I am going to start out by saying first: Happy Birthday to My Dear Ol' Dad! Who I love more than any man I know.
Second: I love my cousins and I am so grateful that my cousin married a man who can help me puzzle out the intricacies of my interactions with boys from the male perspective without holding back, even if what he has to say might not make me feel better about the situation.
Now to move onward.
What is friendship?
According Websters it is the state of being friendly, the quality or state of being friendly.
So what is being a friend?
-One attached to another by affection or esteem
-One that is not hostile
-A favored companion
Some might think me silly for giving so much thought to the topic but it has been at the forefront of my mind lately and I figured it couldn't hurt to think about it a little more thoroughly.
I was talking with a friend of mine the other day who said that he doesn't think that friendship really exists. That it is a cop out. I told him how depressing the thought was and he shrugged, saying it was simply realistic.
As I walked away and thought more about it, I came to a few conclusions. Not necessarily saying that he was right but I can see where it might have some truth to it. Between members of the same sex, it is really quite easy to refer to someone as a friend. The level of friendship is then established by words such as "best" or "closest" and sometimes even "new" or "old".
I think the problem with "friendship" comes when you start mixing men and women.
We have all heard of the "friend zone", right? When one refers to friends, it is usually in the light of affection and esteem as the above definition denotes. However, there is nothing positive or happy about the friend zone (at least for those who feel or know that they have been placed there). For those who might not be familiar with the term, the friend zone is where a female or male puts a member of the opposite sex that they may consider a "favored companion" but don't see the relationship developing into anything closer as in the romantic sense that people speak through when they say "I got to marry my best friend". (The irony of that statement is not lost on me, by the way.)
So the question is, how does one know they have been put in the friend zone and when it is a cop out as opposed to it being legitimate longing for friendship only? (Side note: cop out is defined as something that is done out of fear of failing.)
Unfortunately, the friend zoned person rarely gets to know the answer as to whether it is a cop out. Reason being either they never get a chance to speak to the one that put them there again or even if it was the latter reason they are so hung up on the fact that they have been placed into the friend zone that no matter what the responsible party says, they will assume that it is a cop out and thus dub the once dreamed of person to have copped out because they were too afraid to fall.
It is really unfortunate within the Mormon Young Adult culture that it seems encouraged among our peers that if you are friend zoned to just fly like a bat out of you-know-where away from them and try finding a different person with whom you could develop a romantic relationship.
But then there is me (or people like me) who would be willing to settle for the friend zone and be good and wholesome friends with the one doing the friend zoning. However, because of the aforementioned happening, some who do the friend zoning turn their backs on people like myself and stop progressing in their friendship.
This is probably the most disheartening thing that can happen. It is hard for me to comprehend the fact that I am good friends with my ex-boyfriend when I cannot even really cultivate a friendship with a guy I have been on one date with.
I have had my eyes opened a little though with recent happenings in my life. I have been on dates with a couple guys and after one date it would seem that they have already made up their minds that it won't be going anywhere with me even though the date went well and we didn't suffer for topics of conversation.
I allow myself to be all depressed about it for a day then I move on with life.
However, I am also a culprit of doing just such a thing. There have been a couple guys that I have had the opportunity to go on more than one date with but I have rejected the second date because I have already made up my mind that all I want is friendship from them. So, I guess what I am saying, if the next guy who takes me on a date wants a second and perhaps a third date, I am going to open-minded and give them those chances. Because, who knows? Maybe the first date, if it feels it went a little awkwardly, was simply because it was a first date and they were too nervous to act like themselves?
Not saying that this will solve all the awkwardness between us, but at least they will have a chance at a second and third impression.
So here is to a new start. I am not going to totally give up on cultivating friendships with those I feel I have been friend zoned by but I am not going to wait around hoping that certain persons will suddenly "come to the light" and realize that it could possibly work and it is now up to them to take the leap and simply try. The worst that could happen is that we will find that we are better suited for friendship. I mean, really. Is that really that much of a cost at all?
When will you be ready and in a position to be in a relationship?
Relationships of convenience are not real relationships. A relationship is something two people have to work at. Compromise, discussion, maybe even a disagreement or two is a natural occurrence within a budding and growing relationship. The true test is how hard you are willing to fight to make it work when it can and learning when to let go when it could never work no matter how much the two of you try. (Two. Both. It is not a single person's fight.)
I just thought of a song by Landon Pigg. It is called the Boy Who Never:
The strongest structures ever built
Are the ones that don't get built at all
And the kind of bricks that don't get laid
Are the only kind that never fall
He taught himself how not to lose
By never really trying to win
That's how the man in front of you became
The boy who never
I'm afraid of what might happen if
Together we build a wall
'Cause the only kind of love that never gets built
Is the only kind of love that never falls
So I'll forfeit future tears of joy to save us both from pain
I could kiss you now but I'd only miss you more
When I walk away, when I walk away
I never let my heart speak through my lips
I never let my hands rest on your hips
I never said I love you but a heart never lies
I know you heard me say when I said it with my eyes
So I'll forfeit future tears of joy to save us both from pain
I could kiss you now but I'd only miss you more
He taught himself how not to lose
By never really trying to win
That's how the man in front of you became
The boy who never, boy who never
And lastly, it makes me think of the song The Dance by Garth Brooks of which I will only include a small snippet:
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance
And that is the end of this particular walk through the mind of Cassidy. I hope you all have a great week!
