A Writer's Hurt

As of late, I have gotten into the whole online dating "scene" so to speak--haven't been too terribly active in it the past two weeks or so but in my profile, I made note that I loved music and was a writer. Apparently, this led to the assumption that I was a lyricist or perhaps a composer of some sort--at least among those who also shared a passion for music (those who, like myself, perceive themselves of some-day-novelists, simply asked what genre I wrote). 

However this question just gave me a small moment to marvel at the fact that you can have a handful of people who identify as "writers" but what does that mean? Apparently it varies from person to person. Honestly, I wish I had the talent to write lyrics but as it is, I don't feel that I can even write a proper poem, rhyming or no. 

On the other hand, I do feel that I express myself best and most thoroughly when I write--I feel quite at home with a pen in hand, a fresh pad of notepaper beneath my wrist and poised to draw up yet another scenario, another personality, another life! And within it, I find a certain amount of freedom-- a space in which I can say what I am dying to say even if it never reaches the person I truly would love to say it to at the end of the day. 

It keeps me from bursting at the seams some days. I know I have written and posted quite a bit for just about anyone who wanders along and stumbles upon this blog to read--but then again, there are bits and pieces that I write that spend months even years in my documents folder, only to be read over and pondered upon by me, myself, and I. 

However, I would like to invite you (whoever you are) to read this piece that I wrote. 

I warn you, however, not to read on if you don't want to know a dark snippet of my heart--I am not looking for you to read it and do the exact opposite of what I wrote in its conclusion. But maybe, just maybe, one of my lyricist friends would show me how to put it in a song--granted, as previously stated, this is only a snippet of what I have written to vent my anger and frustration and loneliness. 

I also encourage you to watch a short, happy video after the reading thereof. Or listen to a happy song. Because, honestly? That is what sometimes gets me through to the following day.

'I had never been so soundly rejected in all my life.

It hurt and there was absolutely no way I could do anything more without making an absolute fool of myself. After his admissions, the initial rejection hurt worse. But when I plead for just one, last night...the fact that he could not care less was so evident it felt like an actual dagger was thrust through my chest to the point of being exposed on the other side.

I was nothing more than a vice to him although he said that he cared about me and that's why he did it. Why is it? That whenever someone does something that hurts you, destroys you so thoroughly it's always because they “care” or because it's “for your own good”?

To top it all off, I simply felt embarrassed that he had offered me a place to rest...—completely taking my into his arms that... night and suddenly... he woke up and had shut me out again. As easily as one turns a page in a book, he had turned the page I was on and left me completely behind.

I'm dizzy with the anger and hurt that comes with each rejection. He's not the first and he definitely won't be the last. Why is the desire to hurt so entangled with the desire to comfort? Perhaps it's just me who feels this way. I would give anything to have the power to slap him across the face but on the other hand I would give anything for him to silently take me into his arms and never let me go again.

Funny... how I am so embarrassed by the moments when he completely accepts me and am infinitely more embarrassed when he completely rejects me...Why is he so much more capable of ignoring me, pushing me away, doing what's “best” for me while I am over here trying everything I can just for him to see me?

He told me he could see me the other night...but that I am, essentially, blind when it comes to him even when he lets his walls down. I hate being so open to people because I cannot count the number of times and ways in which someone has been able to hurt me. I feel raw from screaming so loudly to draw someone's, anyone's gaze long enough for them to see that I just might be worth loving.

The sensible side of me tells me to pull away. To stop laying myself so open to people. You only get hurt, it says. Why bother trying any longer?

But the child within cries out for me not to give up because maybe, just maybe, there is someone right around the corner who will be willing to adopt me, take me home, give me somewhere to stay, return to, and feel accepted no matter what ridiculousness I might come up with to make a fool out of myself once more.

I want to share these words with someone—I want someone else to say that they know exactly how I feel. That I'm not alone in this facing of rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection. And I don't want anyone to say it'll get better or that you'll work it out one day. Because those words? They usually come from someone who it has already worked out for and thus they have separated and distanced themselves from the hurt and despair that comes from yet another person saying that you “matter” to them but then saying, in essence, that you don't matter enough.' 

