of self respect. Yes, yes. We fight... oftener when we lived together than we do now but there was no mistaking his love for me as his sister. He had learned this love from our parents and I think hardly a day passed when he would not reaffirm at the very least at the end of the day how much he loved and thought of me.
This especially helped upon the entering into high school. Although I did not attract a lot of attention, it was enough to have my brother's hackles raised now and again in defense of my integrity. I laugh now to think of the times he defended my honor when I did not believe that he needed to.
I recall one such time when a boy from his grade was giving me a little extra attention and conversing with me. One conversation I had with this boy led to the topic of my dressing standard. Personally in high school I very much liked to dress to please no one but myself. I wore comfortable clothes even if from time to time they were a little over large on me. This boy, however, thought I might need a little advice on the topic and spoke in a rather beating-around-the-bush way thus: he informed me that if I were to wear clothing a little more conforming to the world's standard (perhaps a tank top from time to time or shorts now and again) that I would attract a lot more attention from the boys around me. What did this translate to in my mind? Merely that the boy was letting me know that there were at least a handful of guys, if not himself, that found me cute at the very least. I was flattered but assure you that I did not even consider the change of my dressing standard for the smallest moment.
I found it entertaining and thus told my brother about the conversation. I was mortified at the time but now I laugh heartily. It was in the time of myspace and Jerry promptly logged on and told the boy off... with stronger language than I had ever seen my brother use in my defense. Fierce he was and although the boy "shrugged it off" I was never spoken to again by any such boy at the school. Respect or fear? I have no idea but who knew my second knight in shining armor (second only to my father) would be my older brother?
I have never questioned their love for me. Thus, in this home of such strong and enveloping love, I never felt the need to throw myself in the paths of men during my high school years in hopes of filling the void that I am afraid too many young women are faced with in this day and age. How ungrateful I would be if I chose to forget this for one moment.
I am also thankful for my younger brother. Another thing I admitted to my friend is my seeming reliance on the energy I get from hugs. Tommy always gave me hugs when I was home. I wish I would have taken the majority of them more willingly than I did because now I realize how much I looked forward to the time he would take to express his boundless love for me through his hugs. I am not going to lie, there were a few times when I thought he needed to buck up and be a man but... in hindsight if he would have been the boy I had thought he should try to be I would have lost even more sweet and tender moments with him.
Not everyone gets the experience of having both an older and a younger brother and on top of that a father who is loving, kind, patient and takes an interest in their life. And for this, I have the utmost gratitude for.
31 December 2012
28 December 2012
Of Clothes and Nonsense...
Okay. Prepare to be amazed.
For the last few months, I have been seeing a lot of people losing weight. A friend of mine posted the other day that she is finally down to a size 6 pant/dress. As excited as I was by her success, I looked at her picture and thought, "You know... we look about the same size... why am I two sizes bigger than her?"
Now, by no stretch of the imagination do I think I am overweight. Honest. But I kept feeling bad ever time I thought about it.
Well, I was doing my laundry today and seeing as I have been on the hunt for pants to buy and having to try a pant size down from my regular size, I was going through my pants and checking out the sizes. Then I picked up a skirt my parents bought for me just last Christmas. It says it is a size 10 and I started thinking about how I could probably go down a size (maybe two seeing as it was a little big on me even last year). And you know what I realized?
The pants I have are size 11. The skirt is a size 10. But, what I neglected to realize in my quiet thoughts is this--- my pants are from the Junior section. The skirt... is from the misses section. I as comparing my size 11 in Juniors to my friend's size 6 in misses. My jaw literally dropped and I nearly smacked myself in the forehead upon this realization.
Ridiculous. I know. But you have no idea how much better I feel about myself. My mind has been blown.
But to be completely honest, I am happy. Not only with my body image but my life in general. I am single, dating, making friends, taking a class, working, fulfilling my church calling. I am happy and content and thankful for the love and support I get from my family, friends and Heavenly Father. Life is good.
Thanks for reading.
For the last few months, I have been seeing a lot of people losing weight. A friend of mine posted the other day that she is finally down to a size 6 pant/dress. As excited as I was by her success, I looked at her picture and thought, "You know... we look about the same size... why am I two sizes bigger than her?"
Now, by no stretch of the imagination do I think I am overweight. Honest. But I kept feeling bad ever time I thought about it.
Well, I was doing my laundry today and seeing as I have been on the hunt for pants to buy and having to try a pant size down from my regular size, I was going through my pants and checking out the sizes. Then I picked up a skirt my parents bought for me just last Christmas. It says it is a size 10 and I started thinking about how I could probably go down a size (maybe two seeing as it was a little big on me even last year). And you know what I realized?
The pants I have are size 11. The skirt is a size 10. But, what I neglected to realize in my quiet thoughts is this--- my pants are from the Junior section. The skirt... is from the misses section. I as comparing my size 11 in Juniors to my friend's size 6 in misses. My jaw literally dropped and I nearly smacked myself in the forehead upon this realization.
Ridiculous. I know. But you have no idea how much better I feel about myself. My mind has been blown.
But to be completely honest, I am happy. Not only with my body image but my life in general. I am single, dating, making friends, taking a class, working, fulfilling my church calling. I am happy and content and thankful for the love and support I get from my family, friends and Heavenly Father. Life is good.
Thanks for reading.
26 December 2012
Christmas and Singlehood
Merry Christmas!
It seems really too crazy that we are only 5 days from the New Year. It was rather heart-warming this Christmas season, this being my second Christmas in a row spent away from home, to know just how many people there are within just a few miles and minutes away from me that care enough about me to invite me to their homes for Christmas celebrations and festivities. I felt terrible about waiting until what seemed like the very last minute possible to decide exactly where and with whom I would spending Christmas but I am so thankful to those invitations and to those who might have been inconvenienced at any time due to my indecision.
