Another Writing Exercise

"Write about the one thing you never expected him to say." Ah Pinterest, what fun we'll have. Ha.

We walked away from the music and dancing to a quiet spot, neither of us saying a word. I couldn't say what was going on in his head, which box he was thinking in, but my mind was going a mile a minute. Was I walking too close to him? Too far away? Why did my stomach have to spin in somersaults? Should I speak first or wait quietly until he spoke? Was it colder out here than it had been all summer? Did I have enough milk in the fridge to get through the weekend?
He came to what I perceived as an abrupt stop although once I resurfaced from my increasingly sporadic thoughts I saw it made sense to stop seeing as we had crossed the street and any further would put us in the dark of the trees. But my mind flicked to the next series of thoughts--did he mean for us to sit on the bench? How close was too close? How far was too far? How? What? Where? When? Why?
I sat in a jerky motion down on the bench sitting neither in the center of the bench nor on either extreme end. Let him decide what to do or how close to sit. He sat at the extreme end and my heart plummeted into my stomach. Should I move further away? Should I...?
"Amelia." He spoke softly but it sounded loud and he easily had all of my attention... or at least all except the niggling thoughts that kept my heart from rising to its rightful position. "How was your day?" I blinked and quickly looked down at my hands when his gray eyes lifted to look at me directly.
What did he mean? How was my day? How else could my day have gone while I was hoping and simultaneously dreading the moment we were in right then? My day had been horrible, dragging, and I still had the residual headache of having to focus on my work at the office while still running through "what if" scenarios in my mind!
"It was fine, I guess," I answered a beat late. I could feel his gaze on my face, the narrowing of his eyes as his eyebrows drew down in his usual concern when he knew I wasn't telling him the truth. He didn't push it, however--had I wanted him to?-- and gave a soft, "Oh, that's good."
The silence reigned uncomfortably again. I shifted and he stayed aggravatingly still. Wasn't he the least bit nervous about this conversation?
"How was your day, Ewan?" I inquired stiltedly. I had made the mistake of looking at him and when he looked back (was that relief in his eyes?) I was stuck. His eyes were bluer than the usual cool gray.
"Busy, as usual. A little stressful but what else is new?" he asked rhetorically. I slowly nodded wishing to look away but not wanting to miss seeing his face even though I had just seen it a few days before. His smile faded and he let his gaze turn up to the sky and I sighed softly being released from the spell. I worried at my lip. Why was talking so hard? I knew what needed to be asked... he knew what needed to be said... couldn't we just be over this already?
We both started to speak at once and chuckled in embarrassment. "You first," he offered and I nodded though I stayed silent for another minute or two that felt like an eternity.
"What are we?" I finally managed to ask not strong enough to look at him so I considered my shoes pushing at the cement. I knew what he was going to say already... he'd said as much in the text he'd sent a few weeks prior but, glutton for punishment that I am, I had to hear him say it aloud. I needed him to tell me we were "friends" and see it in his eyes... see that all the admiration and near-adoration he had once regarded me with was gone. I needed to see that he was resolved and that I had no place in his world except for as his friend or, more painfully still, his pseudo-sister.
When he didn't respond, I finally peeled my gaze from the ground to look at him and the sight squeezed painfully at my heart that had somehow found its way back to my rib-cage. How long had that look been trained on me?
I loved him. I still loved him. His eyes, his nose, his expressive mouth... I even loved his ears. I'm sure my expression was pitiable as I stood up from the bench and paced a few steps away. I had to or else give way to the instinctual action to kiss him. I stopped under an oak, picking at its bark as I cast a cautious look over my shoulder. Ewan continued to look at the air I had just vacated, his brow furrowed as he thought of the best words to express himself... as he always did.
"Please, Ewan..." My voice came out softer than I had intended as if afraid to call attention to myself again. After a moment, he looked up at me and I took a tentative step toward him before faltering and wrapping my arms around myself. It was definitely colder.
"I just need to hear it from you, Ewan." He opened his mouth to speak but closed it as he looked down and I shook my arms out in frustration before pulling them through my hair. When he still wasn't forthcoming with the words I knew he was going to say I turned to look at him. My body warred with me. Every fiber of my being wanted to reach out and tell him that he didn't need to say it. That I understood. That it was fine. That I would be fine. But I was determined to let my brain win this war.
"Repeat after me, then, if nothing else, Ewan," I barely managed to contain all the waspishness that had been building over the past weeks but my tone must have still woke him up to my nearing breakdown. "I just want to be friends. Nothing more. Now your turn," I urged, my gaze imploring him to say it and be done with it.
His face crumpled into a defeated expression before he shook his head and stood up, a tentative smile upon his lips. To my horror, he took the last few steps to close the space between us. I jerked back but not quickly enough before his hands grasped my upper arms, firmly but not painfully.
"I can't." The words were simple but I still returned them with, "What?"
"I can't repeat those words to you, Amelia," he clarified, the smile becoming softer in its more pronounced state.
I couldn't speak, my head shaking in negative as I tried to step away but he followed my step allowing his hands to take my face gently so he was sure I was looking at him. "Let me try again," he said with a soft laugh--self-deprecating perhaps? "I can't because it would be a lie...not just to you but to myself." My face crumpled and I tried to pull away, to hide my face but the tears were already slipping from the corners of my eyes and he held my face steadily. "Don't hide from me, silly girl," he spoke tenderly as I pulled weakly at his hands.
"Why are you doing this?" I cried, not able to comprehend what he had said as holding any truth. My hands curled into the front of his shirt, my brain telling me to push him away, punch him, slap him--DO SOMETHING to make him let go! But the rest of me? He heard the rest of me as he pulled me in, holding my head against his chest.
"Because I am selfish, remember?"
The words caused me to hiccup a laugh in the midst of the tears and I felt his smile through my hair as he kissed it.
"I thought that it would be easy if I just stayed away... but not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you, Amelia. Believe me. I don't even want to say I could forget you. I just hope you can one day forgive me." My head was spinning and not just from being so close to him that I forgot to breathe as I always. "However," he said after a while of silence in which I sniffled unattractively. I pulled back at his "however" and prepared for the worst. What a horrid word.... "however"...
My opinion of it must have showed on my face because he laughed with his eyebrow quirked up and his lips pursing to the side before he spoke. "However, I still don't think we should dive straight into a relationship... but we will have our time together...once each week at least," and when I started to shake my head, he grabbed my chin firmly and looked at me seriously, "or else you can punch me."
I rolled my eyes at him causing him to laugh as I realized just how close he was and I could feel his laughing breath fan my face. I pursed my lips and pulled slightly back feeling my resolve crumbling. Heaven knew I wasn't going to allow myself to kiss him first but then, after a slight hesitation from him during which he looked at my wary gaze, I didn't have to for he brushed his lips against mine and he might as well have sucker punched me. My breath whooshed from my lungs and for a moment the past weeks didn't matter.
Too soon, as always, he stepped away from me not before pushing my hair away from my face and caressing my cheek as though to assure himself that I was still there.
"Should we go back?" he asked with his pursed lips that hid the smug smile I had always berated him for. I rolled my eyes again and kissing him lightly on the cheek, I danced away and toward the music once more with a look of challenge thrown over my shoulder. He shook his head but followed catching up to place an arm about my waist as we walked back together.

