Gah! I saw this topic was right under the one I wrote about yesterday and honestly wanted to skip yesterday's topic so I could cover this one instead but then I figured, I will write about all of them anyway so why not work on a little patience on the way?
A book I love... it took all of a split second for it to come to my mind and the book or rather trilogy that I love would have to be the Lord of the Rings (there are others, mind you, but at this moment let's just stick to this one).
My love for this book goes all the way back to, that's right, the 5th grade. And, let's be honest, it started with the movie. I recall going to see the Fellowship of the Ring at the tender age of 11. I had turned 11 a few weeks prior and my best friend at the time was having her 11th birthday party and wanted to see the first installment of the trilogy.
My parents hesitated seeing as it was PG-13 and I was still a good couple years away from that life mark but with the help of my friend's mother, they were convinced to let me go and so I did. The first 10 minutes of the movie, I clung to my friend's had so tightly (and she to mine) that our palms were sweaty and I was beginning to rethink my demands to be treated as a mature individual by my parents.
Aside from the fact that I was completely terrified of the orcs, I fell in love with the story and couldn't wait for the next one to come out. However, much to my chagrin, I had dreams, nay, nightmares... for the next 2 months filled with filthy orcses (in the words of Gollum). And by parental decree, I was not allowed to rewatch the Fellowship of the Ring or go to see the following installments until I was older and had demonstrated that I was no longer a scaredy cat.
What was I to do? Everyone else was going to know what happened next before I did! I was to be left behind, hearing what happened through spoilers without getting to experience the pleasure of the brilliant cinematography and life breathed in imagination by Peter Jackson (who, I believe, is a kindred spirit of mine).
Well, dear friends, there I was, sitting in Mr. Aiken's math class when I glanced at the bookshelf to my left from which I had borrowed many a book before, and fate illuminated my despair. Sitting in front of my eyes was the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. My fingers trembled as I reached out for the Fellowship (as my hand always does when I find a book I have been wishing to read) and with it, I walked over to the clipboard he had for us to "check out" books on, wrote down the title with my name and immediately walked back to my seat, cracked the book open and had my heart stolen forever by the words and imagination and world that was Tolkien's Middle Earth.
Tolkien's writing lit a fire in my heart (and as I would soon discover, my fingers for I started writing pretty soon thereafter) and I devoured the Fellowship of the Ring, barely breathing between it and the Two Towers and not even sparing a glance at any other book before reading the Return of the King.
My imagination was captured not solely by the lives of the characters therein, but the landscapes that were painted on the canvas of my mind, the poetry and songs sung and recited by the elves and the hobbits and even the ents. I laughed, I cried, lived and died with these characters--my friends.
I have read this trilogy alone 3 or 4 times over. I even wrote a biography on Tolkien my 8th grade year of middle school while everyone else was writing on Ghandi or Rosa Parks. Frankly, I took a great deal of pleasure in the knowledge that I knew exactly how everything went and ended before the Two Towers movie made it out into the theaters.
Now, everyone has their favorite characters. So how about I address this?
My first favorite character is Peregrin (Pippin) Took. The youngest of the four hobbits, he is also the most naive and childlike of them. I honestly believe that he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he volunteered to be part of the fellowship. I believe I identified a lot with him as a kid and watching the movies now, I am thankful for the portrayal that Billy Boyd gave because I don't think anyone would have done better. I love Pippin because of his vulnerability and also because, even at the end, after all he has been through he is the same. A little older, a little wiser (and thanks to the Entish spring a little taller) he still has the faith of a child, believing in the words of Gandalf and striving to save and be there for the ones he loves, always giving, not sparing.
As I've grown older, I have fallen more in love with the characters of Eowyn and Faramir and I don't think I could like one without mentioning and adoring the other. I'll start with Eowyn... firstly, she is my favorite favorite favorite female in the whole of the Lord of the Rings. (I'm glad that Peter Jackson gave Arwen more of a role but I will address that in a bit.) She wants to show people that she isn't some fragile doll to be kept on a pillow away from the pain, anguish, hardships of her people. She fears a gilded cage! She wants to be of use, go to battle, support her lord, and in the end prove herself. She was completely friend-zoned by Aragorn (and rightly so because he already had the love of his life) but she didn't stop caring for him and his well-being which is something I completely relate to! However, even though her "first love" or whatever didn't pan out, she kept moving forward. She kept to her goals and aspirations and was splendidly put into the path of Faramir. Perfect.
Faramir--ah, how his character broke my heart. Denethor was so blind to how amazing his younger son was. I was a little put out when Peter Jackson made it seem like he wavered when Frodo revealed the purpose of his and Sam's travels and the fact that he had the One Ring because in the book he sent Frodo through. He was a good person, with pure intentions, who longed and yearned for the love of his father. And I would like to believe that he was the perfect match for Eowyn--from what Tolkien wrote of him, he would not have put her in a cage. He would honor her, most assuredly, but no fragile flower had he stumbled upon. After all, she took out that ringwraith without hesitation (broke her arm in the process but hey so did Pippin when he tried to distract the ringwraith from killing Eowyn as she grieved over Theoden).
And now to throw ya'll for a loop. One of my favorite characters was one who was not in the movies (or if he was he had a far different role than in the book). Glorfindel. He didn't have a huge role but he was the one who saved Frodo from the wraiths--you know that awesome horse-riding scene that introduced Arwen in the movie? Yeah, that was his scene and he was the first elf I fell in love with in the book. (I may have even written a small fanfiction my 6th grade year wherein he was the long-lost father of my character... oh yes.)