18 March 2013
09 March 2013
Fontanelle
The last few days have been interesting to say the least. I feel sort of cut off from the world if you will during the facebook fast of mine. I mean, I have no idea what anyone else is doing for their weekend, let alone what they ate for their artsy midday snack. But then again, I suppose it is good to recognize the pros and cons of technology in general.
Take, for example, some plans I thought I might have for this Saturday night. Usually, I would await an invitation on the social media to the event but to confirm that I indeed had my Saturday evening to myself, I had to make a phone call to confirm. (Anyone who knows me knows I pretty much entirely loathe phone calls... ironic that I work in a call center-- so it is always a pretty big deal to my nervous system when I get up the drive to actually make a phone call... ridiculous, I know, but I guess that is what I get for growing up in this text/IM based age.) But aside from that and not knowing what my little sister's plans are for her birthday tomorrow, I have quite a bit more time to myself.
I have actually taken to starting the Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien and I tell you what, it is a lot easier to take in and digest the writing style and material at 22 than it was in my 6th grade year of elementary school. It is a great piece though and I cannot wait to see what the rest has in store for my creative and imaginative thought processes
Now to address my title. Aside from having the intense pleasure of spending the afternoon with my friend, Miss Bennett, eating fries and Frostys while talking about the intricacies of life (that may or may not have addressed the ridiculous yet fun experiences of dating), we went to the matinee showing of Fontanelle, the play writing debut of a Mr. Bushman (a friend of mine who I think is going to go a long way). It was quite the play, to be sure.
Firstly, might I point out my love of the small details? Well-- within this play, there is a pet turtle (not the main focus, of course, but still integral) and I was delighted to see that they used an actual turtle! (I think there might even have been two... but I could be wrong.)
Also, toward the very end of the play, two of the characters briefly touch on how much it rains in the month of April (probably why it is one of my favorite months) and the boy (played by a certain Mr. Isaacs) had left his hat sitting on the ground to catch the rain. The kiss that the audience was waiting for happens and then! He puts his hat on and totally drenches himself! Of course this play was done inside and it didn't rain at all today but, ah, the love and attention to the details of the script. That is what makes it rich.
It also helps when you cast the characters perfectly and I suppose if I were to ever see it performed by a different cast, I would forever be biased to this first exposure and the love I developed for the actors as they embodied the characters they were cast to play. But I get ahead of myself.
I should probably lay out a synopsis. April Wellington is a college-age girl who has been raised by her mother, Caroline. Her father is an architect who chose his work over Caroline and his daughter after he gets an offer in Paris, France. Of course at first Caroline tries to make it work although she never wanted to leave Pittsburgh, but her emotions and nerves become completely frayed and she ends up moving back to Pittsburgh with April.
It is mother and daughter for ten years. Out of the blue, Mr. Patrick Wellington comes home. (During his short stay, the Twin Towers are brought down on September 11-- a beautiful parallel of things that happen when they are least expected and definitely grounding.) When April's father asks Caroline to start afresh with him (even asking her to move though he should know by now how she feels toward anywhere that is not Pittsburgh), Caroline blocks him out. And although he had promised that he and April would do something together after school, he gathers his things and leaves.
When Patrick passes away in a car crash, April's boyfriend finally convinces her to travel to Pittsburgh with him so that she can make amends with her mother who she stopped trying to understand and respond to feeling that Caroline is stuck in a dream world where she blocks out everything that might affect her in a negative way.
Now, with Caroline's poor history with men, she believes all men are dogs and that her daughter should give none of them the time of day. It is rather beautiful though how April helps Caroline snap back to reality-- Patrick may not have been able to get past his love of work but he loved Caroline until the end and not all men were the same (although they all do dumb things from time to time.... but then again doesn't anybody? I mean it, I am not letting Caroline off the hook completely but that can wait a moment...).
That is when she introduces Kyle (the boyfriend) and we fade out...
Ah! There are so many intricacies in this play! I really wish I had had the funds to watch it again for the night showing so that I could give a more rounded and clear review but I suppose this will have to do.
Firstly, I love the way they chose to present it. It was a very simple set (my favorite kind, although every now and again it is nice to see brilliant orchestrated backdrops such as are seen in the Phantom of the Opera and other such large scale plays and musicals) and I will admit it confused me a little at first because the first to enter are April and Kyle obviously coming to Pittsburgh in the morning but then she starts talking of Caroline waking up followed closely by Caroline walking on set... but they do not interact. Then it hit me when they went back to Kyle and April (after having introduced Caroline's best friend and the fact that there was to be no child portraying the toddler April but rather having the actors act to space [which was a brilliant choice... especially seeing as at one point, Caroline practically screams at April to stop crying and it would have been just that much harder to watch had an actual child been on the receiving end]) but they were in two different time frames!
