February

You know that feeling of possibility that comes at the beginning of a new month? The feeling that comes after you have made it through another nail-biter and come out a little ruffled but ready for the next challenge?

February has come and with it a new beginning. A few new beginnings, in fact. And I am grateful for every single one of them. I am thankful for the ability to say that I will do better this month in my relationships with family and friends. I will do better with my spiritual progress and the healing of my emotional soul. 

Another thing I have found a great need to be thankful for is my uniqueness. I am anything but your average every day "woman" or at least what the world has taught us to believe is the average woman. 

I say this because not all of us (male or female) make connections with those around us with ulterior motives. Honestly, I could not begin to explain why I fight for one connection or friendship as compared to another one. I cannot always explain my own feelings or justification for doing the things I do. 

However, I can promise that if you have my friendship, that is what it is. You will know if I expect anything else from you or rather from us. 

Something else that intrigues me is when a person asks if they can ask me a question and have me answer honestly. Why would I answer dishonestly? If you take the time to get to know me and have the desire to understand me you will realize that I will answer honestly--and if I cannot answer for one reason or another, I will own up to it. 

Something else that has come to my attention is my apparent knack for holding a memory down to the finest details even years after it has occurred. Most have forgotten the memory but when forced to think about it, I have come to the conclusion that it is because I have the mind of a writer and performer. From a young age, I realized that any experience that comes my way is something that I can use to enrich and enliven my writing and performances with a ring of truth. I admit that some of these memories are tied to vivid emotions and feelings of the time but don't we all have experiences like that? 

Even the days you spend together with a person though you may remember the same series of events there will be moments that stand out more vividly to one person than another. On the one hand, one might have a better recall for the preperformance atmosphere whereas the other may have a keener remembrance of the actual performance. And further, there might be yet another person who has memories of the performance but focused on the reaction of the crowd rather than how well the other performers did compared to a different performance. 

Regardless. My recall for moments in my life--those that perhaps I hold dear and will always hold dear--are mine. And that is fine. You know? You never know how much something will mean to someone else, whether it be a moment or a thousand moments. But I am thankful if there is anyone out there who can look at our history together and cling to the happy and shining moments rather than dwelling and puzzling out the moments of misunderstanding. 

So. 

Here is to a new beginning. May this month be better than the last. 

Of Birthdays and Jobs

I turned 23 on Thursday. 

Most people usually reflect on their life to-date at New Years but I tend to look at it around my birthday week. Why? I do not know. I just do. 

That being said, let us reflect. 

The other day I was going through some old files of mine and stumbled upon one of those 10-15 year life plans that were so popular to assign to students in high school. You know? Back when we knew exactly what life was going to be like because it was clearly etched out in stone? 

Well. According to this paper, I was a step past my peers in the fact that I did not make just one blazing trail of glory. Silly people. We have all read the poem by Robert Frost titled "The Road Not Taken", had it drilled into us in some instances even. Thus, clever as I was, I decided I would write out two "roads" that I could potentially take. 

The first road was to American Idol. I thought that surely I would have gotten on the show at about the age of 21. Made it big, even, and would be on my way to blessing the world with my voice. On that same road, interestingly enough, was a husband, a child, and an anticipated pregnancy not too far behind. 

The second road was that of serving a mission for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would get home when I was 22 1/2 and would find "the one" and be on my way to having (surprise) a family of my own. 

Now, I did indeed audition for American Idol. Clearly, that was not the path meant for me. Then with prayer and solitary consideration on my part as my 21st year came closer, I felt that that was not the path for me either. I came to that conclusion about halfway through my 20th year and so "wrote" a new "road" for myself that included a college education and living in Provo, UT. The land of the singles. 

Well.

I live in the Brigham Young University bubble and am living a life so different from any of my original plans that you may wonder what I have been doing with my life, much as I have asked myself over the past few months. 

I was working two jobs until very recently. I have kept the one that pays more, of course, but even my leaving the other job did not go as I had planned. First, a little layout for my story...

I live in a crazy little apartment complex that has ridiculously terrible insulation (how else could they charge us the insane prices they do for our utilities?) and equally terrible management. It is well within walking distances of campus (seriously, it takes me about 10 minutes to get to the building where my church ward meets--which is on campus). However, though campus is right there, I cannot work for the school because I am not currently taking classes. 
I asked around to see what jobs were available within walking distance (I am not a car owner, after all) and was blessed toward the tail end of last year to snag two jobs to help me through the first of the year. Though I am grateful for it having panned out so well, I came to the conclusion a couple weeks back that for the pay and how one job treated me, it was not worth keeping---especially because A) I have no car and B) it was a 20 minute walk from my apartment.

