It is quite something when you realize that, although you do not write everyday in your blog, that simply because you have a set of questions to answer the posts come along more quickly and willingly than when you simply sit down to write what is immediately going on in your life. Or at least that is how it is for me.
I never thought that I would grow up to be such a private person as far as my life goes. I mean, some days it feels like I am telling the whole world my problems but then I sit back and reassess things and realize that there are certain people I tell certain things to and that is that. Believe it or not, my desire to ASK has grown quite a lot and my desire to TALK has decreased (although I cannot say it has quite diminished for I do like to have my share of the conversation [thought of Pride and Prejudice just now...]).
Sure, I probably do not ask all the questions that most people would expect me to when I first meet people (my mom was always curious as to why I did not know how many siblings my friends had or what their parents did for a living, et cetera... it aggravated her sometimes, haha) but I often have to restrain myself from positively peppering them. Then, of course, there are those few who seem to keep my conversational ball rolling and I simply cannot suppress the tide of ideas and opinions I want to convey.
Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent, lets make an acute turn to the topic of the day.
What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
My reasoning.
Although, this is probably true among everyone. The way I come about establishing my conclusions and opinions on various subjects is a very... vexing matter. Even to me and I have to live with myself. I say this because it is not simply my head telling me what to do but my heart and, yes, even my gut feelings. The choices I make are not always easy to explain and most often than not I would rather keep my decision making process to myself. Perhaps this is so that others cannot find fault in me and tell me how I should "look at it" or whatever you want to call it.
I know at times it is important to let people in on what you are thinking and I really do try now and again to let them in. But often, if I want your opinion on a subject or situation, I will ask for it. I understand that this is not always the most comfortable or ideal situation for those around me but I am my own person and am prone to be weak and make mistakes.
I am grateful when people see me struggle and put their two cents in and I often take the advice and use it where I deem applicable but there are those times when I feel that I have made the right choice and I will fight for it.
Sure this may come off as prideful at times but I figure if that is truly the case, God will hedge up the way somewhere so that I can see the error of my ways and try again and work on things properly, being always mindful of His will and wishes for me.
But aside from my reasoning...
My heart.
I remember my mom once saying how thankful she was to certain persons being in my life and bracing me up, protecting me from those who would hurt me because my random moments of tenderheartedness. (Wow, that is a long word.)
I am one of those people who, if I find someone I want to love, gives their all into making it work. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the man who can handle that much devotion (haha) but I figure whoever it is will have a great capacity to receive love just as I have a great capacity to give love.
Some see me as naive for being so willing to love people and at times I would have to agree with them because there have been a good handful of times when it just has not worked out for one reason or another and I am left heartbroken afterward until I pull myself together and remind myself that it is simply another bend in the road of life and one day there will be no more corners in certain aspects of my life.
My favorite love song of all time would have to be as follows:
When I fall in love, it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart, it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment that I see that
You feel that way too
Is when I'll fall in love with you
So here is to you, young lovers, wherever you are. Do not give up hope. All things will work out in the end if you are willing to take the risk.
30 November 2012
28 November 2012
Of Love and Christmas
What is your love language?
So, yes, I decided that I would actually go to Google and looked up the actual Love Language Profile quiz so that I could see where I am currently. My results are as follows:
11 Quality Time
6 Physical Touch
5 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
As I read the preview description, I read that 12 is the highest score you can get on any one of the love languages so to find that I had an 11 was actually pretty exciting to me. I really encourage anyone to go and take the quiz just because it is so interesting.
Anyway, back to my personal love language-- Quality Time. This is the site's description:
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
I cannot believe how accurate this is in describing me! In all of my experiences with relationships (romantic and not), I have always been surprised and sometimes truly hurt when a person says that they cannot give me what I need. When asked to elaborate, no one really cares to and it makes me wonder if it is the way I act. I am a rather touchy feely person (although, just so you know, in the description of Physical Touch as a love language these people aren't necessarily touchy) and welcome hugs from just about anyone. (Except for in acting class... I have no idea why, but it bothers me for people to touch me while I am acting... perhaps because there is a committed audience...?)
In other words, when I enjoy a person's company or their personality, I tend to show them and I suppose for some people this might translate into something they personally cannot handle more of-- perhaps because they are inexperienced/never been kissed or are simply not comfortable with touch.
But I must admit that whenever someone tells me upfront that they cannot give what I apparently "need" I always follow it up with this, "It really doesn't take that much to make me happy. Just a little time in your day, even if it's just 5 minutes where you talk to me and actually pay attention..."
You would not believe what a difference this makes!
On a side note, about two years ago now, I was talking with my Aunt Rene and was taken off guard when, after she had asked a question, she would look at me directly and really make a concentrated effort to listen to my answer. At first, I was a little uncomfortable under the assessing gaze but stopping to think about it, I realized I really appreciated and loved that undivided attention. (I have even taken to the habit in my conversations with others.)
I love spending time with people one on one because it helps me get a feel for who they really are. I mean, it is great to see them in group situations as well, but there are some questions that really pique my curiosity that are better asked when only the two of you are listening to the answer. When I ask questions, I try to ask them in such a way that the answerer won't feel pressured into answering them. Why? Because there are some questions I, too, wish I didn't have to answer either because it is a private thing or I simply do not know the answer. But I do love answering questions. I ask hoping that they will reciprocate and ask me to answer their curiosities as they have answered mine.
Sometime last week, I actually had a date planned. I cannot tell you how excited I was and how much I looked forward to it. Even after I was told that the boy just wanted to be friends, I figured we would still go with simply the intent of becoming better friends. Quite frankly, the absolute cancelling of a date is incredibly damaging to my spirits. It is one thing to postpone it because at least then, the anticipation I had for the first planning can only become bigger and more glowing for when the date finally comes.
But no. This was cancelled. No words of, "maybe next week" accompanied his half apology. What was worse? The fact that although he said he would be willing to talk it out, he had already made up his mind and it would have been a waste of my time because he had no intention of listening to me.
When someone simply flat out decides not to listen to me... it makes me wonder what kind of person they were to begin with. Did they really like me? Or did they simply like the idea?
Anyway, the point here is this: if you want to show your love for me, take some time out of your day (or perhaps for those truly busy people, your week) to spend some one on one time with me. No distractions. Listen. And I will put a plug in here according to my personal preference, talk to me. I want to hear about you! How things are going. For those I don't know well, your likes and dislikes. If I reach out to you in any way it is because I want to know you, talk to you, see you. I never reach out to people at random in hopes that you will pass just a few minutes with me.
Take the quiz yourself and tell me what your love language is so that I can properly speak to you.
On a completely different note (but then somehow relatable, I am sure)-- November is almost over and dovetailing into December. To be honest, I am just like a kid at this time of year. I think about all the things that I want/need and compile a list so that anyone who wants to can give me a gift to basically convey the love they had for me throughout the year.
However, I also cannot wait for the day when I can truly reciprocate to my loved ones. It kills me, being out here on my own but not having enough to buy and send Christmas presents to my family and closest friends.
This year, however, it isn't really a list of wants but rather needs. Yes, there will be some articles of clothing asked for but believe you me, it is because other articles are being worn out, etc. But here it is. A look into my life according to what I would be most thankful to receive this year if I am to receive anything.
1. Money. Why? Groceries and other things like medicine that need to be purchased at the grocery store.
2. Pants. Why? Incredibly, although I am not growing, pants don't last forever and tend to wear where they cannot be fixed. (Last time I checked, I am size 10 in Juniors... however I have lost a little weight lately so I may go try on some of the usual pants I get to see if I am still a 10.)
3. Zip-up hoodie in neutral color (either black, grey or white). Why? As much as I love my hot pink pullover hoodie... it doesn't match everything if you understand me.
4. Layering tank tops. Why? Just like pants, I may not be growing, but they get worn out. Medium.
5. Words of encouragement. Why? It's kind of tough out here.
That is really it for my needs. A small want would be make-up--specifically brown eye-liner but hey, I can get by with black if I need to.
Yep. That is it.
I love you for reading this and taking a personal interest in the goings on in my life and mind. Thank you.
So, yes, I decided that I would actually go to Google and looked up the actual Love Language Profile quiz so that I could see where I am currently. My results are as follows:
11 Quality Time
6 Physical Touch
5 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
4 Acts of Service
As I read the preview description, I read that 12 is the highest score you can get on any one of the love languages so to find that I had an 11 was actually pretty exciting to me. I really encourage anyone to go and take the quiz just because it is so interesting.
Anyway, back to my personal love language-- Quality Time. This is the site's description:
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
I cannot believe how accurate this is in describing me! In all of my experiences with relationships (romantic and not), I have always been surprised and sometimes truly hurt when a person says that they cannot give me what I need. When asked to elaborate, no one really cares to and it makes me wonder if it is the way I act. I am a rather touchy feely person (although, just so you know, in the description of Physical Touch as a love language these people aren't necessarily touchy) and welcome hugs from just about anyone. (Except for in acting class... I have no idea why, but it bothers me for people to touch me while I am acting... perhaps because there is a committed audience...?)
In other words, when I enjoy a person's company or their personality, I tend to show them and I suppose for some people this might translate into something they personally cannot handle more of-- perhaps because they are inexperienced/never been kissed or are simply not comfortable with touch.
But I must admit that whenever someone tells me upfront that they cannot give what I apparently "need" I always follow it up with this, "It really doesn't take that much to make me happy. Just a little time in your day, even if it's just 5 minutes where you talk to me and actually pay attention..."
You would not believe what a difference this makes!
On a side note, about two years ago now, I was talking with my Aunt Rene and was taken off guard when, after she had asked a question, she would look at me directly and really make a concentrated effort to listen to my answer. At first, I was a little uncomfortable under the assessing gaze but stopping to think about it, I realized I really appreciated and loved that undivided attention. (I have even taken to the habit in my conversations with others.)