What more can I say? I could probably go on for a while more but then again, what would I tell you if you ever questioned me about it in person?
But I will leave you with a quote because how else would one end a blog entry about their favorite book than with one of their favorite quotes?
"All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."
Love,
Me
16 July 2014
15 July 2014
Something I Feel Strongly About...
In my last post, I mentioned that I would be working off a list of 30 topics that I found on Pinterest to jump start my blogging again for a blog that updates on a more regular basis.
Subject number two is as follows:
Something You Feel Strongly About--
Well, I feel strongly about a great number of things but I will try and restrict myself to one (perhaps a couple... we'll see how fired up I get, I suppose).
I will start by saying this... why must we always end up hurting each other? The Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, "If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." How can you know what you will do will harm a person?
I often find that when we think we are doing the most good for another person, that is when we hurt them the most. Sometimes you say something thinking it good and sound advice, or that it is a compliment when the person receiving it might be in the throes of a battle greater than you could ever begin to understand and instead of helping them, it harms them. It releases a beautiful looking glass, so to speak, of what you see in them, the reflection that you perceive of them, but the looking glass gets caught up in the whirlwind and storms and shatters against their perception of reality at the given time. The shards are then catapulted at high velocities into their eyes, minds, and hearts.
I will use personal examples because they are the only things that are truly mine to share. Now, understand that I realize in my more sensible and sound mental state that what is being said or done is said or done by those around me with the thought to do good. But I am not currently in the soundest state of mind that I would like to be or have been in the past or will be in the future.
Example #1
A few days ago, a dear friend of mine made the decision that they should, essentially, ignore me for a while so that, in their understanding, I would realize that I was being too dependent on that person and to encourage, no, force me to depend on myself. Where this would usually be a healthy idea and kind of the person what did my warped senses perceive it as?
I saw it as them calling me clingy and weak. That I was forcing my company upon them when they "clearly" did not want me anywhere near them. This being the same friend who told me they loved me and would be there if ever I needed someone to talk to. This friend is somewhat of a kindred spirit in my eyes, someone who has been through hell and back again--who I saw as someone who might be able to lift me up when I'm down. Heaven knows I have had my share of downswings as of late but how was I to know how selfish I was being?
I have poured my heart out to them a number of times--but they have problems of their own. Struggles of their own. And I try to lay to much on their shoulders in hopes of lightening my own load.
Example #2
Another even dearer friend of mine felt it their duty to tell me all of the good points they saw in me--the parts of me that they wished to emulate in their own lives.
I ask you to understand for a moment that I am not seeing myself in the light. No. In fact, it is rather dark where I am. And the idea that there could be any beauty in me when all is said and done, once I finally emerge from the darkness that has encompassed me these last few months, is beyond my ken--something I yearn for, ache for... but as of the moment, my whole being refuses to see it. And in this pain is inflicted. Further pain is inflicted then in knowing that I have torn down in front of their very eyes the beautiful drawing they have rendered of me by not springing from the chasm I have fallen down with a smile on my face and light in my eyes.
Now, honestly, if these had occurred about a year ago to the first, I probably would have shrugged, been just mildly hurt, but been on my bonny way in a matter of ten minutes, fifteen tops! To the second, I might have laughed, perhaps a blush, and a thank you.
I was talking to my mother last night and something she said really hit home with me. She told me that this is not me. I, Cassidy, have been eclipsed by something dark and harsh. All of my reactions, all of the things that have happened to me lately have been amplified at such a severe level that my emotions and all they entail are essentially spinning out of my control. All I have been able to do lately it would seem is stand by in abject horror at my interactions with the people I hold dear. I am in a constant state of apology lately and I wish I had a better excuse than the one I give.
But such as my current circumstances are all I can do at this point is ask that you please have patience with me. I am sorry for my short temper. I am sorry if I seem unstable and less able to hold my own and stand on my two feet.
Tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow I will smile. Tomorrow I will be able to stand without crying into your shoulder. But if you cannot wait for tomorrow. If you cannot have patience with me. Then I beg of you, don't stand within range of my blast zone and I won't seek you out.
So in summation, the "something" I feel strongly about is being aware of what you do, what you say to those around you--be as aware as you can be of their current situation and don't be completely surprised or angry or upset if they don't respond in the way you imagine they would/should. Do your best to do no harm--especially to those that you love or hope to keep close when tomorrow comes.
Subject number two is as follows:
Something You Feel Strongly About--
Well, I feel strongly about a great number of things but I will try and restrict myself to one (perhaps a couple... we'll see how fired up I get, I suppose).
I will start by saying this... why must we always end up hurting each other? The Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, "If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." How can you know what you will do will harm a person?
I often find that when we think we are doing the most good for another person, that is when we hurt them the most. Sometimes you say something thinking it good and sound advice, or that it is a compliment when the person receiving it might be in the throes of a battle greater than you could ever begin to understand and instead of helping them, it harms them. It releases a beautiful looking glass, so to speak, of what you see in them, the reflection that you perceive of them, but the looking glass gets caught up in the whirlwind and storms and shatters against their perception of reality at the given time. The shards are then catapulted at high velocities into their eyes, minds, and hearts.
I will use personal examples because they are the only things that are truly mine to share. Now, understand that I realize in my more sensible and sound mental state that what is being said or done is said or done by those around me with the thought to do good. But I am not currently in the soundest state of mind that I would like to be or have been in the past or will be in the future.
Example #1
A few days ago, a dear friend of mine made the decision that they should, essentially, ignore me for a while so that, in their understanding, I would realize that I was being too dependent on that person and to encourage, no, force me to depend on myself. Where this would usually be a healthy idea and kind of the person what did my warped senses perceive it as?