The other job is an estimated 30 minute walk from my apartment. However. It pays $1.50 more and I actually feel like, crazy I know, a valued employee whose time and health are taken into consideration. 

The last bit of layout for this "short" story is the fact that I had to walk from job 1 to job 2. Directly. About a 40 minute walk. In the weather of the state of Utah, currently even when the sun is out, I see my breath fog before me. There is snow or ice on the ground. And as luck would have it, I caught a cold. 

Now seeing as job 1 was one wherein I was in constant contact with food and patrons, I figured asking for a couple days off from this, the lesser paying job, would be the lesser of two evils. I nearly had to sell my soul to get my one day off before I was pushed into saying that I would at least come in for the lunch rush and then be allowed to go home. But, as I mentioned before, job 2 expected me soon thereafter and there would be no going home. Had I been on the fence about quitting job 1 at this point, the fact that getting a break was like pulling teeth definitely helped me leap to one side. 

Wednesday, I told the job 1 supervisor that I would be leaving the restaurant after the following week ended. According to pay periods, that would have finished the current pay period neatly and also given me a little money boost so if I were not to find a new second job as quickly as these last two fell into my lap, it would not be a huge deal. 

The supervisor sounded relieved that I would be there for the next week and so I felt that we could part most amicably. I took the next day off, having asked for my birthday the week previous. When Friday came, I went in, ready for the last day of work before the weekend. Upon my arrival, I looked around confused that there would be so many cashiers so early on in the day. I did not think much beyond it seeing as it was a Friday and tended to be one of our busier days anyway. 

40 minutes ticked by. The aforementioned supervisor walks up to me and says that they do not need me and I could go home. Clearly, they could not have let me know before I rushed to work, worried that I would be late for having overslept my alarm. I agreed to go home seeing as I was still fighting off my cold that I had had all week. Then she said it. "We already have someone to replace you so you don't need to come in next week." 

Translation? Too many of our employees have been quitting so since we can weasel someone else into taking your hours, we can fire you. 

Thank you. You are too kind.

Like I said. Nothing ever works out the way I plan it.

Lesson to be learned? Stop planning. Obviously. 

Ha. Yeah right. 

I did have to laugh a little on Thursday. I had a birthday party of sorts. I intended at first to make it strictly a girl's night in. Really. However, because of a few circumstances, I allowed that perhaps I would invite a few guys. Fate laughed at me that night. The majority of my guests were male. Of course, they came for the cake and ice cream and only a couple stayed mysteriously to watch Return to Me with myself and the girls that had the spare time to stay later and watch with me. 

It was a happy feeling however to see that people actually wanted to come and celebrate with me. It was a little humbling even and I felt all sorts of gratitude to those who came. They sang to me twice (the second time we lit the 24th candle... apparently after next year, I will have to either buy multiple boxes of candles or be satisfied with the fat numeral candles).

So. Although a lot of my plans have not gone according to my so carefully laid designs---I know there is a reason. What that reason is? Naw. I have no idea. But I have a feeling it may have something to do with the principle of consulting the Lord's will in all our doings. 

We shall see where I end up at 24, will we not?

New Year

So, if you had not noticed... a new year has graced our little world and everyone is talking about resolutions and what they will do better this next year. 

As a quick review of this past year, I have learned quite a bit about myself and others and would like to believe that I have grown in patience and a zeal for life. I have gotten in my own way with a lot of things and let God guide the rest. 

My family has experienced quite a few internal changes that I have learned to cope with and work around. I shed many a tear but afterward found the humor and reason to laugh.

This being said I have a couple resolutions for this next year. 

Firstly, I am working on myself. The kind of woman I am. No longer am I going to just sit and let boys decide where our relationships are going to go. I hate to be classified as one of those "all or nothing" types because in truth, I am more than willing to be patient and let things unfold at a steady pace. However, I am tired of rushing into hand holding and kisses when they mean a thousand times more to me than they do to the guy. But I also do not want to be strung around and left out to dry because something better has come along. So I will forgive what has happened to me this past year but I will not forget so that my experiences this year will be better, more fulfilling, and of a more progressive nature. 