I love spending time with people one on one because it helps me get a feel for who they really are. I mean, it is great to see them in group situations as well, but there are some questions that really pique my curiosity that are better asked when only the two of you are listening to the answer. When I ask questions, I try to ask them in such a way that the answerer won't feel pressured into answering them. Why? Because there are some questions I, too, wish I didn't have to answer either because it is a private thing or I simply do not know the answer. But I do love answering questions. I ask hoping that they will reciprocate and ask me to answer their curiosities as they have answered mine.
Sometime last week, I actually had a date planned. I cannot tell you how excited I was and how much I looked forward to it. Even after I was told that the boy just wanted to be friends, I figured we would still go with simply the intent of becoming better friends. Quite frankly, the absolute cancelling of a date is incredibly damaging to my spirits. It is one thing to postpone it because at least then, the anticipation I had for the first planning can only become bigger and more glowing for when the date finally comes.
But no. This was cancelled. No words of, "maybe next week" accompanied his half apology. What was worse? The fact that although he said he would be willing to talk it out, he had already made up his mind and it would have been a waste of my time because he had no intention of listening to me.
When someone simply flat out decides not to listen to me... it makes me wonder what kind of person they were to begin with. Did they really like me? Or did they simply like the idea?
Anyway, the point here is this: if you want to show your love for me, take some time out of your day (or perhaps for those truly busy people, your week) to spend some one on one time with me. No distractions. Listen. And I will put a plug in here according to my personal preference, talk to me. I want to hear about you! How things are going. For those I don't know well, your likes and dislikes. If I reach out to you in any way it is because I want to know you, talk to you, see you. I never reach out to people at random in hopes that you will pass just a few minutes with me.
Take the quiz yourself and tell me what your love language is so that I can properly speak to you.
On a completely different note (but then somehow relatable, I am sure)-- November is almost over and dovetailing into December. To be honest, I am just like a kid at this time of year. I think about all the things that I want/need and compile a list so that anyone who wants to can give me a gift to basically convey the love they had for me throughout the year.
However, I also cannot wait for the day when I can truly reciprocate to my loved ones. It kills me, being out here on my own but not having enough to buy and send Christmas presents to my family and closest friends.
This year, however, it isn't really a list of wants but rather needs. Yes, there will be some articles of clothing asked for but believe you me, it is because other articles are being worn out, etc. But here it is. A look into my life according to what I would be most thankful to receive this year if I am to receive anything.
1. Money. Why? Groceries and other things like medicine that need to be purchased at the grocery store.
2. Pants. Why? Incredibly, although I am not growing, pants don't last forever and tend to wear where they cannot be fixed. (Last time I checked, I am size 10 in Juniors... however I have lost a little weight lately so I may go try on some of the usual pants I get to see if I am still a 10.)
3. Zip-up hoodie in neutral color (either black, grey or white). Why? As much as I love my hot pink pullover hoodie... it doesn't match everything if you understand me.
4. Layering tank tops. Why? Just like pants, I may not be growing, but they get worn out. Medium.
5. Words of encouragement. Why? It's kind of tough out here.
That is really it for my needs. A small want would be make-up--specifically brown eye-liner but hey, I can get by with black if I need to.
Yep. That is it.
I love you for reading this and taking a personal interest in the goings on in my life and mind. Thank you.
26 November 2012
Of Bodies and Gratitude
What is your favorite part of your body and why?
I am going to cheat on this question and name a couple of my favorite parts.
My feet. Jumping, dancing, strolling along the street. Especially dancing. I find such joy in dancing, grace somehow finds me and there are just so many things you can convey with the movement. I can dance with a partner or I can dance alone. I don't think I will ever be able to fully express my love of dance in the written word.
My hands. Without which I wouldn't be able to play the piano, I wouldn't be able to write, I wouldn't be able to hold the hands of those I love. They are also one of the pieces of me that came from my mom. The same long and slightly crooked fingers, my hands have character without being a hindrance to those things I love to do.
My eyes. I am thankful the Lord gave me a working pair. I get to experience the blessing of seeing the world in all of its color and majesty-- from the intricate workings of trees and their leaves to the colorful symmetry of a butterfly's wings. Although there are many bad sights in this world there is so much more beauty to outweigh it from nature to the smiles on the faces of people passing by. "Friends shaking hands, saying, 'How do you do?' They're really saying, 'I love you.'" I love that I can see these things and also the reaction that others have when I smile at them unexpectedly. Plus, a good friend once described my brown eyes as golden with a hint of green, like a summer day. It was rather poetic and I will never forget it.
That aside--- my lips that I can work into a smile to show that I am well pleased with the body I have. It may not be perfect, but it's exactly what I need to live this life and my loving Father is the one who gave it to me.
I am going to cheat on this question and name a couple of my favorite parts.
My feet. Jumping, dancing, strolling along the street. Especially dancing. I find such joy in dancing, grace somehow finds me and there are just so many things you can convey with the movement. I can dance with a partner or I can dance alone. I don't think I will ever be able to fully express my love of dance in the written word.
My hands. Without which I wouldn't be able to play the piano, I wouldn't be able to write, I wouldn't be able to hold the hands of those I love. They are also one of the pieces of me that came from my mom. The same long and slightly crooked fingers, my hands have character without being a hindrance to those things I love to do.
My eyes. I am thankful the Lord gave me a working pair. I get to experience the blessing of seeing the world in all of its color and majesty-- from the intricate workings of trees and their leaves to the colorful symmetry of a butterfly's wings. Although there are many bad sights in this world there is so much more beauty to outweigh it from nature to the smiles on the faces of people passing by. "Friends shaking hands, saying, 'How do you do?' They're really saying, 'I love you.'" I love that I can see these things and also the reaction that others have when I smile at them unexpectedly. Plus, a good friend once described my brown eyes as golden with a hint of green, like a summer day. It was rather poetic and I will never forget it.
That aside--- my lips that I can work into a smile to show that I am well pleased with the body I have. It may not be perfect, but it's exactly what I need to live this life and my loving Father is the one who gave it to me.
20 November 2012
Patience, Airplanes and Notions
"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Oh, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, I dearly hope you are right. I mean, sure, I have experienced such a fruit from the bitterest of patience but is it always true? I suppose it probably is although we can never be sure what seed we have sewn until it grows and produces the fruit-- for both apples and pears are sweet.
So what has called my attention to patience? Oh, just about everything that goes on in my life, to be honest. From school to work, from my calling to my more personal relationships... I cannot help but feel that more oftener than not, each of these are up in the air simultaneously and I have to find the best possible way and order in which to catch them lest the heaviest fall faster than I anticipate and thus miss the mark.
I am finding, however, that more and more people seem to be excelling at this virtue especially in regards to me. It warms me from within when someone takes the time to talk things out with me regarding one thing or another so that I might do better in my service and can also understand the direction in which they are traveling and have invited me to partake in.
I have been told to work on my patience and work I have although some may not see the fruits of my labors. Trust me, they are great and I am glad to see where I have come from and who I have the gumption and possibility of being in the end.
Now that I have had my rant, this weekend was a tad long but worth it. One of my best friends got married to the man of her dreams and I am glad to see what life has in store for them. I also had the chance to catch up with an old high school friend of mine and share in some news that was a long time coming.
Someone was definitely looking out for me when as I was attempting to get through airport security that I had remembered to pack my student ID (though, since I would not be working, I had no expected use for it). Turns out that this time they actually caught and told me that my license had expired earlier on this year. The first time going through... oooh the lady was mean. I felt so very, very small as she explained to my "simpleton" self that it was a big problem. I was prompted to ask if my college student ID would do... it did and, after sternly and coldly telling me I ought to get an updated ID, she let me through.
The guy on the way back smiled kindly when I asked if my student ID would help and he told me it was good of me to have both for without both he would not have been able to let me on but again reminded me that I should probably take care of it as soon as I could.
So yes... I need to get to the DMV even if I have to ride the wild bus.
Aside from that little... glitch... it went quite well and I feel that it was just what I needed before plunging into the coming Utah winter. Do not misunderstand, I am still not looking forward to all the snow and cold ahead of me but it will be a little more bearable since I got a small break from the bubble, if you will.
Now onto the question that I do not feel like answering, in all honesty, but will anyway-- What popular notion do you think the world has the most wrong?
That "we were born this way" or in other words "God made me this way on purpose". It may work for some things (aka actual mental or physical disorders) but I disagree when it comes to same gender attraction. Now I am not saying that there isn't a predisposition in some of us to lean more toward our gender rather than the opposite, but it is a choice whether you act on it or not.
Some people have a tendency to obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, and other addictions but it all depends on your choice. Now, beyond the choice you make, that is your own agency working for you and I hope it makes you happy in some way, but it is not something you "just are". It is either something you are willing to fight against or something that you give into because it is simply easier that way.
I do have gay friends, I will admit, but I do believe it is their choice out of their predisposition. Because I have heard and seen those who have chosen to fight against it and find their own happiness either on their own or with a spouse of the opposite gender and a family of their own.
A few heavy thoughts and word, I realize, but I am not ashamed of what I have said.
Oh, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, I dearly hope you are right. I mean, sure, I have experienced such a fruit from the bitterest of patience but is it always true? I suppose it probably is although we can never be sure what seed we have sewn until it grows and produces the fruit-- for both apples and pears are sweet.
So what has called my attention to patience? Oh, just about everything that goes on in my life, to be honest. From school to work, from my calling to my more personal relationships... I cannot help but feel that more oftener than not, each of these are up in the air simultaneously and I have to find the best possible way and order in which to catch them lest the heaviest fall faster than I anticipate and thus miss the mark.
I am finding, however, that more and more people seem to be excelling at this virtue especially in regards to me. It warms me from within when someone takes the time to talk things out with me regarding one thing or another so that I might do better in my service and can also understand the direction in which they are traveling and have invited me to partake in.