I saw it as them calling me clingy and weak. That I was forcing my company upon them when they "clearly" did not want me anywhere near them. This being the same friend who told me they loved me and would be there if ever I needed someone to talk to. This friend is somewhat of a kindred spirit in my eyes, someone who has been through hell and back again--who I saw as someone who might be able to lift me up when I'm down. Heaven knows I have had my share of downswings as of late but how was I to know how selfish I was being?
I have poured my heart out to them a number of times--but they have problems of their own. Struggles of their own. And I try to lay to much on their shoulders in hopes of lightening my own load.
Example #2
Another even dearer friend of mine felt it their duty to tell me all of the good points they saw in me--the parts of me that they wished to emulate in their own lives.
I ask you to understand for a moment that I am not seeing myself in the light. No. In fact, it is rather dark where I am. And the idea that there could be any beauty in me when all is said and done, once I finally emerge from the darkness that has encompassed me these last few months, is beyond my ken--something I yearn for, ache for... but as of the moment, my whole being refuses to see it. And in this pain is inflicted. Further pain is inflicted then in knowing that I have torn down in front of their very eyes the beautiful drawing they have rendered of me by not springing from the chasm I have fallen down with a smile on my face and light in my eyes.
Now, honestly, if these had occurred about a year ago to the first, I probably would have shrugged, been just mildly hurt, but been on my bonny way in a matter of ten minutes, fifteen tops! To the second, I might have laughed, perhaps a blush, and a thank you.
I was talking to my mother last night and something she said really hit home with me. She told me that this is not me. I, Cassidy, have been eclipsed by something dark and harsh. All of my reactions, all of the things that have happened to me lately have been amplified at such a severe level that my emotions and all they entail are essentially spinning out of my control. All I have been able to do lately it would seem is stand by in abject horror at my interactions with the people I hold dear. I am in a constant state of apology lately and I wish I had a better excuse than the one I give.
But such as my current circumstances are all I can do at this point is ask that you please have patience with me. I am sorry for my short temper. I am sorry if I seem unstable and less able to hold my own and stand on my two feet.
Tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow I will smile. Tomorrow I will be able to stand without crying into your shoulder. But if you cannot wait for tomorrow. If you cannot have patience with me. Then I beg of you, don't stand within range of my blast zone and I won't seek you out.
So in summation, the "something" I feel strongly about is being aware of what you do, what you say to those around you--be as aware as you can be of their current situation and don't be completely surprised or angry or upset if they don't respond in the way you imagine they would/should. Do your best to do no harm--especially to those that you love or hope to keep close when tomorrow comes.
14 July 2014
Pinterest Journaling (Hence Blogging) Ideas
When I first started this blog, I used a list of ideas I got from Pinterest and since I've been having such a hard time writing lately, I found another list of 30 topics to talk about. So, here is number one:
Five Ways to Win My Heart
Now this is a tricky thing in general because it seems to vary from man to man--what about them inevitably draws me in and, in the end, wins my heart. Therefore I will list the five that first come to my thoughts for this evening (and maybe more if you are lucky and I am still not tired by the time I figure out the fifth one). So...without further ado...
#1 Remember conversations we have had.
This is a big one. Why? Because it shows that you are actually trying to get to know me and understand what makes me tick and if that also means you remember my favorite snack/food/drink/flowers and other such tidbits to use down the road to cheer me up on a down day, all the better.
#2 Vocabulary
If you have a vast word bank and use the words within it properly and intelligently, it speaks to my writing/English nerd heart.
#3 Getting along with my family
Be it cousins or the legit "shared the same house for years" family, it will always win my heart if you can get along with my family--especially to the point of being able to tease one another and play games together during the holidays.
#4 Silly time
Not just allowing me to be silly but being silly with me--and on the other end, knowing when to be serious with me. I hate being laughed at when I'm serious about something--it hurts.
#5 Honesty
I tend to be blunt and very upfront about who I am and what I want--all I ask is that you return my honesty with your own. Manipulation/cloak and dagger routines are not my favorite.
Bonus #1 Opening doors
Especially when I am getting into your car. It really makes me feel special when you take the time to walk around the car with me just to make sure I get comfortably into your vehicle.
Bonus #2 Sharing your talents
If you have a talent, I want to know about it! Even if it's just playing the kazoo or something. It's even better when we can participate in the same talent--dancing or music. Quoting of Disney movies endlessly? Yes.
Bonus #3 Allowing me to cry
I cannot express how wonderful it is for me to be able to cry in front of you and have you just pull me into your chest. No shushing sounds or asking me not to cry but letting me cry it out and just being there for me--heaven knows I'll be there for you when you cry.
Bonus #4 Allowing me to see you cry
All that nonsense about a "man card" or whatever? Yeah, I don't put stock in it. In fact, it bothers me if I don't at least see some emotion from you even if it isn't all the way into tears. But when you feel comfortable with me insomuch that you can cry while I hold you? It warms my heart.
Bonus #5 Talk
Just talk to me. Ask questions. Let me ask questions. And THEN we can sit in companionable silence while we soak in the company of one another and digest the new tidbits of information we have presented to one another.
I'm sure there are others but I think I may just be able to go to sleep.
(Bonus #6 No judging when it comes to my choice in movies and music... especially the fact that I listen to Christmas music year round.)
Five Ways to Win My Heart
Now this is a tricky thing in general because it seems to vary from man to man--what about them inevitably draws me in and, in the end, wins my heart. Therefore I will list the five that first come to my thoughts for this evening (and maybe more if you are lucky and I am still not tired by the time I figure out the fifth one). So...without further ado...
