Life as of late has been a crazy whirlwind of moments it would seem. I tried something new and just took things as they came but the more sensible side of me kicked in last minute and begged the question "why?" while the other side threw back "why not?". After a hard heart to heart talk, I realized that what I thought would be the "next big thing" or in other words my next attempt at being with someone was really just a brief moment in time to help me realize something about myself--or rather be told something about myself that I haven't really paid much attention to but in knowing it have been able to make some sense of a few of my experiences in the past year.
I asked my dear friend why he liked to be around me so much but still didn't seem have the desire to know more about me than he already did--being content with the simple fact that I stood beside him and he never had to question that I wanted to be there.
The answer he came up with? Because I care. Because I genuinely cared about his well being and wanted to be able to support him in his triumphs and catch him to lift him up while he was down. Apparently over the years I have a nurtured a deep ability to empathize and to simply accept the people around me as they are--even if I don't always agree with their views.
That being said I have realized that I don't so much "fall in love" as I find someone that I think is worth my love and I give it to them--wholeheartedly. The unfortunate crux that I found in this however is that any feeling of rejection feels as though I have been completely and utterly rejected, it calls to mind every time that I have been left out in the proverbial cold...even when I am told immediately following that I will not be left alone, that he will remain beside me in friendship--that he "loves" me.
Why is it that we can feel others are so deserving of our love but when they return it we reject it? I am talking about myself, frankly, because when a person tells me they love me (as long as they are outside of my immediate family) my heart squeezes painfully and all the reasons they shouldn't love me come glaringly to the forefront of my mind.
How horribly vexing it is to crave love, acceptance, friendship but be of the feeling that I have too many reasons why I shouldn't be given the friendship...the acceptance... the love.
Another thought that blossomed just now is just how fine a line there is to tread between fear and faith. Faith is always, ALWAYS, what has pulled me through in the end but there is so much fear that I have to wade through before I get those shining moments of clarity. Why is it so much easier to accept the love of a Heavenly Father, a Father whose face I cannot remember, whose embrace I only have the ghost of a recollection in my memory and yet... when those I can see, feel, hear tangibly say "I love you" I question it? I veto it? I laugh self-deprecatingly and get embarrassed and self-conscious.
They tell me they love my smile, my laugh, the way I think, the way I hug--they love me, Cassidy.
I get it. I am in my own way. But until I get out of my way... please do not give up on me--telling me you love me or that I am pretty or that I am wonderful just being me. For it is when I kick the hardest that I need those words the most--just like you.
30 June 2014
01 June 2014
Of Flyaways, Face Value, and Walter Mitty
Firstly, let's address the shallower thought processes I had this evening...
I was straightening my hair which, as most of you are aware, I have started growing out once more after having had varying pixie cuts for the past two years. And I realized something...the hardest part about growing out one's hair is coming to the realization and accepting the fact that, though there is an inherent elegance to the wearing of long hair (if worn correctly), in growing one's hair out you have essentially written a very cordial and open invitation to all the flyaways and curly baby hairs that never seem to grow long enough to make it up with the rest of your ponytail or up-dos (usually located at the nape of one's neck). Indeed, there is no way to escape their company from here on out and, like the idea of having so MUCH hair on my head, will have to be accepted and perhaps even embraced if I am going to beat the awkward growing out stages... yes.
Secondly, today I was reminded of something...
A few days ago, I felt myself tossing caution to the wind and invited a person of my acquaintance to do something with me and some of my other friends this weekend. I had already resigned myself to the fact that this person would probably say no because I know they are quite the busy little bee... so, I allowed myself only the smallest glimmer of hope and took the plunge.
They, indeed, said no to my invitation, assuring me that it would definitely had been something they would have enjoyed doing but had already been assigned to work to a later hour than would allow them to join us for the adventure.
Now, most people probably wouldn't have thought much of how little we spoke over the next few days but, to someone who felt they had taken a rather large step outside their comfort zone, I felt that perhaps I had done wrong in asking said person to do something with me outside of our usual spent time. Therefore, me being, well, me, I asked if I had perhaps made it awkward between us.
After having to explain what I had supposedly done to make things awkward (usually the best sign that it didn't bother the party in question because they had already forgotten the instance or it hadn't occurred to them that it was an instigator of potential problems in the first place) they said something that really struck me as "obvious" but at the same time not so very "obvious" to me. "You should trust people when they say they would like to but are otherwise indisposed."
Trust people? When they say that they would like to do something with me while quickly following it with the reason (valid or no... in this case I assure you it was valid) as to why they couldn't?
It actually saddens me that I had to be told this--to take the response at true face value. How often do we find ourselves saying, "Oh I would love to but..."? I admit to having done it before--usually to people who are really just nice and sweet people but who I would rather not spend more time with than that that I already spend with them. I often over-analyze and I am sure I am not the only one who has been guilty of just assuming that a person just doesn't want to spend time with me--even if I have only asked the person once and had a negative response.