I'm Not Saying I'm Wonder Woman...

I'm just saying you've never seen us together at the same time. 

So today's topic tickled me a little and so I thought, why not?

What is Your Super Power?

Interesting question to pose to a mere mortal, don't you think?

Anyway. I have never given the idea of already having super powers much thought in the past. Usually the question is which super power do you wish you had to which I most readily say flight. But that aside I will try to answer this question with some self-observation. 

I would have to say my super power would be my sympathy/empathy. 

I'd rather not start spinning a tale of "woe is me" right now but I have had certain experiences in my life that have blessed me with a certain capacity for compassion for the human plight. It's an almost physical pain that comes on my heart when I see those I interact with in pain. My natural instinct (call it motherly if you will) is to pull them in for a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pressing of forehead to forehead because I know that loneliness. I know the feeling of being alone in the crowd with a broken heart and an angry spirit and no one deserves to feel that way. No one deserves to think that they are alone when someone has (either on purpose or accidentally) hurt them. 

 This super power extends to listening, to hashing things out, and just cuddling if that's what is needed. 

I love you, my friends. Please, if there is ever anything I can do even if you just need someone to rant to--call me. I was given this talent to give to you. 

Love,

Me

I Am Not the Same Person I Was Yesterday

The prompt for today:

Can People Change?

This, in brief, is answered with a resounding, "Yes!"
However, as we all know, it is not always as simple as that. Therefore, for your delectation and delight, here is my long-winded answer.

If I didn't believe that people could change then I would be living in quite a miserable state of being. If I were the same person I was just a few years ago, naive to the point of putting myself in danger, I wouldn't be able to live the life I have managed to happen upon now. As a single young woman with lack of monetary fortune, I believe that one must progress and change from how she has lived in the comfort of her parents' abode or be eaten up by the poor society and association of wicked men.
However, with the changes I have made in my life and approach to the world, I have tried to retain those good graces which I was brought up with to have a general politeness for those I come into contact with as well as just being kind. Be empathetic, compassionate, and open to new or unpopular thoughts and opinions without judging harshly upon the first meeting.

But really what question should really be asked is whether people want to change. Some people I have come into contact with quite frankly seem to be just fine the way they are (whether they are naturally like that or if they had many moments of change BEFORE our acquaintance--I couldn't rightly say) but then there are others that I know and it sickens me to know they have not changed even over 5 years time to become better than they were.
Some have given up on ever changing. Others are too proud of their current state.

I had the rare opportunity to get in contact with a person that I hadn't spoken to in over 4 years just the other day. He was still as handsome in face as the last day I saw him and it gladdened me to know that he seemed to be in good health and that he might actually care to know what had been going on in my life since our abrupt goodbye.
Fortunately, it took very little time for him to reveal that he was still the same as before.
A wolf seeking to steal the virtue of women through manipulation and a profound sense of wickedness. The goals he had spoken of to me in the day of my deepest naivety to turn his life around, to become worthy of the Priesthood, to have a family and wife who could be proud of him had been lies--the lies he knew would persuade my mind most readily to spending time filled with poison with him in the hopes of being his heroine, the rescuer of his heart.
His pride roiled off of the words he wrote in waves--for since he hadn't changed, he was more than ready to assume that I was the same girl he left heartbroken for almost giving him everything--when in reality he could never dream to deserve it in the eternal timeline.
Perhaps I had given too much in the way of hope that he might "come to see the error of his ways" and apologize to the child he had met and poisoned with his words and notions of the way the world was in his eyes. And perhaps he gave too little credit to the child who grew up to become a woman.

But there it is, my friends. People can change. I have changed. I have seen my friends and acquaintances and family change. But I have also seen those who refuse to change. What more can be said?

Love,
Me

Rule #2!