#1 Remember conversations we have had.
This is a big one. Why? Because it shows that you are actually trying to get to know me and understand what makes me tick and if that also means you remember my favorite snack/food/drink/flowers and other such tidbits to use down the road to cheer me up on a down day, all the better.
#2 Vocabulary
If you have a vast word bank and use the words within it properly and intelligently, it speaks to my writing/English nerd heart.
#3 Getting along with my family
Be it cousins or the legit "shared the same house for years" family, it will always win my heart if you can get along with my family--especially to the point of being able to tease one another and play games together during the holidays.
#4 Silly time
Not just allowing me to be silly but being silly with me--and on the other end, knowing when to be serious with me. I hate being laughed at when I'm serious about something--it hurts.
#5 Honesty
I tend to be blunt and very upfront about who I am and what I want--all I ask is that you return my honesty with your own. Manipulation/cloak and dagger routines are not my favorite.
Bonus #1 Opening doors
Especially when I am getting into your car. It really makes me feel special when you take the time to walk around the car with me just to make sure I get comfortably into your vehicle.
Bonus #2 Sharing your talents
If you have a talent, I want to know about it! Even if it's just playing the kazoo or something. It's even better when we can participate in the same talent--dancing or music. Quoting of Disney movies endlessly? Yes.
Bonus #3 Allowing me to cry
I cannot express how wonderful it is for me to be able to cry in front of you and have you just pull me into your chest. No shushing sounds or asking me not to cry but letting me cry it out and just being there for me--heaven knows I'll be there for you when you cry.
Bonus #4 Allowing me to see you cry
All that nonsense about a "man card" or whatever? Yeah, I don't put stock in it. In fact, it bothers me if I don't at least see some emotion from you even if it isn't all the way into tears. But when you feel comfortable with me insomuch that you can cry while I hold you? It warms my heart.
Bonus #5 Talk
Just talk to me. Ask questions. Let me ask questions. And THEN we can sit in companionable silence while we soak in the company of one another and digest the new tidbits of information we have presented to one another.
I'm sure there are others but I think I may just be able to go to sleep.
(Bonus #6 No judging when it comes to my choice in movies and music... especially the fact that I listen to Christmas music year round.)
30 June 2014
Am I Really "Okay"?
Life as of late has been a crazy whirlwind of moments it would seem. I tried something new and just took things as they came but the more sensible side of me kicked in last minute and begged the question "why?" while the other side threw back "why not?". After a hard heart to heart talk, I realized that what I thought would be the "next big thing" or in other words my next attempt at being with someone was really just a brief moment in time to help me realize something about myself--or rather be told something about myself that I haven't really paid much attention to but in knowing it have been able to make some sense of a few of my experiences in the past year.
I asked my dear friend why he liked to be around me so much but still didn't seem have the desire to know more about me than he already did--being content with the simple fact that I stood beside him and he never had to question that I wanted to be there.
The answer he came up with? Because I care. Because I genuinely cared about his well being and wanted to be able to support him in his triumphs and catch him to lift him up while he was down. Apparently over the years I have a nurtured a deep ability to empathize and to simply accept the people around me as they are--even if I don't always agree with their views.
That being said I have realized that I don't so much "fall in love" as I find someone that I think is worth my love and I give it to them--wholeheartedly. The unfortunate crux that I found in this however is that any feeling of rejection feels as though I have been completely and utterly rejected, it calls to mind every time that I have been left out in the proverbial cold...even when I am told immediately following that I will not be left alone, that he will remain beside me in friendship--that he "loves" me.
Why is it that we can feel others are so deserving of our love but when they return it we reject it? I am talking about myself, frankly, because when a person tells me they love me (as long as they are outside of my immediate family) my heart squeezes painfully and all the reasons they shouldn't love me come glaringly to the forefront of my mind.
How horribly vexing it is to crave love, acceptance, friendship but be of the feeling that I have too many reasons why I shouldn't be given the friendship...the acceptance... the love.
Another thought that blossomed just now is just how fine a line there is to tread between fear and faith. Faith is always, ALWAYS, what has pulled me through in the end but there is so much fear that I have to wade through before I get those shining moments of clarity. Why is it so much easier to accept the love of a Heavenly Father, a Father whose face I cannot remember, whose embrace I only have the ghost of a recollection in my memory and yet... when those I can see, feel, hear tangibly say "I love you" I question it? I veto it? I laugh self-deprecatingly and get embarrassed and self-conscious.
They tell me they love my smile, my laugh, the way I think, the way I hug--they love me, Cassidy.
I get it. I am in my own way. But until I get out of my way... please do not give up on me--telling me you love me or that I am pretty or that I am wonderful just being me. For it is when I kick the hardest that I need those words the most--just like you.
I asked my dear friend why he liked to be around me so much but still didn't seem have the desire to know more about me than he already did--being content with the simple fact that I stood beside him and he never had to question that I wanted to be there.
The answer he came up with? Because I care. Because I genuinely cared about his well being and wanted to be able to support him in his triumphs and catch him to lift him up while he was down. Apparently over the years I have a nurtured a deep ability to empathize and to simply accept the people around me as they are--even if I don't always agree with their views.
That being said I have realized that I don't so much "fall in love" as I find someone that I think is worth my love and I give it to them--wholeheartedly. The unfortunate crux that I found in this however is that any feeling of rejection feels as though I have been completely and utterly rejected, it calls to mind every time that I have been left out in the proverbial cold...even when I am told immediately following that I will not be left alone, that he will remain beside me in friendship--that he "loves" me.
