ATTENTION BOYS...

...or men, or whatever you are calling yourselves today.

I don't know what it is... perhaps it is because it is spring and you realize that there are a lot of twitterpated females and males roaming about. Regardless, it seems that there have been quite a few guys that I have run into that seem to find it necessary to remind me that they have placed me in the friend-zone and aren't planning on changing my status anytime in the near, foreseeable future. 

It's not necessary. 

I admit I pride myself on being quite straightforward especially in regards to my feelings towards men. If I like you or am interested in being more than just friends... I will let you know! 

When you bring up the fact that we are simply friends with the idea that you "don't want to hurt" me well, I have some news for you--it's incredibly frustrating and (surprise of all surprises) does the exact thing you were trying to avoid. Neither I or the next female need you constantly reminding us point-blank that for whatever reason you have decided that we would make better friends than something more serious. 

Why is this?

Because you aren't the only one that we have met that feels that way--and also feels that he needs to constantly remind us. 

Just be yourself. 

I, for one, generally assume that a guy thinks of me as a great friend only unless he does things like holding my hand or cuddling or asking me out on multiple dates over the phone where he goes the extra mile to make me feel special---this also includes seeing me multiple times a week even though it is completely out of your way.

So in summation: yes, I know we are just friends. No, I do not need you to constantly remind me. And no, I don't want you to stop treating me the same way you've always treated me---unless, of course, your feelings have changed and you realize that you don't actually want me in your friend-zone.

Any questions?

From Home

I had the opportunity to go home this past weekend and though I may have gotten a cold out of it, it was truly a relief to be able to get away from all the responsibility and stress of the adult life and everything that comes with growing up. I was able to go almost anywhere with my family without my phone or purse strapped to my side and in essence walked about just enjoying the scenery. It also reinforced the fact that I really do not like having a mere three days at home--I need at least a week or it is almost a physical pain when I have to leave my family and home in Oregon for Utah once more. (Then there is also the other end of that where I cannot spend much more than a week for the risk of being stir crazy by the end of the visit but I would rather be slightly loathe to part with the coast than be happy to leave.)

There wasn't a drop of rain to be seen while I was visiting and wouldn't you know it but it poured the same night I happened to be back in Utah (or rather, I was in Nevada when it started... I think). 

My great grandmother was feeling rather poorly. It is always a sobering thought when I wonder the last time I see her will be... if it was possibly that last quick visit or if there will be more in the future. I cannot be sure but it breaks my heart to see her falling apart. It haunts her to know that she can no longer sew the quilts and baby blankets that she has been sitting to for years even though there are more and more great grandbabies coming down the line---some that she may never even see in this lifetime. Anyone that looks at her can tell she's tired but we can never be certain how much more she has to endure or learn before she can return to her husband, Dean's, side. 

I guess it's time for bed.... I was bouncing off the walls not too long ago but I think I am finally crashing... thank goodness. 

They May Say I'm a Dreamer...

I don't always have epiphanies--but when I do the seem to come when I'm doing simple everyday tasks. Such as making my bed before crawling into it for bedtime. 

Over the last couple of weeks, there have been a lot of lessons, it seems, at church and Institute (seminary for young adults in the church that only occurs once a week) and even through BYU Devotionals that have addressed the subject of finding your eternal companion--what attributes you look for in them--and also being the right person for them (aka don't expect attitudes and habits from them that you don't expect of yourself). 

As I was making my bed, I was reflecting on the dating experiences I have been going through in the last year or so and I realized something. I need someone who will allow me to continue dreaming. Who will allow me to retain my childlike view on certain things and love of the simple pleasures of life (such as watching Disney movies over and over and rereading love stories). However... I also need someone who will allow me to do this without treating me like a child. In fact, he is more than welcome to join me in my love of Disney, etc.

I admit to being rather starry-eyed from time to time and will always love fairy tales (and fully intend to read such stories to my children, encouraging them to dream, create, imagine, and find joy in smaller things). 

So, men. If you intend to only humor me, or pander to my wishes as though I were a younger sibling, keep moving please. I would rather not waste your time nor do I wish for someone to come along and try to change me. I will not change to fit a more "mature" view. Not only am I a dreamer, I am a writer of dreams. If you want to be a part of that dream, well, I invite you to try. Perhaps you will succeed where others have failed before you... (dear me, I sound like a dragon spouting a challenge...)