(Side, side note--- the thing I love about Ted as a playwright is the fact that his concepts could easily be adapted in film format.)
Anyway, it was interesting to see Caroline and Patrick get older and realize that they have a hard time communicating. In my perception, Caroline is so very unyielding at times to seem ridiculously stubborn and hard to work with. However, it does not help that Patrick finds a way to get what he wants (first by dancing around the subject and moving to Paris anyway without weighing all the pros and cons with Caroline) and then when she has finally snapped, he ignores her upset condition, thinking that somehow it will work out.
The final straw is when she leaves but he does not follow. For ten years. Her point is poignant when she asks him why he comes back and when he talks of staying to be a father to April she finds he isn't coming for her like, undoubtedly, she was always hoping he would over the ten long years she has had to stew about the whole predicament.
(Heavens, I wish I could be so much more articulate about everything that I loved about this play.)
Jumping to the acting: April was excellent. They used the same girl for both the 20+ aged April as they used for the pre-teen child. It was fun to watch her let herself be so childlike in tantrums and the genuine naivety of a child when Patrick comes back into their lives even for that brief moment. As they sat and watched the Twin Towers falling over and over again on the television, just the two of them, she proclaims that she knows he is going to stay with them. He asks how. She says she just knows. Children are so quick to hope and look for the best in people--it makes one wonder what the world would be like if we were to never lose the surety that we used to face life with as kids. Every day was an adventure but our parents would be there, and there was always someone to support us (at least this was my experience growing up and I am thankful for it).
An interesting thought that was brought up within the play surprised me in the fact that this play was written by a young man of 22. I don't believe it was a "main theme" so to speak, but toward the beginning of the play, April confronts Kyle about her appearance and whether he finds her pretty (this being around the same breaths of conversation in which they discussed why he was withholding his first kiss from her).
Insight to Cassidy moment: I have always wondered what it would be like to have grown up without my father and brothers. I have never questioned whether they thought me pretty. Even my older brother who I am sure thought me a pest oftener than not would tell me from time to time what made me pretty. My younger brother would embarrass me with his proclamations of how pretty he thought I was. And my father? I have never doubted his opinion of me--even the first time I cut my hair short after having had long hair for a good 6 or so years, he thought me pretty and told me so.
My heart aches for the young women whom search for acceptance and "love" from the men around them by displaying their bodies in the ways that the media tells them is the way to attract the opposite sex and get them to tell them that they are beautiful.
Heavenly Father set forth the organization of the family for more than one glorious purpose, I am sure. But how loving His mind was to hope to bless each of His daughters with earthly fathers whom would love them for just being themselves! Whom would tell them that they are beautiful even on their off days! It breaks my heart further when a girl has a father but he does not uphold his job, his sacred duty, to love her and show her how a man should treat her. Dignity and respect and love. Why must men give in to addiction and abuse that creates the anger and unjustified self-righteousness that makes them feel justified in breaking the hearts of their daughters?
How many tears must He count from the eyes of His daughters who He has entrusted to men that before being sent here vowed that they would protect their honor, virtue and integrity? Makeup will only cover black eyes for the busy passer-by. Their deaths will not go unanswered for! Arise and be men. Stop subjecting your daughters to the pain that you should be protecting them from.
I love my Father, my father and brothers. And I am so grateful for the men who protect their daughters and raise up their sons to be men ready and willing to rise to the call of our Father to be the protectors of His daughters.
On this note, I am also thankful for my mother who taught me how to treat men who treat me right and how to tactfully brush past those who will bring me no good--whether it be their own choice or the way they were raised.
And I am also thankful for women who nurture their sons and daughters the way the Lord intended them to instead of twisting their perceptions of what is expected of them when they move on with their lives and are set to live on their own. Women who also allow their husbands to love them and who love and show appreciation for the good things that their husbands do. (I am certainly a big fan of instilling gentlemanly propriety and manners in young men even when they are in single digits-- when a door is opened for me whether it be to a building or to a car, I feel loved and respected. I know some women say that chivalry is dead and that a man opening a car door for them makes them seem weak and dependent but you know what? Heck with that! There are times when I girl needs help into a car! Especially when she might be wearing heels... and I'm not even going to go into the whole pencil skirt thing. But winter times are especially dangerous, I will have you know...)
Wow... that was quite some tangent. I apologize.
Now where was I...
Ah yes. Aside from the insight that was shown toward the insecurities girls have, there was also the comical moment when a first time father is thrown into the situation of trying to give his teenage daughter advice and good quality analogies to get her through the more trying periods of her life... and utterly failing. But the daughter still getting something out of it in the end.
And that brings us to the title of the play: Fontanelle.
The definition that Patrick gives to April is that fontanelles are the air pockets of a turtles shell that makes it light enough to carry all its life on its back. (Hence the turtle throughout the play.) He tells her this in reference to her yellow rain boots, saying that they are her way of being able to walk on air, tread lightly through life, etc.