Why is it that we can feel others are so deserving of our love but when they return it we reject it? I am talking about myself, frankly, because when a person tells me they love me (as long as they are outside of my immediate family) my heart squeezes painfully and all the reasons they shouldn't love me come glaringly to the forefront of my mind.
How horribly vexing it is to crave love, acceptance, friendship but be of the feeling that I have too many reasons why I shouldn't be given the friendship...the acceptance... the love.
Another thought that blossomed just now is just how fine a line there is to tread between fear and faith. Faith is always, ALWAYS, what has pulled me through in the end but there is so much fear that I have to wade through before I get those shining moments of clarity. Why is it so much easier to accept the love of a Heavenly Father, a Father whose face I cannot remember, whose embrace I only have the ghost of a recollection in my memory and yet... when those I can see, feel, hear tangibly say "I love you" I question it? I veto it? I laugh self-deprecatingly and get embarrassed and self-conscious.
They tell me they love my smile, my laugh, the way I think, the way I hug--they love me, Cassidy.
I get it. I am in my own way. But until I get out of my way... please do not give up on me--telling me you love me or that I am pretty or that I am wonderful just being me. For it is when I kick the hardest that I need those words the most--just like you.
01 June 2014
Of Flyaways, Face Value, and Walter Mitty
Firstly, let's address the shallower thought processes I had this evening...
I was straightening my hair which, as most of you are aware, I have started growing out once more after having had varying pixie cuts for the past two years. And I realized something...the hardest part about growing out one's hair is coming to the realization and accepting the fact that, though there is an inherent elegance to the wearing of long hair (if worn correctly), in growing one's hair out you have essentially written a very cordial and open invitation to all the flyaways and curly baby hairs that never seem to grow long enough to make it up with the rest of your ponytail or up-dos (usually located at the nape of one's neck). Indeed, there is no way to escape their company from here on out and, like the idea of having so MUCH hair on my head, will have to be accepted and perhaps even embraced if I am going to beat the awkward growing out stages... yes.
Secondly, today I was reminded of something...
A few days ago, I felt myself tossing caution to the wind and invited a person of my acquaintance to do something with me and some of my other friends this weekend. I had already resigned myself to the fact that this person would probably say no because I know they are quite the busy little bee... so, I allowed myself only the smallest glimmer of hope and took the plunge.
They, indeed, said no to my invitation, assuring me that it would definitely had been something they would have enjoyed doing but had already been assigned to work to a later hour than would allow them to join us for the adventure.
Now, most people probably wouldn't have thought much of how little we spoke over the next few days but, to someone who felt they had taken a rather large step outside their comfort zone, I felt that perhaps I had done wrong in asking said person to do something with me outside of our usual spent time. Therefore, me being, well, me, I asked if I had perhaps made it awkward between us.
After having to explain what I had supposedly done to make things awkward (usually the best sign that it didn't bother the party in question because they had already forgotten the instance or it hadn't occurred to them that it was an instigator of potential problems in the first place) they said something that really struck me as "obvious" but at the same time not so very "obvious" to me. "You should trust people when they say they would like to but are otherwise indisposed."
Trust people? When they say that they would like to do something with me while quickly following it with the reason (valid or no... in this case I assure you it was valid) as to why they couldn't?
It actually saddens me that I had to be told this--to take the response at true face value. How often do we find ourselves saying, "Oh I would love to but..."? I admit to having done it before--usually to people who are really just nice and sweet people but who I would rather not spend more time with than that that I already spend with them. I often over-analyze and I am sure I am not the only one who has been guilty of just assuming that a person just doesn't want to spend time with me--even if I have only asked the person once and had a negative response.
Not to come as striving to be aloof and brooding (traits that for some reason we've been taught are highly attractive in a man, by the way, but not in a woman [sorry, sidebar/tangent]) but although I really would love to trust people more for their face value, I find it hard. Not because I have a natural disposition to be distrustful but rather because I have always striven to look past the possible flaws or want to accept what people say to me at face value without looking for a hidden agenda--and, well, it's gotten me hurt a couple times. Each time it happens, I become more and more withdrawn from people and being quick to trust rather than distrust them.
However... I will try anew starting tomorrow (or rather today since it's just after midnight). It is a new month after all.
Thirdly, I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in its entirety this evening...
Travel! Experiences! Living life!
Wanderlust, I believe, is what it's called... having the desire to travel to unknown places, explore the world.
How true the moral that we should stop dreaming about what we want to do and just do it! I love the end of the movie where, first, Walter confronts the suit and says exactly what he wants to say instead of just imagining what he would say to "put him in his place" so to speak. How different the Walter at the end of the movie is to the Walter at the beginning.
Then, the more quiet example of his simply DOING is shown as he and Cheryl are walking away from the newspaper stand and he just reaches over and grabs her hand (granted it helps that she actually wanted to hold his hand as well...unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that in real life ;}) but he stopped imagining "what ifs" and simply did and was willing to see if it would work out.
Beautiful. Inspiring.
Here is to discovery! Exploration! And the wonderment that is LIFE.
I was straightening my hair which, as most of you are aware, I have started growing out once more after having had varying pixie cuts for the past two years. And I realized something...the hardest part about growing out one's hair is coming to the realization and accepting the fact that, though there is an inherent elegance to the wearing of long hair (if worn correctly), in growing one's hair out you have essentially written a very cordial and open invitation to all the flyaways and curly baby hairs that never seem to grow long enough to make it up with the rest of your ponytail or up-dos (usually located at the nape of one's neck). Indeed, there is no way to escape their company from here on out and, like the idea of having so MUCH hair on my head, will have to be accepted and perhaps even embraced if I am going to beat the awkward growing out stages... yes.