I have been told to work on my patience and work I have although some may not see the fruits of my labors. Trust me, they are great and I am glad to see where I have come from and who I have the gumption and possibility of being in the end.
Now that I have had my rant, this weekend was a tad long but worth it. One of my best friends got married to the man of her dreams and I am glad to see what life has in store for them. I also had the chance to catch up with an old high school friend of mine and share in some news that was a long time coming.
Someone was definitely looking out for me when as I was attempting to get through airport security that I had remembered to pack my student ID (though, since I would not be working, I had no expected use for it). Turns out that this time they actually caught and told me that my license had expired earlier on this year. The first time going through... oooh the lady was mean. I felt so very, very small as she explained to my "simpleton" self that it was a big problem. I was prompted to ask if my college student ID would do... it did and, after sternly and coldly telling me I ought to get an updated ID, she let me through.
The guy on the way back smiled kindly when I asked if my student ID would help and he told me it was good of me to have both for without both he would not have been able to let me on but again reminded me that I should probably take care of it as soon as I could.
So yes... I need to get to the DMV even if I have to ride the wild bus.
Aside from that little... glitch... it went quite well and I feel that it was just what I needed before plunging into the coming Utah winter. Do not misunderstand, I am still not looking forward to all the snow and cold ahead of me but it will be a little more bearable since I got a small break from the bubble, if you will.
Now onto the question that I do not feel like answering, in all honesty, but will anyway-- What popular notion do you think the world has the most wrong?
That "we were born this way" or in other words "God made me this way on purpose". It may work for some things (aka actual mental or physical disorders) but I disagree when it comes to same gender attraction. Now I am not saying that there isn't a predisposition in some of us to lean more toward our gender rather than the opposite, but it is a choice whether you act on it or not.
Some people have a tendency to obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, and other addictions but it all depends on your choice. Now, beyond the choice you make, that is your own agency working for you and I hope it makes you happy in some way, but it is not something you "just are". It is either something you are willing to fight against or something that you give into because it is simply easier that way.
I do have gay friends, I will admit, but I do believe it is their choice out of their predisposition. Because I have heard and seen those who have chosen to fight against it and find their own happiness either on their own or with a spouse of the opposite gender and a family of their own.
A few heavy thoughts and word, I realize, but I am not ashamed of what I have said.
15 November 2012
Weddings, Corgis and Dancing
I am totally excited for this weekend! One of my best friends of all my life time is getting married on Friday (tomorrow) to her best male friend. Plus it will be nice to get out of the Utah bubble for a few days before the holidays hit and I am socked in with snow. I love having things to look forward to and so I am glad to know I have a date to look forward to when I get back to Provo... it makes the coming back a whole lot more bearable, don't you think?
However he didn't tell me what we would be doing because it is to be a surprise... good thing I like surprises.
Speaking of weddings and such of loved ones, my parents are celebrating their anniversary this weekend (my friend is getting married on their actual anniversary, which is cute, I think... not planned of course. I would have planned it that way personally... haha!) 27 years of marriage! Congratulations to my parents! I never realized that they didn't have my brother until about 2 years after they got married but hey, you learn something new everyday!
Their song is I Can't Help Falling in Love With You by the one and only Elvis Presley. Great song, if you ask me. Pandora has played it for me at least 15 times in the last two days. It must be a sign... of what, I have no idea!
Curses... I was going to write something here but I checked my facebook for a second and totally lost it... must have been a lie, as my mother always says. Oh yeah! (Yes, I did just sit here for 5 minutes hoping I would remember...) School is almost out! I cannot believe how quickly this semester has flown by! When I get back there will only be about 15 days of school left until our (strangely long) three week winter holidays. And I just checked... out of those 15 days... I only have three days of instruction left. How on earth can that be? I have no idea. It just feels like there is so much more that I can get out of this class but it's already ending before it began.
(Random note: if ever I get a dog, I want a corgi. No joke. They are the cutest dogs!)
I suppose I should get to the question of the day, no? Seeing as I'll be leaving for the airport in about an hour and a half.
So here it is---
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
I find it funny how it asks what we would eat! Not why we would want to eat with them. So, not having to explain myself...
I would want to have dinner with Jane Austen.
And we wouldn't just eat the food of those days (which from what I have seen is much like that of today... maybe a little less seasoned...?) but we would got to one of those town dances she was always writing about. What witty banter we might come up with regarding the couples or the size of the room, or those strange but attractive gentlemen in the corner.
That is about it! I cannot imagine my having enough time on the computer between now and Monday to write again so... until Monday (perhaps Tuesday). Have a splendiforous weekend and be safe!
Ciao :}
However he didn't tell me what we would be doing because it is to be a surprise... good thing I like surprises.
Speaking of weddings and such of loved ones, my parents are celebrating their anniversary this weekend (my friend is getting married on their actual anniversary, which is cute, I think... not planned of course. I would have planned it that way personally... haha!) 27 years of marriage! Congratulations to my parents! I never realized that they didn't have my brother until about 2 years after they got married but hey, you learn something new everyday!
Their song is I Can't Help Falling in Love With You by the one and only Elvis Presley. Great song, if you ask me. Pandora has played it for me at least 15 times in the last two days. It must be a sign... of what, I have no idea!
Curses... I was going to write something here but I checked my facebook for a second and totally lost it... must have been a lie, as my mother always says. Oh yeah! (Yes, I did just sit here for 5 minutes hoping I would remember...) School is almost out! I cannot believe how quickly this semester has flown by! When I get back there will only be about 15 days of school left until our (strangely long) three week winter holidays. And I just checked... out of those 15 days... I only have three days of instruction left. How on earth can that be? I have no idea. It just feels like there is so much more that I can get out of this class but it's already ending before it began.
(Random note: if ever I get a dog, I want a corgi. No joke. They are the cutest dogs!)
I suppose I should get to the question of the day, no? Seeing as I'll be leaving for the airport in about an hour and a half.
So here it is---
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
I find it funny how it asks what we would eat! Not why we would want to eat with them. So, not having to explain myself...
I would want to have dinner with Jane Austen.
And we wouldn't just eat the food of those days (which from what I have seen is much like that of today... maybe a little less seasoned...?) but we would got to one of those town dances she was always writing about. What witty banter we might come up with regarding the couples or the size of the room, or those strange but attractive gentlemen in the corner.
That is about it! I cannot imagine my having enough time on the computer between now and Monday to write again so... until Monday (perhaps Tuesday). Have a splendiforous weekend and be safe!
Ciao :}
12 November 2012
Finally...
Okay. I am finally returning to the 30 Things questions and with a quick peek back at the original blog post... we are on number 24 (almost wrote "numero" for some reason...) which reads like this:
Describe your family dynamic of your childhood versus your family dynamic now.
This is a rather strange one in my opinion seeing as I don't consciously think about what my family dynamic is on a regular basis.
But I suppose thinking about my childhood days, I was more likely to communicate clearly with my parents rather than my siblings. Of course, my clarity is rather relative for, to be honest, no one would be aware I was stressed about this thing or another until it was "too late" and I had a mental break down. However, when I needed advice I would, nine times out of ten, go directly to Mom. If I needed comforting without words I would go to Dad. If I wanted to be a pest, I would seek out my siblings--most often my older brother.
I am sure that my dynamic with Jerry was probably one of the most confusing, bi-polar relationships this world has ever seen. (Okay... maybe I exaggerate but moving on...) During the day, we were often mortal enemies, both the antagonist and protagonist in our turns. Cats vs dogs. Utah vs BYU. Sweet vs Sour! Maybe not that last one... but you get the picture right? Very square peg, very round hole as it were.
However, the moment you would turn off the lights I would often go and sleep on the floor in his room or, in later years, switch beds with Tommy and we would talk and talk and talk... we would talk, I suppose, very much like we did when we were young and sleeping in a bunk bed, Mikkaila just born and Tommy on the way. I don't know when it changed to a moonlight serenade, but it did and we were very akin to crickets and cicadas. I remember we would rationalize that if we stayed up until midnight on a Sunday then it would be Monday morning... in other words, it would be okay to play the Nintendo (or whatever version thereof that we had at that time).
Christmas Eve, we would often gather all 5 of us together into one room (something which we did almost three years ago now, this time joined by Sarah, my sister-in-law) and sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, after Santa had come of course, Jerry would be the first to wake and sneak to the stockings and he would inevitably wake me up so I could share his joy of the loot and encourage me to also look through my stocking.
Now, although we do not talk often, we talk about important things and calmly so... unless he cannot stand it any longer and throws a jab my way that I parry... like we did when we were teenagers but thankfully it doesn't seem to get as full blown now as it did then. Weird what growing up will do to you.
My three younger siblings in my earlier days were often cute to me but usually just a nuisance. I am sure I felt they were some type of squatter, coming in to steal my land. It is rather interesting to think of now because now there is nothing I would like better than to be in the same house (or, less drastic measures, the same town) as them so I could watch them grow up and mature.
We definitely get cuddlier as we grow older (although Tommy hasn't changed much at all in that regard... we're simply finally catching up with his loving nature and Mikkaila seems to be clinging to the standoff-ish but soon... very soon). I love when I go home and there is a race to see who can hug me first. But I daresay, Alex hugs me the most when I am home, often just sitting beside me with her arms about me (and of course I reciprocate or that would be just unnecessarily mean and awkward...) and I am thankful for it.
As a whole, I was close to my family then and I am close to my family now. The dynamic and direction of the closeness may have changed over the years (especially now that I am not physically close to them although my physical appearance continues to be) but it will forever be true, I believe, that we are close and love one another very much... even if we don't communicate it well or as clearly or properly as we would like.
Now that I have written a lengthy description as per the question's wishes, I see what an interesting query this is. I would love to see it from the perception of my parents or even any of my siblings (for some reason, especially Alex... maybe because I'm toward the top of the "food chain" whilst she sits at the bottom).