At the end of the play, Kyle mentions that her boots must be her fontanelle. She gives him a curious look having just remembered the memory of her and Patrick speaking of the definition of fontanelle and asks Kyle to tell her the definition. He proceeds to give her the one that is usually first in the dictionary (from what I can guess from looking it up on google to be sure I got it right). Fontanelles are the spaces covered in membrane between the five separate plates of an infants skull that make it so the infants head can move through the birth canal. The point being, that the fontanelles are what make it possible to get through.
To get through. The boots might not help her walk on air or float over her hardships and trials but the fact that they have been an integral symbol throughout her life shows that perhaps they are what she has used to get through her past hardships and what will help carry her through the death of Patrick and the renewing of the relationship between April and Caroline.
Have I said how much I loved this play?
Anyway. Now that I have been working on this blog for the past couple hours (a long pause at the beginning due to my roommate putting Gilmore Girls on in the same room as me possibly being one of the main distractions) I think it is about time to lay it to rest for now.
Until I write again.
Take, for example, some plans I thought I might have for this Saturday night. Usually, I would await an invitation on the social media to the event but to confirm that I indeed had my Saturday evening to myself, I had to make a phone call to confirm. (Anyone who knows me knows I pretty much entirely loathe phone calls... ironic that I work in a call center-- so it is always a pretty big deal to my nervous system when I get up the drive to actually make a phone call... ridiculous, I know, but I guess that is what I get for growing up in this text/IM based age.) But aside from that and not knowing what my little sister's plans are for her birthday tomorrow, I have quite a bit more time to myself.
I have actually taken to starting the Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien and I tell you what, it is a lot easier to take in and digest the writing style and material at 22 than it was in my 6th grade year of elementary school. It is a great piece though and I cannot wait to see what the rest has in store for my creative and imaginative thought processes
Now to address my title. Aside from having the intense pleasure of spending the afternoon with my friend, Miss Bennett, eating fries and Frostys while talking about the intricacies of life (that may or may not have addressed the ridiculous yet fun experiences of dating), we went to the matinee showing of Fontanelle, the play writing debut of a Mr. Bushman (a friend of mine who I think is going to go a long way). It was quite the play, to be sure.
Firstly, might I point out my love of the small details? Well-- within this play, there is a pet turtle (not the main focus, of course, but still integral) and I was delighted to see that they used an actual turtle! (I think there might even have been two... but I could be wrong.)
Also, toward the very end of the play, two of the characters briefly touch on how much it rains in the month of April (probably why it is one of my favorite months) and the boy (played by a certain Mr. Isaacs) had left his hat sitting on the ground to catch the rain. The kiss that the audience was waiting for happens and then! He puts his hat on and totally drenches himself! Of course this play was done inside and it didn't rain at all today but, ah, the love and attention to the details of the script. That is what makes it rich.
It also helps when you cast the characters perfectly and I suppose if I were to ever see it performed by a different cast, I would forever be biased to this first exposure and the love I developed for the actors as they embodied the characters they were cast to play. But I get ahead of myself.
I should probably lay out a synopsis. April Wellington is a college-age girl who has been raised by her mother, Caroline. Her father is an architect who chose his work over Caroline and his daughter after he gets an offer in Paris, France. Of course at first Caroline tries to make it work although she never wanted to leave Pittsburgh, but her emotions and nerves become completely frayed and she ends up moving back to Pittsburgh with April.
It is mother and daughter for ten years. Out of the blue, Mr. Patrick Wellington comes home. (During his short stay, the Twin Towers are brought down on September 11-- a beautiful parallel of things that happen when they are least expected and definitely grounding.) When April's father asks Caroline to start afresh with him (even asking her to move though he should know by now how she feels toward anywhere that is not Pittsburgh), Caroline blocks him out. And although he had promised that he and April would do something together after school, he gathers his things and leaves.
When Patrick passes away in a car crash, April's boyfriend finally convinces her to travel to Pittsburgh with him so that she can make amends with her mother who she stopped trying to understand and respond to feeling that Caroline is stuck in a dream world where she blocks out everything that might affect her in a negative way.
Now, with Caroline's poor history with men, she believes all men are dogs and that her daughter should give none of them the time of day. It is rather beautiful though how April helps Caroline snap back to reality-- Patrick may not have been able to get past his love of work but he loved Caroline until the end and not all men were the same (although they all do dumb things from time to time.... but then again doesn't anybody? I mean it, I am not letting Caroline off the hook completely but that can wait a moment...).
That is when she introduces Kyle (the boyfriend) and we fade out...
Ah! There are so many intricacies in this play! I really wish I had had the funds to watch it again for the night showing so that I could give a more rounded and clear review but I suppose this will have to do.