Secondly, I am looking forward to trying to sort out a budget for myself. Money, unfortunately, is extremely important to living comfortably and I figure I should probably start learning to live perfectly within my means so that I avoid feeling like I am playing catch up at the end of 2014. 

Thirdly, I need to get back on board with the little things, little details of living and growing that will help in my development as an adult. Scripture study, journal writing, personal prayer, Institute. I know that these are important and sometimes they are all that I can do.

And fourthly, I want to be a better friend to my loved ones. To continue to be someone that anyone can feel comfortable talking to. 

As far as accomplishing my resolutions for the past year, I really feel that I have become a better listener--and have started to feel less compelled to give advice if it is not asked for. Sometimes people just need someone to look them in the eye and smile, encourage and bolster. 

As for news about myself--my 23rd birthday is coming up fast and since I was at home and at the start of the New Year, my parents saw fit to give me my largest birthday gift early... a "new" laptop. It used to be Mom's and is a whole lot nicer than the poor little dinosaur that has been working so hard for me these past 5 years after high school. 

Happy New Year and keep your chins up, always striving to improve oneself whilst giving those around you a hand up!

What If...?

Nothing hurts worse than feeling unwanted. Than feeling that a person would rather see anyone but you. That you do not even count as an option in their mind, now or ever. 

You know that feeling? The feeling that surrounds your heart and feels like helium but instead of buoying your heart and spirits it feels as though it would suffocate you if you would give in? I find that although I might not be new to this particular feeling, it has been a long time since I have felt it so acutely. 
No one wants to feel unwanted--but more particularly no one wants to have to draw the conclusion themselves that they are not wanted. If you would rather not have a person spend time thinking about you and hoping to do something with you... tell them. Do not give them the false hope that inevitably lifts them up higher than their safety net will allow them to fall into unhurt. 
It is a strange thing to feel "unwanted". Being raised in the family I was blessed with, there was never a moment at the end of the day when I felt that my parents wished they had never had me, that my siblings were not happy that I was their sister--even if we had quarreled all day long. 
The worst thing about feeling "unwanted" is the fact that no one ever says that they do not want you. In this sense, actions DO speak louder than words, particularly when hardly a word has been spoken. 
Worse still is the feeling of the ongoing roller coaster ride where one day you feel as close as you may ever get with a person and then the next day you feel as though they would do anything to avoid you.
If I have ever made you feel that way, I want to apologize. It is not right. It is not fair. And no one should have to feel this way especially because of me.

My second plea this evening is this:  
Please. Do not tell a person that you avoid them so you will not hurt them. That in and of itself will hurt them. 
Now, reading this I can see how one could perceive it as conflicting what I have said formerly but this is what I mean by the latter part:

I apply this to dating. And thus I will continue to apply it for the ease of understanding. Do not convince yourself that you are sparing a person's feelings when you say that you would rather not even try to be in a relationship with them because you are afraid that you cannot commit. 
I personally would rather hurt and be able to say, "At least we tried," rather than hurt and think about the never-ending rounds of "but what if?". 
I am not a patient person by nature and yet it takes a great deal to make me give up. But I never want to give up without saying at least that I tried. Please. Do not make me give up. Do not force me to despair and say with an expression full of melancholy, "I couldn't... even if I tried."

If I adore you, I would pray that you would not take it for granted. If I lose sleep over you, if I have to force myself not to contact you within a day, if I pretend that it does not affect me in the least...

If, if, IF...
What if I had never said anything in the first place?

Of Daisies and Colds

I grew up in a house where watching movies was a natural occurrence. Everything from Godzilla to Star Wars, Pride and Prejudice to Ever After. Disney, Pixar, Dreamworks, Tri-Star... we watched and enjoyed them all.
Aside from this love of movies, I was also brought up with a love for the written word. I sadly don't read as much as I used to for the sake of pleasure but there comes a time every now and then where I pick up a novel and simply cannot put it down until it is finished. Sometimes this happens with a brand new book but just recently (meaning this very evening) I finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and I am pretty sure it was only my second time reading it the whole way through. Sad, I know. But it has been done and it was just as lovely as the first time.
Also recently as of this past week I seem to have come down with a cold. Not the one that knocks you out cold for a whole week but one of those annoying pesky things where you are stuffy and sneezy about 75% of the time. I have been taking cold medicine and I am sure I will be better soon (seeing as I also "splurged" and bought myself some orange juice fortified with Calcium seeing as it has been a little while since I drank milk into my system). 
What do these three bits of news have to do with one another? Well, I will tell you.