Secondly, today I was reminded of something...
A few days ago, I felt myself tossing caution to the wind and invited a person of my acquaintance to do something with me and some of my other friends this weekend. I had already resigned myself to the fact that this person would probably say no because I know they are quite the busy little bee... so, I allowed myself only the smallest glimmer of hope and took the plunge.
They, indeed, said no to my invitation, assuring me that it would definitely had been something they would have enjoyed doing but had already been assigned to work to a later hour than would allow them to join us for the adventure.
Now, most people probably wouldn't have thought much of how little we spoke over the next few days but, to someone who felt they had taken a rather large step outside their comfort zone, I felt that perhaps I had done wrong in asking said person to do something with me outside of our usual spent time. Therefore, me being, well, me, I asked if I had perhaps made it awkward between us.
After having to explain what I had supposedly done to make things awkward (usually the best sign that it didn't bother the party in question because they had already forgotten the instance or it hadn't occurred to them that it was an instigator of potential problems in the first place) they said something that really struck me as "obvious" but at the same time not so very "obvious" to me. "You should trust people when they say they would like to but are otherwise indisposed."
Trust people? When they say that they would like to do something with me while quickly following it with the reason (valid or no... in this case I assure you it was valid) as to why they couldn't?
It actually saddens me that I had to be told this--to take the response at true face value. How often do we find ourselves saying, "Oh I would love to but..."? I admit to having done it before--usually to people who are really just nice and sweet people but who I would rather not spend more time with than that that I already spend with them. I often over-analyze and I am sure I am not the only one who has been guilty of just assuming that a person just doesn't want to spend time with me--even if I have only asked the person once and had a negative response.
Not to come as striving to be aloof and brooding (traits that for some reason we've been taught are highly attractive in a man, by the way, but not in a woman [sorry, sidebar/tangent]) but although I really would love to trust people more for their face value, I find it hard. Not because I have a natural disposition to be distrustful but rather because I have always striven to look past the possible flaws or want to accept what people say to me at face value without looking for a hidden agenda--and, well, it's gotten me hurt a couple times. Each time it happens, I become more and more withdrawn from people and being quick to trust rather than distrust them.
However... I will try anew starting tomorrow (or rather today since it's just after midnight). It is a new month after all.
Thirdly, I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in its entirety this evening...
Travel! Experiences! Living life!
Wanderlust, I believe, is what it's called... having the desire to travel to unknown places, explore the world.
How true the moral that we should stop dreaming about what we want to do and just do it! I love the end of the movie where, first, Walter confronts the suit and says exactly what he wants to say instead of just imagining what he would say to "put him in his place" so to speak. How different the Walter at the end of the movie is to the Walter at the beginning.
Then, the more quiet example of his simply DOING is shown as he and Cheryl are walking away from the newspaper stand and he just reaches over and grabs her hand (granted it helps that she actually wanted to hold his hand as well...unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that in real life ;}) but he stopped imagining "what ifs" and simply did and was willing to see if it would work out.
Beautiful. Inspiring.
Here is to discovery! Exploration! And the wonderment that is LIFE.
19 May 2014
Fragile
Within the past week I have seen so many ducklings--babies just starting out. Friends are expecting babies. New life is springing up everywhere, even in the blossoms of the trees and the bulbs long forgotten during the winter shooting forth beautiful blooms of lavender and fuchsia. A new semester began and a new ward was formed, new friendships have been struck.
Everything is new! So much life has been breathed into the world! And yet... I have been witness to this new found life's fragility. Within the past week, I have seen two (though I am willing to believe there are more) dead ducklings. Just this evening, I may have even helped (or perhaps even doomed) a young sparrow to its final resting place.
While I was out blues dancing this weekend, a motorist crashed across University Avenue. Just in the past couple days I may have said or done something to cause a still young and blooming friendship to freeze and die away.
How fleeting! Who can say when something we thought would continue to live and breathe might be snuffed out, cut off from the life force that is pulsating from the breath of spring?
I wish I wouldn't take so much for granted. It hurts me in an intensely personal way when I see death.
When I was young, perhaps in my 8th grade year, my parents brought home a young kitten they had found outside of our church building prior to their going on their weekly date. They took the time to come back home, kitten in tow, and helped me find a box and warm blanket for it. They asked if I would mind watching over the sickly creature and advised me that it probably wouldn't make it through the night.
It was obviously invested with bugs, it must have been beaten up by some other creature for one of its eyes wasn't completely functional but my parents thought perhaps we could ease its way from the world.
I tended to the kitten for a good majority of the evening, holding its sick body close in a warm hand towel (for it was too tiny for an actual blanket) and I slept with its box beside my bed. Mom and Dad had brought some kitten food home for it and when it mewled in the morning, I carefully picked it up and carried it to the kitchen. It had made it through the night, more than I had expected. I set up the smallest dish we had so it could eat... and I watched it try--it wanted to try! But the anguish and hurt of its small body had been too much and I watched as it gasped out its last breath.
My heart broke in a way that day that hasn't really happened since. Yes. I have experienced the heart break of new loves dying out, friends leaving, even family members passing on. But to watch a creature die right before your eyes after all you could do... it is not an experience I wish on anyone.
The point is-- life, in all its forms, is fragile and fleeting. You never know how long you will have to experience it. So... experience it fully, full-steam ahead. Live. Live your life in such a way that you don't look back and say, "what if I had done/said that?" Do. Say. You may hurt others. You may hurt yourself. Be wise in your words and actions. I am not saying I am at all wise--for there are moments I certainly wish I had thought out at least a little more but then again I feel it is all really trial and error.