However, I finally chose to go to a friend of mine's home in Bountiful. Now, as with every time I go to a friend's house to meet their family for the first time, I was as nervous as a fox in a hen house. How wonderful it was when I was picked up by my friend's cousin to drive halfway there and find someone to reassure me with words and stories about how fantastic this family was that I was going to meet.
Then when the first thing said to me after introductions was to make myself at home in the house I had walked into (which was very beautifully constructed and decorated, by the way) I felt myself defrost internally. Even though I was at first left to converse solely with his father, I immediately felt at ease.
I am completely convinced the Lord had a hand in this-- to be treated as kindly as I was although I could do nothing more for them than give them one more mouth to fill (and even another gift or two to be taken)... it is truly comforting to know how far the Lord's hand reaches from my home to make me feel at home if but for a moment in the house of friends who share the same belief.
And what a sweet and tender experience to be allowed to be among the family when their son who is currently on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called home to talk to them after having been out for just about 6 months. So much testimony was shared and I although I felt rather acutely of my homesickness having just called my own family at home, I was so very grateful to feel the love in their home. It did not hurt, of course, that he approved of my being there and also gave me a mission to be a good friend to his brother until further notice.
This family also has a most wonderful tradition! Christmas morning before eating themselves, they always go to a certain homeless shelter near their home and fix breakfast for those who might happen to stop by the shelter that day. I was given the task of cooking scrambled eggs and made 3 full skillets of them. The sincere gratitude of the patrons that day was something to behold. A young boy came to the counter after having eaten (he was just about 2 years old) and thanked us most enthusiastically and it warmed my heart.
I am so thankful for those gifts I was given this year. Thoughtful they were and I am glad of them. It did surprise me, however, when I got not one but three gifts and a stocking from this dear family. Without even knowing me, they bought a sweater/scarf ensemble, the color of which was quite different from any I am accustomed to but very beautiful and the perfect size! They gave me a warm BYU (go team!) sweatshirt along with some fun toe socks. A bottle of some of my favorite soda attached to a bag of popcorn made me smile as well as the individual's size of Martinelli's, a candy cane, two rolls of Life Savers hard candy, sweet petal lotion, Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash, bubble gum balls in one of those candy cane shaped containers and even the stocking itself which they purchased for this occasion.
Although it wasn't the last present I opened, it was the one that surprised me most because it was the first of the two unexpected gifts. After having served at the homeless shelter, we went to his mother's parents' home for breakfast (which was an interesting egg and shrimp casserole that I wish I could have fit more of into my tummy). After breakfast, their family tradition is to open gifts with everyone. But not just any gifts-- it is kind of like a Secret Santa thing between all the cousins and then the gifts from grandchildren to grandparents and children to parents and then grandparents to children and grandchildren. How fun it was to see all the looks on the children's faces when they opened their gifts, I was quite content sitting beside my friend and looking on.
But I was pulled to the front by his sister who handed me a gift from the family and I was referred to as, more or less, an honorary cousin. Opening the gift revealed a blanket. I would have to say that it was a symbol of all I felt the last two days. It was soft and warm, much like my feelings and heart during this time of year that is hard to find oneself away from family.
On a fun note, I also got to do something else I had never done before. That is right. I, Cassidy, was aloud to wield a snow-blower. After Christmas Eve dinner (another delicious and surprisingly warm and welcoming family affair during which we shared our musical talents and even I, the guest, was given the invitation to sing for them), since it had been snowing practically all day, we needed to clear the driveway for the sake of safe parking and such. So I was in charge of getting as much as the top snow loosened off the drive with the lawnmower-like snow-blower. My hands were an amazing shade of pink by the end but, oh, was it worth it! (A side note- I even got to choose the Christmas Eve movie and I chose the Polar Express!)
In much shorter terms, I had a beautiful blast of an experience the last two days and I am thankful I made the choice and am also thankful the Lord moved the hearts of this family to take me in to their home during such a busy time of their year.
So. I remember just a few blog posts ago promising I would never talk of boys again until something happened... well...
Haha! Okay, so nothing has changed as far as my status goes but one of the gifts I received from my parents was a talk on CD by John Bytheway entitled What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single: How to Do Life as a Young Adult. I will admit that I was a tad embarrassed to open this in front of the family I had just become acquainted with but I listened to it just a little while ago and you know what? It was brilliant! Not only was it full of humor, the way Brother Bytheway is apt to be when he speaks to young adults (and the youth as well), but it was full of great quotes from apostles and other authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints along with his opinions and also scripture references from all the standard works (yes, even the Bible was used for those outside the Church). I would most definitely recommend it to any of my other single friends (and even those who are not my friends, haha).
It started out with a metaphor Brother Bytheway came up with himself. It goes roughly like this: a single, unattached, adult is sitting at a piano. Before them sits a duet. It is titled "Marriage". Looking at the piece, you can tell it will be most beautiful. Yet, it is a duet and thus needs two people, and 4 hands to play. As the would be player sits there, someone approaches and asks, "Why are you not playing the song?" The response: "I would, but unless someone chooses to play it with me, I cannot." The someone replies with some remark along the lines of the player just not trying hard enough, or lacking faith, or even (dare they say it) the player is being "too picky". And then... they walk away. Others follow in suit, say much the same thing with their "all knowing" opinions and walk away.
I loved this metaphor because of its use of the piano and duets because it is something I understand and completely relate to.
How many times have I or others I know been approached and asked why we are not married? I probably could not count the many of times on my two hands. The wonderful thing about the first part of Brother Bytheway's talk is the realization he gives that marriage is not something we can do alone (it is one of the few ordinances of gospel in which we need another person to fulfill the commandment). It truly does not matter how many times you fast and pray to find out who the one you end up with will be if they do not use their own agency to choose you in the end, too.
