Ruminations

I dare say summer is upon us. The heat is already getting higher than I am comfortable with though it has been a wonderful happenstance that the wind comes in in the evening time to cool the atmosphere enough to encourage a comfortable sleep. 
I really do appreciate my new environment and though I only get to live in it for a couple months more, I am glad of the time I have been able to have. I have already made a couple friends and although my most favorite people are moving out (curse roommates who are moving on to bigger and better things in life) I look forward to the times ahead of me. 
What is it about summer that makes one so nostalgic? As I was walking home from work tonight, I had the sudden desire to visit a few people that I have told myself it is better to say goodbye to. Was it a moment of weakness? Or was it something stronger urging me to keep those ties? I have no clue. I suppose in the coming weeks if it only becomes stronger, this impression, I will eventually go for a quick visit but it is almost like when you go home to visit after being away for a good while.
You expect some things will be the same (and few of them are) but then you realize that life goes on, whether you are there to witness it or not.
I think the biggest manifestation of this in my life right now is the growing up of my three younger siblings. The sister directly below me on the food chain is graduating from high school at the beginning of June and is working on her mission papers as far as I know. Regardless of the fact that the Church lowered the age of female missionaries from 21 to 19, isn't it still too soon?
My younger brother will have been dating for almost a full year by the end of this month and let's not even get started on the youngest sister and sibling (at the age of 15). In the back of my mind, I realize that these siblings will not always be at home in the future when I finally get opportunities to go home. One day it will probably even just me visiting my parents (and of course the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that happen to live thereabouts). Life is moving at a rapid rate. Another two weeks and we will have hit June. Almost halfway through 2013! In the words of Ingrid Michaelson, all we can do is keep breathing. 

Another realization I have come to is that I may have completely messed up a potential happy ending. Now now. I know that there isn't just one chance at a happy ending. I am a rather vain creature, you see. And I definitely understand what they mean when they say, you don't know what you've got til it's gone. 
Funny isn't it? How something is laid out before you that you have hoped and wished and prayed for since you realized you would be allowed to start dating at 16 and BAM! You balk and push it away because you don't think it's the right thing or you realize you are simply not ready for it. 
The Lord's timing. I wonder how many times He has witnessed my choices and thought to Himself, "What on earth are you doing?" It's a good thing His patience is infinite or I would have been burnt to a crisp by now, I'm sure of it. 
Ah well. I am glad He hasn't given up on me completely. He's just helping me through the next few months to survive so I can get back to school and finally start becoming someone who can contribute to society. 
Now that I have said this I am begging you not to "extend words of comfort". I have had it all said to me:
"You're still young!"
"It will come when you're not looking!"
"Enjoy your singlehood!"
I love you all. But for heaven's sake, I write down these feelings because it is the only way I can get them out of my system and take a deep breath to plunge into the next day. If I want your opinions or advice, I promise you that I will come to you directly and ask. This is not my way of crying out for help. I am expressing myself the best way I know how to--through writing. It is how I reason out the hectic thoughts that take up much too much space in my mind. 
And I figure there may be another girl out there of about the same age going through the same thoughts that might benefit from knowing that she is not alone in thinking, "What the heck!" about the things that she feels should work out just so in her life. 
I know it comforts me when others feel the same way about these topics and I hope that when things do happen and the man comes "when [I'm] not looking" that I will spare other single folk the words of comfort that have been given to me.
I know your saying these things are meant to expressed with the utmost love and compassion but do not worry, I know you are rooting for me even without saying such things.

Until next time!