"It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply."
d.j.
But I am glad that I feel deeply. It reminds me that I am alive. That I still have time to make moments--for "we remember not days but moments". So I challenge you to let yourself feel and remember to stop going through life ignoring the moments or the fragile things of life.
Feel.
Live.
P.S. The bird from earlier flew off when I went to go visit him just now. I think he may just make it.
Everything is new! So much life has been breathed into the world! And yet... I have been witness to this new found life's fragility. Within the past week, I have seen two (though I am willing to believe there are more) dead ducklings. Just this evening, I may have even helped (or perhaps even doomed) a young sparrow to its final resting place.
While I was out blues dancing this weekend, a motorist crashed across University Avenue. Just in the past couple days I may have said or done something to cause a still young and blooming friendship to freeze and die away.
How fleeting! Who can say when something we thought would continue to live and breathe might be snuffed out, cut off from the life force that is pulsating from the breath of spring?
I wish I wouldn't take so much for granted. It hurts me in an intensely personal way when I see death.
When I was young, perhaps in my 8th grade year, my parents brought home a young kitten they had found outside of our church building prior to their going on their weekly date. They took the time to come back home, kitten in tow, and helped me find a box and warm blanket for it. They asked if I would mind watching over the sickly creature and advised me that it probably wouldn't make it through the night.
It was obviously invested with bugs, it must have been beaten up by some other creature for one of its eyes wasn't completely functional but my parents thought perhaps we could ease its way from the world.
I tended to the kitten for a good majority of the evening, holding its sick body close in a warm hand towel (for it was too tiny for an actual blanket) and I slept with its box beside my bed. Mom and Dad had brought some kitten food home for it and when it mewled in the morning, I carefully picked it up and carried it to the kitchen. It had made it through the night, more than I had expected. I set up the smallest dish we had so it could eat... and I watched it try--it wanted to try! But the anguish and hurt of its small body had been too much and I watched as it gasped out its last breath.
My heart broke in a way that day that hasn't really happened since. Yes. I have experienced the heart break of new loves dying out, friends leaving, even family members passing on. But to watch a creature die right before your eyes after all you could do... it is not an experience I wish on anyone.
The point is-- life, in all its forms, is fragile and fleeting. You never know how long you will have to experience it. So... experience it fully, full-steam ahead. Live. Live your life in such a way that you don't look back and say, "what if I had done/said that?" Do. Say. You may hurt others. You may hurt yourself. Be wise in your words and actions. I am not saying I am at all wise--for there are moments I certainly wish I had thought out at least a little more but then again I feel it is all really trial and error.
"It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply."
d.j.
But I am glad that I feel deeply. It reminds me that I am alive. That I still have time to make moments--for "we remember not days but moments". So I challenge you to let yourself feel and remember to stop going through life ignoring the moments or the fragile things of life.
Feel.
Live.
P.S. The bird from earlier flew off when I went to go visit him just now. I think he may just make it.
09 May 2014
The Struggle
Over the last few weeks I have been struggling within myself to accomplish a task.
A couple months ago, I was talking with my bishop about some things that had been making life hard for me--loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, terrible sleep... the list went on and on. After a short time, he asked if I had ever considered going to speak with a psychiatrist or counselor. I balked not believing my problems were serious enough to go to one. I looked at my problems as something caused by immaturity and a ridiculous perspective that were making mountains out of mole hills.
He said something that stuck with me however. Essentially he said that people go to a doctor when they are physically sick or having problems. Psychiatrists are doctors for people with emotional or mental challenges. If you're sick, won't you go to a doctor?
So I filed the advice away in the back of my mind for a while feeling relieved after talking to him and unloading my burdens for a while. Life seemed fine after that for a while--that was until I went home to Oregon to spend a short weekend with my family. The loneliness crept back in like a disease--nonsensical in its timing but all too real and suffocating.
I had just finished watching Frozen with my younger sister and was in the guest room laying in bed when suddenly I felt darker than I had in a long time. I couldn't understand it being surrounded by loved ones as I was I could not get rid of the feeling and only after exhausting myself through tears was I able to fall asleep at 5 or so in the morning.
When I woke up, I finally told my mom about my counsel from my bishop.
It had never occurred to me that I wasn't alone in these feelings of loneliness and the anxiety that came with them. Apparently, it runs in the family. So, with the support of my parents I asked my bishop for the contact information for the psychiatrist he had recommended to me some months earlier and gave it to my father who looked into the insurance--at least he tried. Since I am an "adult" it was up to me to talk to the insurance people to see if they would cover my doctor's visits. I get anxiety from making phone calls, understand. It took me four days after getting the information from my father to try calling the insurance. I successfully contacted one but they didn't cover the specific psychiatrist but they would cover 3 visits. I called the other contact to see if they covered the doctor I was looking at but the last two digits of the number had been reversed on accident and I called someone who was definitely not the insurance.
Telling my father this, he sent me the real number but, again, it took me a few days to finally just plunge in and call. The answer was the same but they would cover 4 visits.
However, upon closer inspection, both companies said they could only cover these visits if I was living part time at home... which I haven't done for about 3 years now. My parents and I agreed that we probably shouldn't lie about my living situation. So what did this mean?
I had to call the doctor's office and ask for pricing...