He continues on to talk about how we should not sit in our rooms all day and bemoan our singlehood. Find happiness in being single! Show the world that you can be interesting by yourself! (Funny how my parents have been telling me this all my life... heh) It is not attractive to sit around and talk about being single with every breath and every conversation. Go out and live your life. Give yourself opportunities by being around people and having contact with new people so that you have not wasted your time in your sadness.
Another point he made was how it is never a question of "Did I miss my chance?" but rather simply relying on God's timing and His knowing of what you need a given time of your life. Heavenly Father is always mindful of His children and will guide you if you let Him. You have to stop worrying about what you cannot control and simply work with what you can. Be a better person. Improve upon yourself every day. Find those things that might not be as attractive (in Brother Bytheway's example a lack of listening to what people are saying directly to you) and learn how you can change them and become a better you.
In short, if you are doing all that you can to just be you and grow the way the Lord wishes for you to do since you chose to come to this earth, it will work out. But of course, there is the little matter of agency. Not only the agency of those who you would marry but yourself as well.
The last part I want to comment on is the section where Brother Bytheway talked of finally finding the person you marry. Many people say that you must have a confirmation from the Lord if you are to marry someone. Therefore some pray about the person they have found and rely upon the Lord to give them a definitive yes or no... but his belief, which I also share is this: that you must study the decision out in your own mind first, make the choice and then lay it before the Lord. Sometimes you will not get a definitive yes. But who knows? I have heard it both ways.
The Lord has given us the agency. We choose. We choose whom we marry. The Lord does not choose for us. And although that is a terrifying thought, at the same time it brings me comfort. I don't have to rely on a guy to tell me it is right because I can get my own confirmation. However, along with this choice we need to think about the people that we are dating. You have heard of the saying "you are what you eat". Well, applying it here, you marry who you date. True words, right?
If you know that you don't want to marry a particular guy, do not date him. Sometimes I find myself going on dates to see if it could work out but I have always kept my head and made this promise to myself: if I do not feel that I could marry them (even if it is a shallow reason) I will not continue to date them. Not even casually. It may hurt them when I say no when we're "only at the beginning" but is not that better than continuing the game and hurting them even more in the long run? I don't find any use in it. Honesty should be the first thing on your mind when you go to date someone. If you don't really feel it, then don't do it! What do I mean? If there is no meaning behind holding their hand or giving them a kiss then do not do it. It might not be such a big deal to you but we are always communicating even in the silence.
Of course I do not expect everyone to be honest but at the same time, I do catch myself on the verge of being dishonest in my feelings and therefore am continually striving to be better and more honest in my affections. I do not know if there is anyone that I have really hurt recently in the realm of dating but if there is, I apologize and hope that you would see me as I am. Striving just as everyone else is to be a better person.
Lastly... to my future husband. I love you and hope, pray and strive so that once we choose one another I might not let you down.
And again, I am grateful to all those who have supported me this last year and especially recently with gifts of love, time and friendship. It truly means the world to me.
It seems really too crazy that we are only 5 days from the New Year. It was rather heart-warming this Christmas season, this being my second Christmas in a row spent away from home, to know just how many people there are within just a few miles and minutes away from me that care enough about me to invite me to their homes for Christmas celebrations and festivities. I felt terrible about waiting until what seemed like the very last minute possible to decide exactly where and with whom I would spending Christmas but I am so thankful to those invitations and to those who might have been inconvenienced at any time due to my indecision.
However, I finally chose to go to a friend of mine's home in Bountiful. Now, as with every time I go to a friend's house to meet their family for the first time, I was as nervous as a fox in a hen house. How wonderful it was when I was picked up by my friend's cousin to drive halfway there and find someone to reassure me with words and stories about how fantastic this family was that I was going to meet.
Then when the first thing said to me after introductions was to make myself at home in the house I had walked into (which was very beautifully constructed and decorated, by the way) I felt myself defrost internally. Even though I was at first left to converse solely with his father, I immediately felt at ease.
I am completely convinced the Lord had a hand in this-- to be treated as kindly as I was although I could do nothing more for them than give them one more mouth to fill (and even another gift or two to be taken)... it is truly comforting to know how far the Lord's hand reaches from my home to make me feel at home if but for a moment in the house of friends who share the same belief.
And what a sweet and tender experience to be allowed to be among the family when their son who is currently on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called home to talk to them after having been out for just about 6 months. So much testimony was shared and I although I felt rather acutely of my homesickness having just called my own family at home, I was so very grateful to feel the love in their home. It did not hurt, of course, that he approved of my being there and also gave me a mission to be a good friend to his brother until further notice.
This family also has a most wonderful tradition! Christmas morning before eating themselves, they always go to a certain homeless shelter near their home and fix breakfast for those who might happen to stop by the shelter that day. I was given the task of cooking scrambled eggs and made 3 full skillets of them. The sincere gratitude of the patrons that day was something to behold. A young boy came to the counter after having eaten (he was just about 2 years old) and thanked us most enthusiastically and it warmed my heart.
I am so thankful for those gifts I was given this year. Thoughtful they were and I am glad of them. It did surprise me, however, when I got not one but three gifts and a stocking from this dear family. Without even knowing me, they bought a sweater/scarf ensemble, the color of which was quite different from any I am accustomed to but very beautiful and the perfect size! They gave me a warm BYU (go team!) sweatshirt along with some fun toe socks. A bottle of some of my favorite soda attached to a bag of popcorn made me smile as well as the individual's size of Martinelli's, a candy cane, two rolls of Life Savers hard candy, sweet petal lotion, Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash, bubble gum balls in one of those candy cane shaped containers and even the stocking itself which they purchased for this occasion.