Firstly, I love the way they chose to present it. It was a very simple set (my favorite kind, although every now and again it is nice to see brilliant orchestrated backdrops such as are seen in the Phantom of the Opera and other such large scale plays and musicals) and I will admit it confused me a little at first because the first to enter are April and Kyle obviously coming to Pittsburgh in the morning but then she starts talking of Caroline waking up followed closely by Caroline walking on set... but they do not interact. Then it hit me when they went back to Kyle and April (after having introduced Caroline's best friend and the fact that there was to be no child portraying the toddler April but rather having the actors act to space [which was a brilliant choice... especially seeing as at one point, Caroline practically screams at April to stop crying and it would have been just that much harder to watch had an actual child been on the receiving end]) but they were in two different time frames!
(Side, side note--- the thing I love about Ted as a playwright is the fact that his concepts could easily be adapted in film format.)
Anyway, it was interesting to see Caroline and Patrick get older and realize that they have a hard time communicating. In my perception, Caroline is so very unyielding at times to seem ridiculously stubborn and hard to work with. However, it does not help that Patrick finds a way to get what he wants (first by dancing around the subject and moving to Paris anyway without weighing all the pros and cons with Caroline) and then when she has finally snapped, he ignores her upset condition, thinking that somehow it will work out.
The final straw is when she leaves but he does not follow. For ten years. Her point is poignant when she asks him why he comes back and when he talks of staying to be a father to April she finds he isn't coming for her like, undoubtedly, she was always hoping he would over the ten long years she has had to stew about the whole predicament.
(Heavens, I wish I could be so much more articulate about everything that I loved about this play.)
Jumping to the acting: April was excellent. They used the same girl for both the 20+ aged April as they used for the pre-teen child. It was fun to watch her let herself be so childlike in tantrums and the genuine naivety of a child when Patrick comes back into their lives even for that brief moment. As they sat and watched the Twin Towers falling over and over again on the television, just the two of them, she proclaims that she knows he is going to stay with them. He asks how. She says she just knows. Children are so quick to hope and look for the best in people--it makes one wonder what the world would be like if we were to never lose the surety that we used to face life with as kids. Every day was an adventure but our parents would be there, and there was always someone to support us (at least this was my experience growing up and I am thankful for it).
An interesting thought that was brought up within the play surprised me in the fact that this play was written by a young man of 22. I don't believe it was a "main theme" so to speak, but toward the beginning of the play, April confronts Kyle about her appearance and whether he finds her pretty (this being around the same breaths of conversation in which they discussed why he was withholding his first kiss from her).
Insight to Cassidy moment: I have always wondered what it would be like to have grown up without my father and brothers. I have never questioned whether they thought me pretty. Even my older brother who I am sure thought me a pest oftener than not would tell me from time to time what made me pretty. My younger brother would embarrass me with his proclamations of how pretty he thought I was. And my father? I have never doubted his opinion of me--even the first time I cut my hair short after having had long hair for a good 6 or so years, he thought me pretty and told me so.
My heart aches for the young women whom search for acceptance and "love" from the men around them by displaying their bodies in the ways that the media tells them is the way to attract the opposite sex and get them to tell them that they are beautiful.
Heavenly Father set forth the organization of the family for more than one glorious purpose, I am sure. But how loving His mind was to hope to bless each of His daughters with earthly fathers whom would love them for just being themselves! Whom would tell them that they are beautiful even on their off days! It breaks my heart further when a girl has a father but he does not uphold his job, his sacred duty, to love her and show her how a man should treat her. Dignity and respect and love. Why must men give in to addiction and abuse that creates the anger and unjustified self-righteousness that makes them feel justified in breaking the hearts of their daughters?
How many tears must He count from the eyes of His daughters who He has entrusted to men that before being sent here vowed that they would protect their honor, virtue and integrity? Makeup will only cover black eyes for the busy passer-by. Their deaths will not go unanswered for! Arise and be men. Stop subjecting your daughters to the pain that you should be protecting them from.
I love my Father, my father and brothers. And I am so grateful for the men who protect their daughters and raise up their sons to be men ready and willing to rise to the call of our Father to be the protectors of His daughters.
On this note, I am also thankful for my mother who taught me how to treat men who treat me right and how to tactfully brush past those who will bring me no good--whether it be their own choice or the way they were raised.
And I am also thankful for women who nurture their sons and daughters the way the Lord intended them to instead of twisting their perceptions of what is expected of them when they move on with their lives and are set to live on their own. Women who also allow their husbands to love them and who love and show appreciation for the good things that their husbands do. (I am certainly a big fan of instilling gentlemanly propriety and manners in young men even when they are in single digits-- when a door is opened for me whether it be to a building or to a car, I feel loved and respected. I know some women say that chivalry is dead and that a man opening a car door for them makes them seem weak and dependent but you know what? Heck with that! There are times when I girl needs help into a car! Especially when she might be wearing heels... and I'm not even going to go into the whole pencil skirt thing. But winter times are especially dangerous, I will have you know...)
Wow... that was quite some tangent. I apologize.
Now where was I...
Ah yes. Aside from the insight that was shown toward the insecurities girls have, there was also the comical moment when a first time father is thrown into the situation of trying to give his teenage daughter advice and good quality analogies to get her through the more trying periods of her life... and utterly failing. But the daughter still getting something out of it in the end.
And that brings us to the title of the play: Fontanelle.