Not to come as striving to be aloof and brooding (traits that for some reason we've been taught are highly attractive in a man, by the way, but not in a woman [sorry, sidebar/tangent]) but although I really would love to trust people more for their face value, I find it hard. Not because I have a natural disposition to be distrustful but rather because I have always striven to look past the possible flaws or want to accept what people say to me at face value without looking for a hidden agenda--and, well, it's gotten me hurt a couple times. Each time it happens, I become more and more withdrawn from people and being quick to trust rather than distrust them.
However... I will try anew starting tomorrow (or rather today since it's just after midnight). It is a new month after all.
Thirdly, I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in its entirety this evening...
Travel! Experiences! Living life!
Wanderlust, I believe, is what it's called... having the desire to travel to unknown places, explore the world.
How true the moral that we should stop dreaming about what we want to do and just do it! I love the end of the movie where, first, Walter confronts the suit and says exactly what he wants to say instead of just imagining what he would say to "put him in his place" so to speak. How different the Walter at the end of the movie is to the Walter at the beginning.
Then, the more quiet example of his simply DOING is shown as he and Cheryl are walking away from the newspaper stand and he just reaches over and grabs her hand (granted it helps that she actually wanted to hold his hand as well...unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that in real life ;}) but he stopped imagining "what ifs" and simply did and was willing to see if it would work out.
Beautiful. Inspiring.
Here is to discovery! Exploration! And the wonderment that is LIFE.
I was straightening my hair which, as most of you are aware, I have started growing out once more after having had varying pixie cuts for the past two years. And I realized something...the hardest part about growing out one's hair is coming to the realization and accepting the fact that, though there is an inherent elegance to the wearing of long hair (if worn correctly), in growing one's hair out you have essentially written a very cordial and open invitation to all the flyaways and curly baby hairs that never seem to grow long enough to make it up with the rest of your ponytail or up-dos (usually located at the nape of one's neck). Indeed, there is no way to escape their company from here on out and, like the idea of having so MUCH hair on my head, will have to be accepted and perhaps even embraced if I am going to beat the awkward growing out stages... yes.
Secondly, today I was reminded of something...
A few days ago, I felt myself tossing caution to the wind and invited a person of my acquaintance to do something with me and some of my other friends this weekend. I had already resigned myself to the fact that this person would probably say no because I know they are quite the busy little bee... so, I allowed myself only the smallest glimmer of hope and took the plunge.
They, indeed, said no to my invitation, assuring me that it would definitely had been something they would have enjoyed doing but had already been assigned to work to a later hour than would allow them to join us for the adventure.
Now, most people probably wouldn't have thought much of how little we spoke over the next few days but, to someone who felt they had taken a rather large step outside their comfort zone, I felt that perhaps I had done wrong in asking said person to do something with me outside of our usual spent time. Therefore, me being, well, me, I asked if I had perhaps made it awkward between us.
After having to explain what I had supposedly done to make things awkward (usually the best sign that it didn't bother the party in question because they had already forgotten the instance or it hadn't occurred to them that it was an instigator of potential problems in the first place) they said something that really struck me as "obvious" but at the same time not so very "obvious" to me. "You should trust people when they say they would like to but are otherwise indisposed."
Trust people? When they say that they would like to do something with me while quickly following it with the reason (valid or no... in this case I assure you it was valid) as to why they couldn't?
It actually saddens me that I had to be told this--to take the response at true face value. How often do we find ourselves saying, "Oh I would love to but..."? I admit to having done it before--usually to people who are really just nice and sweet people but who I would rather not spend more time with than that that I already spend with them. I often over-analyze and I am sure I am not the only one who has been guilty of just assuming that a person just doesn't want to spend time with me--even if I have only asked the person once and had a negative response.
Not to come as striving to be aloof and brooding (traits that for some reason we've been taught are highly attractive in a man, by the way, but not in a woman [sorry, sidebar/tangent]) but although I really would love to trust people more for their face value, I find it hard. Not because I have a natural disposition to be distrustful but rather because I have always striven to look past the possible flaws or want to accept what people say to me at face value without looking for a hidden agenda--and, well, it's gotten me hurt a couple times. Each time it happens, I become more and more withdrawn from people and being quick to trust rather than distrust them.
However... I will try anew starting tomorrow (or rather today since it's just after midnight). It is a new month after all.
Thirdly, I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in its entirety this evening...
Travel! Experiences! Living life!
Wanderlust, I believe, is what it's called... having the desire to travel to unknown places, explore the world.
How true the moral that we should stop dreaming about what we want to do and just do it! I love the end of the movie where, first, Walter confronts the suit and says exactly what he wants to say instead of just imagining what he would say to "put him in his place" so to speak. How different the Walter at the end of the movie is to the Walter at the beginning.
Then, the more quiet example of his simply DOING is shown as he and Cheryl are walking away from the newspaper stand and he just reaches over and grabs her hand (granted it helps that she actually wanted to hold his hand as well...unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that in real life ;}) but he stopped imagining "what ifs" and simply did and was willing to see if it would work out.
Beautiful. Inspiring.
Here is to discovery! Exploration! And the wonderment that is LIFE.
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