Although it wasn't the last present I opened, it was the one that surprised me most because it was the first of the two unexpected gifts. After having served at the homeless shelter, we went to his mother's parents' home for breakfast (which was an interesting egg and shrimp casserole that I wish I could have fit more of into my tummy). After breakfast, their family tradition is to open gifts with everyone. But not just any gifts-- it is kind of like a Secret Santa thing between all the cousins and then the gifts from grandchildren to grandparents and children to parents and then grandparents to children and grandchildren. How fun it was to see all the looks on the children's faces when they opened their gifts, I was quite content sitting beside my friend and looking on.
But I was pulled to the front by his sister who handed me a gift from the family and I was referred to as, more or less, an honorary cousin. Opening the gift revealed a blanket. I would have to say that it was a symbol of all I felt the last two days. It was soft and warm, much like my feelings and heart during this time of year that is hard to find oneself away from family.
On a fun note, I also got to do something else I had never done before. That is right. I, Cassidy, was aloud to wield a snow-blower. After Christmas Eve dinner (another delicious and surprisingly warm and welcoming family affair during which we shared our musical talents and even I, the guest, was given the invitation to sing for them), since it had been snowing practically all day, we needed to clear the driveway for the sake of safe parking and such. So I was in charge of getting as much as the top snow loosened off the drive with the lawnmower-like snow-blower. My hands were an amazing shade of pink by the end but, oh, was it worth it! (A side note- I even got to choose the Christmas Eve movie and I chose the Polar Express!)
In much shorter terms, I had a beautiful blast of an experience the last two days and I am thankful I made the choice and am also thankful the Lord moved the hearts of this family to take me in to their home during such a busy time of their year.
So. I remember just a few blog posts ago promising I would never talk of boys again until something happened... well...
Haha! Okay, so nothing has changed as far as my status goes but one of the gifts I received from my parents was a talk on CD by John Bytheway entitled What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single: How to Do Life as a Young Adult. I will admit that I was a tad embarrassed to open this in front of the family I had just become acquainted with but I listened to it just a little while ago and you know what? It was brilliant! Not only was it full of humor, the way Brother Bytheway is apt to be when he speaks to young adults (and the youth as well), but it was full of great quotes from apostles and other authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints along with his opinions and also scripture references from all the standard works (yes, even the Bible was used for those outside the Church). I would most definitely recommend it to any of my other single friends (and even those who are not my friends, haha).
It started out with a metaphor Brother Bytheway came up with himself. It goes roughly like this: a single, unattached, adult is sitting at a piano. Before them sits a duet. It is titled "Marriage". Looking at the piece, you can tell it will be most beautiful. Yet, it is a duet and thus needs two people, and 4 hands to play. As the would be player sits there, someone approaches and asks, "Why are you not playing the song?" The response: "I would, but unless someone chooses to play it with me, I cannot." The someone replies with some remark along the lines of the player just not trying hard enough, or lacking faith, or even (dare they say it) the player is being "too picky". And then... they walk away. Others follow in suit, say much the same thing with their "all knowing" opinions and walk away.
I loved this metaphor because of its use of the piano and duets because it is something I understand and completely relate to.
How many times have I or others I know been approached and asked why we are not married? I probably could not count the many of times on my two hands. The wonderful thing about the first part of Brother Bytheway's talk is the realization he gives that marriage is not something we can do alone (it is one of the few ordinances of gospel in which we need another person to fulfill the commandment). It truly does not matter how many times you fast and pray to find out who the one you end up with will be if they do not use their own agency to choose you in the end, too.
He continues on to talk about how we should not sit in our rooms all day and bemoan our singlehood. Find happiness in being single! Show the world that you can be interesting by yourself! (Funny how my parents have been telling me this all my life... heh) It is not attractive to sit around and talk about being single with every breath and every conversation. Go out and live your life. Give yourself opportunities by being around people and having contact with new people so that you have not wasted your time in your sadness.
Another point he made was how it is never a question of "Did I miss my chance?" but rather simply relying on God's timing and His knowing of what you need a given time of your life. Heavenly Father is always mindful of His children and will guide you if you let Him. You have to stop worrying about what you cannot control and simply work with what you can. Be a better person. Improve upon yourself every day. Find those things that might not be as attractive (in Brother Bytheway's example a lack of listening to what people are saying directly to you) and learn how you can change them and become a better you.
In short, if you are doing all that you can to just be you and grow the way the Lord wishes for you to do since you chose to come to this earth, it will work out. But of course, there is the little matter of agency. Not only the agency of those who you would marry but yourself as well.
The last part I want to comment on is the section where Brother Bytheway talked of finally finding the person you marry. Many people say that you must have a confirmation from the Lord if you are to marry someone. Therefore some pray about the person they have found and rely upon the Lord to give them a definitive yes or no... but his belief, which I also share is this: that you must study the decision out in your own mind first, make the choice and then lay it before the Lord. Sometimes you will not get a definitive yes. But who knows? I have heard it both ways.
The Lord has given us the agency. We choose. We choose whom we marry. The Lord does not choose for us. And although that is a terrifying thought, at the same time it brings me comfort. I don't have to rely on a guy to tell me it is right because I can get my own confirmation. However, along with this choice we need to think about the people that we are dating. You have heard of the saying "you are what you eat". Well, applying it here, you marry who you date. True words, right?
If you know that you don't want to marry a particular guy, do not date him. Sometimes I find myself going on dates to see if it could work out but I have always kept my head and made this promise to myself: if I do not feel that I could marry them (even if it is a shallow reason) I will not continue to date them. Not even casually. It may hurt them when I say no when we're "only at the beginning" but is not that better than continuing the game and hurting them even more in the long run? I don't find any use in it. Honesty should be the first thing on your mind when you go to date someone. If you don't really feel it, then don't do it! What do I mean? If there is no meaning behind holding their hand or giving them a kiss then do not do it. It might not be such a big deal to you but we are always communicating even in the silence.