Lastly... I realize that my dynamic as a big sister hasn't really ever changed. I'm sure in some things I am still looked to as an example (whether that be good or bad is probably varied) but I will always be Mom and Dad's first baby girl. And you know what? I am okay with that.
Describe your family dynamic of your childhood versus your family dynamic now.
This is a rather strange one in my opinion seeing as I don't consciously think about what my family dynamic is on a regular basis.
But I suppose thinking about my childhood days, I was more likely to communicate clearly with my parents rather than my siblings. Of course, my clarity is rather relative for, to be honest, no one would be aware I was stressed about this thing or another until it was "too late" and I had a mental break down. However, when I needed advice I would, nine times out of ten, go directly to Mom. If I needed comforting without words I would go to Dad. If I wanted to be a pest, I would seek out my siblings--most often my older brother.
I am sure that my dynamic with Jerry was probably one of the most confusing, bi-polar relationships this world has ever seen. (Okay... maybe I exaggerate but moving on...) During the day, we were often mortal enemies, both the antagonist and protagonist in our turns. Cats vs dogs. Utah vs BYU. Sweet vs Sour! Maybe not that last one... but you get the picture right? Very square peg, very round hole as it were.
However, the moment you would turn off the lights I would often go and sleep on the floor in his room or, in later years, switch beds with Tommy and we would talk and talk and talk... we would talk, I suppose, very much like we did when we were young and sleeping in a bunk bed, Mikkaila just born and Tommy on the way. I don't know when it changed to a moonlight serenade, but it did and we were very akin to crickets and cicadas. I remember we would rationalize that if we stayed up until midnight on a Sunday then it would be Monday morning... in other words, it would be okay to play the Nintendo (or whatever version thereof that we had at that time).
Christmas Eve, we would often gather all 5 of us together into one room (something which we did almost three years ago now, this time joined by Sarah, my sister-in-law) and sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, after Santa had come of course, Jerry would be the first to wake and sneak to the stockings and he would inevitably wake me up so I could share his joy of the loot and encourage me to also look through my stocking.
Now, although we do not talk often, we talk about important things and calmly so... unless he cannot stand it any longer and throws a jab my way that I parry... like we did when we were teenagers but thankfully it doesn't seem to get as full blown now as it did then. Weird what growing up will do to you.
My three younger siblings in my earlier days were often cute to me but usually just a nuisance. I am sure I felt they were some type of squatter, coming in to steal my land. It is rather interesting to think of now because now there is nothing I would like better than to be in the same house (or, less drastic measures, the same town) as them so I could watch them grow up and mature.
We definitely get cuddlier as we grow older (although Tommy hasn't changed much at all in that regard... we're simply finally catching up with his loving nature and Mikkaila seems to be clinging to the standoff-ish but soon... very soon). I love when I go home and there is a race to see who can hug me first. But I daresay, Alex hugs me the most when I am home, often just sitting beside me with her arms about me (and of course I reciprocate or that would be just unnecessarily mean and awkward...) and I am thankful for it.
As a whole, I was close to my family then and I am close to my family now. The dynamic and direction of the closeness may have changed over the years (especially now that I am not physically close to them although my physical appearance continues to be) but it will forever be true, I believe, that we are close and love one another very much... even if we don't communicate it well or as clearly or properly as we would like.
Now that I have written a lengthy description as per the question's wishes, I see what an interesting query this is. I would love to see it from the perception of my parents or even any of my siblings (for some reason, especially Alex... maybe because I'm toward the top of the "food chain" whilst she sits at the bottom).
Lastly... I realize that my dynamic as a big sister hasn't really ever changed. I'm sure in some things I am still looked to as an example (whether that be good or bad is probably varied) but I will always be Mom and Dad's first baby girl. And you know what? I am okay with that.
11 November 2012
Gratitude... It is November, After All
It being November, I have seen many a status reading of the gratitude of my friends toward those things that they feel they are most blessed with in their lives. A great exercise, I suppose. Especially seeing as if you do something consistently for a month it becomes habit-- I wonder if those who are participating in this current facebook trend will find it easier as the year continues past November to point out and consciously be grateful for blessings that come to them from day to day...
I for one have not been participating. Not because I am not grateful but merely because it does not really occur to me to tell the facebook world what I am thankful for from day to day. Not to knock on those who are participating. I say, power to you! Keep up the good work! It is simply not something that I see as pertinent for me to join in on. However, this post being dedicated to "gratitude", I will wrap it up with a list of things that I have taken note of in my life that I am thankful for.
But before I get to that I want to share my feelings of gratitude for one particular blessing-- that is, the blessing of Christ's Atonement for man. I was reading just now in 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon and a particular verse stuck out to me because I had highlighted it in some earlier year when it had first touched me. In short, it spoke of how the Lord has given us a way out of sin and out of the clutches of our demons so that we might know of His love and come unto Him. Without the Atonement, which gives us the opportunity to confess our sins and repent, then I and I suppose a few others out there would be totally lost. To be completely honest, I cannot even imagine the capacity of love Christ had to be able to give Himself fully unto the Father's will and sacrifice His life for us but I am grateful.
I am so thankful for the endless forgiveness that is available for me to take part in each day. Yes. I make mistakes. Every day. But that is okay as long as I am working toward being better and fixing those mistakes. It does not matter so much that you have made the mistake but rather what you do after that makes the difference.
Of the following things, I am most thankful:
"Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."
--Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude for the Goodness of God"
I for one have not been participating. Not because I am not grateful but merely because it does not really occur to me to tell the facebook world what I am thankful for from day to day. Not to knock on those who are participating. I say, power to you! Keep up the good work! It is simply not something that I see as pertinent for me to join in on. However, this post being dedicated to "gratitude", I will wrap it up with a list of things that I have taken note of in my life that I am thankful for.
But before I get to that I want to share my feelings of gratitude for one particular blessing-- that is, the blessing of Christ's Atonement for man. I was reading just now in 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon and a particular verse stuck out to me because I had highlighted it in some earlier year when it had first touched me. In short, it spoke of how the Lord has given us a way out of sin and out of the clutches of our demons so that we might know of His love and come unto Him. Without the Atonement, which gives us the opportunity to confess our sins and repent, then I and I suppose a few others out there would be totally lost. To be completely honest, I cannot even imagine the capacity of love Christ had to be able to give Himself fully unto the Father's will and sacrifice His life for us but I am grateful.
I am so thankful for the endless forgiveness that is available for me to take part in each day. Yes. I make mistakes. Every day. But that is okay as long as I am working toward being better and fixing those mistakes. It does not matter so much that you have made the mistake but rather what you do after that makes the difference.
Of the following things, I am most thankful:
- my family
- my friends
- my current job
- the fact that I was able to take at least one class this semester
- I got tickets to go to a Vocal Point Concert for free- and learned some valuable views there
- the snow cleared up before having to drive to Lehi this evening
- my relatively good health
- my talents
- my sight
- my hearing
- my ability to speak and communicate
- all the blankets I have received in past years--they are highly useful during Utah winters
- the examples of my "older sisters"
- the love that I have been able to enjoy and share
- running water that can be warm for showers and cool to slake thirst
- those moments of impeccable clarity that the Lord gives to my situation now and again
- the temple
- laughter
- hugs
- books
- sweaters and scarves
- shoes
- the ability I have to hold my peace/think of what I am going to say before spouting off
- music
- opportunities for growth even if they hurt at the moment
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas
"Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."
--Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude for the Goodness of God"
10 November 2012
Choose to Be Happy, Plan to Live with Joy
Welcome back!
So, I am going to take a different tack than I have been the last few posts (which I have been drawing from a list of 3o questions that are to help you get to know me, etc [aka, read some of my prior posts if you have no idea of what I speak and would like to know]). Instead of answering the next question, I would like to write on what has been weighing heavily on my mind the last couple of weeks (among other things to be certain, I am a woman after all).
What is this topic you ask? It is most simply this: how do I go about my life patiently waiting on the Lord's timing in respect to my eternal marriage?
The simplest answer I have been given is to not wait but rather continue on my way, planning my life, my studies, my general growth around me. It is not for me to worry at this point how I am going to fit a man into my plans. Not everything goes as we plan in the long run but it doesn't hurt to make plans. If needed, the Lord will help us change our plans to incorporate the one He has planned for us.
As I was looking for quotes to apply to the next question I am to answer (which will probably be in the next post) I stumbled upon a cornucopia of quotes said by Gordon B. Hinckley, the 15th prophet of the present day Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Oh, how I love President Hinckley! As most men that get to his age, he was very wise in the ways of life, the heart and goals. The first quote I stumbled upon that caused me to choose to write on this topic this morning is this:
“Through all of living have much joy and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
It really does seem like I don't enjoy life as much as when I am laughing and finding joy in those things and experiences and friends that I do have rather than worrying about what is to come next (or not going to come, whatever the case may be). Of course, there is a time and place to "worry" about the future but those are the times when I make my decisions on how I am going to approach the future.
A year or so ago, I was counseling with my Bishop about life in general and making goals and decisions, setting plans for my future. Something that he said has stuck with me ever since. He said, "As long as the decisions and choices you make are working within the parameters of the Lord's commandments and expectations of you, then you can't go wrong." I often struggle with making clear and decisive goals because of my own subconscious bombarding me with the fear of failure or that I will make a choice not within the bounds of the Lord's approval.
I have been taught time and again that one is supposed to make a decision, as well-informed as possible, before presenting it to Heavenly Father for approval. In other words, do not expect to go to the Lord and have Him tell you exactly which choice and path to follow. This isn't to say that He won't give more specific direction from time to time, however we were sent to this earth to practice and use our agency, free will, to make our own decisions and go through life.
Of course, there may come a time in my life when I will have to sit down and decide whether or not to marry the man who comes into my life and wishes to marry me. This, too, I feel is a decision that we must make on our own. After which "we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal." (Bruce R. McConkie, a past general authority of the Church) I know that this will be the way I go about such a decision because I do believe in McConkie's view which is as follows: “The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.”---the right person comes first, and I have witnessed the difference it makes to decide and ask the Lord rather than decide and move headstrong into the union without consulting the Lord.