One of my absolute favorite movies growing up was, surprise surprise, the romantic comedy entitled You've Got Mail. You know the one with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? That strangely perfect chemistry based duo of the acting world? Well, for those of you who have never watched it, go watch it! It is a lovely movie. Not only is it the right amount of quirk and sass to keep my entertained but it also has the sweetness of the blooming friendship and romance that will make just about any woman (young or old) swoon. 
Ryan plays a bookshop owner, having inherited it from her late mother. She has been taking care of the shop for a handful of years when out of nowhere, in swoops Hanks who is in charge of a big bookstore corporation (something akin to Barnes and Noble really) and starts to put Ryan's little bookshop out of business. And as luck would have it, (and I feel no qualms in telling you this because you figure it out in pretty much the first ten minutes of the movie) the two of them have been pen pals for a certain amount of time after having met in a chat room. Of course, neither of them knows the actual connection and you watch the story unfold. The friendship takes hold. And of course love blooms. 
(You see it? The connection between movies and my love of books has been made. Now, you might ask, where does the cold come into play? Well...)
So, one of my favorite scenes in the whole movie happens when Ryan is stuck at home with a cold. You know the kind. Where you are practically drunk on cough syrup, you haven't taken a shower and thus your bed head has gotten away from you, tissues are strewn upon every flat surface, and even the dishes have gotten away from you. 
Well, if I remember rightly, somehow, Hanks finds out that she has a cold and what does he do? He buys her flowers. And not just any kind of flowers. He buys her daisies! Pretty much the cheeriest flower the Lord ever created. "They're such friendly flowers," is how Ryan describes them in the movie. Anyway, Hanks gets up to her apartment and wheedles his way into the room (after Ryan has thrown a trench coat over her flannel pajamas and stuffed as many dirtied tissues as she can manage to grab in her hurry into the deep pockets). He makes small talk and eventually ushers her back into bed after putting the flowers in a vase for her (and she tows said vase of daisies with her to her bedroom) and he says a few more things that leave the audience wishing he would just tell her that they are meant to be and get it over with.... and he leaves. 

Well, in conclusion, being the entirely hopeless romantic that I am, I await the day when something similar to this scene happens in my life. Now, I know the chances aren't all that great because it's a movie, written up by writers who are simply trying to please their audience... but there's no harm in wishing right? That the right guy will just waltz up to your door and disregard the fact that you feel like something the cat drug out of the bag so that he can give you a modestly sized bouquet of daisies? 
It would totally brighten my day. 

In other news, I landed a part-time job today off campus and am gearing up for another interview for yet another job tomorrow so I will lay down my cough medicine infused system for a couple of hours and hope that I will at least not appear sickly in the morning. 
Wish my luck! Prayers are appreciated as well. And thank you so very much in advance!

Viral

With social media being what it is, we have all heard of videos, blog posts, etc, going viral. Recently, it seems there have been a lot of blogs being shared about that express the writers' opinions on how relationships are supposed to work and other such related topics. My friends have shared a variety of these--most of which I have read personally, some that I have shared in my turn. 
Now, whenever I see these blogs shared, there is always that person who takes a single phrase written by the blogger and blows it out of proportion or uses it to sum up what the blogger was trying to say (sometimes, even, taking it completely out of context and not getting the "gist" of the post at all). This bothers me (obviously) to an extent but something I saw yesterday bothered me even more. 
It was the comment someone put at the top of a blog post they shared and it read: "Finally a retort blog post!" Really? Good grief, folks. It was one person's opinion. If you don't agree with it then, be my guest, and let them know in a respectful manner what your own opinion is but don't openly combat someone like that. I think the phrase or word for it is "trolling" when a person does that? 
Regardless of what you would call it, I would respectfully say that it is an immature way of commenting and sharing your opinion on a subject that 100s before you (and I am sure even more afterward) have written a blog on. Think of your own blog post title and be tasteful and tactful. You aren't gaining anything by attacking the opinion of someone else (except for maybe your own twisted sense of pleasure from feeling like you have really given them the one-two).
 
So in conclusion of this short blog post with my very own, non-combative title--- I am actually thankful that my blog hasn't gone viral because I think it is petty to attack another person's opinion. It ends up looking like you are riding on the coattails of someone else. Just a last minute thought there.