Of course I do not expect everyone to be honest but at the same time, I do catch myself on the verge of being dishonest in my feelings and therefore am continually striving to be better and more honest in my affections. I do not know if there is anyone that I have really hurt recently in the realm of dating but if there is, I apologize and hope that you would see me as I am. Striving just as everyone else is to be a better person.
Lastly... to my future husband. I love you and hope, pray and strive so that once we choose one another I might not let you down.
And again, I am grateful to all those who have supported me this last year and especially recently with gifts of love, time and friendship. It truly means the world to me.
15 December 2012
Thoughts and Stuff
So, school has come to an end, finals are over and done with and now I look ahead to three weeks of academic break. For the sake of holding on to my student status, I have signed up for a dance class this next winter but seeing as I am merely on the waiting list, I still have three weeks to decide whether I will actually pursue this class.
That aside...
I got the chance to go with my friends to their grandparents' home (for support, you see... it was my friend's first time meeting the family and seeing as she is dating the younger brother, I was invited to "save face"... not too bad, seeing as I got a meal in exchange and a less lonely first day of break). There was quite a bit of the family to meet and it was fun to discover that... it was not awkward for me to be there. I mean usually when one goes to such an occasion, you feel all out of sorts but not so. Which made it easier for me to pay attention to those I was talking to.
At one time after the meal, a group of us were sitting in the living room and the topic turned to the miracles of God and how in times of war there tend to be more than our fare share of protection from above.
The grandpa shared a few miraculous stories with us and as I paid close attention to his story, I also watched his mannerisms and the set of his face, the pace of his words and even the way he would stop for a breath to settle into the next sentence.
It struck me. This man reminded me of my own granddad (meaning the grandpa on my mother's side) and it was a rather poignant moment.
You see... my granddad is not a member of the Church, never has been. The unfortunate deterioration of time and drinking has not worn well on him and it breaks my heart to feel distance between us that did not use to be there. But having served in the military as well as this other grandfather, I stopped to wonder... does he have stories like this? Would he pick up on such stories? And lastly, would he attribute the outcomes to the grace of God?
Looking at my friend's grandpa this is what I was struck with: this could have been my granddad if he had been a member.
To be honest, I have not given up entirely on the hope that he might eventually find interest and seek more earnestly after the Church but I fear it will not be in this life. I love visiting my granddad but I wish that I could hear such stories of war seen in the light of hope, faith and Christ as I saw in this grandpa. The testimony that he plainly bore in spirit, tone and even the plain words he used to express his belief was beautiful and mighty to behold.
It showed me the importance of my faith not just now but later in my life. Will my grandchildren be able to gather around me and hear of the faith and hope in my life stories through to tough times or will my testimony fall into disrepair?
With Christmas just around the corner, my heart is most quickly turned toward the "reason for the season", to quote the ol' cliche. And I want to say that I am most thankful for my belief in Jesus Christ and in His ultimate sacrifice that gives us the opportunity to live with Him and our Heavenly Father once more. I am also thankful for this belief and, yes, even knowledge especially when things such as the Connecticut shooting occur. I certainly pray for those families who have lost their little ones, for the comfort and strength to continue living. But I know that the Lord has gathered those little ones close to Him and they will experience His everlasting peace and happiness. They came here for what they needed most and will continue to grow under His eyes.
I bear this testimony to you. In the name of the Father's Begotten Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
That aside...
I got the chance to go with my friends to their grandparents' home (for support, you see... it was my friend's first time meeting the family and seeing as she is dating the younger brother, I was invited to "save face"... not too bad, seeing as I got a meal in exchange and a less lonely first day of break). There was quite a bit of the family to meet and it was fun to discover that... it was not awkward for me to be there. I mean usually when one goes to such an occasion, you feel all out of sorts but not so. Which made it easier for me to pay attention to those I was talking to.
At one time after the meal, a group of us were sitting in the living room and the topic turned to the miracles of God and how in times of war there tend to be more than our fare share of protection from above.
The grandpa shared a few miraculous stories with us and as I paid close attention to his story, I also watched his mannerisms and the set of his face, the pace of his words and even the way he would stop for a breath to settle into the next sentence.
It struck me. This man reminded me of my own granddad (meaning the grandpa on my mother's side) and it was a rather poignant moment.
You see... my granddad is not a member of the Church, never has been. The unfortunate deterioration of time and drinking has not worn well on him and it breaks my heart to feel distance between us that did not use to be there. But having served in the military as well as this other grandfather, I stopped to wonder... does he have stories like this? Would he pick up on such stories? And lastly, would he attribute the outcomes to the grace of God?
Looking at my friend's grandpa this is what I was struck with: this could have been my granddad if he had been a member.
To be honest, I have not given up entirely on the hope that he might eventually find interest and seek more earnestly after the Church but I fear it will not be in this life. I love visiting my granddad but I wish that I could hear such stories of war seen in the light of hope, faith and Christ as I saw in this grandpa. The testimony that he plainly bore in spirit, tone and even the plain words he used to express his belief was beautiful and mighty to behold.
It showed me the importance of my faith not just now but later in my life. Will my grandchildren be able to gather around me and hear of the faith and hope in my life stories through to tough times or will my testimony fall into disrepair?
With Christmas just around the corner, my heart is most quickly turned toward the "reason for the season", to quote the ol' cliche. And I want to say that I am most thankful for my belief in Jesus Christ and in His ultimate sacrifice that gives us the opportunity to live with Him and our Heavenly Father once more. I am also thankful for this belief and, yes, even knowledge especially when things such as the Connecticut shooting occur. I certainly pray for those families who have lost their little ones, for the comfort and strength to continue living. But I know that the Lord has gathered those little ones close to Him and they will experience His everlasting peace and happiness. They came here for what they needed most and will continue to grow under His eyes.