The definition that Patrick gives to April is that fontanelles are the air pockets of a turtles shell that makes it light enough to carry all its life on its back. (Hence the turtle throughout the play.) He tells her this in reference to her yellow rain boots, saying that they are her way of being able to walk on air, tread lightly through life, etc.
At the end of the play, Kyle mentions that her boots must be her fontanelle. She gives him a curious look having just remembered the memory of her and Patrick speaking of the definition of fontanelle and asks Kyle to tell her the definition. He proceeds to give her the one that is usually first in the dictionary (from what I can guess from looking it up on google to be sure I got it right). Fontanelles are the spaces covered in membrane between the five separate plates of an infants skull that make it so the infants head can move through the birth canal. The point being, that the fontanelles are what make it possible to get through.
To get through. The boots might not help her walk on air or float over her hardships and trials but the fact that they have been an integral symbol throughout her life shows that perhaps they are what she has used to get through her past hardships and what will help carry her through the death of Patrick and the renewing of the relationship between April and Caroline.
Have I said how much I loved this play?
Anyway. Now that I have been working on this blog for the past couple hours (a long pause at the beginning due to my roommate putting Gilmore Girls on in the same room as me possibly being one of the main distractions) I think it is about time to lay it to rest for now.
Until I write again.
07 March 2013
Change and Yearning for Spring
6 weeks.
I have decided that 6 weeks is a long enough period of Cassidy being blonde. That's right. I have finally returned to being a brunette. About time too, apparently, from how happy I was to have brown hair once more. So, unfortunately, if there was any one falling in love with me because of my recent blonde photographs, I am going to lose the following. Hah!
I will probably miss it after a while but someone please remind me how hard it was to find good outfits with blonde hair if I ever start talking about possibly doing it again.
On top of all that, I am growing my hair out, once and for all! I will have some pretty funky looking hair for the next few months but it will all be worth it. I was really missing my long hair this morning during my dance class. Why? We are dancing to Hairspray--- very 60's and all about having fantastic updo's.I wonder if any other girls whom have cut their hair short like me have these, but I have dreams of my hair being long again... it is quite depressing when one awakes to find they are not even close to the length in the dream... alas, I suppose that is a good sign that it is time to grow it out again.
Aside from that, not much else has changed drastically in my appearance but I have started wearing my retainer again. I finally started to get sick of the fact that my top teeth have shifted just a couple hairs so here is to hoping that if I faithfully wear it, they will move back into place. If they return to where they are supposed to be, it will be worth the discomfort.
My photography friend says that we will be looking to do another shoot here pretty soon. And we will be working outside this time! Thankfully, it would seem that the weather is turning to spring here in a bit which will make it nice to be outside for photography rather than braving the snowy tundras...
I had a question posed to me the other day about how I would feel about living in Utah. Well, those who know me now know that I despise living here purely because of its ridiculous weather mood swings and the dryness of the air. But before I could give my natural answer and reaction, they clarified that they meant for after school. When I have no reason that keeps me here aside from the fact that, possibly, I am married and thus have to compromise with my husband.
To this I say, you know what? It would not be the worst thing ever to live here in Utah if one were married. Especially in the winter which is my least favorite part of Utah--because at least then I would I have someone to come home to and snuggle with. In the end, if we had to stay here because this was where he could get work, then bring it on Utah! I will stay by his side!
But it would be a nice end goal to move out of Utah. And where would I go?
Well, I have heard of some pretty spots on the east coast---but I do have a great fondness for the west coast and I spent a great deal of my youth in the valley... so, as long as camping was in a reasonable distance away, I could live in the California valley. But truth be told, if I could live in Oregon or Washington (the more western the better), then I would be completely content with my living situation.
Chances are, however, that if I am still single by the time I graduate from BYU, I will more than likely zip back over to the coast of Oregon and live my life there (unless of course the Lord wants me somewhere else... with that in mind, I will probably be in Utah til the day I die... lovely thought).
All that aside, I really do look forward to spring--not to the allergies it will probably bring with it-- but the warm sunshine and spring rain that won't turn to snow... ah, that is the best! Ironically, I also look forward to the first few nights of summer. The sun stays out longer, when you ride in the car with the windows down, the wind is perfect. Can you not just picture it? And feel it?
Until next time.
I have decided that 6 weeks is a long enough period of Cassidy being blonde. That's right. I have finally returned to being a brunette. About time too, apparently, from how happy I was to have brown hair once more. So, unfortunately, if there was any one falling in love with me because of my recent blonde photographs, I am going to lose the following. Hah!
I will probably miss it after a while but someone please remind me how hard it was to find good outfits with blonde hair if I ever start talking about possibly doing it again.
On top of all that, I am growing my hair out, once and for all! I will have some pretty funky looking hair for the next few months but it will all be worth it. I was really missing my long hair this morning during my dance class. Why? We are dancing to Hairspray--- very 60's and all about having fantastic updo's.I wonder if any other girls whom have cut their hair short like me have these, but I have dreams of my hair being long again... it is quite depressing when one awakes to find they are not even close to the length in the dream... alas, I suppose that is a good sign that it is time to grow it out again.
