February

You know that feeling of possibility that comes at the beginning of a new month? The feeling that comes after you have made it through another nail-biter and come out a little ruffled but ready for the next challenge?

February has come and with it a new beginning. A few new beginnings, in fact. And I am grateful for every single one of them. I am thankful for the ability to say that I will do better this month in my relationships with family and friends. I will do better with my spiritual progress and the healing of my emotional soul. 

Another thing I have found a great need to be thankful for is my uniqueness. I am anything but your average every day "woman" or at least what the world has taught us to believe is the average woman. 

I say this because not all of us (male or female) make connections with those around us with ulterior motives. Honestly, I could not begin to explain why I fight for one connection or friendship as compared to another one. I cannot always explain my own feelings or justification for doing the things I do. 

However, I can promise that if you have my friendship, that is what it is. You will know if I expect anything else from you or rather from us. 

Something else that intrigues me is when a person asks if they can ask me a question and have me answer honestly. Why would I answer dishonestly? If you take the time to get to know me and have the desire to understand me you will realize that I will answer honestly--and if I cannot answer for one reason or another, I will own up to it. 

Something else that has come to my attention is my apparent knack for holding a memory down to the finest details even years after it has occurred. Most have forgotten the memory but when forced to think about it, I have come to the conclusion that it is because I have the mind of a writer and performer. From a young age, I realized that any experience that comes my way is something that I can use to enrich and enliven my writing and performances with a ring of truth. I admit that some of these memories are tied to vivid emotions and feelings of the time but don't we all have experiences like that? 

Even the days you spend together with a person though you may remember the same series of events there will be moments that stand out more vividly to one person than another. On the one hand, one might have a better recall for the preperformance atmosphere whereas the other may have a keener remembrance of the actual performance. And further, there might be yet another person who has memories of the performance but focused on the reaction of the crowd rather than how well the other performers did compared to a different performance. 

Regardless. My recall for moments in my life--those that perhaps I hold dear and will always hold dear--are mine. And that is fine. You know? You never know how much something will mean to someone else, whether it be a moment or a thousand moments. But I am thankful if there is anyone out there who can look at our history together and cling to the happy and shining moments rather than dwelling and puzzling out the moments of misunderstanding. 

So. 

Here is to a new beginning. May this month be better than the last. 

Of Birthdays and Jobs

I turned 23 on Thursday. 

Most people usually reflect on their life to-date at New Years but I tend to look at it around my birthday week. Why? I do not know. I just do. 

That being said, let us reflect. 

The other day I was going through some old files of mine and stumbled upon one of those 10-15 year life plans that were so popular to assign to students in high school. You know? Back when we knew exactly what life was going to be like because it was clearly etched out in stone? 

Well. According to this paper, I was a step past my peers in the fact that I did not make just one blazing trail of glory. Silly people. We have all read the poem by Robert Frost titled "The Road Not Taken", had it drilled into us in some instances even. Thus, clever as I was, I decided I would write out two "roads" that I could potentially take. 

The first road was to American Idol. I thought that surely I would have gotten on the show at about the age of 21. Made it big, even, and would be on my way to blessing the world with my voice. On that same road, interestingly enough, was a husband, a child, and an anticipated pregnancy not too far behind. 

The second road was that of serving a mission for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would get home when I was 22 1/2 and would find "the one" and be on my way to having (surprise) a family of my own. 

Now, I did indeed audition for American Idol. Clearly, that was not the path meant for me. Then with prayer and solitary consideration on my part as my 21st year came closer, I felt that that was not the path for me either. I came to that conclusion about halfway through my 20th year and so "wrote" a new "road" for myself that included a college education and living in Provo, UT. The land of the singles. 

Well.

I live in the Brigham Young University bubble and am living a life so different from any of my original plans that you may wonder what I have been doing with my life, much as I have asked myself over the past few months. 