Love is Not Nagging

(Quick side note: my parents got me a calendar with the Peanuts comic as its theme, and apparently the theme is all about LOVE... which is not a bad thing, especially with such reminders as what I used for the title of this blog and others that I may or may not mention in the blog posts that follow this one.)

Well, my birthday has occurred for the year of 2014 as of January 30th. Only a few people have asked how old I am since then and so it still feels a little strange to answer with the number 23 instead of the number 22 I just got used to replying with to the inquisitive mind.

So I am a year older and I am already liking this age that I have settled into better than the last one. It most likely has a lot to do with having a steady, well-paying job that doesn't require me to wake up to clean bathrooms at 4 AM. I cannot express how wonderful it feels to see the money in my bank account increase rather than peter out before the next paycheck comes to fan the flames briefly before it dies out again. It makes a person a whole lot more optimistic in regards to the larger expenses of life (aka continued education or perhaps a first car). 

Winter is almost behind us and I couldn't be more grateful for the change in the weather--or at least the temperature. It's supposed to be high 50's to mid 60's pretty much all week and it makes me wish that I didn't have work in the afternoon but who knows? Perhaps it will be able to entice me out of bed earlier instead of fighting the cold by snuggling in more deeply under my copious amount of blankets. 

I am pretty sure we were all aware of the daylight savings and the whole "springing forward" an hour and though it is throwing my mornings off a little, it is rather nice to know that the sun will start setting later and later so that when I get off of work (at least Monday through Thursday) I will have a bit of light to socialize the evening away in.

Crazy moment in my life right now, however, is the realization that my youngest sister turned 16 years old today! My little brother will be turning 18 in a few short months and my younger sister is in Canada sharing the Gospel. Time just seems to be passing more and more quickly and at the end of the day we can only be grateful that we had one more day to do our best, to be our best.

To be honest, it makes me wish I hadn't taken the moments at home for granted, you know? Back when all of the kids were at home and we were doing sports and choirs and plays. 

Alas, it does no good to dwell in the past and we must make the most of our moments together when they have a chance of happening. 

So, if you haven't realized it yet, this is sort of a rambling post. I guess it is because there are so many things I want to talk about but really don't know if I should at this point...? You know what they say. Timing is everything. I guess that realization means I will just have to wait it out and share my plans and activities of the next few months some other time.

It's just odd to be so full of energy but still be so calm and mildly complacent, if you understand me. Oh well. All in due time.

Until then, you should just be happy to hear that I am busy and content--and that's saying something. 

February

You know that feeling of possibility that comes at the beginning of a new month? The feeling that comes after you have made it through another nail-biter and come out a little ruffled but ready for the next challenge?

February has come and with it a new beginning. A few new beginnings, in fact. And I am grateful for every single one of them. I am thankful for the ability to say that I will do better this month in my relationships with family and friends. I will do better with my spiritual progress and the healing of my emotional soul. 

Another thing I have found a great need to be thankful for is my uniqueness. I am anything but your average every day "woman" or at least what the world has taught us to believe is the average woman. 

I say this because not all of us (male or female) make connections with those around us with ulterior motives. Honestly, I could not begin to explain why I fight for one connection or friendship as compared to another one. I cannot always explain my own feelings or justification for doing the things I do. 

However, I can promise that if you have my friendship, that is what it is. You will know if I expect anything else from you or rather from us. 

Something else that intrigues me is when a person asks if they can ask me a question and have me answer honestly. Why would I answer dishonestly? If you take the time to get to know me and have the desire to understand me you will realize that I will answer honestly--and if I cannot answer for one reason or another, I will own up to it. 

Something else that has come to my attention is my apparent knack for holding a memory down to the finest details even years after it has occurred. Most have forgotten the memory but when forced to think about it, I have come to the conclusion that it is because I have the mind of a writer and performer. From a young age, I realized that any experience that comes my way is something that I can use to enrich and enliven my writing and performances with a ring of truth. I admit that some of these memories are tied to vivid emotions and feelings of the time but don't we all have experiences like that? 