I think President Hinckley's counsel on what man women should look for when he said the following---
“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.”
This instills in me the hope and faith that if a righteous man that fits the above description finds me and thinks on me enough to want to marry me and I then choose to agree to marriage, the Lord will not deny me as long as I am living as correctly as I know how. All things work out in the end... even if that end lies in the life after this.
To be honest, concerning most happenings and trials/troubles in my life, I usually turn to my parents to ask their advice when I feel at a crossroads in my mind. However, this time I turned to my aunt.
My parents were married when my mother was 19-- almost three years younger than I am right now. If I am right in my reckoning, she had already had my brother and I was on the way when she hit my age. Aside from the experiences she has heard of, she doesn't have the personal experience with the trial I feel I am going through right now. And of course, I am glad that she did not have to go through this particular feeling, for she had already endured much by the time she was my age.
Now, by no means do I find joy in the fact that my aunt is yet unmarried but I do joy in the fact that she is my aunt and that I have such an example of strength. I love her so much and I do not think I could ever express how much I appreciate the advice she has given me since the time I could really communicate with her and ask her of things of a spiritual and personal nature.
Rather haltingly (for I am sure it could be read in the way I wrote) I asked her how I was to handle my current situation. All around me my closest friends are getting engaged, married and having babies. Now, for most people, this is not a big deal but being a member of a church that so encourages marriage and where most people don't blink an eye when a girl gets married at 19, it seems a little more pointed and jagged when people look at you at the age of 21 and wonder (oft times aloud) why you don't at least have a serious boyfriend.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by quite a few friends and family who are considerate of this and remind me, (again) often, that I am still young and have plenty of time to enjoy life before leaping into marriage.
However, I still dread coming face to face with those who have known me most of my life at weddings and other such social functions where one is usually at least with a date and having to answer their questions of my current single status while we should be focusing solely on the happiness of those who have found their companion. I am sure half of them are only teasing, a good-natured poke, but nonetheless, it still hurts.
Why does it hurt? Why must I take it as such a personal offense instead of turning the jokes the other way and asking after their general health?
My aunt wrote something, that I at least found to be rather profound. It had to do with my feelings toward all of my friends getting married. She said that it isn't because we aren't happy for them but because we are sad for ourselves. However, the thought then came to her mind that we can be one or the other, we cannot be both. Therefore, we have to choose. It isn't a choice that we make once, but many times through our lives. Just like other principles taught by the gospel such as "will I read my scriptures today?", "did I think to pray this morning/night?", the principles of happiness are completely in our control.
It is our choice whether we will be happy or go through this life feeling sorry for ourselves.
“I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.” -Gordon B Hinckley
(Of course, I am sure the above quote could pertain to men as well but I really appreciate how directed it was at the women of the church.)
So, with the choice before me, what will it be?
Will I be happy and rejoice in the unions of my friends with those they will love for the rest of eternity?
Or will I be sad, bitter, and self-pitying about the Lord's timing and how it is working in my life?
Again, in the words of President Hinckley, "You can be smart and happy or you can be stupid and miserable. It's your choice." Therefore, I will choose to be happy. I know somewhere down the road I will probably need to make this choice again but that's okay. I am only 21 going on 22. I am still growing up. Until it becomes a seamless part of my life, I will make the choice every morning to stop waiting for HIM to show up and simply work on making myself a better person, working to support myself, work towards my own personal goals that can only make me a better person if I work within the Lord's will and parameters.
However, as a close to this blog, I feel I must work every bit of this subject out of my system. That's right. I am about to tell you the check list of qualities I will use to make my decisions when a serious minded man comes along and asks me to take a chance on him. Granted some of these might seem silly, but in my "limited" experience, they are each important for one reason or another. After this, I will do my best to write no more on this subject unless prompted to.
Lastly, these are in no particular order and some I will save to the last, not because they are the last to cross my mind but simply because... I can.
-patient
-kind
-good listener
-trusts me to support and listen to him
-considerate
-gentlemanly (opens car and building doors, walks on the street side, etc)
-does not scare me as he drives
So, I am going to take a different tack than I have been the last few posts (which I have been drawing from a list of 3o questions that are to help you get to know me, etc [aka, read some of my prior posts if you have no idea of what I speak and would like to know]). Instead of answering the next question, I would like to write on what has been weighing heavily on my mind the last couple of weeks (among other things to be certain, I am a woman after all).
What is this topic you ask? It is most simply this: how do I go about my life patiently waiting on the Lord's timing in respect to my eternal marriage?
The simplest answer I have been given is to not wait but rather continue on my way, planning my life, my studies, my general growth around me. It is not for me to worry at this point how I am going to fit a man into my plans. Not everything goes as we plan in the long run but it doesn't hurt to make plans. If needed, the Lord will help us change our plans to incorporate the one He has planned for us.
As I was looking for quotes to apply to the next question I am to answer (which will probably be in the next post) I stumbled upon a cornucopia of quotes said by Gordon B. Hinckley, the 15th prophet of the present day Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Oh, how I love President Hinckley! As most men that get to his age, he was very wise in the ways of life, the heart and goals. The first quote I stumbled upon that caused me to choose to write on this topic this morning is this:
“Through all of living have much joy and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
It really does seem like I don't enjoy life as much as when I am laughing and finding joy in those things and experiences and friends that I do have rather than worrying about what is to come next (or not going to come, whatever the case may be). Of course, there is a time and place to "worry" about the future but those are the times when I make my decisions on how I am going to approach the future.
A year or so ago, I was counseling with my Bishop about life in general and making goals and decisions, setting plans for my future. Something that he said has stuck with me ever since. He said, "As long as the decisions and choices you make are working within the parameters of the Lord's commandments and expectations of you, then you can't go wrong." I often struggle with making clear and decisive goals because of my own subconscious bombarding me with the fear of failure or that I will make a choice not within the bounds of the Lord's approval.
I have been taught time and again that one is supposed to make a decision, as well-informed as possible, before presenting it to Heavenly Father for approval. In other words, do not expect to go to the Lord and have Him tell you exactly which choice and path to follow. This isn't to say that He won't give more specific direction from time to time, however we were sent to this earth to practice and use our agency, free will, to make our own decisions and go through life.
Of course, there may come a time in my life when I will have to sit down and decide whether or not to marry the man who comes into my life and wishes to marry me. This, too, I feel is a decision that we must make on our own. After which "we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal." (Bruce R. McConkie, a past general authority of the Church) I know that this will be the way I go about such a decision because I do believe in McConkie's view which is as follows: “The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.”---the right person comes first, and I have witnessed the difference it makes to decide and ask the Lord rather than decide and move headstrong into the union without consulting the Lord.
I think President Hinckley's counsel on what man women should look for when he said the following---
“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.”
This instills in me the hope and faith that if a righteous man that fits the above description finds me and thinks on me enough to want to marry me and I then choose to agree to marriage, the Lord will not deny me as long as I am living as correctly as I know how. All things work out in the end... even if that end lies in the life after this.
To be honest, concerning most happenings and trials/troubles in my life, I usually turn to my parents to ask their advice when I feel at a crossroads in my mind. However, this time I turned to my aunt.
My parents were married when my mother was 19-- almost three years younger than I am right now. If I am right in my reckoning, she had already had my brother and I was on the way when she hit my age. Aside from the experiences she has heard of, she doesn't have the personal experience with the trial I feel I am going through right now. And of course, I am glad that she did not have to go through this particular feeling, for she had already endured much by the time she was my age.
Now, by no means do I find joy in the fact that my aunt is yet unmarried but I do joy in the fact that she is my aunt and that I have such an example of strength. I love her so much and I do not think I could ever express how much I appreciate the advice she has given me since the time I could really communicate with her and ask her of things of a spiritual and personal nature.
Rather haltingly (for I am sure it could be read in the way I wrote) I asked her how I was to handle my current situation. All around me my closest friends are getting engaged, married and having babies. Now, for most people, this is not a big deal but being a member of a church that so encourages marriage and where most people don't blink an eye when a girl gets married at 19, it seems a little more pointed and jagged when people look at you at the age of 21 and wonder (oft times aloud) why you don't at least have a serious boyfriend.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by quite a few friends and family who are considerate of this and remind me, (again) often, that I am still young and have plenty of time to enjoy life before leaping into marriage.
However, I still dread coming face to face with those who have known me most of my life at weddings and other such social functions where one is usually at least with a date and having to answer their questions of my current single status while we should be focusing solely on the happiness of those who have found their companion. I am sure half of them are only teasing, a good-natured poke, but nonetheless, it still hurts.
Why does it hurt? Why must I take it as such a personal offense instead of turning the jokes the other way and asking after their general health?
My aunt wrote something, that I at least found to be rather profound. It had to do with my feelings toward all of my friends getting married. She said that it isn't because we aren't happy for them but because we are sad for ourselves. However, the thought then came to her mind that we can be one or the other, we cannot be both. Therefore, we have to choose. It isn't a choice that we make once, but many times through our lives. Just like other principles taught by the gospel such as "will I read my scriptures today?", "did I think to pray this morning/night?", the principles of happiness are completely in our control.
It is our choice whether we will be happy or go through this life feeling sorry for ourselves.
“I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.” -Gordon B Hinckley
(Of course, I am sure the above quote could pertain to men as well but I really appreciate how directed it was at the women of the church.)
So, with the choice before me, what will it be?
Will I be happy and rejoice in the unions of my friends with those they will love for the rest of eternity?
Or will I be sad, bitter, and self-pitying about the Lord's timing and how it is working in my life?