Rain

Her heart was racing as she continued down the darkened streets, her feet splashing the puddles that were growing larger by the minute. The lights had gone out not twenty minutes before and the only light to lead her was the intermittent strikes of lightning and the flicker of candles in the windows she passed. 

The phone call she had received before all the power went out had ripped her from her house without thought of shoes or coat and the storm had plastered her hair to her neck and face as she tried to shake the water from her eyes. How much of the water was tears? How much of it was rain? She couldn't tell.

Her toes had gone numb from the cold of this wintry rain. A brief memory lit her mind's eye of the day she had met him in a storm much like this--only it had been summer and they had danced...

She made out the sign of Drury Park with the help of yet another flash of lightning, the roll of the thunder vibrating from her toes to prickle along her spine. 

Nearly breathless she finally called his name. "James!" She shivered violently--cold? Adrenaline? Fear? There was no answer as she strained her vision, frantically looking over every piece of the park that she could make out as she happened upon it. Her calls pitched higher, more frantic with every disappointment. 

Lightning. A crumpled heap burned on her vision under a tree... the oak tree. 

"James..." his name whispered across her lips as she stood frozen for but a moment before making her way toward him, tripping over her numb feet and the edge of the sidewalk. Her feet sunk into the puddles in the saturated grass as she struggled up the small incline to finally drop to her knees beside him. She hesitated before reaching over and pulling him upright with his back against the oak.The lightning that lit his face reveal a long gash on the left side of his face, the blood trailing beneath the collar of his shirt. 

"James," she said softly caressing his face just past the gash.

His eyes fluttered open to look at her, a smile tugging at the right corner of his mouth. "Hey there, beautiful. I wondered when you would come along," he said, his voice husky with cold and strain. She gave a short, bitter laugh at his saying the same opening line as their first meeting in Drury Park.

She shook her head as she opened his coat enough to see the dark crimson spreading over the white of his shirt. She sniffed pathetically before looking back up at him, the lightning lighting his face for her to see. He watched her, his eyebrows furrowed just slightly as he reached up to stroke her face. "Don't look at me like that," he said softly and she felt her throat constrict around the accusations she wanted to throw. Why did he have to come to this park? Why hadn't he run like she asked him to? Why...why was he dying?

Instead she pushed her hair away from her face and half stood, trying to bring him up with her. "We need to get you to a doctor, James. Before it's..." she began but he pulled her back down with whatever strength he had left to him.

"Too late," he finished. "Besides," he murmured, "if I were to live, then you would still be a prisoner."