Even the days you spend together with a person though you may remember the same series of events there will be moments that stand out more vividly to one person than another. On the one hand, one might have a better recall for the preperformance atmosphere whereas the other may have a keener remembrance of the actual performance. And further, there might be yet another person who has memories of the performance but focused on the reaction of the crowd rather than how well the other performers did compared to a different performance. 

Regardless. My recall for moments in my life--those that perhaps I hold dear and will always hold dear--are mine. And that is fine. You know? You never know how much something will mean to someone else, whether it be a moment or a thousand moments. But I am thankful if there is anyone out there who can look at our history together and cling to the happy and shining moments rather than dwelling and puzzling out the moments of misunderstanding. 

So. 

Here is to a new beginning. May this month be better than the last. 

Of Birthdays and Jobs

I turned 23 on Thursday. 

Most people usually reflect on their life to-date at New Years but I tend to look at it around my birthday week. Why? I do not know. I just do. 

That being said, let us reflect. 

The other day I was going through some old files of mine and stumbled upon one of those 10-15 year life plans that were so popular to assign to students in high school. You know? Back when we knew exactly what life was going to be like because it was clearly etched out in stone? 

Well. According to this paper, I was a step past my peers in the fact that I did not make just one blazing trail of glory. Silly people. We have all read the poem by Robert Frost titled "The Road Not Taken", had it drilled into us in some instances even. Thus, clever as I was, I decided I would write out two "roads" that I could potentially take. 

The first road was to American Idol. I thought that surely I would have gotten on the show at about the age of 21. Made it big, even, and would be on my way to blessing the world with my voice. On that same road, interestingly enough, was a husband, a child, and an anticipated pregnancy not too far behind. 

The second road was that of serving a mission for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would get home when I was 22 1/2 and would find "the one" and be on my way to having (surprise) a family of my own. 

Now, I did indeed audition for American Idol. Clearly, that was not the path meant for me. Then with prayer and solitary consideration on my part as my 21st year came closer, I felt that that was not the path for me either. I came to that conclusion about halfway through my 20th year and so "wrote" a new "road" for myself that included a college education and living in Provo, UT. The land of the singles. 

Well.

I live in the Brigham Young University bubble and am living a life so different from any of my original plans that you may wonder what I have been doing with my life, much as I have asked myself over the past few months. 

I was working two jobs until very recently. I have kept the one that pays more, of course, but even my leaving the other job did not go as I had planned. First, a little layout for my story...

I live in a crazy little apartment complex that has ridiculously terrible insulation (how else could they charge us the insane prices they do for our utilities?) and equally terrible management. It is well within walking distances of campus (seriously, it takes me about 10 minutes to get to the building where my church ward meets--which is on campus). However, though campus is right there, I cannot work for the school because I am not currently taking classes. 
I asked around to see what jobs were available within walking distance (I am not a car owner, after all) and was blessed toward the tail end of last year to snag two jobs to help me through the first of the year. Though I am grateful for it having panned out so well, I came to the conclusion a couple weeks back that for the pay and how one job treated me, it was not worth keeping---especially because A) I have no car and B) it was a 20 minute walk from my apartment.

The other job is an estimated 30 minute walk from my apartment. However. It pays $1.50 more and I actually feel like, crazy I know, a valued employee whose time and health are taken into consideration. 

The last bit of layout for this "short" story is the fact that I had to walk from job 1 to job 2. Directly. About a 40 minute walk. In the weather of the state of Utah, currently even when the sun is out, I see my breath fog before me. There is snow or ice on the ground. And as luck would have it, I caught a cold. 

Now seeing as job 1 was one wherein I was in constant contact with food and patrons, I figured asking for a couple days off from this, the lesser paying job, would be the lesser of two evils. I nearly had to sell my soul to get my one day off before I was pushed into saying that I would at least come in for the lunch rush and then be allowed to go home. But, as I mentioned before, job 2 expected me soon thereafter and there would be no going home. Had I been on the fence about quitting job 1 at this point, the fact that getting a break was like pulling teeth definitely helped me leap to one side. 