I can't bring people back from the dead.... it's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!
(Can't remember if it's actually #2 but if you get the quote, you get brownie points.)

Today's topic is as follows:

Something I Feel Strongly About

Those of you who have been following my blog over the past couple years (or even the last few months) can probably guess what this blog will be about. Yes. That's correct.

Dating.
Where do I start?
The Game. Oh, the Game. Can we just stop with the Game? This thing that we have come to associate with dating is simply an embittering trial to see who can care the LEAST about whether or not the other person wants to be in a steady relationship. We have all done it, I am sure (even myself on occasion because, hey, who wants to be left out on this brilliant idea) where we wait and wait for the other person to text us or contact us first, to show how desperate they must be for our attention. Good grief. If you're interested, don't keep it a secret from the other person especially if you've already gone as far as to ask them on a date! From a personal standpoint, I have come down to the conclusion that if I don't hear from a guy within a week to a week and an half of the first date--he must not be all that interested in me and, as such, my interest in him goes down.
Perhaps this is a harsh time table, but honestly I am looking to the future, friends. If I say yes to a date, chances are I'm interested in seeing if we can go somewhere. I have enough male friends--so if you're looking for just friendship, please don't block the door.

Another point on dating is this: I am old-fashioned. I like when the guy calls me up with a plan for a date. It is a lovely thing to be open to flexibility in the plan, but be decisive. If you don't have a particular restaurant picked out, that's fine. We can decide together. But do have the plan that we will go out to eat. Or that we will go bowling (or ice skating, or mini-golfing... options aren't a terrible thing). But please choose a direction for the date that will help you get out of the date what you are looking to get out of the date.
If you cannot call for some reason and are limited to text or email or messaging on Facebook--if you don't specify that you are taking me on a date, I will assume that you are looking to hang out. Which does not pique my interest toward something more and I will think that you don't have any serious intentions toward me.

So in summation my thoughts on dating boil down to this-- if you are interested in me, plan a date (day, time, activity--doesn't even have to cost anything, could be card games or something at your apartment even), call me, if it works express interest in a follow up and try not to leave me hanging if at all possible.
And if I say yes to a second date--that's a good sign. It means I'm into you too. Silly.

Love,
Me

PS I am an honest and straightforward person and will tell you if I feel something amiss or feel that something could go somewhere. All I ask is that you do me the same courtesy.

Who's Up for Round Two?!

Hey all.

So, I used a few prompts from this list of 30 Writing Prompts a year or so ago but as life goes on, I thought I might use them again seeing as I have changed, life has changed, and there are new people to introduce myself to at the beginning of this new year.
Therefore, without further ado, the topic today, friends, is this:

5 Ways to Win My Heart

Alright, so this isn't exactly rocket science that we are dealing with but for those who are better at learning when someone spells things out rather than learning by observation, I see this as a perfectly reasonable topic to cover.
Onward!

1. Use your vocabulary.
I am a reader and a writer (surprise) and thus I have a great love for words and the use of them in daily conversation. Granted, one should not always be using "unto" or such words that one reads in old or even spiritual texts on a daily basis, but when appropriate, it is fun to hear someone speak of something going "awry" rather than badly, to know that someone has had a "splendid" day rather than a good one.
Bonus points if you use azure instead of blue or lavender instead of purple. Haha! Okay, maybe not, but you get the gist.

2. Thoughtfulness.
It has come to my attention through the years that compared to my schedule, most people I interact with have highly packed and busy schedules. I am also not exactly high up on the monetary chain. What does this mean in regards to thoughtfulness, you ask? Simple. If I have crossed your mind and you wonder, "Is she well?" then if you shoot a text, just a quick little "Hope all is well in your world", that pretty much puts me on top of the world. Not a lot of money? No problem! If you see something I would think is cute, a snapshot wouldn't go amiss or even if you see a wildflower on the roadside or perhaps an acorn in your walking path--if it were given to me? That would put me over the moon. I kid you not.