Again, in the words of President Hinckley, "You can be smart and happy or you can be stupid and miserable. It's your choice." Therefore, I will choose to be happy. I know somewhere down the road I will probably need to make this choice again but that's okay. I am only 21 going on 22. I am still growing up. Until it becomes a seamless part of my life, I will make the choice every morning to stop waiting for HIM to show up and simply work on making myself a better person, working to support myself, work towards my own personal goals that can only make me a better person if I work within the Lord's will and parameters.
However, as a close to this blog, I feel I must work every bit of this subject out of my system. That's right. I am about to tell you the check list of qualities I will use to make my decisions when a serious minded man comes along and asks me to take a chance on him. Granted some of these might seem silly, but in my "limited" experience, they are each important for one reason or another. After this, I will do my best to write no more on this subject unless prompted to.
Lastly, these are in no particular order and some I will save to the last, not because they are the last to cross my mind but simply because... I can.
-patient
-kind
-good listener
-trusts me to support and listen to him
-considerate
-gentlemanly (opens car and building doors, walks on the street side, etc)
-does not scare me as he drives
my father may be a... crazier driver than my mom, but I have never questioned the safety of my life even though we have been in a big crash (circumstances were quite beyond his control)
-does not cause sick nerves (I don't mind butterflies)
-willing to communicate if something bothers him
-cuddly, will hug me until I am satisfied
-comforting--will not run even if I cry
-strong
-safe
-sure
-smart
-intelligent (yes, they are different...)
-willing to watch certain movies with me (I will reciprocate as long as it is within church standards)
-a good cook, even if it's just one specialty
-"take care" of spiders... even if he is afraid of them too
-willing to be spontaneous, but plans the important times
-thoughtful
-respect
-has direction
-passionate in what he does
-has an appreciation for music, books, theater
-encouraging
-uplifting
-comfortable silences
-meaningful talking
-a good standing, Priesthood holder in the church
-a strong testimony
08 November 2012
Hobbies, Not Hobbes
"Saving the world is only a hobby. Most of the time I do nothing."
- Edward Abbey
Ah, if only that were truly a hobby of mine. It would be tough, to be sure, but how very satisfying it could be on a day to day basis-- being like a superhero and all.
On another note, I received a wonderful compliment today! A coworker of mine says I write quite well and the reading of my blog is quite enjoyable. I know people are reading but it is really nice when someone says something about it. And this particular compliment could not be more well timed! For this post is about my hobbies.
Without further ado.
List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them (again, this is in no particular order... I am just writing them as they come to me):
1. Writing. See how well the compliment fits? That is exactly one of the two reasons that I love my hobby of writing. There are actually people out there who enjoy what I have to say and how I tend to write it. I have published a few beginnings to stories on fanfiction sites and the response is always so wonderful and embracing! Secondly, I love putting my dreams and ideas down onto paper so that I can share them with people or so that I can return to them at some later date and see how far I have progressed and how very different my ideas tend to be. It is a wonderful release.
2. Acting. There is simply something about bringing a character to life that has been thought up and planned out by a fellow writer and playwright. I love the growth I experience within my acting and the atmosphere and exhilaration of performing to the audience. I find great joy in both their laughter and their sighs of understanding. Wonderful.
3. Reading. It helps me forget about my own troubles for a while I immerse myself into the imagination. I truly believe that reading is what has kept my heart so young (yes, I know I am only nearly two and twenty, but my heart is still extremely aware and acute to the lesser recognized things of life and tender towards the pains and sorrows of this world). Plus, it also helps me keep my own imagination in shape so that I have things to write about and explore with my own pen and thoughts.
4. Dancing. I never feel quite as graceful as when I dance with a partner. To learn how to move with someone in such a synchronized way in expected patterns and even some that are unexpected is something beautiful in and of itself. The strength found in working with one another is something that can be applied to many areas of life and also the learning how to rely on one's partner for directions (in the case of the woman to the man) is an interesting concept that sometimes we forget in this independent and competitive world. It is akin to waking up from a long sleep to the ability to access all of your faculties and use them the way the Lord intended.
5. Talking to my friends and family. I love swapping tales of adventure, comedy and romance, to be honest. Especially with people I know. Plus, when I talk with them, I learn so much more than if we just accepted our relationships and went about our regularly programmed lives. I love the moments you remember why you love them and care about them and even find humor in how the way you think about them evolves bare knowledge to a truly in depth understanding of why they do the things they do, the quirks they have, the way they talk, etc etc. I know I would be very sad without them and am thankful (in the spirit of November and Thanksgiving) that the Lord has put them in my pathway when and how He does.
06 November 2012
Plans Beware
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
With this question, I feel as though I have just been time-zapped back to high school, freshman and senior years. Frankly, I loved this question back then because of all the dreams I had that were yet to be realized and that, at that age, were still completely valid in their possibility of happening.
Let's put it this way: in my plans that I made for my future during senior year, 5 years from that time I was to be 23 and either be married or on a mission by the age of 21. Or, in another dream world, be the next American Idol. Yes, I dreamed big. Furthermore, in 10 years I suspected that I would have at least traveled either across the country or out of the country because of either my family needs and necessities or simply because I had the money to.
But here I am. 21. 3 months from 22, single, no mission plans, and definitely no place among the music stars of today in the works. And sometimes struggling to make ends meet. Now, some of you will read this and immediately begin sharing words of advice and support in saying such things as, "Don't give up!" or "Things will work out soon!"
I admit, I am bummed to be alone but I know it's simply because I have been working on my time instead of relying on the Lord's time. I know things will work out as long as I continue to follow His counsel and promptings, doing what I have been brought up to believe in such as tithing, scripture study and prayer, temple attendance and fulfilling my church callings.
So. Here we go.
In five years...
I will be 26 going on 27. Regardless of my marital situation, I will be happy and will have figured out exactly how money needs to work in my life. If alone, I will have a full-time job in the spring and summer terms at the very least if I haven't finished school or a full-time year round job if I finish school. If done with school, I will have moved out of Utah to a nicer climate, preferably one with rain that is within a close proximity of a temple. I will have a cat. Preferably a gray one with blue eyes. Named Martin.
In ten years...
I will be 31 going on 32. I will either be married with a growing family or a strong career in the field of my choosing, living comfortably in a studio apartment with Martin. Engaging and sure of myself, I will have friends that will let me be close to their family and perhaps even be endowed with the title of Aunt. I will make it home for every Christmas unless I am in a production on stage, but will be counted as one of the best aunts of all time to my nieces and nephews.
In fifteen years...
36... almost 37. Either happily married or living close to my parents so I can be there any time they may need me or I may need them for company. Martin will probably have passed away by this time and I will have a little black cat with gold eyes named Salem. I will have written a best selling novel, finally having gotten all my ideas to settle and form into one story instead of many beginnings with loose ends. I will be living comfortably with my own piano and working on either the sequel of my first book or the beginning of a completely new idea.
This is how I see it and I will be content with what the Lord blesses me with.
With this question, I feel as though I have just been time-zapped back to high school, freshman and senior years. Frankly, I loved this question back then because of all the dreams I had that were yet to be realized and that, at that age, were still completely valid in their possibility of happening.
Let's put it this way: in my plans that I made for my future during senior year, 5 years from that time I was to be 23 and either be married or on a mission by the age of 21. Or, in another dream world, be the next American Idol. Yes, I dreamed big. Furthermore, in 10 years I suspected that I would have at least traveled either across the country or out of the country because of either my family needs and necessities or simply because I had the money to.
But here I am. 21. 3 months from 22, single, no mission plans, and definitely no place among the music stars of today in the works. And sometimes struggling to make ends meet. Now, some of you will read this and immediately begin sharing words of advice and support in saying such things as, "Don't give up!" or "Things will work out soon!"
I admit, I am bummed to be alone but I know it's simply because I have been working on my time instead of relying on the Lord's time. I know things will work out as long as I continue to follow His counsel and promptings, doing what I have been brought up to believe in such as tithing, scripture study and prayer, temple attendance and fulfilling my church callings.
So. Here we go.
In five years...
I will be 26 going on 27. Regardless of my marital situation, I will be happy and will have figured out exactly how money needs to work in my life. If alone, I will have a full-time job in the spring and summer terms at the very least if I haven't finished school or a full-time year round job if I finish school. If done with school, I will have moved out of Utah to a nicer climate, preferably one with rain that is within a close proximity of a temple. I will have a cat. Preferably a gray one with blue eyes. Named Martin.
In ten years...
I will be 31 going on 32. I will either be married with a growing family or a strong career in the field of my choosing, living comfortably in a studio apartment with Martin. Engaging and sure of myself, I will have friends that will let me be close to their family and perhaps even be endowed with the title of Aunt. I will make it home for every Christmas unless I am in a production on stage, but will be counted as one of the best aunts of all time to my nieces and nephews.
In fifteen years...
36... almost 37. Either happily married or living close to my parents so I can be there any time they may need me or I may need them for company. Martin will probably have passed away by this time and I will have a little black cat with gold eyes named Salem. I will have written a best selling novel, finally having gotten all my ideas to settle and form into one story instead of many beginnings with loose ends. I will be living comfortably with my own piano and working on either the sequel of my first book or the beginning of a completely new idea.
This is how I see it and I will be content with what the Lord blesses me with.
05 November 2012
Superpowers... if only, if only.
Admit it. We have all seen the Avengers or some other great superhero based movie and afterward thought about which super power we would want. Invisibility, flight, to be psychic, telekinetic, super strength, the list goes on.
So... if you could have one super power, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
To be perfectly honest, the super power I would want changes from time to time. Recently, however, I would really appreciate the power of empathy-- the ability to feel emotions, thoughts, hopes, desires, and dreams of others. This particular power would be useful in a variety of ways. Job searching would be at least a little quicker in the fact that you would quickly be able to weed out the most unlikely or not be surprised when you are, after all, not hired even though you might think the interview went well.
Therefore, seeing as I am looking for a full-time job at the moment, I suppose this would be the first thing that I would put my empathy to work with.
