I made a discovery of myself this past week that I honestly probably already had an inkling about, but it is this--if I am not properly engaged and busy, I give myself too much time and energy to overthink things. I overthink myself into a black hole of self-pity and start to imagine that I am an annoyance to all.
I have been told multiple times that that is not the case, but nevertheless, if I do all of the "talking" or instigating of conversation, then I start to get truly depressed and annoyed at myself for needing so much validation from others. Generally a happy person, many find it odd that I feel the need for validation but it's there, just as it is in everyone else.
I watched Inside Out for the first time at the beginning of this past week and the character of Sadness felt akin to the metaphorical "spirit animal". Sadness is interesting because she is the one "emotion" that is seen as purely negative. However, by the end of the movie, you find that it's often Sadness that triggers the events that bring the most Joy.
It shows that it is important to feel ones Sadness and is just as important to validate the Sadness and hurt that others feel before they can truly be healed and move on to feeling the other emotions as they come.
There is a particular scene where the main character's imaginary friend is hurt by the loss of his rocket and how he now cannot see how he and his friend will ever have their great adventures. He starts crying (candy tears, of course) and Joy is trying to think of all the ways to cheer him up by referencing things that generally bring him happiness and, well, joy. But the longer he sits crying the more aggravated she gets with him. And that is where Sadness steps in. She sits down next to him and validates his tears. That must be very sad, she remarks, and you must be feeling hurt right now. She gives him the opportunity to acknowledge aloud that he is hurt and sad and then allows him to cry a while longer as they hug. Once this moment happens, he is able to pick himself back up and they continue on their way.
During one of my downward spirals this past week, I worked myself into such a frantic state that I jumped aboard a bus and zipped over to my friend's house without giving very much warning at all (perhaps a 5 minute prelude text to the actions that followed). I was feeling hurt because I didn't think that he was responding as quickly as he should if he truly cared when honestly he had simply fallen asleep (previous happenings being that he was supremely busy and not a great text-communicator to begin with).
Just to top of my craziness, I also had a cold and found myself walking up the hill and up three floors to get to his door. So, sniffling due to two kinds of cold and self-pity, I crawled into his arms, completely exhausted from this roller coaster I had subjected myself to and instead of him immediately trying to cheer me up, he pulled me close and gave me time to talk about it. He gave validation to how I had been feeling and made sure I felt right again before prompting the smile that comes naturally when I am around him.
I don't have many people to open up to like this, especially not close to what I call "home" currently. So...if you are one of them, I apologize in advance for the childishness and perhaps "clingy" nature that I give in to. It is because you have shown me that I can trust you with even a little piece of my heart and I guess, in short, I am afraid to lose that.
I don't want to lose you. No matter what happens from here on in.
I am clumsy and insecure. I have been hurt more times than I can count. If I cry, it's usually self-induced because, as previously stated, my mind is overactive and I just need to be reminded now and again that you don't mind. And maybe, one day, I will finally be strong enough and sure enough of myself to be a strength to others who come along my path with the same weakness in their heart and soul.
Therefore, please, be patient with me until I understand. And I will always remain, faithfully, your loyal and loving friend.
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