"No! I've made up my mind. We can escape together. I won't allow him to use me a day more... I--" she said stroking his face, willing him to see that she was stronger than when they had first met. But he was shaking his head and caught one of her hands in his. It was at this point that she realized he could no longer move his left arm. 

"Mary," he said. Just her name. Nothing more until she took a deep breath and looked at him--not to continue her train of thought but to listen to him. "I would not wish to free you from one man to have you become my prisoner." She shook her head wanting to tell him that she did not understand. "You'll understand one day... your freedom has been paid for... now, learn what it is... to be free." 

"But..."

"Mary," he whispered once more, and she looked at him, her heart squeezing painfully as another fork of lightning lit the park and his face. His beautiful, perfect face. She had fallen for the angel while in the hands of the devil. 

Mary kissed him almost before the thought permeated her mind. His lips were warm even as he lay dying, a testament to who he really was. Her own personal sun, she had thought at one time, but now a dying star. His arm wrapped about her waist for the last time as he kissed her softly, briefly, before allowing his head to rest on her chest. She shifted slightly so she could hold him in her arms one last time. 

They stayed like that for a time, Mary's breathing almost steady aside from the sniffs triggered by the tears that continued to slip with the raindrops down her cheeks onto his head, James' breathing getting shorter. His head shifted slightly and she looked down at the crown of his head.

"The beat of your heart...." he said, his words quieter now so she had to tilt her head further to catch them. "It matches the rain..." She let out a slightly strangled laugh, trying for light.

"Is that so?" Mary said just a soft. 

He hummed in a tired acknowledgment before whispering, "I find peace in the rain..." 

She hugged him more tightly at that before the silence returned.

It was broken only by the roll of thunder, although even that was drifting away with the eye of the storm. The rain however didn't give any sign of relenting. On instinct Mary kissed the top of James' head. 

"I love you, James..." she murmured. She felt him release a sigh and he stilled and the rain let up...misted...then stopped.

Writing prompts from pinterest are fantastic things aren't they?

What Hurts the Most

So firstly, I just want to say how much I love my little sister, Mikkaila, who is on her mission for the church. I did the math, and in two weeks she will be 1/3 of the way done with her mission (not that I will tell her that because if she wants to know she'll probably have it figured out already). I love how she takes what I write to her every week and responds just the way I need her to. Sometimes I wonder if she knows something I don't (which is entirely possible) but whatever it is, I'll let her keep it to herself until she gets back.

So it has been kind of great lately in the fact that although I haven't been getting tons of sleep, I am definitely getting back to myself. This is evident in the fact that it takes very little to make me smile or feel genuinely happy (i.e. a butterfly crossing my path or a sudden downpour of rain). However with this realization comes the realization that what I have been feeling has been a lot closer to true feeling than it has in the past year. For example, when I am brought to tears it is because I truly feel it deserves to be cried over and not simply because I spilled a little milk on the counter. Likewise, when I appreciate someone it is because I feel they truly deserve a place in my life rather than, "oh, he gave me attention! Let me lavish my attention on him!" No. If I am texting you, wanting to spend time with you... it's because I want you in my life, believe it or not.

I have been told by people in the past that they were purposefully avoiding me--which translated into their ignoring me--saying that it was for my good.

Now, I am pretty sure I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I don't respond well to being ignored. There are three levels of hurt in the texting world and I list them in order of how badly they hurt from least to greatest (not to be confused with greatest to least).

1. Words--whether they be on purpose or if what you're trying to say just doesn't translate into written form very well (seeing as one is denied the opportunity to see your expression or hear the inflection of your words). They can cause hurt, yes, but you are still communicating to an extent.
2. Confirmation--also known as the words that you eventually send to explain why you haven't been responding. I don't mean when you say that you were with friends/family/doctors/class--but when you say that you would rather carry a certain conversation on in person so as to avoid hurt number one. But most of the suspicions for the reason you have been ignoring me have been confirmed and, though it hurts, at least I know what is going on in your mind... more or less.
3. The Act of Ignoring--I am anxiety girl... able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound. I am also very apt at assuming that I have said something/done something horribly wrong in your eyes and that I, in fact, deserve to be ignored or you have something to tell me that is going to break my heart, etc, etc, etc.

Does this make sense? I know I am overzealous and have way more affection and love to give than some people neither expect or are used to or, perhaps, even want. It's a curse really.

I was brought up in a home where I was loved and knew it. Always. I never had to doubt. My younger brother was the type to insist upon goodnight kisses and hugs every day and it sort of rubbed off on me. And now every time I go home, me and my younger sister are quite cuddly. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes with the package.

I am an overzealous, detail-oriented, cuddle bug with more affection than I know what to do with. I think everyone deserves to be loved. If you are important to me, I will remember details about you, dates that are important to you. You will feel important.

Is there anything I have missed?

(This occurred to me the other day and I finally had a moment to write it up... it's something that has been on my mind for a few months now. XD)