Life's Tough...

Growing up, I watched a lot of Boy Meets World. Most of the time I laughed at the antics of the characters as they went through their lives but every once in a while, there was a truth spoken that I would carry with me for the rest of my life. 
One such truth was spoken by Eric Matthews to his little brother, Cory, and though we all laughed when Eric smacked him in the forehead directly thereafter, the truth remained in my mind:
"Life's tough. Get a helmet."
Life is tough. Even for the people who are always smiling and happy, there is usually some battle that they are facing and we may never know just how hard it is for them to continue smiling for us and cheering everyone else on in their trials and struggles. 
I have had my share of trials and must admit that from time to time I feel as though they never stop. That there is no reprieve. That I am constantly treading water and trying to struggle free from the pressure and choking hold that the dark has upon my soul.

As I was laying down in an attempt to sleep tonight, an ice pack tucked snugly underneath my back with a couple layers of material between (winter is around the corner after all), I started thinking--from time to time aloud--about where I am in life. This included not only my relationship status but also the status of my testimony and beliefs. What started out as ramblings became something moving to me and I had to sit up at once and start composing this blog entry. 
I imagined myself in front of a crowd of people (I have a tendency to lay out scenes in my mind) perhaps they could be my single adult ward, or perhaps just a gathering of young people with my same base belief and tie to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 
What I said was something similar to this:

I believe in Christ. I believe in His Gospel and know that Joseph Smith was the first prophet of the Restoration. Chosen by God to bring forth this marvelous work. I know that I would not be the person I am if not for my foundation in this church. I am grateful for parents who encouraged me to go with them to church every week--who taught me how to pray. And I am thankful for siblings who have and still set an example for the kind of disciple I want to be. 
My soul aches when they fall just as I know theirs do when I experience my moments of weakness. I am grateful to know that we continue to love each other through these struggles and times of darkness and in the words of a friend of mine--continue to be FAMILY. 

Sisters... you are so strong. We may have moments of weakness but at the end of the day we are strong. Our capacity to do good is larger than we can ever imagine. Our paths are our own. We will be asked to fight dragons that others of us may not encounter til later in life or not at all. Some of us will marry and raise families. Others of us will help our loved ones to nourish the minds and spirits of their children, perhaps our nieces and nephews. 
It's a potentially frightening road that we will travel but if we arm ourselves with virtue, faith, charity, and light we will be able to follow it to its end. 
I know it is hard at times not to get caught up in the dramas of relationships---from those with our friends to those with our boyfriends and sometimes even our boy(space)friends. But if you must be caught up, be sure to assess the situation you find yourself and know it is because you seek to make them happy. Do not fall in love to make yourself happy. Relationships are made of a desire to serve one another and those relationships that turn into courtships are made of the service that only you can give one another... or at least that is what I think. 
It hurts when we cannot make another happy. I have experienced this with both my male AND female friends. I love them... and from this love stems a desire for them to be happy. It is unfortunate that I have hurt some, discouraged others, and perhaps even don't recognize that some soul wants my attention. I apologize for those moments... but I hope you at least understand that I do want you to be happy---regardless of my proximity to the reason for your happiness. 

Some of the strongest, smartest, and most beautiful women I know are those who have been asked to trod the paths of this world alone. I am grateful to have such examples of faith and trust in God and the hope that it will work out in the end as long as they keep pressing on and allowing Him to guide them with His will and hands.

Men. I am not saying that this means you have to date these particular women. But if you refuse to do that... then please, I implore you, be our brothers. Help cultivate places of refuge and strength. Places where we can turn when the world has almost beaten us and take time to cry. Let us know that you love and support us. Men. Tell the sisters if you are their home teachers. Sometimes home teachers are the only ones we feel we can turn to. 
Help us to know how we can help you and support you. Let us know when we hurt you. Why. Don't give up on us for, though we may say it from time to time, we surely have not given up on you. 

These are just a handful of the words that I spoke to myself but it reminded me that I still feel. Compassion. Hurt. Tenderness. Disappointment. Peace. The day we stop feeling is the day that we lose hope. The day when we forget to bring our "helmet" along and face up to the toughness of life with our brightest light of optimism and hope for what the future has in store for us if we will only have the courage.
And this is what I will leave you with-- a quote from President Thomas S. Monson, the current prophet: "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"