I bear this testimony to you. In the name of the Father's Begotten Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
03 December 2012
Not Much Here but the Rain
New month. I want to try a new font. Why? Because I can.
Welcome to December! How crazy is it that this year has flown by so fast? I cannot understand how time seems to slip faster and faster as I get older. Do you not remember when summer seemed forever? And counting down the days of December until Christmas was nigh unbearable?
It is scary, to be honest. This is the only life I can remember because of all that veil business before I was born and it makes my heart contract in pain to think of what will come next. I know all will be well but how does one get used to the idea of eternity? Think on it too much and your brain starts to spin and hurt and feel as though it just might have the flu.
It is crazy how much we look forward to events, taking it for granted that we will have another day to live. That we will always have time to postpone plans and adventures for some future tomorrow. It makes a person not want to miss a thing. On the other hand, if you are too worried about missing life, you end up missing it through all the worry. I guess the answer to this is all too cliche: live your life to the fullest everyday. But what is the fullest?
It probably changes from person to person much like truth or comfortable temperatures. So what does it mean to me?
I am not entirely sure but perhaps I can start answering this question little by little, starting with answering this question-- what is my idea of a perfect day?
Weather:
A nice 55-60 degrees Fahrenheit, cloudy with 85% chance of rain. Not too cold but just enough so to encourage a sweater and thick socks.
When would I wake?:
I have noticed that any day that I have woken up at 9 AM seems to end up being a good day, no matter when I went to bed the previous evening.
How would the day progress?:
Having awoken at 9 AM, I would probably pick up my scriptures, read a chapter and then move on to reading whatever other good piece of literature I had sitting beside my bed. Pulling myself out of bed in my warm pajamas, I would throw on a bathrobe for extra measure before hunting up the makings of French toast (complete with powdered sugar) and bacon, a glass of milk on the side.
After eating, I would hand wash the cooking tools, placing the plate, etc, in the dishwasher. I would gather the clothes I had picked up the morning before a take a warm shower, even taking the time to shave my legs. Seeing as on my perfect day my hair would be long again, I would brush through it and throw it into a bun. Maybe do makeup... but just maybe.
I would then make myself a cup of cocoa, wrap up in a blanket and with my lap top on my lap, I would write. I would write and write and write until I could absolutely write no more (which usually happens after 2 or so hours so I can stop to think about what should happen next), after which I would play on the piano for a refreshing time.
I suppose it would be roughly 3 PM at this point and, in an ideal time, it would be time to go to work-- from 3 PM to 8 PM. At either a restaurant or a book store.
After work, I would probably grab a bite to eat before heading over to various friend's apartments to chat amicably about how the day went and what our plans were for the weekend. We might even get a small group together to go to a Cocoa Bean Cafe for desserts after which (again in a perfect day) my love-interest of the time would suggest that we go for a walk. It would have finally started pouring encouraging us to bring an umbrella and walk arm in arm talking about everything and nothing with moments of companionable silence.
He would drop me off at my door by midnight or midnight 30, perhaps kiss my head during a hug and say he would see me the next day.
Yes. I daresay this would be my perfect day. However, if I had a day off, some of that afternoon time would be devoted to movies and naps and more visiting with friends and loved ones.
Welcome to December! How crazy is it that this year has flown by so fast? I cannot understand how time seems to slip faster and faster as I get older. Do you not remember when summer seemed forever? And counting down the days of December until Christmas was nigh unbearable?
It is scary, to be honest. This is the only life I can remember because of all that veil business before I was born and it makes my heart contract in pain to think of what will come next. I know all will be well but how does one get used to the idea of eternity? Think on it too much and your brain starts to spin and hurt and feel as though it just might have the flu.
It is crazy how much we look forward to events, taking it for granted that we will have another day to live. That we will always have time to postpone plans and adventures for some future tomorrow. It makes a person not want to miss a thing. On the other hand, if you are too worried about missing life, you end up missing it through all the worry. I guess the answer to this is all too cliche: live your life to the fullest everyday. But what is the fullest?
It probably changes from person to person much like truth or comfortable temperatures. So what does it mean to me?
I am not entirely sure but perhaps I can start answering this question little by little, starting with answering this question-- what is my idea of a perfect day?
Weather:
A nice 55-60 degrees Fahrenheit, cloudy with 85% chance of rain. Not too cold but just enough so to encourage a sweater and thick socks.
When would I wake?:
I have noticed that any day that I have woken up at 9 AM seems to end up being a good day, no matter when I went to bed the previous evening.
How would the day progress?:
Having awoken at 9 AM, I would probably pick up my scriptures, read a chapter and then move on to reading whatever other good piece of literature I had sitting beside my bed. Pulling myself out of bed in my warm pajamas, I would throw on a bathrobe for extra measure before hunting up the makings of French toast (complete with powdered sugar) and bacon, a glass of milk on the side.
After eating, I would hand wash the cooking tools, placing the plate, etc, in the dishwasher. I would gather the clothes I had picked up the morning before a take a warm shower, even taking the time to shave my legs. Seeing as on my perfect day my hair would be long again, I would brush through it and throw it into a bun. Maybe do makeup... but just maybe.
I would then make myself a cup of cocoa, wrap up in a blanket and with my lap top on my lap, I would write. I would write and write and write until I could absolutely write no more (which usually happens after 2 or so hours so I can stop to think about what should happen next), after which I would play on the piano for a refreshing time.
I suppose it would be roughly 3 PM at this point and, in an ideal time, it would be time to go to work-- from 3 PM to 8 PM. At either a restaurant or a book store.