This occurred about two weeks before classes for the spring semester started... procrastination for the sake of my anxiety got the better of me and then suddenly, upon starting up two dance classes Mon-Thurs (only one of them happening on Friday) my spirit felt much happier. Dance is clearly something that helps me combat my problems, giving me a release and in return releasing what I assume are endorphins that make me feel happy. So of course, I started reasoning to myself that I needn't go in at all because I was no longer feeling those feelings and limitations that had instigated the talk of going into a psychiatrist in the first place.
However, I spoke with Mom last night and she reminded me that I couldn't dance through life and there will be times again when those feelings get the better of me unless I find out what is wrong with me and fix it--and what better time to do it than when I am feeling on top of everything else?
So, she had me promise I would call today--if I didn't get anything else done, just call. Get the estimates. Report back. And you know what? I did it. I did it.
Update: I am now waiting for them to call me back to help set up my appointment.
Most people usually keep these things to themselves but I felt a need to share my experience. Maybe there is someone else out there who is experiencing the same thing that needs to know that they are most definitely not alone. Maybe there are people out there who, in order to not misunderstand me, need to hear about the problems I struggle with every week.
I posted a status on facebook just yesterday addressing the fact that although I have struggles I have learned that it does not do to dwell negatively on the things around me, those things that affect me. If I allow the devil to suck away all my happiness that it would only leave me with despair and loneliness. I hope for a brighter day. I yearn for a life that I love to live. I fight to break through the darkness, to shine to those who might be close beside my bend in the road whose candles may have gone out and need to share a flame with me, no matter how briefly or otherwise the contact may be.
Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving, keep hugging, keep wishing, keep hoping--keep the faith, keep up your courage, look up into the world. You will make it through. The Lord is there for you as He is for me.
Be brave. Be true.
A couple months ago, I was talking with my bishop about some things that had been making life hard for me--loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, terrible sleep... the list went on and on. After a short time, he asked if I had ever considered going to speak with a psychiatrist or counselor. I balked not believing my problems were serious enough to go to one. I looked at my problems as something caused by immaturity and a ridiculous perspective that were making mountains out of mole hills.
He said something that stuck with me however. Essentially he said that people go to a doctor when they are physically sick or having problems. Psychiatrists are doctors for people with emotional or mental challenges. If you're sick, won't you go to a doctor?
So I filed the advice away in the back of my mind for a while feeling relieved after talking to him and unloading my burdens for a while. Life seemed fine after that for a while--that was until I went home to Oregon to spend a short weekend with my family. The loneliness crept back in like a disease--nonsensical in its timing but all too real and suffocating.
I had just finished watching Frozen with my younger sister and was in the guest room laying in bed when suddenly I felt darker than I had in a long time. I couldn't understand it being surrounded by loved ones as I was I could not get rid of the feeling and only after exhausting myself through tears was I able to fall asleep at 5 or so in the morning.
When I woke up, I finally told my mom about my counsel from my bishop.
It had never occurred to me that I wasn't alone in these feelings of loneliness and the anxiety that came with them. Apparently, it runs in the family. So, with the support of my parents I asked my bishop for the contact information for the psychiatrist he had recommended to me some months earlier and gave it to my father who looked into the insurance--at least he tried. Since I am an "adult" it was up to me to talk to the insurance people to see if they would cover my doctor's visits. I get anxiety from making phone calls, understand. It took me four days after getting the information from my father to try calling the insurance. I successfully contacted one but they didn't cover the specific psychiatrist but they would cover 3 visits. I called the other contact to see if they covered the doctor I was looking at but the last two digits of the number had been reversed on accident and I called someone who was definitely not the insurance.
Telling my father this, he sent me the real number but, again, it took me a few days to finally just plunge in and call. The answer was the same but they would cover 4 visits.
However, upon closer inspection, both companies said they could only cover these visits if I was living part time at home... which I haven't done for about 3 years now. My parents and I agreed that we probably shouldn't lie about my living situation. So what did this mean?
I had to call the doctor's office and ask for pricing...
This occurred about two weeks before classes for the spring semester started... procrastination for the sake of my anxiety got the better of me and then suddenly, upon starting up two dance classes Mon-Thurs (only one of them happening on Friday) my spirit felt much happier. Dance is clearly something that helps me combat my problems, giving me a release and in return releasing what I assume are endorphins that make me feel happy. So of course, I started reasoning to myself that I needn't go in at all because I was no longer feeling those feelings and limitations that had instigated the talk of going into a psychiatrist in the first place.
However, I spoke with Mom last night and she reminded me that I couldn't dance through life and there will be times again when those feelings get the better of me unless I find out what is wrong with me and fix it--and what better time to do it than when I am feeling on top of everything else?
So, she had me promise I would call today--if I didn't get anything else done, just call. Get the estimates. Report back. And you know what? I did it. I did it.
Update: I am now waiting for them to call me back to help set up my appointment.
Most people usually keep these things to themselves but I felt a need to share my experience. Maybe there is someone else out there who is experiencing the same thing that needs to know that they are most definitely not alone. Maybe there are people out there who, in order to not misunderstand me, need to hear about the problems I struggle with every week.
I posted a status on facebook just yesterday addressing the fact that although I have struggles I have learned that it does not do to dwell negatively on the things around me, those things that affect me. If I allow the devil to suck away all my happiness that it would only leave me with despair and loneliness. I hope for a brighter day. I yearn for a life that I love to live. I fight to break through the darkness, to shine to those who might be close beside my bend in the road whose candles may have gone out and need to share a flame with me, no matter how briefly or otherwise the contact may be.
Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving, keep hugging, keep wishing, keep hoping--keep the faith, keep up your courage, look up into the world. You will make it through. The Lord is there for you as He is for me.
Be brave. Be true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)