Aside from that, not much else has changed drastically in my appearance but I have started wearing my retainer again. I finally started to get sick of the fact that my top teeth have shifted just a couple hairs so here is to hoping that if I faithfully wear it, they will move back into place. If they return to where they are supposed to be, it will be worth the discomfort.
My photography friend says that we will be looking to do another shoot here pretty soon. And we will be working outside this time! Thankfully, it would seem that the weather is turning to spring here in a bit which will make it nice to be outside for photography rather than braving the snowy tundras...
I had a question posed to me the other day about how I would feel about living in Utah. Well, those who know me now know that I despise living here purely because of its ridiculous weather mood swings and the dryness of the air. But before I could give my natural answer and reaction, they clarified that they meant for after school. When I have no reason that keeps me here aside from the fact that, possibly, I am married and thus have to compromise with my husband.
To this I say, you know what? It would not be the worst thing ever to live here in Utah if one were married. Especially in the winter which is my least favorite part of Utah--because at least then I would I have someone to come home to and snuggle with. In the end, if we had to stay here because this was where he could get work, then bring it on Utah! I will stay by his side!
But it would be a nice end goal to move out of Utah. And where would I go?
Well, I have heard of some pretty spots on the east coast---but I do have a great fondness for the west coast and I spent a great deal of my youth in the valley... so, as long as camping was in a reasonable distance away, I could live in the California valley. But truth be told, if I could live in Oregon or Washington (the more western the better), then I would be completely content with my living situation.
Chances are, however, that if I am still single by the time I graduate from BYU, I will more than likely zip back over to the coast of Oregon and live my life there (unless of course the Lord wants me somewhere else... with that in mind, I will probably be in Utah til the day I die... lovely thought).
All that aside, I really do look forward to spring--not to the allergies it will probably bring with it-- but the warm sunshine and spring rain that won't turn to snow... ah, that is the best! Ironically, I also look forward to the first few nights of summer. The sun stays out longer, when you ride in the car with the windows down, the wind is perfect. Can you not just picture it? And feel it?
Until next time.
05 March 2013
Bucket List
So, I have decided to make a bucket list. Surprisingly, I do not think I have ever written one out. Chances are I will edit this post from time with new items for my list but until then here is what I have:
1. Travel further east than Utah.
2. Visit all the temples in Utah (even if just to walk the grounds).
3. Write one good book.
4. Write one song.
5. Read all of Tolkien's books.
6. Read all of the Narnia books.
7. Travel to either Europe or Japan.
8. Waltz in the rain.
9. Sing with a band.
10. Memorize the poem, the Lady of Shalott.
11. Take my kids to Disneyland.
12. Enter the Portland, OR temple at least once.
13. Hike to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.
14. Go snowshoeing.
15. Make homemade pie, successfully (crust and all).
That is all I can think of for now... there is definitely room for improvement. But I need sleep. So. Goodnight.
04 March 2013
Moving On
I have realized something.
In the past year I have had my share of heart ache (whether it was fair or not is not really the point). I continued living and believed I had moved on. But just a few minutes ago I was on (surprise) pinterest and reading quotes, relatable and inspirational. As I was reading, a lot of quotes that had to do with missing someone started popping up. Not the, "I miss my grandmother because she passed away," type but, "I am so sad we broke up and even more so because we are never ever getting back together."
Now back up a couple of weeks. I was in the Deseret Book store and while perusing the clearance books, I stumbled upon one called Don't Throw Rocks at His Window: Real Advice to Mend a Broken Heart by Julie C. Donaldson. The title made me laugh and so I picked up the book and read the back. My laughter turned to thoughtful silence as I read the summary and suddenly I found that I was not about to put that book back on the shelf until I had read it.
Upon reading it, I will admit, there were quite the handful of relationship related stories that had me laughing in a mixture of disbelief that they had actually happened and pure entertainment (which in hindsight is a little mean considering some of these people were quite brokenhearted at the time).
By the end of the book, I had picked up on something: getting over heartbreak is half making the decision to get over the person who broke your heart and half following through with that decision by getting to know yourself better, the people around you and even developing new hobbies to help build up a bit of that self-confidence that got blasted away when the words were said: we need to break up.
And thereafter, I started my real healing. I finally really did let go and decide, "You know what, self? I think it is just about time to move on!" The power of positive thinking is quite astounding really...
Anyway back to the point at the top (trust me, it is most definitely all related) another point the book brought up was how when we first break up with someone (if we do not get a hold of ourselves and fast) we start the unhealthy trend of listening to the usual break up songs. And then... there are the quotes.
"Sometimes, I miss you so much my heart breaks a little."
"When I text you it means I miss you. When I don't text you it means I'm waiting for you to miss me."