After work, I would probably grab a bite to eat before heading over to various friend's apartments to chat amicably about how the day went and what our plans were for the weekend. We might even get a small group together to go to a Cocoa Bean Cafe for desserts after which (again in a perfect day) my love-interest of the time would suggest that we go for a walk. It would have finally started pouring encouraging us to bring an umbrella and walk arm in arm talking about everything and nothing with moments of companionable silence.
He would drop me off at my door by midnight or midnight 30, perhaps kiss my head during a hug and say he would see me the next day.
Yes. I daresay this would be my perfect day. However, if I had a day off, some of that afternoon time would be devoted to movies and naps and more visiting with friends and loved ones.
01 December 2012
10 Things
List ten things you would hope to be remembered for...
Wow. Well this has a plethora of possibilities. I will try to be realistic but it is a strange hour of the morning so I can make no promises. Haha!
1. My willingness to listen without judging. Honestly, I find it amusing how many people come and talk to me about their deep thoughts and hurts. I do not know what causes them to open up to me (which makes it hard to answer them when they ask why they would tell me when they do not normally share such things with others...) but whatever it is, I am grateful that I have it. It gives me the feeling of... purpose.
2. My writing. I am constantly working on something it would seem even though it is not always the same piece. To be completely truthful, I have at least 20 stories (if not more) floating about my computer memory and also saved on my little memory stick (I cannot as of right now remember what it is called... a jump drive?). I know people like my writing, the way I write and my ideas... it is simply a matter of sticking to the project and finishing a great work. Perhaps one of these days...
3. The good things I have said rather than the less thoughtful words that might slip from my tongue. I mean, lately there have often been times when I remember things that my parents or ecclesiastical leaders have said that have built me up or reminded me to stay on the right path. Although I might remember a few choice words that I would have wished never to have heard from my parents, they are not the first ones to cross my mind when someone asks me about my parents. Believe it or not (Mom), when this question comes up a flood of the good memories come and I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with such influence in my life that I can draw experience from for later when I may not know what else to do.
4. My hugs. I love hugs. I love to give hugs just about as much as I love to receive them. Why? Oh, it is a rather simple thing. Because I know how good I feel when someone stops to take the time to embrace me (even when I am having a good day and do not particularly NEED the uplift) I want to "spread the love" so to speak. It was rather confusing a few months back when a certain person I knew complained that my hugs were simply too much. I never really thought that one would need to change their hugs from person to person. I mean, sure, there are some people that I give more meaningful hugs to than others but I never would have thought that I would be told that my hugs were too overwhelming. Well, to each his own I suppose. But most others I hug love my hugs and I am good with that.
5. My constant smile. "Do your best not to frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile." I am not sure who said that but I remember hearing or reading it once in the eighth grade and it has stuck with me ever since. Not to say that I am always smiling for I have down days just like everyone else, but how much easier it is to smile and how much more uplifting it is when you trigger smiles in those around you! Side story-- I always found it funny in my Leadership class back in high school how, on those days when I was not displaying my usual sunny smile, my teacher would take one look at me, ask if I was okay and promptly tell me that I could take it easy that day and continue down the line of students making assignments for this or that (this also was the case whenever Maria was not in attendance but you know...). So apparently, when I smile I look healthier and of a better mood. Weird, I know. Haha! But really, I love the feeling that comes through smiling at others and getting a response that is in kind with what you have given. It simply makes the world go 'round.
6. My love of Christmas and all things pertaining to the season that surrounds the holiday. Sure, Scrooge may have made history with his "Bah, humbug!" ways but how much better would it be to be known for loving Christmas always? Not letting oneself be completely let down if the traditions that you have grown up with are not seen to, or if you did not get what you "wanted" for Christmas. To be sure, I love all the gift giving and cookie frosting and family time that usually happens around this time of year but I pray that I never lose sight of the real "reason for the season". Really. Think of it. Without Christ having been born, we would not have Christmas (or if we did, I doubt it would have quite the same spirit around it). Every one with a birthday (which of course means everyone, period) is worth celebrating and how fitting that on this one birthday of the year, that celebrates the birth of the One who came to Earth and gave it all, we would celebrate it by giving gifts to each other and not just to one person. It is an act of service, I think, and in doing such we are serving Christ if we are doing our giving in love and the Spirit of Christ(mas). I cannot express to you how much it pains me to not have enough to give to everyone I love but I know that someday, somehow I will have the means and at that time I hope to give my all, my whole heart along with those thoughts and gifts.
7. My cookies. Laugh if you will but I know that some of my favorite memories of my Grandma (my dad's mom) are of the times she would make food for my family and me. For example: when we would be in Arcata/Eureka for a Sunday, after we went to church, we would go to her's and Grandpa's home and could pretty much bank on the fact that she had made a fresh loaf of white bread on which she would put generous helpings of egg salad and cut them in half for us. It was a simple thing but the love in it is what made it so memorable. I love my Grandma and miss her. She always remembered that I did not especially like Snickers (although everyone else in the family loved them) and thus when she and Grandpa would come to visit she would bring a bag of Snickers and a bag of Milkyways. "Remember that Cassidy gets the most Milkyways," she would always say before putting the bags on the table for us to omnom on to our hearts' content (or at least until Mom drew the line). It truly broke my little 11 year old heart (if I remember the time correctly) the first time Grandpa came to visit after Grandma's passing. He brought one bag of candy and remembered that "everyone" loved Snickers. He tried so hard to fill both his own shoes and those left by Grandma that I could not turn down the offered candy making sure to eat two or three in his sight and thank him for them. (Eventually I acclimated and started to like Snickers.) I cannot wait to see them again.
8. My tender heart. I know, kind of opposite of the whole smiling thing but still. I am kind of ridiculously fragile at times. This does not always lead to tears but once my trust is broken or my good thoughts of a person are marred it is kind of hard to get back on good terms with me simply because I do not like to be hurt by the same person more than once (seeing as being hurt once is once too many). But of all my weaknesses, this would be the one I would not be so ashamed of people remembering.