But I cannot lie... if I already had a job and everything was going swimmingly, then I would use my empathy to learn what others think and feel toward my friends and myself. I would no longer have to guess and give tentative advice to my friends struggling through the battlegrounds of dating but instead would be able to do a quick little reconnaissance (without them knowing of course, because the super power would be kept undercover) before returning to them and being able to tell them whether or not to go for it.
Obviously, I too have problems with figuring out if the guy actually likes me or not. How quick and nice would it be to learn which guys I should simply avoid because there would be no chance of dating them? Yes, a rather petty thing, but it sure would save me a lot of heartache and headaches.
Furthermore, I would be able to feel what they are feeling and perhaps have a better time at comforting those who stand in need of comfort and such things. I don't know why but in some instances, I become extremely uncomfortable and downright prickly when people need comfort but that usually stems from not knowing why they are feeling the way they are feeling or what they want out of the situation when all is said and done.
Without this ability, I merely state what I think of the situation and they can take it or leave it.
So... if you could have one super power, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
To be perfectly honest, the super power I would want changes from time to time. Recently, however, I would really appreciate the power of empathy-- the ability to feel emotions, thoughts, hopes, desires, and dreams of others. This particular power would be useful in a variety of ways. Job searching would be at least a little quicker in the fact that you would quickly be able to weed out the most unlikely or not be surprised when you are, after all, not hired even though you might think the interview went well.
Therefore, seeing as I am looking for a full-time job at the moment, I suppose this would be the first thing that I would put my empathy to work with.
But I cannot lie... if I already had a job and everything was going swimmingly, then I would use my empathy to learn what others think and feel toward my friends and myself. I would no longer have to guess and give tentative advice to my friends struggling through the battlegrounds of dating but instead would be able to do a quick little reconnaissance (without them knowing of course, because the super power would be kept undercover) before returning to them and being able to tell them whether or not to go for it.
Obviously, I too have problems with figuring out if the guy actually likes me or not. How quick and nice would it be to learn which guys I should simply avoid because there would be no chance of dating them? Yes, a rather petty thing, but it sure would save me a lot of heartache and headaches.
Furthermore, I would be able to feel what they are feeling and perhaps have a better time at comforting those who stand in need of comfort and such things. I don't know why but in some instances, I become extremely uncomfortable and downright prickly when people need comfort but that usually stems from not knowing why they are feeling the way they are feeling or what they want out of the situation when all is said and done.
Without this ability, I merely state what I think of the situation and they can take it or leave it.
Second Star to the Right...
"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a
thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the
beginning of fairies."
J.M. Barrie
I am pretty sure that J.M. Barrie was one of the greatest writers of childhood that will ever be known to this world. But of course this is only my humble opinion on the subject. My childhood was so full of fairies, magic and dreams that I am sure that I will never truly grow out of it. This keeps me from pleasing just any young man from off the street but, to be honest, if he has no imagination whatsoever, I am not so sure we could fit very well together at all.
Often, I read fairy tales and consequently dreamed of the day "my prince would come" and I would fall in love, get married and have babies just as my own mother had. But then I would run off with my older brother, climb apple trees and get scrapes on my knees and splinters in my fingers and would have to go to my mother to get them out with a pair of tweezers.
If you have not caught on just yet, I am about to take a short trip down childhood memory lane.
For those newcomers and readers of my blog, the last 19 posts (soon to be 20) have all been based around a list of 30 questions as seen here:
http://cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.com/2012/01/30-things.html
Not going to lie. I have really enjoyed answering the vast majority of these questions and have found myself really assessing the things that I have done thus far in my life. It is fun to explore the answers to these questions and hopefully I have shed some light on the person I am for those who do not quite understand me or who simply have wanted to get to know me. Granted some will be learning more than they probably bargained for at first but I always love to hear when someone has chosen to take a few minutes and read what I have written and thought about.
So, without further ado...
Describe three significant memories of your childhood:
1. The first memory would have to be a small clump of memories to be honest-- those would be the memories I have of spending time with my older brother. Everything from Couches and Lava to making up ninja personae for ourselves (which we drew pictures of, of course...) that we took more time making up than actually acting as, are bright spots in my childhood memories. When he would take time just to play with me I always felt so very special. And I am also sure that he definitely helped my creative side that now displays itself in my writing. Nowadays when we aren't bickering (haha) there are definite effects from the times we would stay up talking until our parents would have no more of it. We might not always see eye to eye but we do often enough and love each other enough that when we do set to catching up and asking for thoughts on our life situations... it is often as if we were back in those bunk beds, on top of those snow hills or hiding in the shrubbery next to the cyclone wire type fence. I love him and would not trade those memories for anything.
2. Another batch of memory surrounds the time spent with my family in the reading of books. There were a handful of books that my mother read aloud to us but the longest stretching would be the reading aloud of Harry Potter. Mom had thought it would be a great book to engage Jer and my interest's and eventually our younger siblings' as well but oft times we would gather to read it together after a long day of school and she would ask us to refresh her on where we were ("we" meaning everyone but her... she always read ahead much to our irritation and jealousy... and sometimes dismay when she would give a small detail away that we would always forget, of course, before it actually got to that part in the reading). We would even read these books together in the car on our way to vacation destinations. This has had a lot of effect on my love of reading and also that of reading aloud to someone-- partaking in the journey of the book with someone else as they drive.
I most definitely plan on doing this with my future husband because of the good memories I have with it and the love and unity I have felt through the practice.
3. Lastly, I turn to a memory of baking. There was a certain Sister Hathaway who lived down the street from us in one of our houses in Burney, CA. I am not even sure how it started, but I often went to her house and helped her in the baking of chocolate chip cookies (always). One time we even forgot the eggs until the very last step before the chocolate chips and also forgot to cover the bowl with a towel before turning on the mixer--- this particular setup was ornery and would spit chocolate chips at high velocity across the kitchen.
While the cookies baked, I would join her daughter Abby for some coloring. She always left the skin on the girls in her coloring books blank and I would take joy in meticulously coloring them in carefully so as not to distract from the rest of the picture that had already been done so nicely.
Memories of Sister Hathaway are incredibly tender to my heart though I haven't really talked to her in years. I also remember laying my head in her lap at church after taking the Sacrament and she would stroke my hair and place random braids throughout the long brown waves.
Oh, I have so many more memories but I need sleep sometime tonight... perhaps another time?
"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."
J.M. Barrie
04 November 2012
Orange Juice and Living Situations
I daresay I have totally kicked the butt of my cold with orange juice, Emergen-C and a dose of Airborne. I had to laugh however when I went to the store today and bought not one but two things of orange juice. I am thankful that I have found some that I like that is cheap and fits in the fridge. Oh yeah.
I mean really! Give me some props for graduating from Sunny D to legitimate orange juice. Haha!
On top of everything else, I am thankful for my cousin for all the times that she has taken my laundry for me, that I get to attend my best friend's baby blessing at her ward tomorrow and for the fact that it is finally Daylight Savings once more and not the kind that springs us forward an hour. Perhaps I will be able to sleep better and more properly within this falling back. Would not that be nice?
Okay. Let us cut to the chase.
If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
Again, seeing as they did not give me a specific number to work with I will simply throw out a couple.
My number one place would be Oregon. Why? Because it is close to family, it rains a great deal, and it is green. Plus, although I have heard about the property tax, at least when I go to the store I know I will pay what it says on the price tag without worrying about adding tax to the end total. And choosing a place in Oregon... I would want something closer to Portland but still a short distance from the ocean (maybe a day's worth of travel for the beach). Why? The temple. I think it is extremely beautiful and want to get married there.
My number two place would probably be somewhere in Europe-- either England or Ireland. From the tales of other peoples' travels to these places they sound pretty neat. Plus, would it not be so cool to walk the same streets that Tolkien walked? That would just give me a thrill to be honest. Plus things seem to be closer... walking does not seem like it would be such a great pain if you lived in the right place. But that is just from my point of view and limited knowledge of the actual living conditions of such places.
Oh! And I hear it rains there as well. And is green. What a novel idea, right?
My next blog will be addressing 3 significant memories of my childhood. So do not miss it! It is sure to be scintillating.
I mean really! Give me some props for graduating from Sunny D to legitimate orange juice. Haha!
On top of everything else, I am thankful for my cousin for all the times that she has taken my laundry for me, that I get to attend my best friend's baby blessing at her ward tomorrow and for the fact that it is finally Daylight Savings once more and not the kind that springs us forward an hour. Perhaps I will be able to sleep better and more properly within this falling back. Would not that be nice?
Okay. Let us cut to the chase.
If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
Again, seeing as they did not give me a specific number to work with I will simply throw out a couple.
My number one place would be Oregon. Why? Because it is close to family, it rains a great deal, and it is green. Plus, although I have heard about the property tax, at least when I go to the store I know I will pay what it says on the price tag without worrying about adding tax to the end total. And choosing a place in Oregon... I would want something closer to Portland but still a short distance from the ocean (maybe a day's worth of travel for the beach). Why? The temple. I think it is extremely beautiful and want to get married there.
My number two place would probably be somewhere in Europe-- either England or Ireland. From the tales of other peoples' travels to these places they sound pretty neat. Plus, would it not be so cool to walk the same streets that Tolkien walked? That would just give me a thrill to be honest. Plus things seem to be closer... walking does not seem like it would be such a great pain if you lived in the right place. But that is just from my point of view and limited knowledge of the actual living conditions of such places.
Oh! And I hear it rains there as well. And is green. What a novel idea, right?
My next blog will be addressing 3 significant memories of my childhood. So do not miss it! It is sure to be scintillating.
02 November 2012
On Colds and Forgiveness
Of course. Yesterday, I woke up to a cold. How very delightful.
The funny thing is, I did not see it coming although after talking to my friend Draco, I probably could have foreseen it. Apparently, when he is about to have a cold, he has a day where his nose itches all day or he sneezes incessantly. Well, I didn't sneeze incessantly but two days before my nose started itching all the time. And BING I have a cold. Curse the luck...