And the like. Now. Some might look at the first and think, "But perhaps that is related to a loved one who has passed on." Yes. I can see your point. However, when the picture in the background is of two teenagers embracing...? Yeah. No. And the texts? Okay. I will admit that at first glance (meaning the first time I saw it) I was totally agreeing with it. "It speaks to me!" I probably thought and I don't doubt that I pinned it on one of my boards (which by the way will be going through a quick perusal by me after I am done here) but you know what? We shouldn't be waiting around for a guy to text us! There are times when I miss someone but I don't turn around and text them immediately. Who knows? Maybe the man (note, MAN not boy) of your dreams is missing you like crazy but wants to wait until he can tell you to your face how much he missed you? Or maybe call?
But for heaven's sake. Do not wait. You are much more interesting if you are moving and making a life for yourself. Do not plan around something that might never happen!
Moving on...
Whilst we pine away after the boys that are never coming back to retrieve us, how many opportunities are we missing? If the guy has given you up, there is no reason he deserves your putting your life on hold and throwing your own personal pity parties. (Honestly, if he were to come back to you and you were the same person he had broken up with, why would you assume the results would be different? Just a side thought...)
So. Here I stand. I will glance back from time to time to reminisce as we as humans are apt to do but I will not desire to be back in that time. I will not be as Lot's wife--looking back and yearning to return to stay. No more dwelling and drudging up the past that can never be again. No more saying, "I am over him!" whilst I continue to think of how terribly I miss him.
No sir. Or ma'am. Whatever the case may be.
In the past year I have had my share of heart ache (whether it was fair or not is not really the point). I continued living and believed I had moved on. But just a few minutes ago I was on (surprise) pinterest and reading quotes, relatable and inspirational. As I was reading, a lot of quotes that had to do with missing someone started popping up. Not the, "I miss my grandmother because she passed away," type but, "I am so sad we broke up and even more so because we are never ever getting back together."
Now back up a couple of weeks. I was in the Deseret Book store and while perusing the clearance books, I stumbled upon one called Don't Throw Rocks at His Window: Real Advice to Mend a Broken Heart by Julie C. Donaldson. The title made me laugh and so I picked up the book and read the back. My laughter turned to thoughtful silence as I read the summary and suddenly I found that I was not about to put that book back on the shelf until I had read it.
Upon reading it, I will admit, there were quite the handful of relationship related stories that had me laughing in a mixture of disbelief that they had actually happened and pure entertainment (which in hindsight is a little mean considering some of these people were quite brokenhearted at the time).
By the end of the book, I had picked up on something: getting over heartbreak is half making the decision to get over the person who broke your heart and half following through with that decision by getting to know yourself better, the people around you and even developing new hobbies to help build up a bit of that self-confidence that got blasted away when the words were said: we need to break up.
And thereafter, I started my real healing. I finally really did let go and decide, "You know what, self? I think it is just about time to move on!" The power of positive thinking is quite astounding really...
Anyway back to the point at the top (trust me, it is most definitely all related) another point the book brought up was how when we first break up with someone (if we do not get a hold of ourselves and fast) we start the unhealthy trend of listening to the usual break up songs. And then... there are the quotes.
"Sometimes, I miss you so much my heart breaks a little."
"When I text you it means I miss you. When I don't text you it means I'm waiting for you to miss me."
And the like. Now. Some might look at the first and think, "But perhaps that is related to a loved one who has passed on." Yes. I can see your point. However, when the picture in the background is of two teenagers embracing...? Yeah. No. And the texts? Okay. I will admit that at first glance (meaning the first time I saw it) I was totally agreeing with it. "It speaks to me!" I probably thought and I don't doubt that I pinned it on one of my boards (which by the way will be going through a quick perusal by me after I am done here) but you know what? We shouldn't be waiting around for a guy to text us! There are times when I miss someone but I don't turn around and text them immediately. Who knows? Maybe the man (note, MAN not boy) of your dreams is missing you like crazy but wants to wait until he can tell you to your face how much he missed you? Or maybe call?
But for heaven's sake. Do not wait. You are much more interesting if you are moving and making a life for yourself. Do not plan around something that might never happen!
Moving on...
Whilst we pine away after the boys that are never coming back to retrieve us, how many opportunities are we missing? If the guy has given you up, there is no reason he deserves your putting your life on hold and throwing your own personal pity parties. (Honestly, if he were to come back to you and you were the same person he had broken up with, why would you assume the results would be different? Just a side thought...)
So. Here I stand. I will glance back from time to time to reminisce as we as humans are apt to do but I will not desire to be back in that time. I will not be as Lot's wife--looking back and yearning to return to stay. No more dwelling and drudging up the past that can never be again. No more saying, "I am over him!" whilst I continue to think of how terribly I miss him.
No sir. Or ma'am. Whatever the case may be.
When people walk away from you,
let them go.
Your destiny is never tied to anyone
who leaves you.
And it doesn't mean that they are bad people.
It just means that their part in your story
is over.
Move along like I know you do.
And here I am. I have realized that I had never truly moved on. But you know what? I am changing that. Right now. It is a bright new day and I will move forward in faith. One final thought:
God is in the details. You may have planned out something you think is spectacular but He has written for you a story better than any Hollywood plot. And I believe that.
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