9. My family. Why? Because, I would like to think that by the end of my days I would still have a good relationship with all my loved ones and have people know how much I love them and the reasons that I love them aside from their being the closest people to me.
10. My testimony.
Wow. Well this has a plethora of possibilities. I will try to be realistic but it is a strange hour of the morning so I can make no promises. Haha!
1. My willingness to listen without judging. Honestly, I find it amusing how many people come and talk to me about their deep thoughts and hurts. I do not know what causes them to open up to me (which makes it hard to answer them when they ask why they would tell me when they do not normally share such things with others...) but whatever it is, I am grateful that I have it. It gives me the feeling of... purpose.
2. My writing. I am constantly working on something it would seem even though it is not always the same piece. To be completely truthful, I have at least 20 stories (if not more) floating about my computer memory and also saved on my little memory stick (I cannot as of right now remember what it is called... a jump drive?). I know people like my writing, the way I write and my ideas... it is simply a matter of sticking to the project and finishing a great work. Perhaps one of these days...
3. The good things I have said rather than the less thoughtful words that might slip from my tongue. I mean, lately there have often been times when I remember things that my parents or ecclesiastical leaders have said that have built me up or reminded me to stay on the right path. Although I might remember a few choice words that I would have wished never to have heard from my parents, they are not the first ones to cross my mind when someone asks me about my parents. Believe it or not (Mom), when this question comes up a flood of the good memories come and I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with such influence in my life that I can draw experience from for later when I may not know what else to do.
4. My hugs. I love hugs. I love to give hugs just about as much as I love to receive them. Why? Oh, it is a rather simple thing. Because I know how good I feel when someone stops to take the time to embrace me (even when I am having a good day and do not particularly NEED the uplift) I want to "spread the love" so to speak. It was rather confusing a few months back when a certain person I knew complained that my hugs were simply too much. I never really thought that one would need to change their hugs from person to person. I mean, sure, there are some people that I give more meaningful hugs to than others but I never would have thought that I would be told that my hugs were too overwhelming. Well, to each his own I suppose. But most others I hug love my hugs and I am good with that.
5. My constant smile. "Do your best not to frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile." I am not sure who said that but I remember hearing or reading it once in the eighth grade and it has stuck with me ever since. Not to say that I am always smiling for I have down days just like everyone else, but how much easier it is to smile and how much more uplifting it is when you trigger smiles in those around you! Side story-- I always found it funny in my Leadership class back in high school how, on those days when I was not displaying my usual sunny smile, my teacher would take one look at me, ask if I was okay and promptly tell me that I could take it easy that day and continue down the line of students making assignments for this or that (this also was the case whenever Maria was not in attendance but you know...). So apparently, when I smile I look healthier and of a better mood. Weird, I know. Haha! But really, I love the feeling that comes through smiling at others and getting a response that is in kind with what you have given. It simply makes the world go 'round.
6. My love of Christmas and all things pertaining to the season that surrounds the holiday. Sure, Scrooge may have made history with his "Bah, humbug!" ways but how much better would it be to be known for loving Christmas always? Not letting oneself be completely let down if the traditions that you have grown up with are not seen to, or if you did not get what you "wanted" for Christmas. To be sure, I love all the gift giving and cookie frosting and family time that usually happens around this time of year but I pray that I never lose sight of the real "reason for the season". Really. Think of it. Without Christ having been born, we would not have Christmas (or if we did, I doubt it would have quite the same spirit around it). Every one with a birthday (which of course means everyone, period) is worth celebrating and how fitting that on this one birthday of the year, that celebrates the birth of the One who came to Earth and gave it all, we would celebrate it by giving gifts to each other and not just to one person. It is an act of service, I think, and in doing such we are serving Christ if we are doing our giving in love and the Spirit of Christ(mas). I cannot express to you how much it pains me to not have enough to give to everyone I love but I know that someday, somehow I will have the means and at that time I hope to give my all, my whole heart along with those thoughts and gifts.
7. My cookies. Laugh if you will but I know that some of my favorite memories of my Grandma (my dad's mom) are of the times she would make food for my family and me. For example: when we would be in Arcata/Eureka for a Sunday, after we went to church, we would go to her's and Grandpa's home and could pretty much bank on the fact that she had made a fresh loaf of white bread on which she would put generous helpings of egg salad and cut them in half for us. It was a simple thing but the love in it is what made it so memorable. I love my Grandma and miss her. She always remembered that I did not especially like Snickers (although everyone else in the family loved them) and thus when she and Grandpa would come to visit she would bring a bag of Snickers and a bag of Milkyways. "Remember that Cassidy gets the most Milkyways," she would always say before putting the bags on the table for us to omnom on to our hearts' content (or at least until Mom drew the line). It truly broke my little 11 year old heart (if I remember the time correctly) the first time Grandpa came to visit after Grandma's passing. He brought one bag of candy and remembered that "everyone" loved Snickers. He tried so hard to fill both his own shoes and those left by Grandma that I could not turn down the offered candy making sure to eat two or three in his sight and thank him for them. (Eventually I acclimated and started to like Snickers.) I cannot wait to see them again.
8. My tender heart. I know, kind of opposite of the whole smiling thing but still. I am kind of ridiculously fragile at times. This does not always lead to tears but once my trust is broken or my good thoughts of a person are marred it is kind of hard to get back on good terms with me simply because I do not like to be hurt by the same person more than once (seeing as being hurt once is once too many). But of all my weaknesses, this would be the one I would not be so ashamed of people remembering.
9. My family. Why? Because, I would like to think that by the end of my days I would still have a good relationship with all my loved ones and have people know how much I love them and the reasons that I love them aside from their being the closest people to me.
10. My testimony.
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