Anyway, at least I only had one day of work left before the weekend so I have a bit until I have to be back around the chemicals that merely irritate my nose. Yay for that!
Moving on. In this particular blog post, the main subject is forgiveness. Such a big topic.
The prompt is this-- What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
Some people say "forgive and forget". Well, I don't know about you, but when someone does something to me that is as life changing as what was done to me, you don't just "forget", nor do you forget the person even if they haven't been anywhere near you for years. However, in the words of Lewis B. Smedes, "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
I suppose I should take a few steps back. There was a young man I met a few years ago. He was exciting and new and, dare I say it, even a little dangerous. My young naive heart believed that perhaps I could tame this creature and give him the love that he needed to heal from the past wrongs of people he had known who had shaped him into the person he had become.
We spent hours at a time talking to one another, getting to know each other in such depth that I truly thought that I at least could sympathize and understand him properly. A little time passed and he kissed me. My first kiss. It was nothing like I had been told it would be. I wasn't elated. I felt wounded. I cried for the rest of the night until I fell asleep. We had been texting until I had fallen asleep and so the next morning he asked if I needed him. Not knowing where else to turn for such quick and understanding comfort (of course God wasn't crossing my mind at this point), I asked him if he would come.
He took off from work and came straight to my apartment. He held me close, comforting me and telling me the next kiss would be better. I fell for it. We often took naps on the couch in my small apartment complex and each time he would leave I would feel completely depressed. Why? Because in the back of my mind and the depths of my heart, I knew he had once again left without promising himself to me. He was still free to do whatever he wanted and kiss whomever he pleased. And I am sure he did.
This "relationship" was twisted. Toxic. And I continued to believe it was simply how it had to be until he finally saw the light and decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. It never happened.
He asked me to come to him after not hearing from him for two weeks. My natural side had felt as though it had been forced into a drought for those two weeks and I felt if I could simply see him then all would be well and I could continue on my way. I had also believed, while those two weeks had passed, that we had reverted to simply being friends. Little did I know what his true motive in luring me to his side was.
I should have run at the first kiss. I did tell him I hadn't expected him to kiss me. He knew the words to say. If I didn't want him to kiss me then I could just leave. The words hurt and I refused the doorway out of the situation.
Thankfully, before the end, the Spirit made one last ditch effort to bring me to my senses. I was saved from the end result that I had promised myself my whole life that I would never reach but because of my decisions, I was not spared the pain.
We parted and he acted as though we had never met. To this day, I still haven't talked to him. I stayed away from the temple for the larger part of two years. I punished myself for our mistake. Somewhere in those years, I finally forgave him. I have taken from the experience many lessons that have made me a stronger person.
But I have not forgotten. And I will never forget until I no longer have to worry about making the same mistakes that led up to that most critical of decisive moments. The Lord as my strength, I will be better for it and continue to grow.
Two more quotes that I liked/found humorous are below. Tune in next time to read about where I would choose to live if I could live anywhere and why!
Forgiveness is the final form of love. -Reinhold Niebuhr
When women love us, the forgive us for everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues. -Honore de Balzac
The funny thing is, I did not see it coming although after talking to my friend Draco, I probably could have foreseen it. Apparently, when he is about to have a cold, he has a day where his nose itches all day or he sneezes incessantly. Well, I didn't sneeze incessantly but two days before my nose started itching all the time. And BING I have a cold. Curse the luck...
Anyway, at least I only had one day of work left before the weekend so I have a bit until I have to be back around the chemicals that merely irritate my nose. Yay for that!
Moving on. In this particular blog post, the main subject is forgiveness. Such a big topic.
The prompt is this-- What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
Some people say "forgive and forget". Well, I don't know about you, but when someone does something to me that is as life changing as what was done to me, you don't just "forget", nor do you forget the person even if they haven't been anywhere near you for years. However, in the words of Lewis B. Smedes, "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
I suppose I should take a few steps back. There was a young man I met a few years ago. He was exciting and new and, dare I say it, even a little dangerous. My young naive heart believed that perhaps I could tame this creature and give him the love that he needed to heal from the past wrongs of people he had known who had shaped him into the person he had become.
We spent hours at a time talking to one another, getting to know each other in such depth that I truly thought that I at least could sympathize and understand him properly. A little time passed and he kissed me. My first kiss. It was nothing like I had been told it would be. I wasn't elated. I felt wounded. I cried for the rest of the night until I fell asleep. We had been texting until I had fallen asleep and so the next morning he asked if I needed him. Not knowing where else to turn for such quick and understanding comfort (of course God wasn't crossing my mind at this point), I asked him if he would come.
He took off from work and came straight to my apartment. He held me close, comforting me and telling me the next kiss would be better. I fell for it. We often took naps on the couch in my small apartment complex and each time he would leave I would feel completely depressed. Why? Because in the back of my mind and the depths of my heart, I knew he had once again left without promising himself to me. He was still free to do whatever he wanted and kiss whomever he pleased. And I am sure he did.
This "relationship" was twisted. Toxic. And I continued to believe it was simply how it had to be until he finally saw the light and decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. It never happened.
He asked me to come to him after not hearing from him for two weeks. My natural side had felt as though it had been forced into a drought for those two weeks and I felt if I could simply see him then all would be well and I could continue on my way. I had also believed, while those two weeks had passed, that we had reverted to simply being friends. Little did I know what his true motive in luring me to his side was.
I should have run at the first kiss. I did tell him I hadn't expected him to kiss me. He knew the words to say. If I didn't want him to kiss me then I could just leave. The words hurt and I refused the doorway out of the situation.
Thankfully, before the end, the Spirit made one last ditch effort to bring me to my senses. I was saved from the end result that I had promised myself my whole life that I would never reach but because of my decisions, I was not spared the pain.
We parted and he acted as though we had never met. To this day, I still haven't talked to him. I stayed away from the temple for the larger part of two years. I punished myself for our mistake. Somewhere in those years, I finally forgave him. I have taken from the experience many lessons that have made me a stronger person.
But I have not forgotten. And I will never forget until I no longer have to worry about making the same mistakes that led up to that most critical of decisive moments. The Lord as my strength, I will be better for it and continue to grow.
Two more quotes that I liked/found humorous are below. Tune in next time to read about where I would choose to live if I could live anywhere and why!
Forgiveness is the final form of love. -Reinhold Niebuhr
When women love us, the forgive us for everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues. -Honore de Balzac
01 November 2012
If Wishes Were Fishes...
"I thought you wished you could see the sea!" said the trout."I did," said Jane, "But I never expected the wish to come true."
"Great oceans! Why bother to wish it then? I call that simply a waste of time. But come on! Mustn't be late for the party!”
―P.L. Travers
The great thing about wishes is that at any time you can act on them and give them a chance at coming true. Granted, not all our wishes are plausible in their results or even probable, but we are still welcome to try, aren't we?
In all honesty though, I am a true wisher. I make wishes all the time! On birthday candles, shooting stars and even at 11:11. Often my wishes are rather flippant, just to get them out there so that I needn't burst with all the suppressed wishing but only now again do I actually pursue the wishes I wish and those are usually the ones that sprout from dreams I have or give life to the dreams themselves.
Then again, other wishes I make are very, very long term in the forthcoming of results. So without further ado...
What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
There are a great many things I wish I were great at, from acting, to playing the violin to talking with my family on a weekly basis. But the thing that I most wish that I were great at is following the will of the Lord. I suspect that many things I wish I were great at would fall into place if I could just get this one aspect of living my life down. I am sure there have been many times in my life that I have wasted and possibly missed the greater opportunities the Lord was willing to give me because I pursued something or even someone that I thought would be one of the keys to my happiness.
I suspect there are times when I am better at following His will rather than mine than at other moments and I guess, in the end, I am still learning. I am still growing and progressing. If I were completely fantastic at this one principle, perhaps I would have no more need of this mortal life and would be ready for the next step.
So, in review, I guess I am mildly thankful that I haven't quite mastered the art of following His will completely because that means I still have things to do, things to accomplish, tasks to go about before He calls me back home. I am living life and although I do make mistakes, and often, I should like to think that I am continually progressing even if it is a small centimeter at a time.
What do YOU most wish you were great at? I am curious.
"Great oceans! Why bother to wish it then? I call that simply a waste of time. But come on! Mustn't be late for the party!”
―P.L. Travers
The great thing about wishes is that at any time you can act on them and give them a chance at coming true. Granted, not all our wishes are plausible in their results or even probable, but we are still welcome to try, aren't we?
In all honesty though, I am a true wisher. I make wishes all the time! On birthday candles, shooting stars and even at 11:11. Often my wishes are rather flippant, just to get them out there so that I needn't burst with all the suppressed wishing but only now again do I actually pursue the wishes I wish and those are usually the ones that sprout from dreams I have or give life to the dreams themselves.
Then again, other wishes I make are very, very long term in the forthcoming of results. So without further ado...
What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
There are a great many things I wish I were great at, from acting, to playing the violin to talking with my family on a weekly basis. But the thing that I most wish that I were great at is following the will of the Lord. I suspect that many things I wish I were great at would fall into place if I could just get this one aspect of living my life down. I am sure there have been many times in my life that I have wasted and possibly missed the greater opportunities the Lord was willing to give me because I pursued something or even someone that I thought would be one of the keys to my happiness.
I suspect there are times when I am better at following His will rather than mine than at other moments and I guess, in the end, I am still learning. I am still growing and progressing. If I were completely fantastic at this one principle, perhaps I would have no more need of this mortal life and would be ready for the next step.
So, in review, I guess I am mildly thankful that I haven't quite mastered the art of following His will completely because that means I still have things to do, things to accomplish, tasks to go about before He calls me back home. I am living life and although I do make mistakes, and often, I should like to think that I am continually progressing even if it is a small centimeter at a time.
What do YOU most wish you were great at? I am curious.
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