Wednesday, I told the job 1 supervisor that I would be leaving the restaurant after the following week ended. According to pay periods, that would have finished the current pay period neatly and also given me a little money boost so if I were not to find a new second job as quickly as these last two fell into my lap, it would not be a huge deal. 

The supervisor sounded relieved that I would be there for the next week and so I felt that we could part most amicably. I took the next day off, having asked for my birthday the week previous. When Friday came, I went in, ready for the last day of work before the weekend. Upon my arrival, I looked around confused that there would be so many cashiers so early on in the day. I did not think much beyond it seeing as it was a Friday and tended to be one of our busier days anyway. 

40 minutes ticked by. The aforementioned supervisor walks up to me and says that they do not need me and I could go home. Clearly, they could not have let me know before I rushed to work, worried that I would be late for having overslept my alarm. I agreed to go home seeing as I was still fighting off my cold that I had had all week. Then she said it. "We already have someone to replace you so you don't need to come in next week." 

Translation? Too many of our employees have been quitting so since we can weasel someone else into taking your hours, we can fire you. 

Thank you. You are too kind.

Like I said. Nothing ever works out the way I plan it.

Lesson to be learned? Stop planning. Obviously. 

Ha. Yeah right. 

I did have to laugh a little on Thursday. I had a birthday party of sorts. I intended at first to make it strictly a girl's night in. Really. However, because of a few circumstances, I allowed that perhaps I would invite a few guys. Fate laughed at me that night. The majority of my guests were male. Of course, they came for the cake and ice cream and only a couple stayed mysteriously to watch Return to Me with myself and the girls that had the spare time to stay later and watch with me. 

It was a happy feeling however to see that people actually wanted to come and celebrate with me. It was a little humbling even and I felt all sorts of gratitude to those who came. They sang to me twice (the second time we lit the 24th candle... apparently after next year, I will have to either buy multiple boxes of candles or be satisfied with the fat numeral candles).

So. Although a lot of my plans have not gone according to my so carefully laid designs---I know there is a reason. What that reason is? Naw. I have no idea. But I have a feeling it may have something to do with the principle of consulting the Lord's will in all our doings. 

We shall see where I end up at 24, will we not?

New Year

So, if you had not noticed... a new year has graced our little world and everyone is talking about resolutions and what they will do better this next year. 

As a quick review of this past year, I have learned quite a bit about myself and others and would like to believe that I have grown in patience and a zeal for life. I have gotten in my own way with a lot of things and let God guide the rest. 

My family has experienced quite a few internal changes that I have learned to cope with and work around. I shed many a tear but afterward found the humor and reason to laugh.

This being said I have a couple resolutions for this next year. 

Firstly, I am working on myself. The kind of woman I am. No longer am I going to just sit and let boys decide where our relationships are going to go. I hate to be classified as one of those "all or nothing" types because in truth, I am more than willing to be patient and let things unfold at a steady pace. However, I am tired of rushing into hand holding and kisses when they mean a thousand times more to me than they do to the guy. But I also do not want to be strung around and left out to dry because something better has come along. So I will forgive what has happened to me this past year but I will not forget so that my experiences this year will be better, more fulfilling, and of a more progressive nature. 

Secondly, I am looking forward to trying to sort out a budget for myself. Money, unfortunately, is extremely important to living comfortably and I figure I should probably start learning to live perfectly within my means so that I avoid feeling like I am playing catch up at the end of 2014. 

Thirdly, I need to get back on board with the little things, little details of living and growing that will help in my development as an adult. Scripture study, journal writing, personal prayer, Institute. I know that these are important and sometimes they are all that I can do.

And fourthly, I want to be a better friend to my loved ones. To continue to be someone that anyone can feel comfortable talking to. 

As far as accomplishing my resolutions for the past year, I really feel that I have become a better listener--and have started to feel less compelled to give advice if it is not asked for. Sometimes people just need someone to look them in the eye and smile, encourage and bolster. 

As for news about myself--my 23rd birthday is coming up fast and since I was at home and at the start of the New Year, my parents saw fit to give me my largest birthday gift early... a "new" laptop. It used to be Mom's and is a whole lot nicer than the poor little dinosaur that has been working so hard for me these past 5 years after high school. 

Happy New Year and keep your chins up, always striving to improve oneself whilst giving those around you a hand up!