3. Time.
I cannot rightly remember which General Authority it was, perhaps President Uchtdorf--but they said that love is spelled T-I-M-E. Sure, I am well aware that it might not be hours on hours (maybe not even a full hour) but even a fraction of time spent with me or even just talking with me means more than packing all of our interaction into one day of the week.
If there is a large amount of time to fill together (this is more for romantic interests) then Cuddle Time is wonderful--for I am a rather cuddly creature. And I am not ashamed.

4. Honesty.
Is there really anything to elaborate on this? If something bothers you, be upfront and tell me. Is there something that you love that you want to share with me? Let me know! I want to help or share in your joy! If you are a nerd? I can almost guarantee there is at least one topic we can nerd-out together on.

5. Junior Mints and Daisies.
This is obviously either for my really close friends or, dare I say it, romantic interests. Junior Mints are my favorite candy. Of. All. Time. And, you know, if you were ever in the market to brighten my day with flowers---daisies are the way to go. Tulips and roses are a good second. But daisies definitely take the proverbial cake.

I am sure there are infinitely more ways to my heart but these are a few of the most direct. Questions, comments, or concerns can be directed to me or even my best friends, I'm sure.


Love,
Me

New Year, Fresh Start

Do you ever get caught up in that most euphoric feeling that everything is new? That opportunity has finally come knocking and it is finally YOUR time to do all those things that you have been wanting to do but just haven't been able to muster the energy to pursue?
With the kick start of the New Year and everyone asking the big question, "What are your resolutions?" I have just been mildly overwhelmed with the feeling that this year, 2015, is mine. The winds of change are a-brewing and there is a lightness in my step and heart that has not been there for quite a while now.

I was having a conversation with myself (for who better to talk with about making improvements than with myself?) the other night and I asked myself, "Self, why is it that you can smile? Even through all of the trials and heartbreaks of the past years?" And you know what I told myself? What the answer was to that question? Hope. Faith.
I look to the future with a prayerful heart and a hopeful outlook that the future will be better than the past as long as I hold true to the faith that has gotten me this far. So do I have resolutions? You bet your sweet scooper. Will I hold fast to them? Time will tell but hey, it is a New Year and a fresh start.

One of my favorite gifts from Christmas happened to be a crock pot--one of the items that I feel will help me in at least one of my resolutions to eat more regularly and healthily at that. So, feel free to send good crock pot suggestions because I am going to need not a few. :)

I wish you all luck in the keeping of your resolutions and the realizations of your goals for 2015. And remember--the year is what you make of it, so run like the wind and take a leap now and again.

Love,
Me

14 Days! 2 Weeks! 1/2 a Month!

Tomorrow morning marks the blessed 14 day countdown until I return to the shores of Oregonia. It's seems so odd to be so close to going home seeing as the ticket was purchased  2.5 months ago--though we had more or less set the date about 4 months ago.

Anyway. The point is that it is coming and soon and I really cannot believe that it is a mere two weeks until I can have all the hugs I want and good card game fights I can take for two weeks. That's right. I was generously given two whole week away from Utah. More importantly, two whole weeks on the coast with my loved ones there. 

The next two weeks themselves will be full of celebrations from get-togethers with friends, wedding receptions, and even a party at work. Then of course there is work to be done and preparations to make for the return home. 

As this year draws to its close, I am nearly bursting with gratitude for the happenings that have passed the time and the friends that were made, and even the friends that were kept. It's beautiful when you realize that you are where you are meant to be at a given time and that even though some people simple pass through your life others are at least making the effort to stay--whether because there is more they will teach you or more for you to teach them or perhaps even that they simply like the company you keep---I am thankful for those people. 

With the turning of the year, I feel a great sense of hope that next year will be even bigger and a lovelier mark in the past years I have been granted to live thus far. In just under two months I will be 24 years old. I don't feel near old enough but that's what the years tell me. 

Anyway. I just wanted to share my excitement over the time frame I will be living through before Christmas strikes. 

Love,

Me