I was working two jobs until very recently. I have kept the one that pays more, of course, but even my leaving the other job did not go as I had planned. First, a little layout for my story...

I live in a crazy little apartment complex that has ridiculously terrible insulation (how else could they charge us the insane prices they do for our utilities?) and equally terrible management. It is well within walking distances of campus (seriously, it takes me about 10 minutes to get to the building where my church ward meets--which is on campus). However, though campus is right there, I cannot work for the school because I am not currently taking classes. 
I asked around to see what jobs were available within walking distance (I am not a car owner, after all) and was blessed toward the tail end of last year to snag two jobs to help me through the first of the year. Though I am grateful for it having panned out so well, I came to the conclusion a couple weeks back that for the pay and how one job treated me, it was not worth keeping---especially because A) I have no car and B) it was a 20 minute walk from my apartment.

The other job is an estimated 30 minute walk from my apartment. However. It pays $1.50 more and I actually feel like, crazy I know, a valued employee whose time and health are taken into consideration. 

The last bit of layout for this "short" story is the fact that I had to walk from job 1 to job 2. Directly. About a 40 minute walk. In the weather of the state of Utah, currently even when the sun is out, I see my breath fog before me. There is snow or ice on the ground. And as luck would have it, I caught a cold. 

Now seeing as job 1 was one wherein I was in constant contact with food and patrons, I figured asking for a couple days off from this, the lesser paying job, would be the lesser of two evils. I nearly had to sell my soul to get my one day off before I was pushed into saying that I would at least come in for the lunch rush and then be allowed to go home. But, as I mentioned before, job 2 expected me soon thereafter and there would be no going home. Had I been on the fence about quitting job 1 at this point, the fact that getting a break was like pulling teeth definitely helped me leap to one side. 

Wednesday, I told the job 1 supervisor that I would be leaving the restaurant after the following week ended. According to pay periods, that would have finished the current pay period neatly and also given me a little money boost so if I were not to find a new second job as quickly as these last two fell into my lap, it would not be a huge deal. 

The supervisor sounded relieved that I would be there for the next week and so I felt that we could part most amicably. I took the next day off, having asked for my birthday the week previous. When Friday came, I went in, ready for the last day of work before the weekend. Upon my arrival, I looked around confused that there would be so many cashiers so early on in the day. I did not think much beyond it seeing as it was a Friday and tended to be one of our busier days anyway. 

40 minutes ticked by. The aforementioned supervisor walks up to me and says that they do not need me and I could go home. Clearly, they could not have let me know before I rushed to work, worried that I would be late for having overslept my alarm. I agreed to go home seeing as I was still fighting off my cold that I had had all week. Then she said it. "We already have someone to replace you so you don't need to come in next week." 

Translation? Too many of our employees have been quitting so since we can weasel someone else into taking your hours, we can fire you. 

Thank you. You are too kind.

Like I said. Nothing ever works out the way I plan it.

Lesson to be learned? Stop planning. Obviously. 

Ha. Yeah right. 

I did have to laugh a little on Thursday. I had a birthday party of sorts. I intended at first to make it strictly a girl's night in. Really. However, because of a few circumstances, I allowed that perhaps I would invite a few guys. Fate laughed at me that night. The majority of my guests were male. Of course, they came for the cake and ice cream and only a couple stayed mysteriously to watch Return to Me with myself and the girls that had the spare time to stay later and watch with me. 

It was a happy feeling however to see that people actually wanted to come and celebrate with me. It was a little humbling even and I felt all sorts of gratitude to those who came. They sang to me twice (the second time we lit the 24th candle... apparently after next year, I will have to either buy multiple boxes of candles or be satisfied with the fat numeral candles).

So. Although a lot of my plans have not gone according to my so carefully laid designs---I know there is a reason. What that reason is? Naw. I have no idea. But I have a feeling it may have something to do with the principle of consulting the Lord's will in all our doings. 

We shall see where I end up at 24, will we not?